Mum's 'Other' Family

[Sudocrum]

6 years ago, DM moved 200 miles away to live with her boyfriend. It was all extremely rushed and they hadn't been together long.

He has children who are in their late teens and they appear to live 50/50 with their Mum and Dad.

Her boyfriend had a nasty fall around 1 year ago and left his job, he has been told he can not work in his old job again. He hasn't returned to work though and claims sick benefits. My mum works hard and seems to pay for everything.

I have only ever visited her once since she lived there as they live in the middle of nowhere, no hotels nearby and their small cottage doesn't have room for us to stay (4 of us including my DCs). So she visits us every 3-4 weeks and often stays with us when she visits.

This year, Mum travelled to us for Christmas day as planned and this meant us hosting her as we usually would every other year. She however said when she arrived that she wasn't too fussed about staying for dinner (this is after we had begun preparing it) and had she not been visiting we would have bubbled and eaten with my inlaws at their house with much less hassle. I told her we expected her to eat with us as planned, but she requested that she take her dessert with her, wrapped in a napkin.

It then became apparent that she was rushing back to prepare a buffet for her boyfriend and his kids.

My sister barely sees DM as she says she feels utterly let down by her for moving so far away, so suddenly. I have tried to be more understanding.

Its quite difficult however when she often sends photographs of meals she's preparing for her boyfriend and his family, little birthday celebrations she's organised for them, BBQs etc. I miss my mum's cooking and feel a bit jealous that I haven't had a meal made by her in 6 years, unlike her new family who get them regularly. I'm upset that she rushes home to her other family when she arranged to spend Christmas day with us, I'm often exhausted when she visits and I host her and try to plan in some fun activities for us to make memories together with DCs as her boyfriend can't even go out for a walk since his accident. I know she feels quite out of sorts about this. I've gone through 2 difficult pregnancies without her, have had no help with DCs at all,no hugs when things got tough and DCs became ill.
I've found it hard since she left and I'm hurt by the roles we seem to have fallen into- me as her host, her playing mum to someone else's kids and her not being around when I've been having mine.

Would you feel the same?

I think you’re very judgey. Your mum has been with her partner for 6 years and he can’t work due to disability - of course she’s going to support him financially and emotionally if she can. It’s the least anyone would expect of a partner! I’m disabled and my husband and I have been together 12 years. He works full time and I stay at home (I receive high rate disability benefits). Should he be putting pressure on me to support myself? Sorry if that’s not what you meant by your post but there’s a lot of judging in your language.

Your Mum lives with him and his children/ teens full time. They’re her main concern now. She still loves you - she wouldn’t make the 400 mile round trip regularly if she didn’t but you’re an adult with your own life now, you don’t “need” her in the same way anymore.

My dad lives in London and we live in Norfolk and I haven’t seen him in 8 years! (I accept that’s the other end of the spectrum but honestly I think if you’re seeing your mum every 3-4 weeks that’s a lot more than a lot of people).

I think it’s pretty strange you think a woman with children well into adulthood should restrict herself to living in their vicinity to hover about cooking and babysitting for them, to be honest.

@KosherSalt

I think it’s pretty strange you think a woman with children well into adulthood should restrict herself to living in their vicinity to hover about cooking and babysitting for them, to be honest.

Agree with this, totally.

Although the crux of an issue like this can be challenging to identify and articulate, I think it's blindingly obvious this isn't about childcare or offloading any other aspect of our workload.

I have been experiencing borderline eating disorders due to the feelings I have about the relationship with my mother, and that made me wish she would cook me a meal, however stupid that might sound.

In many cultures, the maternal grandmother plays a very central role in the lives of their daughters and grandchildren. Maternal grandmothers in poorer countries even initiate their own breastmilk in order to help feed their maternal grqndchildren. Some animals even emulate the maternal grandmother dynamic.
As a species, our children remain with us for longer than others and we need help and support from other family members or friends to help rear them.
In my social circles, it's very normal for the maternal grandmother to play an extremely central role in the lives of their young grandchildren.
I am not saying that she shouldn't be allowed to move on with her life at all, but that feeling sad because of missing out on that close and precious maternal support and relationship should be ok.

@carreterra

Op, I am not proud, but 17 years ago I did what yr mum did & the relationship ended last year, one because I realised he was a controlling arse, and also I wasn't prepared to kiss his family's arse, his daughter in particular.

Brave post and well done for ending it.

Thank you for sharing @carreterra and well done for getting away.

My mum isn't in a controlling or abusive relationship I don't think.

But her partner is very odd. The last time I saw him, he got insanely drunk and he began telling rude jokes infront of my eldest DC. My sister's husband very frankly told him to leave the family gathering.

I guess it doesn't help that we think Mum could have atleast have chosen someone who wasn't a bit of an idiot.

Thankyou @Sudocrum, i hope things change for you & your mum by next Christmas.
Thankyou @SandyY2K, I've read your other posts, you always talk good sense.

I think your missing your mum, and Christmas has confirmed this and brought up a lot of feelings, it almost would have been better not to have seen you, but a 400 round trip in one day is madness, I think you should call her and simply say you miss her

You sound a bit pathetic tbf. Your mum has a life, 200 mikes away, she still sees you every few weeks! That's very frequent still, and she made a huge effort coming 400 miles round trip to see you Christmas Day! You've moved on abd got a family, it would be very different if she left you as kids snd did this, but not when you're an adult with your own life... that she still engages with regularly