Mum's 'Other' Family

[Sudocrum]

6 years ago, DM moved 200 miles away to live with her boyfriend. It was all extremely rushed and they hadn't been together long.

He has children who are in their late teens and they appear to live 50/50 with their Mum and Dad.

Her boyfriend had a nasty fall around 1 year ago and left his job, he has been told he can not work in his old job again. He hasn't returned to work though and claims sick benefits. My mum works hard and seems to pay for everything.

I have only ever visited her once since she lived there as they live in the middle of nowhere, no hotels nearby and their small cottage doesn't have room for us to stay (4 of us including my DCs). So she visits us every 3-4 weeks and often stays with us when she visits.

This year, Mum travelled to us for Christmas day as planned and this meant us hosting her as we usually would every other year. She however said when she arrived that she wasn't too fussed about staying for dinner (this is after we had begun preparing it) and had she not been visiting we would have bubbled and eaten with my inlaws at their house with much less hassle. I told her we expected her to eat with us as planned, but she requested that she take her dessert with her, wrapped in a napkin.

It then became apparent that she was rushing back to prepare a buffet for her boyfriend and his kids.

My sister barely sees DM as she says she feels utterly let down by her for moving so far away, so suddenly. I have tried to be more understanding.

Its quite difficult however when she often sends photographs of meals she's preparing for her boyfriend and his family, little birthday celebrations she's organised for them, BBQs etc. I miss my mum's cooking and feel a bit jealous that I haven't had a meal made by her in 6 years, unlike her new family who get them regularly. I'm upset that she rushes home to her other family when she arranged to spend Christmas day with us, I'm often exhausted when she visits and I host her and try to plan in some fun activities for us to make memories together with DCs as her boyfriend can't even go out for a walk since his accident. I know she feels quite out of sorts about this. I've gone through 2 difficult pregnancies without her, have had no help with DCs at all,no hugs when things got tough and DCs became ill.
I've found it hard since she left and I'm hurt by the roles we seem to have fallen into- me as her host, her playing mum to someone else's kids and her not being around when I've been having mine.

Would you feel the same?

No I wouldn't. You say yourself you don't visit. Of course she's going to start building relationships with those closer to her. Just as youflew the next and had different priorities when you met, married and had kids with your partner, and she had to understand, perhaps you should do the same service to her

YABU and a bit jealous really. you need to visit your mum more often.

I get that hosting is hard work though - could you get a takeaway next time she comes? Or suggest she treats you to one?

Well i would be worried about her. She cannot spend one day with her own kids and seems obliged to race back to care for him and his kids???

If he is that incapacitated his teens can look after him for one day. Or if they're not there he doent need to host a xmas day lunch.

She seems bound by obligation there. Lot of responsibility. I would be v worried she was feeling locked in now.

Surely there has to be a hotel within driving distance. You say she lives 200 miles away, it's not a plane journey away and I'm sure there is a hotel within a 50 mile radius or within half an hours drive from her house. Why can't you visit for a weekend? Spend the days with her and the drive to a hotel?

My parent a live in the back of beyond but there's a B&B locally and a travel lodge 29 miles away

I think I would feel jealous here and possibly pushed aside.
But when you’re an adult, I don’t think it’s fair that people have expectations of you. I don’t understand when parents have big expectations of their adult children and vice versa. The relationship at this point has to be mutual and I think you either need to put more effort in or if you feel you do enough or too much then you need to pull back and match the effort coming from your mum.
It’s sad and you could have a conversation with her about how you feel, but I’m not sure this would actually be the right thing because people generally treat you how they want to. She’s chosen to act the way she has and I too think I would feel a bit abandoned maybe. It’s the suddenness of it.
I guess you need to adapt your expectations of the relationship you have with her.

There are 2 sides to this. You are all grown adults and your mum has the right to have a relationship. If she's being supportive step-mum of two teens, that's great. It isn't their fault if you feel jealous towards your mum's role in their lives. She's doing the right thing here.

Your issue is you don't feel supported enough and feel a bit abandoned by her moving so far away? How old is your mum? She probably feels a bit torn with everything.

Yes, she should have said she couldn't stay for food at Christmas, but she probably felt she was doing the best thing in visiting.

Bottom line is she does have the right to have a life now her own children are adults. It's not right to expect her to be there on tap for your needs. When you needed support, did you actually ask her for help?

I realise it is hard when a parent takes up with another family, but all situations are different. It might be worth just telling her you miss her a lot and would like to spend more time with her with the DCs - Covid permitting!

It sounds awful and I really do feel for you. Of course your jealous that another family now has almost all of your mum's attention! That's a natural human reaction.

No I don't think I would. You're not a child so can't expect to be treat like one. Of course she's going to prepare food for those in her own home. You need to start adulting, it was never her responsibility to help you through pregnancy, raising your children or perking you up after a bad day. I would say that's your DH role.

I would feel the same as you OP. Perhaps we shouldn’t have expectations of other adults, but I think it’s only natural to expect our parents to want to spend time with us and our children and to feel disappointed if that isn’t the case.

I would probably feel the same, tbh. And if she left halfway through Christmas dinner, with a piece of pudding wrapped in a napkin, without making clear beforehand that this was the plan, I would be cross.

However some people (mainly women) live to feel needed in their home. They have no interest in being an occasional presence or visitor in someone else's house/life, when they can be at the centre of their own household. Looking at some of the threads on Mumsnet, where elderly parents are brushed off by their busy adult children, I sort of understand it too.

Maybe talk to her about it and make clear that you and your children still love and need her, but also be understanding that she has built herself the life of her choosing for all the times you don't need her.

Could your mum be in an abusive relationship?

Also some women get very co-dependent on men. They get obsessed with new men, and start to run their whole lives around them. They therefore hate not being in a relationship without a man focus on as they feel only of value in a relationship. Is your mum one of those types of women?

Fair enough she's started a relationship and therefore naturally spends some time with their family, but that level of involvement sounds quite odd. The quick move without knowing each other is also a bit of a red flag. Where is the actual mother of her boyfriend's children? Very strange your mum's not wanted to spend more time with her own grandchildren and daughters, especially as she doesn't see you all nearly as often at all.

YANBU
This is very strange behaviour. I would be pushing to visit yourselves. I don’t understand why they couldn’t make space for you tbh. The teens could let your family use their rooms and stay with their mum, couldn’t they? That way you could spend quality time with your mum and her partner. I’d be deeply offended if my mother and her partner saw me and my children as such a low priority that they couldn’t organise something for me and didn’t.

I think it's completely understandable you feel that way and a little rude of her not to explain her plans to you regarding Christmas Day especially as it was the only day many people were allowed to meet other family members.

I would feel the same, OP. We still need our mums when we're adults (especially during pregnancy or with sick children) and it must hurt a lot to feel like you've been abandoned. This is not to say your mother is not allowed to choose to live where she would like; but it doesnt seem like she is making a huge effort to stay emotionally close to you, or remain a big part of your life. So no, YANBU. I'm sorry.

Unfortunately your mum isn’t there just to service you. She’s an adult entitled to her own life.

That said I do understand that you would feel put out, especially re the Christmas meal. Moving so far away from my children and grandchildren is not something I would want to do, but each to their own.

I would be more concerned that she’s financially propping up this man.

I’d say this is a total miscommunication. If I’m understanding your DM travelled 200 miles to visit you on Xmas Day and back? I might have that wrong. It’s a very long way to travel for her to visit when presumably she couldn’t stay over because of covid. If I’m right I think it’s unreasonable of you to expect her to do all that travelling on Christmas Day. She should have said she wasn’t staying for dinner but why didn’t you ask her beforehand? If you want to have your mums cooking go visit her! Once in 6 years is very very poor.
If I was doing all that driving to see family at Christmas, I’d also want to be home at a decent hour.
I might have the facts totally wrong and I apologise if I’ve misunderstood but I feel very dreadfully sad for your mum.

One other problem of not being able to visit their house is that they smoke in it so not really a suitable place to take the DCs to.
There are 2 hotels within 50 miles, which are extortionate and don't have family rooms which would mean us sitting quietly in the dark whilst DCs slept after 8pm.

Your mum traveled 200 miles each way to see you Christmas Day?
Did I read that right? Maybe not.

Sounds like she really wanted to see you and chose you on Christmas Day.

Presumably you (non Covid times) visit her on Mother’s Day/her birthday?

Could you think out the box a bit and meet in the middle for days out sometimes.

Life is not about totting up scores for fairness - not when grown up anyway.

Expectations on adults who have their own life to live can be very draining for all.

Air BandB?

Yes we meet in the middle someimes (pre-covid).
Yes she travelled on Christmas day, but we made it clear that we didn't expect it.
Yes I'm also worried about some of the choices she's made and believe she may be co-dependent.
@theyearofsmallthings I definitely think she enjoys being the centre of her own household which makes a lot of sense.
I think also, as mentioned upthread, that she feels a huge sense of obligation to her partner and his family. An obligation that I'm not sure makes her particularly happy really although she wouldn't admit it.

Would you rather your mum had stayed single? Do you actually object to her relationship?
Or is it just the confusion over the xmas visit? It's not really clear.

Sorry cross posted.

YABU

Why is the fact her partner (they live together and are mature adults, so “boyfriend” is a bit dismissive) isn’t working because of his disability relevant?

You say you never visit her and have made multiple excuses not to do so. She travelled to see you on Christmas Day, 200 miles each way, and you think she is the one who is being unreasonable?

Ultimately you live your own life and she lives her’s, and her household are her priority as much as your household is yours.

If you think you should see more of her, then make the effort and see more of her. Maybe you could even travel that 200 miles each way the same as she did.