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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this cheating? Final straw

60 replies

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 12:05

Am prepared to be told I'm being emotional/overreacting but I really don't think I am and I'm just so lost on what to do. DH and I have been having issues ever since we got married 3 months ago. It just seemed to me like he completely stopped trying and made no effort from that day whatsoever. I feel so worthless when he speaks to me, the way he ignored me or rejects me or anything to do with us as husband and wife. We have DD(2) and I'm also currently pregnant. I told him he makes me feel like to him I am the mother of his children and a house wife, nothing more and nothing less. He has nothing to say. There's been so many things that I've not been happy about since he's turned so cold and last week I exploded and let it all out. He said he will start making the effort, etc. But this was after 2 days of him trying to turn it around on me and it being all my fault and he's done nothing wrong. I was a crazy bitch who's exploded out of nowhere according to him and I was making all this shit up. He said he was sick of me moaning as that's all I ever do.... that was the first time I brought up the issues in 3 months..but ok. This morning, I was sat in the kitchen and a notification has popped up on his phone (it was on the kitchen table) from TikTok. Yes, I had a look because I didn't recognise the username it referred to him as. I looked on the account and he created a whole new anonymous account on TikTok for the sole purpose of watching, following and commenting on half naked women's videos. Disgusting. I felt pure rage in my body as I was going through the comments he had posted on these women's videos. It was things like 'consider it enjoyed ;)' or 'I would simp 🥰😍❤️' or just heart eyes, hearts, heart faces, disgusting comments and compliments. I felt my entire world fall apart and I knew this was the last straw and I couldn't take anymore. He never ever compliments me, never ever says anything nice to me like that and the fact that he has done this makes me feel so insecure. I started crying and said 'what the fuck is this' 'what are you doing?' He came into the kitchen and immediately snatched his phone off me and went into complete defence mode. He said it was my fault, 'here we go again, constantly fucking moaning about everything I do' 'fucking hell, you're acting like I've cheated on you' and I said to him that to me this is cheating. He said it's not and that that's what social media is for. In his eyes he's done nothing wrong and I was the one in the wrong starting this argument in the first place. I had a good long think about it and I sat him down and said that I don't want this marriage to continue. I'm so broken. I feel so sorry for our children, they do not deserve this. I've been a wreck and he's done nothing. I asked him to delete the account twice now, he still hasn't. He disagrees when I say that it's disrespectful. I feel lost for words but now it all makes sense as to why he's been so strange, cold and distant. What have I done with my life? I should have never married him.

OP posts:
DBML · 30/12/2020 14:27

Op, it’s not you or anything you’ve done. This is just who he is. He managed to hide that for a while, but now you are seeing his true colours.
It’s sad that you didn’t know before, so you could make an honest decision about marrying him, but you know now. And we can’t change people.

If you weren’t already married, would you say yes to marrying him today? Think about that question and you have your answer.

HeyDW96 · 30/12/2020 15:04

Go with your gut, a lot of people may see this an an over reaction but from experience, behaviour like that probably isn't isolated and he's probably a dick. I had a gut feeling for a long time that my ex was cheating, couldn't find any evidence of it. I eventually found similar behaviour and it opened up a massive Pandora's box of things he had been up to. Get rid before you have to live your life with someone who doesn't have any empathy or understanding of how his actions make people feel. People like that will also try and turn it round on you so be prepared for that.

RosaBaby2 · 30/12/2020 15:18

Be strong. You're obviously unhappy in this relationship, don't let him apologise and suck up to you. Stick to your guns, get your ducks in a row and start a new life. Good luck Flowers

BlueThistles · 30/12/2020 15:33

Don't accept his putting you down.. gas lighting you.. undermining you... he's a seedy creep and you've caught him out...

You can survive without him OP 🌺

Unsure33 · 30/12/2020 15:41

You need to find a solicitor that specialises in family law. Gather your questions and information before you go for your free half hour . At least then you will have the power of the truth about what your options are going forward .

What happens after that is up to you .

annabellacomestotea · 30/12/2020 15:58

You aren't being unreasonable. Ignoring the woman in front of him who is carrying his child to comment on photos of strange women online? Unacceptable.

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 16:03

I do feel a little bit better, I managed to stop crying, I think I'm all cried out but I feel so sad and angry at the same time. But I also know that this will be the best thing for us and our children. I think the sooner it's done the better. I really cannot thank you all enough for your kind words on this post, it is the highlight of my day today.

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 30/12/2020 16:44

If he tries to make you feel stupid for wanting a divorce, or that you haven't got a good reason to want one, just tell him you don't love him or even like him any more. He can't really argue with that.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 30/12/2020 17:20

You can't stay with this man - completely foul.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2020 19:18

This was clearly the final straw. He sounds quite immature.

Gncq · 30/12/2020 19:27

He's openly telling semi naked women on Tic Tic that he's wanked over them while being absolutely horrid to his wife.

He's a pathetic wanker and nasty on top. Likely a vile misogynist too. Get well away from this piece of shit.

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 19:52

Yes - it is the lack of respect for his own wife that hurts the most. The fact that he doesn't see how hurtful it is for me to feel insecure about myself every day because he 'doesn't do compliments, etc.' yet he's more than capable of giving them out to other women that are complete strangers in TikTok? We talked tonight and he was just talking out his arse. It was all a lie after lie, like a web of lies. About how he didn't know what a 'heart emoji' meant. Right Hmm and a bunch of other shit. But the thing that hurt the most out of everything that's gone on was him not even fighting one bit to make this marriage work and make an effort to make me happy. What a mug I've been. But onwards and upwards I guess, aye 🤷‍♀️ I feel better after the talk, I think it's opened my eyes more

OP posts:
rastapasta · 30/12/2020 19:54

Also the subject of abortion came up. How ridiculous. He has the audacity to say to me 'do you really think it's a good idea to bring another child into a divorced relationship' . Well, he should have thought of that before he got me pregnant when he was doing shit behind my back. No way am I giving up a child I'm carrying because of his dumb mistakes and lack of love and respect for me.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 30/12/2020 20:02

What have I done with my life? I should have never married him

So unmarry him. We all make mistakes. The art is in recognising yourself as an amazing individual, and taking steps every day to improve your situation, rather than getting bogged down with self criticism.

He's an arse, and you've been decent above and beyond your calling to accept him until now. You owe him nothing, and yourself everything. Respect yourself, regardless of whether he does or not. Leave. Build your life to where you want it to be. Speak to a solicitor. Speak to Women's Aid. Accept help. Be proud that you posted here.

SouthDownsLass · 30/12/2020 20:09

Sorry to hear this OP.

As another poster said, this won't be the only thing he's been up to. It's just the only thing you've found.

And even apart from that, he's treating you like shit. Be strong, you'll have a better life in the future.

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 20:17

Thank you! I feel somewhat relieved. I've got a long way to go yet but I feel like step 1 was easily achieved today. I've accepted what's going on and refused to continue letting myself be treated this way.

OP posts:
hocuspocus1922 · 30/12/2020 23:05

Leave him
Op ! You will get what you deserve and that is somone who loves you ! What a complete slime ball of a man I would kick him out tonight !

hocuspocus1922 · 30/12/2020 23:06

More I'm reading op it's emotional abuse !

Vitaminsss · 30/12/2020 23:08

You sound really strong, it takes some people years to pluck up the courage and leave - meanwhile you didn’t even hesitate.

It does sound like a thoroughly shitty marriage. 3 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon phase and obsessed with each other. It’s only going to get worse from here if you stay.

Vitaminsss · 30/12/2020 23:10

Also I would highly recommend recording him. I know it’s a bit underhand, but what he said to you earlier about are you crying etc is manipulative and emotionally abusive. He’s trying to get a reaction out of you

Vitaminsss · 30/12/2020 23:11

It’s like you married someone that despises you

borntohula · 30/12/2020 23:17

I think you've been strong to tell him it's over tbh instead of wasting anymore time with him. Seriously, good for you. Flowers

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/12/2020 23:19

he was in the kitchen and he said to me 'are you seriously still crying about it' 'what are you crying about now then' 'why are you crying' 'do you want a hug

I think you did incredibly well not to introduce his head to a frying pan at that point.

As for that's what social media is for, maybe for a 15 year old boy.... Sorry did I marry a fucking rhesus monkey or a grown man??

The man is a fucking Imbacile and the relationship makes you miserable, definitely cut your losses.

Redflaggs · 30/12/2020 23:30

@rastapasta my ex did this. Said he understood my hurt and then expected me to stop hurting. Tried a lot to try blaming me. Told me that I was ruining out family.

I said ' sweetie you would of gone if you were in my position, if you had to deal with any of the shit I had too'
And he new it.

I thought his family were there for me too, well I saw his mothers message calling me savage and saying he was under so much pressure lol 😂

Start of jan I went NC, because he wasn't going to actually work on the relationship, if he hadn't booked therapy then he still doesn't see it as an issue.

To him you are strapped and stuck and it's harder for you to leave and he knows it.

That doesn't mean you should, I wouldn't be surprised if there was other stuff.

Good luck you can do it!!!

Improvementsunderway · 30/12/2020 23:41

Babe, I'm so sorry, he is a t*at. You have nothing to double guess yourself. Sometimes we make mistakes and he was one. Your life would be beautiful and free without the dead weight. Dont second guess urself so much xxx

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