But I did say No - what now?

[FeelingUnsureNow]

I've been dating a really nice man for the last three months. It's been going well but I'm not all that sure of myself after a couple of decades with an emotionally abusive man.
This morning, he tried to investigate sex and I said no, I'm a bit tender. He then got on top of me and tried to enter me. I said 'if you continue, you are going to hurt me'. He continued for 10-20 seconds until I firmly told him to get off. He obliged. We didn't speak of it again and I went home. Now he's texting me with casual, normal chit chat and I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong. To be fair, I wasn't very assertive but I think I was clear with my words. I just don't know what to say to him now. Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I say something?

I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong.

Men who behave like this never do.

It's a hallmark of an abuser. They will minimise. They will brush it off. They will gaslight. They will try to project the issue onto their partner; YOU are the one who has somehow got it wrong. They will pretend it didn't happen. Usually this BS will be interspersed with a bit of love bombing to keep their partner interested. The next time the abuse will be ramped up a little more - and then escalates. It always escalates.

I'm cheering you on having read your updates OP: you are an absolute trooper. There is no grey area surrounding what he did. This man is a rapist.

@CandyLeBonBon SARC is a Sexual Assault Referral Centre, they are usually attached to a health care facility and provide care and advice specific to the situation so would be sympathetic and helpful to @FeelingUnsureNow.

@Cleverpolly3, that is exactly what I meant. It's sad that I haven't seen much better from my choice in men. And my ex had spent twenty years telling me that men are only after one thing. I don't believe that's true but I haven't seen much better behaviour.
I have a teenage daughter who is just starting to get interested in boys. I was quite honest with her without being too detailed and have used this example to teach her that she can say no and any worthwhile boy would respect that. If not, walk away.

I sent him an (erghhhh) text message telling him that this morning was an absolute deal-breaker.

Don’t feel bad about the text message. He showed you less respect than that.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please take a moment to process what has happened, get angry if you need to, and then do some self care and research work to make sure you can recognise red flags and impose firm boundaries on anyone you meet in the future. You sound like a strong and clever woman, and this makes you more of a target for men like this (they get a kick out of breaking you slowly over time).
Wishing you all the best.

Have you done the freedom course through women’s aid? Worth a look.

No means no. Always and forever and the vast majority of men understand and respect this.

Block his number.

Omg so sorry this has happened op. This is disgusting and no decent man would carry on when you have said no..it makes me feel sick! Block him

Well done Op, have you seen

It is really great at explaining consent and may be worth a watch especially with your daughter too.

@wantmorenow, that clip is priceless. I'd love to send it to him too but I'm passing on having any contact with him. Just glad I didn't give him my heart. Thank you

You've done the right thing, although in a bit worried for you that you were sore the morning after sex? I've not had that apart from the sore muscle kind, apologies for being really graphic - but are you being aroused properly? (And again I'm so sorry for the blunt language) - but if you've always had sex in a way that puts you and your body second, then perhaps you shouldn't put with the soreness either?

FeelingUnsureNow

It's a powerful clip agreed. perhasp it may be worth considering a call to 101 to report too, not with a view to charges as it's vanishing slim that anything could happen but maybe it will be associated with his name and any future/past incidents.

I've been around the block a lot and this has, luckily, never happened to me. His sense of entitlement to your body is chilling and maybe a Claire's law application may reveal more to this than an isolated one off occurrence. Normal men do not behave this way. I second your wise decision to not engage with him at all in any way but recording it with police may protect you in the future if he reappears which given his sense of invulnerability and entitlement, he may.

Also a good role modelling for your daughter going forward. x

Thanks @Rainbowshine