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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

But I did say No - what now?

62 replies

FeelingUnsureNow · 01/01/2021 02:12

I've been dating a really nice man for the last three months. It's been going well but I'm not all that sure of myself after a couple of decades with an emotionally abusive man.
This morning, he tried to investigate sex and I said no, I'm a bit tender. He then got on top of me and tried to enter me. I said 'if you continue, you are going to hurt me'. He continued for 10-20 seconds until I firmly told him to get off. He obliged. We didn't speak of it again and I went home. Now he's texting me with casual, normal chit chat and I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong. To be fair, I wasn't very assertive but I think I was clear with my words. I just don't know what to say to him now. Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I say something?

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/01/2021 02:19

You’re absolutely not making a big deal out of this. What a disgusting man that he could just carry on despite you saying no. You know there’s a word for this, even though I’m sure you’re reluctant to use it. I’m sorry this happened to you Flowers. Think very carefully about what type of man he is based on this experience.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2021 02:22

You were very clear and a decent man would have lost arousal and stopped once you said you weren't happy to carry on. They would also have checked you were ok and made it clear they understood it's cool if you wanted to stop.

You aren't overreacting and this isn't a man you should want to continue seeing. I wouldn't feel obligated to say something (unless you feel you need to do so) as I would feel so justified in just blocking and deleting.

You can stop seeing anyone at any time for any reason, let alone due to how much of an entitled prick he has shown himself to be.

I'm really sorry he did this Thanks

Dery · 01/01/2021 02:23

“You’re absolutely not making a big deal out of this. What a disgusting man that he could just carry on despite you saying no. You know there’s a word for this, even though I’m sure you’re reluctant to use it. I’m sorry this happened to you flowers. Think very carefully about what type of man he is based on this experience.”

This with bells on. You made clear you didn’t want sex. He tried to carry on anyway. He sounds nasty.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2021 02:26

He's a rapist.

Please please please don't see him again.

soopedup · 01/01/2021 02:27

He’s vile.

Cleverpolly3 · 01/01/2021 02:28

Run

Eekay · 01/01/2021 02:28

Dump and block him. That could so easily have tipped over into being raped. What already happened is bad enough.
This is not a man who can be trusted in the least. Please keep yourself safe and don't see this man again.
Sorry you had to experience this.

Hoping211 · 01/01/2021 02:29

You're definitely not making a big deal out of nothing. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve to be treated like this, nobody deserves to be treated like this. What he has done is illegal and abhorrent. It is up to you if you want to raise it with him, my gentle advice would be to end things and cut off all contact, because a man who is capable of doing that won't be capable of having a reasonable or compassionate conversation about it, in fact I think bringing it up with him may cause you further emotional harm.

Holothane · 01/01/2021 02:30

Run and run fast you said no gave a reason too there is no excuse for his behaviour, hugs.

BendyLikeBeckham · 01/01/2021 02:32

ditto what everyone else said.

He doesn't give a shit about what you want or feel. He very nearly just took what he wanted from you against your wishes.

Listen to your gut. You know he would have carried on way past your "no" if you hadn't got insistent. How can you ever trust him again?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2021 02:33

I said 'if you continue, you are going to hurt me'. He continued for 10-20 seconds until I firmly told him to get off. If you'd froze before that last firm telling him to get off, in fear or panic, what do you think he'd have done.

Dump, tell him why and block.

Fuckingcrustybread · 01/01/2021 02:36

You said No to sex, I'm a bit tender, he got on top of you, you said, If you carry on you'll hurt me. He carried on and penetrated you. I understand your hesitation, and confusion he's a nice guy and it not really attempted rape is it Yes, it is attempted rape. He ignored 2 clear vocal rebuffs from you, he would have carried on.

Topseyt · 01/01/2021 02:36

Block him everywhere. If you respond to his attempts at chit chat then he will quite likely see it as confirmation that he did nothing wrong.

In fact, he did something very, very wrong. Attempted rape.

You should break it off. He isn't a nice man. If he was he wouldn't have tried to force himself on you.

Yoyoyossarian · 01/01/2021 02:37

He is not a really nice man, OP. And you're absolutely not making something out of nothing Thanks

Fuckingcrustybread · 01/01/2021 02:37

If you hadn't told him to get off.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 01/01/2021 02:39

Please consider logging this with the police. He may have form for this and could be known to them or this could help another woman in future.

Lineofconcepcion · 01/01/2021 02:52

@Fuckingcrustybread he penetrated op, it is rape, not attempted rape.
Op it is entirely your shout as to what you want to do. With less than 2 % conviction rate, the odds of getting a prosecution are probably zero. Me, I would draw a line under it, block him and move on, but I'm sure lots of people would disagree.

Lineofconcepcion · 01/01/2021 02:54

Sorry should say if he penetrated etc.

NiceGerbil · 01/01/2021 03:02

3 months? That's a fair old while.

I agree with everyone else. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 01/01/2021 03:04

Thanks for your comments everyone. I didn't have the nerve to tell him in person but I sent him an (erghhhh) text message telling him that this morning was an absolute deal-breaker.
Yes, there was penetration.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2021 03:09

You don't owe him anything. If a text message was the way you could do it, that's how.

We're here. There's always someone up on MN if you need a chat.

Thanks
tellietwotums · 01/01/2021 03:12

god im so angry fo you. you were clear, and his actions were (rape) I agree with others. I cant advise you what to do, I have been there and I took a course of action and it didn't work for me. all i can do is offer you love and support. you did no wrong xxx

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 03:15

As a woman who has zero problem with saying no, firmly, and as quickly as needed.., my vote is he is out of order snd it's not a misunderstanding. Sorry. This is both a) very uncommon and b) a massive red flag. I'm afraid he's now in the 'departure lounge' category for me

NiceGerbil · 01/01/2021 03:15

Easier said than done but just delete/ block and put it behind you.

He did what he did. Any response he gives will be bullshit. Don't engage.

I know after 3 months it's hard but stepping away is best. He won't admit it and will either get angry or try to gaslight you. I've been there. Don't bother. I know it's hard.

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 03:16

Just saw your update. Well done and absolutely the right move. Flowers

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