Mum's 'Other' Family

[Sudocrum]

6 years ago, DM moved 200 miles away to live with her boyfriend. It was all extremely rushed and they hadn't been together long.

He has children who are in their late teens and they appear to live 50/50 with their Mum and Dad.

Her boyfriend had a nasty fall around 1 year ago and left his job, he has been told he can not work in his old job again. He hasn't returned to work though and claims sick benefits. My mum works hard and seems to pay for everything.

I have only ever visited her once since she lived there as they live in the middle of nowhere, no hotels nearby and their small cottage doesn't have room for us to stay (4 of us including my DCs). So she visits us every 3-4 weeks and often stays with us when she visits.

This year, Mum travelled to us for Christmas day as planned and this meant us hosting her as we usually would every other year. She however said when she arrived that she wasn't too fussed about staying for dinner (this is after we had begun preparing it) and had she not been visiting we would have bubbled and eaten with my inlaws at their house with much less hassle. I told her we expected her to eat with us as planned, but she requested that she take her dessert with her, wrapped in a napkin.

It then became apparent that she was rushing back to prepare a buffet for her boyfriend and his kids.

My sister barely sees DM as she says she feels utterly let down by her for moving so far away, so suddenly. I have tried to be more understanding.

Its quite difficult however when she often sends photographs of meals she's preparing for her boyfriend and his family, little birthday celebrations she's organised for them, BBQs etc. I miss my mum's cooking and feel a bit jealous that I haven't had a meal made by her in 6 years, unlike her new family who get them regularly. I'm upset that she rushes home to her other family when she arranged to spend Christmas day with us, I'm often exhausted when she visits and I host her and try to plan in some fun activities for us to make memories together with DCs as her boyfriend can't even go out for a walk since his accident. I know she feels quite out of sorts about this. I've gone through 2 difficult pregnancies without her, have had no help with DCs at all,no hugs when things got tough and DCs became ill.
I've found it hard since she left and I'm hurt by the roles we seem to have fallen into- me as her host, her playing mum to someone else's kids and her not being around when I've been having mine.

Would you feel the same?

I'm sad for you @Sudocrum It sounds rotten
I'm astonished at how harsh some posters have been.

I agree with you completely, OP. You want to feel like, when your mum is there, that you are her priority. Basically she's taken on another nurturing 'mum' role elsewhere, which most men who join other families, do not at all, how many men do you know who would not want a proper family dinner because they were rushing to prepare a buffet for their family. Nil. It's not a thing. She's obviously a nurturing person and of course it hurts she's chosen to nurture them even more than you.

All this -you are an adult, you shouldn't expect anything, yes, fine if she wasn't the maternal type, but she clearly is, just going into another family and not so much yours. She's taken on running a household of teens and now a disabled husband (if I read that right). Ultimately it is her choice, but it's fine to be sad about it. I don't think she will change though.

I think you should focus on your in laws and leave your mum to it. I understand you are upset but I have similar with my mum and have had therapy to cope. Stop enabling her. Leave her to crack on and don’t put yourself out. Focus on your kids and your family. If she comes great if she doesn’t then so be it. There’s really nothing you can do.

My mum's the same, she always " can't stay for long because I have to go cook stepdad's tea"

It pains me because it's at odds with her own values she instilled in me growing up which were actually pretty good values, and also she doesn't seem happy, just doing out of duty, and she doesn't seem able to think for herself.

I know she would say "you are grown up and don't need your hand held ect" but that's missing the point. She's supposed to like her grandkids and enjoy playing with them, and the woman I knew would have loved nothing more. It seems she's a bit dead inside to be honest. While I know this is a hard time for everyone, she was like it before and it does seem like her life choices ie. relationship that are causing it!

Thanks all. Fascinating to read such a range of perceptions.
She loves her GCs, but yes it does appear that she's chosen to nurture another family. She is very nurturing.
I think it's maybe a little odd because I spent a lot of time with my grandparents (her parents) growing up so that her and my DF could still have a social life at weekends. I'm not expecting this, but I often wonder if she's ever thought that, the opportunities her own parents gave to her and my Dad, she doesn't give to my sister and I.

@ProfessorSillyStuff some of your post really resonates.

My mum definitely lost that maternal vibe when she reached 50. I am not sure if hormone changes are partly to blame. When she visits GCs, after an hour she will often suddenly need to nip to the shops etc and be gone for an hour or two. It's like she wants to see them, but when she's here, needs a break from them.

My mum moved to the other side of the world. She has not been around for the birth of all but 1 of her grandchildren.

She moved to him as his kids were younger however he has little to no relationship with his oldest and minimal relationship with his youngest - his youngest was 12 when she moved but he will be mid to late 20's now.

I feel so sad that my mum has missed so much but it was her choice. She chose him
and his family and she has lost more than we lost. Over the years i have come to feel less bitter about it as it is not helpful to feel this way.

@christmasathomeagain
It's so sad when they choose a man over their family and miss out on so much.

💐

I still can't get over the Christmas Day debacle. Can you go over it again?

Did she really drive 200 miles to eat half a meal and then turn around and drive back 200 miles with a bit of desert in her pocket??

Does she seem happy, Op?

If so you are just going to have to accept the decisions that she is making and adjust your expectations accordingly.

My mum did that. Moved six hours drive away from us for a man. She didn't live with him, she lived down the road in her own place.

Then she had a massive stroke. The man didn't even visit her in hospital, where she remained for a couple of months. My brother organised bringing her back, because she had no-one to be released to who would care for her needs there. She's never forgiven my brother because she was convinced that eventually this guy would take her in.

I am struggling to understand the Christmas day journeys. So, your mum drove to yours and back in the same day but there are so many barriers which stop you from seeing her at her house? You need to grow up and lower your expectations from your mum. Can’t the poor woman make her own choices?

I wouldn't be jealous about the food, as I can cook well myself, but I would be concerned about other things.

I really don't see why she bothered to come for Christmas when she wasn't going to eat with you...makes no sense at all.

Op, I am not proud, but 17 years ago I did what yr mum did & the relationship ended last year, one because I realised he was a controlling arse, and also I wasn't prepared to kiss his family's arse, his daughter in particular. (His family expecting me to host them every Christmas, while at the same time calling me rotten) After 17 years trying to keep my own family happy when I was in a relationship that was draining the real me, I called time. My own family come first now, just like they did before he showed his 2 faces (charming but deadly) It's up to your mum to see she is being controlled, until then there's not much you can do.

Relationships are complex aren't they and as we can see by the range of responses people can see both sides. Could she be trying to have a second go at parenting? Did she feel she didn't get it right the first time? For instance, I have seen that with some mums with their youngest child if there is a large age gap (ie baby at 16 then again at 35) and dad's who showed no interest in their first family but suddenly have a new wife and baby a year after divorce etc.

To drive all that way suggests to me she has the very best of intentions but something is getting in the way.

I think your mum was trying to please everybody and spread herself too thin. I spent half of Xmas day with my kids and half with DP. It was absolutely exhausting. I would have been so upset if despite all that effort (and 2 Xmas dinners!) they still felt like I had let them down

I would have just preferred her to not have spread herself so thinly tbh.

We didn't get to enjoy the time we had together as it was all so rushed and she couldn't relax.

Leaving before pudding is served when invited to Christmas dinner is weird and I’d be pretty disappointed if anyone did that let alone my mother.

I think you are being oversensitive. As adults, your relationship works both ways. You have said yourself that you have only bothered to visit her once! And yet she drove 200 miles to be with you on Christmas! She probably feels a little hurt by your behaviour and your excuses not to visit her - to be honest your chilrren dont need an early bedtime on a special occasion like staying overnight to visit family and staying in a hotel. I always share a room with my kids and have never once sat in the dark because they're sleeping surely one later night won't hurt them? Your mum deserves to be happy too - it isn't like you get to a certain age and no longer need love. She sounds like a lovely partner and stepmum (as well as a lovely mum! Just she is human, and has acted like a human, and moved to be with the person she loves. I am sure you would move to be with your husband, and she wouldn't sulk or feel jealous about it? And she has already proven that she is willing to travel to you! It must have been hard for her to make Christmas plans, diving her time between you and her partner and stepkids must have been exhausting for her! I really think she showed her love for you by travelling for so long and don't think it is fsir for you to resent her travelling back to spend the last bit of the day eatinf a buffet with her partner! If it was the otjer way around, and you had travelled all that way (alone) to visit her, do you think you'd appreciate her begrudging you travelling back to spend the last bit of the day with your husband and kids? Or is your relationship with your husband more important than her relationship with her partner? It is okay to feel secretely a bit jealous when a parent gets another family but it isnt really rational or fair to the parent.

I just teel so bemused that MN is so quick to assume abuse. I would want to spend a small portion of my day with my partner because i love him too? And not because I'm being abused?

The main thing that stuck out to me from your post is that she visits every 3-4 weeks despite living 200 miles away, that isn't someone who has given up on her family. It's a shame she lives so remotely and can't give the support you are craving, but it sounds like she values your relationship and loves you more than you are giving her credit for.

[quote Sudocrum]@christmasathomeagain
It's so sad when they choose a man over their family and miss out on so much.

💐[/quote]
This, also, is VERY unfair. Your mum hasn't 'chosen a man over her family'. It sounds like she dutifully and lovingly raised her children, and then when her children were grown adults with families of their own, she met a new man and formed her own relationship. Would you prefer she stayed single and lonely and was there to serve you and your sister while you live happy lives with your families and she is all alone? Were either you or your sister willing to live with her so she wasn't all alone? Or were you expecting her to just be alone nearby incase you needed anything? I can't believe i have commented on this post three times but i just feel SO desperately sad for your mum. Your sister's behaviour is shocking. Really awful

A 400 mile round trip is madness though. No wonder she was itching to get going again.

Have you spoken to her at all about this. You sound a bit immature - wanting your mum to make you a meal, saying she is "choosing a man" over you.

Well for myself I think it says a lot that we wouldn't all be eating Xmas Dinner together even on a non covid year, if I offered to pay for all fuel and cook everything, nothing could be done to make it work, as her husband has alienated everyone over the years with various antics that have eroded my mum's standards and driven us all apart. So the poor woman is forced into spreading herself thinly, and feeling guilty on all sides. That's why it's a bad relationship for her at the end of the day...imo my mother should leave the sad sack and she almost has several times but she never will now.

Is there similar background with how your mum's fella fits in with her existing family op? It doesn't exactly sound like they're making the effort to create one big happy extended family, iyswim, although that could be hard in current times of course!

I think my mum's fella never could accept that her kids were actually family preferred to imagine them as young adult friends/nephews and nieces of hers that she could just drop, and this mindset she seemed to accept due to her extreme emotional dependance on him.

Codependant people just can't cope being away from their attachment object for more than a few minutes sometimes and some people know that and use it to their advantage.