I really dislike my husband

[Goodbye2020123]

I now know what it feels like to be married to someone you just can't stand. I used to think marriages like this didn't exist, I couldn't imagine marrying someone and one day be sick of the sight of them. But I am living it now.

My husband is just awful. It's got to the point where I feel constantly on edge in my own home - we are both always here due to covid and working from home. I can't cook anything without him standing there watching in case I 'make a mess' and if I do anything in the house and there is a strange noise - for example, something falls off the dressing table, he comes running in and demanding what that was and if I have made a mess. I can't clean because he thinks I will be doing it wrong and starts shouting at me. I can't bake because he doesn't want me to use the clean trays, bowls, spoons etc etc. Every time I have a shower he does an 'inspection ( yes he calls it that) of the bathroom to make sure there is no water on the floor. It is actually a nightmare.

I have asked him to please just leave me alone, and treat me like a housemate - give me space and only talk to me if you have to. But he won't do that, he's constantly harassing me.

He embarrasses me in front of people - a few weeks ago we saw a relative of mine, and he kept telling this relative about all the things I do wrong, and that I try and control him and does relative think that's ok (he thinks I am controlling him because he wanted to go and see a friend in a tier 3 high cases area and I said I am very uncomfortable with that and it's against the law)

I am trapped in a 5 year fixed mortgage, and I don't have anywhere else to go right now. I can't just move and rent - my job situation is very very unstable due to covid. He says if I want to sell the house he will do nothing to cooperate. So I don't know where to start.

I also have no friends to talk to, and no family I feel comfortable speaking with about this.

How did I end up in this situation?

@Aquamarine1029

You need to call Women's Aid and a solicitor immediately, and if he touches you again, call the police. You can get out of this nightmare, you just need to make it happen

This. Good luck but you need to get your life back and be safe and happy.

If you really wanted to leave you would leave.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you are making excuses why you can’t leave. I was a teenage single parent on benefits with no job, qualifications or money but no way would I stay in an unhappy relationship.

If you are able please give as many details about your situation as possible so MNs can give you proper advice.

You say you’re in a fixed mortgage?
Would it be better to go into rented accommodation until this is sorted. If you do lose your job you will be eligible for UC.

What job do you do?
There are jobs that provide live-in opportunities like live in carers - would this be of interest to you? It would get you out of the house and allow you to save up money for a house deposit.

Your situation sounds like the life my mum lived with my dad, OP. Reading your post brought it all back to me

He used to do things like stand and watch her cook in case the windows in the kitchen steamed up. He would stand there and open and close them.

The only shower in the house was in his bedroom (en suite). He would sit outside the door to wait for the person to come out. He would charge past the person to open the bathroom window. Every time you took a shower this happened.

He used to speak to my mum like she was stupid. He would shout at her randomly. She doesn't speak English and he did so maybe he thought he was superior because of that?

In winter, he would open all of the windows no matter how cold it was outside. My mum would hide in the living room where he approved of the windows to be closed but then she would freeze walking around the rest of the house. I could hear her voice shivering when she called me. That's when I insisted on her coming to live with me.

He turned the hot water to the lowest setting possible so my mum had to take cold showers. She told me she cried every time she had to take a shower.

Please don't have children with this man. I spent many years living with the way my dad emotionally abused my mum. My mum is wonderful and deserved so much better than him. He is dead now and I'm not sure I even feel upset about it. (I feel bad that I'm not upset because most people are upset when a parent passes away. Maybe I'm a horrible person? I just can't bring myself to care about someone who abused the one person who I love most in this world).

I'm sorry this is such a long reply. Your post reminded me of my life as a child and young adult. I hope you manage to leave this toxic relationship and find happiness.

I think you should contact Women's Aid to talk through a way of getting away from him. Talk to your bank or mortgage provider, too. It's domestic abuse - coercive control and financial abuse.

@Tootytata

Your situation sounds like the life my mum lived with my dad, OP. Reading your post brought it all back to me

He used to do things like stand and watch her cook in case the windows in the kitchen steamed up. He would stand there and open and close them.

The only shower in the house was in his bedroom (en suite). He would sit outside the door to wait for the person to come out. He would charge past the person to open the bathroom window. Every time you took a shower this happened.

He used to speak to my mum like she was stupid. He would shout at her randomly. She doesn't speak English and he did so maybe he thought he was superior because of that?

In winter, he would open all of the windows no matter how cold it was outside. My mum would hide in the living room where he approved of the windows to be closed but then she would freeze walking around the rest of the house. I could hear her voice shivering when she called me. That's when I insisted on her coming to live with me.

He turned the hot water to the lowest setting possible so my mum had to take cold showers. She told me she cried every time she had to take a shower.

Please don't have children with this man. I spent many years living with the way my dad emotionally abused my mum. My mum is wonderful and deserved so much better than him. He is dead now and I'm not sure I even feel upset about it. (I feel bad that I'm not upset because most people are upset when a parent passes away. Maybe I'm a horrible person? I just can't bring myself to care about someone who abused the one person who I love most in this world).

I'm sorry this is such a long reply. Your post reminded me of my life as a child and young adult. I hope you manage to leave this toxic relationship and find happiness.

Your post moved me.

It's the constant feeling of walking on eggshells, isn't it? I had a parent who was abusive too, and I felt so free and happy when I was able to leave home. My life began.
I hope the OP can experience that when she hopefully leaves this man.

You really have to leave. Tell him if he doesn't want to lose the house he will have to buy you out, but whether he will do that or not, just walk away anyway. Have you looked into anything like a shared rental?

@Aquamarine1029 I agree!

I should have added, OP, leave. He's horrendous.

[quote MoodyMarshall]Your husband has OCPD:

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/327158[/quote]
I think it’s not useful to sling diagnoses around or casual talk of sectioning which is not nearly as easy to do as some people think.

OP, he doesn’t sound well but only you can assess if you’re in immediate danger (better than we can) but it would be a good idea to report incidents to the police and speak to an IDVA as mentioned above as they will be able to assess how precarious your situation is through experience and direct conversation with you. It will also create a paper trail. I would speak to Women’s Aid as they can advise about the best course of action and what you can do to protect yourself. Can you stay with someone else on the basis that you are in a potentially dangerous DA situation? And perhaps while you’re out of his sight arrange a call with a solicitor to talk through next steps from a more general legal perspective?

Is he in a financial position to buy you out (in theory)?

You don’t have kids so can leave with a bag. Have you family who can have you or a friend - sod embarrassment just get out ans get talking. Everything will improve from then on

Make plans. What would happen if you just left? Assuming you don't have kids, could you go to your parents, move in with a friend, get a room in a shared house? Just getting away will give you head space to plan. You can just walk away and rent you know. That's within your control. It might be a bit scary because of your job, but lots of people are in that position right now. I assume the house is shared ownership. If you walk away, eventually he will realise it's in his interest to agree on how to split the asset as eventually he will need your signature on a bit of paper e.g. to remortgage.

Unless you have sunk fortunes into it, it's worth thinking about the option of walking away from it entirely. What price happiness?

Have you got anywhere you can stay ? Family , friends ? Or can you afford a cheap hotel for a few nights ? You need to get out asap. You may not be able to see a solicitor til Monday/Tuesday.
Good luck

I don’t understand why you would stay if you don’t have to. Just leave. You don’t have to be trapped by a mortgage. Speak to your lender and see what advice they can offer, speak to a lawyer and start division proceedings, but honestly, I’d rather leave and stop paying the mortgage despite what it would do to my credit rating, than stay in an abusive relationship.

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in.

I do agree with many of the other posters that you need to leave for various reasons. But, like one poster said, you need to think of your married future with this man.

You deserve the chance to be happier in your own home - owned or rented.
You deserve respect from the man you married; whether or not he has mental health problems.
You deserve to be responsible for yourself; you come first then him.
You deserve to be free from being living on tenterhooks and eggshells. They now call it emotional/verbal abuse; in the old days that was just a sad marriage & you couldn't escape. You were even meant to be happy that he didn't beat you.

You have choices - Please Choose YOU....

I know breaking up a marriage is really hard & heart-breaking. But, you have good reason & have already made the first steps, by acknowledging that he is behaving unreasonably, and that behaviour is making you unhappy and undermining your self-confidence. & you have started to reach out for help.

Don't stop now, no matter how long it takes you.

Priscillachinchilla - thank you for your kind words

I actually stayed at home until I was 30 years old because I didn't want to leave my mum in that horrible place with him. I left in the end because I couldn't take it anymore.

I spent most of my childhood (and adulthood) wishing she would divorce him which isn't normal...

Sorry for hijacking your post OP. I think you can see from the replies that everyone is urging you to leave. Please leave so you can have a happy life. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel unloved every day.

Please follow the advice here op, you can leave him and be happy

@annabellacomestotea - It sounds like he has OCD or some kind of anxiety

No it doesn't!!!! OCD and anxiety do NOT make you abusive - and that's what he is. Please don't perpetuate the myth that MH issues make you abusive.

OP, it sounds very hard. I'd make an appt with Citizens Advice or a solicitor, see where you stand.

God this sounds awful op. Really it's abusive as he has physically hurt you by restraining you. But also emotional abuse.

What does he say when you bring these issues up? That you're the controlling one?