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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

But I did say No - what now?

62 replies

FeelingUnsureNow · 01/01/2021 02:12

I've been dating a really nice man for the last three months. It's been going well but I'm not all that sure of myself after a couple of decades with an emotionally abusive man.
This morning, he tried to investigate sex and I said no, I'm a bit tender. He then got on top of me and tried to enter me. I said 'if you continue, you are going to hurt me'. He continued for 10-20 seconds until I firmly told him to get off. He obliged. We didn't speak of it again and I went home. Now he's texting me with casual, normal chit chat and I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong. To be fair, I wasn't very assertive but I think I was clear with my words. I just don't know what to say to him now. Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I say something?

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 01/01/2021 03:28

So you tell him you don't want to have sex because you're sore and his response is not to ask if you're OK, or where you're sore, but to penetrate you anyway. What a horrible experience for you, and must be gutting that a man you felt you trusted enough to spend 3 months with could do this Flowers

partyatthepalace · 01/01/2021 03:29

Oh God. So sorry this happened to you.

Don’t look back. Just block and don’t see again.

No decent man behaves like this.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 03:36

Are you okay OP ... you did the right thing 🌺

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/01/2021 03:55

Not sure why anyone is using the word “attempted” here Hmm

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 01/01/2021 03:55

I'm ok BlueThistles, thank you for asking. I was with my ex for twenty years and he would have done similar so I've sort of been conditioned to tolerate it. I know that is very wrong but just struggling a little to know what is normal vs not normal. In my eyes, it's not normal but for all I know, 95% of guys night be the same. We were already having consensual sex (hence the tenderness) the night before.

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 01/01/2021 04:04

Hi Op
You were said No,
to him
A good man would respect This You !!!
A good man would not even try this on.!!

He is a nasty piece of work!
He knew exactly what he was doing !
Don't have anything to do with him!

I wonder if he has tried doing this Before !!!

He has sexually Assaulted You !!!

This is Rape !!!

You have solid grounds to report him to Police !

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2021 04:19

So sorry. Well done for being clear with him. He is a bastard.

Hope you are OK.

Thanks
BooksAreNotEssentialInWales · 01/01/2021 04:33

I’m so sorry. You’ve been incredibly strong and done exactly the right thing. Much better to dump by text than put yourself at risk doing it in person. Please consider reporting him to the police, but I can understand why you’d not want to talk about it. You could also contact your GP for support x

MrsFluffyMuff · 01/01/2021 07:58

Absolutely disgusting. He has shown you that he has no respect for your boundaries, and when you say no he will take no notice. As a PP said if you had froze, like many rape victims do, what would he have done? Sounds like he would have been in his fucking element tand carried on to me.

What was his reply to your message? I hope you are OK OP. Similar has happened to me and I was a wreck. So horrible knowing your words mean nothing isn't it. But I promise not all men are like that.

Flowers
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2021 08:11

95% of guys night be the same.

Absolutely fucking not. Most men aren't rapists.

Seatime · 01/01/2021 08:33

You said no, and he then tried to force his penis into your vagina, that is rape.

Chocolate123 · 01/01/2021 08:54

You never have to tolerate behaviour like this. You said no he continued and it doesn't matter how long for. He's vile get rid of him. I hope you are ok

Fieldofyellowflowers · 01/01/2021 09:04

Similar thing happened to me. It was awful. I dumped him the next morning because I knew that he didn't have any respect for me and I knew that I would never be able to trust him again.

Get rid of him, OP. Next time he might not stop.

TillyTopper · 01/01/2021 09:06

Well done for sending him the text - that is definitely a deal breaker! Make sure you stick to your guns and leave him for good.

Rainbowshine · 01/01/2021 09:13

If you don’t want to go to the police consider a SARC instead, you can have the evidence gathered and seek advice and support about reporting what happened but they won’t insist on it.

Ansjovis · 01/01/2021 09:39

You've made the right decision. Now you need to stick to it, which will be the hard part. Men like him won't ever accept that they did something wrong, they will always look to minimise and push it back on you so you'd be wasting your time trying to get him to see your side.

Oh and I hope that you do know this but it does not matter one little bit about how assertive you were. You made it clear you did not want to continue, nothing more was required.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 01/01/2021 09:45

What a complete bastard.

@FeelingUnsureNow you said no. Assertive or not any decent bloke would have taken that at face value on stopped there and then.

There was penetrative therfore he raped you. I'm very sorry. You need to take action, please consider making a police report, now I understand its not that easy (I couldn't report mine) but do please consider it.

Palavah · 01/01/2021 09:49

I'm so sorry you had this happen to you. It must be especially disappointing after a few months of niceness.

Please don't for a minute think this is your fault. You were clear with your words. This is not on you.

There are good men out there.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 01/01/2021 10:56

Thanks everyone. I don't for a moment think it's my fault. It's interesting that he didn't respond to my deal-breaker text at all. That to me says that he is either oblivious to having done anything wrong or he's a complete narcissist. He lives a fair way away but he knows my kids are at my ex's this weekend. Hoping he's just a complete ignoramus rather than the latter. Thanks for your support Mumsnet community. It's so nice having a place where we can look out for each other. xo

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 01/01/2021 11:01

@FeelingUnsureNow you’ve absolutely done the right thing. What an arsehole he is. I hope you’re ok

KnitsAndGiggles · 01/01/2021 11:01

It wouldn't matter if you were in the middle of consensual sex when you said you wanted to stop - him attempting to continue would still be rape. Well done to you for sending that text and ending it so decisively - your instincts were not wrong.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/01/2021 11:05

Sorry you experienced this op. To the op who mentions a SARC, what is that?

OhDearMuriel · 01/01/2021 11:10

He's most likely not replied because he doesn't want to implicate himself.

Cleverpolly3 · 01/01/2021 11:23

@MrsTerryPratchett

95% of guys night be the same.

Absolutely fucking not. Most men aren't rapists.

I think the point is that based on the OP similar experiences and being “conditioned to tolerate it” in a previous long term relationship she has nothing else really to compare it to?
Cleverpolly3 · 01/01/2021 11:27

@SueDeNimm

As a woman who has zero problem with saying no, firmly, and as quickly as needed.., my vote is he is out of order snd it's not a misunderstanding. Sorry. This is both a) very uncommon and b) a massive red flag. I'm afraid he's now in the 'departure lounge' category for me
The misunderstanding thing makes my blood boil it really does If a man who rapes a women claims he didn’t understand she was saying no -so it’s not rape- but it otherwise a successful functioning adult then this is quite clearly a load of BS. Or they are mentally infirm and should be put in some sort of institution for similar men who have issues with pretending to not understand the word no. For a very long time.
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