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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this cheating? Final straw

60 replies

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 12:05

Am prepared to be told I'm being emotional/overreacting but I really don't think I am and I'm just so lost on what to do. DH and I have been having issues ever since we got married 3 months ago. It just seemed to me like he completely stopped trying and made no effort from that day whatsoever. I feel so worthless when he speaks to me, the way he ignored me or rejects me or anything to do with us as husband and wife. We have DD(2) and I'm also currently pregnant. I told him he makes me feel like to him I am the mother of his children and a house wife, nothing more and nothing less. He has nothing to say. There's been so many things that I've not been happy about since he's turned so cold and last week I exploded and let it all out. He said he will start making the effort, etc. But this was after 2 days of him trying to turn it around on me and it being all my fault and he's done nothing wrong. I was a crazy bitch who's exploded out of nowhere according to him and I was making all this shit up. He said he was sick of me moaning as that's all I ever do.... that was the first time I brought up the issues in 3 months..but ok. This morning, I was sat in the kitchen and a notification has popped up on his phone (it was on the kitchen table) from TikTok. Yes, I had a look because I didn't recognise the username it referred to him as. I looked on the account and he created a whole new anonymous account on TikTok for the sole purpose of watching, following and commenting on half naked women's videos. Disgusting. I felt pure rage in my body as I was going through the comments he had posted on these women's videos. It was things like 'consider it enjoyed ;)' or 'I would simp 🥰😍❤️' or just heart eyes, hearts, heart faces, disgusting comments and compliments. I felt my entire world fall apart and I knew this was the last straw and I couldn't take anymore. He never ever compliments me, never ever says anything nice to me like that and the fact that he has done this makes me feel so insecure. I started crying and said 'what the fuck is this' 'what are you doing?' He came into the kitchen and immediately snatched his phone off me and went into complete defence mode. He said it was my fault, 'here we go again, constantly fucking moaning about everything I do' 'fucking hell, you're acting like I've cheated on you' and I said to him that to me this is cheating. He said it's not and that that's what social media is for. In his eyes he's done nothing wrong and I was the one in the wrong starting this argument in the first place. I had a good long think about it and I sat him down and said that I don't want this marriage to continue. I'm so broken. I feel so sorry for our children, they do not deserve this. I've been a wreck and he's done nothing. I asked him to delete the account twice now, he still hasn't. He disagrees when I say that it's disrespectful. I feel lost for words but now it all makes sense as to why he's been so strange, cold and distant. What have I done with my life? I should have never married him.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 12:11

You sound so sad. You asked "what have I done to my life" but the wonderful thing is that your life is still going on and you're being given an opportunity to change it and make it better for you and your children.

What other support do you have in your life? Can you imagine a way to live without this relationship?

VettiyaIruken · 30/12/2020 12:13

Fortunately, you don't have to stay married to him.
Seems like he's one of those shitty men who want to tick the wife box and get full domestic services then once they've got that nailed down they unleash their full sleazy disrespectful side.

You don't need this shit.

QforCucumber · 30/12/2020 12:13

It doesn't matter if anyone else sees it as cheating or not. You feel unloved and disrespectEd, that's reason enough to leave.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 30/12/2020 12:14

Well rectify the situation and start planning for a divorce. Don’t stay miserable.

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 12:19

The only support I have at the moment is from his family as I don't have a family. I just don't even know where to start looking for divorce information and how. I have no money to my name.

OP posts:
Flyg · 30/12/2020 12:28

Find a solictors who offer a free 30 minute meeting, and keep asking here for advice.

He sounds vile.

Parkperson · 30/12/2020 12:31

Time to leave and start divorce proceedings. This will never get better.

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 12:34

When I told him I wanted a divorce he said 'well, that's a bit far, isn't it? Again, overreacting as always' and then he said but you do know that you won't be able to do X, Y and Z right? And I said I do not care at this point. I just want out.

OP posts:
rastapasta · 30/12/2020 12:35

I will have a look at solicitors now. Thank you

OP posts:
HeyDW96 · 30/12/2020 12:37

IMO men like that only get worse, very defensive and clearly thinks he has the right to do and say whatever he likes regardless of your feelings towards it. Probably only the tip of the ice berg. Ditch him for you and your children's sake.

princessjasmineofagrabah · 30/12/2020 12:48

Personally I don't think it's cheating, but it doesn't matter what I think - the thing that matters is how it's made YOU feel op. He knows it's crushed you, and hasn't done anything about it. That's not on. You are absolutely entitled to find this abhorrent. You sound so hurt and sad, and he sounds like a vile asshole. You can do better than this sweetheart. How he's made you feel about yourself isn't how others will view you. Please seek help to better yourself and your babies. I hope you're ok op ❤️

Stillfunny · 30/12/2020 12:57

It is a secret he kept from you. It is a disgusting habit. He is more interested in his cheap thrill than you and the kids. Tell him to get out and tell his family why.

CrazyToast · 30/12/2020 13:02

Sounds like you did the right thing, well done. The commenting on Tik Tok is not good, but more concerning is the way he has treated you, and tried to make it all your fault. That is totally disrespectful.

This isn't your fault.

Franticbutterfly · 30/12/2020 13:09

I would say that you are on a slippery slope with him, my husband started off doing something similar, and it got worse and worse, eventually he had a full blown affair plus loads of other things. I should probably add that after a horrendous 5 years my husband did turn it around and became the man I knew he could be, but I have ended up with mental health issues because of what I've been through because of him and really, I know I was mad to stay with him and keep taking him back as the chance of things working out was slim. I would guess that particular gamble rarely works out. Despite this, I'll never feel truly settled and secure ever again, the value of peace of mind cannot be underestimated.

LopsidedWombat · 30/12/2020 13:11

It all sounded awful before I even reached the bit about tiktok. Something I Iearned when I left my ex husband is that you really do not, should not, accept a miserable existence because of the shitty behaviour of someone else. Please don't convince yourself that you need this man or his family. If he's treating you like this now what will he be like in 5, 10, 20 years? Take the opportunity to have a better life. What was he like before you married, was it literally like a switch was flipped?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/12/2020 13:16

I don’t consider it cheating to view pictures on TikTok or make comments. No idea if my DH does this or not. Wouldn’t bother me as an isolated thing.

But I agree it is “the final straw”. It’s not this one straw but an entire thatch roof of disrespect and lack of affection and love from him that is crushing you. So, I don’t think you are over reacting because you are right. It’s last straw that broke the marriage.

BillMasen · 30/12/2020 13:22

It’s not cheating, but that’s not the point.

You can split for whatever reasons you want. He can believer you’re overreacting if he likes.

BillMasen · 30/12/2020 13:25

I’d just add that if you want out due to him commenting on videos, I think that is overreacting

If you want out because of other genuine issues then you’re not

DBML · 30/12/2020 13:29

He is a pig. He is vile. He is sleazy. He is a creep.
I would not want my husband to be any of these things either op.
Let him think you’re overreacting...just like you can’t make him stop, he can’t change who you are.

Be warned that he might ‘delete’ his account when he realises how serious you are. Do not let this be enough. Men like him will just set up a new one. They can’t help themselves.

He isn’t nice anyway, so time to look for something that makes you happy again.

Tingalingtortoise · 30/12/2020 13:29

It’s disgustingly disrespectful and he can’t see that there is anything wrong with that. What a complete pig! It’s reason enough to get divorced, don’t feel like your life is already over.

NotThatKindOfDoctor · 30/12/2020 13:35

If you’d decide to go ahead with the divorce and have no money for an independent solicitor, depending on how much he earns, he may be obliged to pay for yours. A friend of mine recently had to pay for his ex wife’s solicitor fees for the divorce because he was the money earner and she couldn’t afford a solicitor.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

RaininSummer · 30/12/2020 13:36

I probably wouldnt call it cheating but I woukd definitely consider it disrespectful and a relationship ender.

Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 13:36

@BillMasen

I’d just add that if you want out due to him commenting on videos, I think that is overreacting

If you want out because of other genuine issues then you’re not

Of course it's not unreasonable. We all have our own values, principles and boundaries. I personally could not respect a man who behaved like this and where there is no respect there is no relationship.
rastapasta · 30/12/2020 13:46

Thank you all. I came downstairs not so long ago and he was in the kitchen and he said to me 'are you seriously still crying about it' 'what are you crying about now then' 'why are you crying' 'do you want a hug' ......? I stayed silent. What the fuck. How can someone be so stupid and nasty. I refused to speak to him or look at him, I see nothing b it a dirty liar and everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like bullshit. I texted him to pack a bag and stay at a hotel for tonight so I can be alone. He's completely ignored me. Read it and didn't reply. He must think I'm joking. He's now walking around the house, avoiding me as if I've upset him. He hasn't even said sorry. That's the least he could have done or said.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/12/2020 13:57

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

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