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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really dislike my husband

67 replies

Goodbye2020123 · 30/12/2020 16:22

I now know what it feels like to be married to someone you just can't stand. I used to think marriages like this didn't exist, I couldn't imagine marrying someone and one day be sick of the sight of them. But I am living it now.

My husband is just awful. It's got to the point where I feel constantly on edge in my own home - we are both always here due to covid and working from home. I can't cook anything without him standing there watching in case I 'make a mess' and if I do anything in the house and there is a strange noise - for example, something falls off the dressing table, he comes running in and demanding what that was and if I have made a mess. I can't clean because he thinks I will be doing it wrong and starts shouting at me. I can't bake because he doesn't want me to use the clean trays, bowls, spoons etc etc. Every time I have a shower he does an 'inspection ( yes he calls it that) of the bathroom to make sure there is no water on the floor. It is actually a nightmare.

I have asked him to please just leave me alone, and treat me like a housemate - give me space and only talk to me if you have to. But he won't do that, he's constantly harassing me.

He embarrasses me in front of people - a few weeks ago we saw a relative of mine, and he kept telling this relative about all the things I do wrong, and that I try and control him and does relative think that's ok (he thinks I am controlling him because he wanted to go and see a friend in a tier 3 high cases area and I said I am very uncomfortable with that and it's against the law)

I am trapped in a 5 year fixed mortgage, and I don't have anywhere else to go right now. I can't just move and rent - my job situation is very very unstable due to covid. He says if I want to sell the house he will do nothing to cooperate. So I don't know where to start.

I also have no friends to talk to, and no family I feel comfortable speaking with about this.

How did I end up in this situation? Sad

OP posts:
annabellacomestotea · 30/12/2020 16:26

It sounds like he has OCD or some kind of anxiety. He is treating you like a child, not an adult.

It's easy to end up in situations we didn't expect to find ourselves in (I have too...we never think it can be us!), but there's always a way out even if not easy.

Ohalrightthen · 30/12/2020 16:29

He sounds deeply mentally unwell, which is sad for him, and also deeply controllig and abusive, which is much more important.

OP, please confide in someone in real life. The people who love you will 100% help you to get out of this dire situation.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2020 16:37

He's abusive that's why you don't like him. I would actually do as you wish when cooking, cleaning or anything else. What can he do besides talking and taking.

Has he ever been violent?
Do you have a spare room you could sleep in? With a lock on the door to keep him out?

He sounds awful...I would kero referring back to living as housemates to him.

How long has he been like this? Standing over you cooking....and if you did bake what could he do to stop you?

It doesn't sound like you have kids with him...if that's the case keep it that way.

Keeo a record of his unreasonable behaviour for yourself.

Lockdownlife245 · 30/12/2020 16:47

You can get out of a fixed mortgage it’ll just come with a penalty. Personally I wouldn’t let that stop me.

christmascarly · 30/12/2020 16:49

It sounds intolerable. Does he want to separate?

Original poster
Goodbye2020123 · 30/12/2020 16:51

If I cook/ clean etc he will shout and scream and physically take things away from me. He has held me down and restrained me in the past to stop me doing things , and pushed and poked me if I try and ignore the shouting.

We do sleep in separate rooms and have for a long time now.

He became like this shortly after we bought a house - he didn't really do this when we were renting.

And no we don't have kids

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 30/12/2020 16:51

Has he always been like this or is it a new thing? He certainly sounds awful. You really need to leave so maybe start trying to look at how you can achieve that?

Original poster
Goodbye2020123 · 30/12/2020 16:52

It sounds intolerable. Does he want to separate?

No he doesn't because he doesn't want to lose the house

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 30/12/2020 16:53

It seems to be all about the house. It is like he loves the house above everything. Very odd.

waytheleaveswork · 30/12/2020 16:54

How old are You?
This is no way to live

Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2020 16:55

He sounds mentally ill and potentially dangerous, he’s certainly abusive
You need to leave as soon as you can OP, do you have anywhere else you can go?

waytheleaveswork · 30/12/2020 16:55

And for what it's worth, I left a DH with a fixed term mortgage. He bought me out, with no penalties.

crunchiebabe · 30/12/2020 16:55

That's terrible , I'm so sorry. This can't go on... Is the house in joint names ? You always have options , always .... wishing you the best

StephenBelafonte · 30/12/2020 17:04

Divorce him. Go straight to a final court hearing as trying to negotiate with someone like that will be a waste of time. It will take at least a year so thats another year gone on the fixed rate mortgage which by the way you're not actually trapped on its just that you and your STBEX will have to pay a penalty on.

CorianderQueen · 30/12/2020 17:06

You need to separate. He is very unwell and abusive because of it. I'm gobsmacked that he would hold you down to stop you from doing simple things like baking.

Have you suggested he see a doc/psychologist?

I would speak to your mortgage provider to see what options there are. Maybe also ring women's aid to see what they can suggest?

wibblewombat · 30/12/2020 17:10

Your mental health and physical safety should be your top priority. He's clearly lost the plot, so time for you to get a plan and then execute it.

Definitely being abused.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 30/12/2020 17:14

Do some baking and if he restrains you - call the police - give the wanker a fright.

lilylongjohn · 30/12/2020 17:16

Do some baking and if he restrains you - call the police - give the wanker a fright

This is a dangerous situation to put yourself in, but I can't help but agree. Restraining you and poking you is physical abuse.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 30/12/2020 17:22

I've been through similar, one of my many "I can't go on like this" moments was when he got in and asked me if I'd given my children (not his) snacks while he was out of the house, and when I said no, he searched all the bins for wrappers. It's control and abuse. Women's aid helped me realise I had other options and I'm now divorced because life is too short. My kids gave me strength because I knew we couldn't live like this

pog100 · 30/12/2020 17:27

You need firstly to shine a light on this, don't keep it secret, share it, it isn't you who has done anything wrong. Secondly just calmly ask the mortgagee providers what happens in the event of a sale. It is possible, you may lose a little money but presumably out of whatever equity you have. Set things rolling, you will feel so much better. You cannot live like this

Talia99 · 30/12/2020 17:28

The restraining you is physical abuse as much as if he’d punched you in the face. You need to contact someone for help. I’ve just googled and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline comes up - hopefully they can advise you better. The rest is most definitely emotional abuse and possibly coercive control which can be a criminal offence in itself these days.

Also, if he physically assaults you again, you need to call 999 and report it to the police.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2020 17:30

You need to call Women's Aid and a solicitor immediately, and if he touches you again, call the police. You can get out of this nightmare, you just need to make it happen

justthecat · 30/12/2020 17:31

Sod the house, thankgod you don’t have kids. You need to see a solicitor ASAP 💐

dottiedodah · 30/12/2020 17:36

I would try to extricate yourself ASAP from this situation .He sounds intolerable ! Who on earth would behave this way FFS! Speak to a Divorce lawyer and get things under way .

PurpleMustang · 30/12/2020 17:48

Thank god you don't have kids you can get rid and never see him again. You need Women's Aid or similar. He can't restrain you and think that is ok. He will only get worse. Get your ducks in a row and then figure out if he is leaving or live together till sold. I doubt I would trust him to play nice if you left. He would likely drag it out

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