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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this cheating? Final straw

60 replies

rastapasta · 30/12/2020 12:05

Am prepared to be told I'm being emotional/overreacting but I really don't think I am and I'm just so lost on what to do. DH and I have been having issues ever since we got married 3 months ago. It just seemed to me like he completely stopped trying and made no effort from that day whatsoever. I feel so worthless when he speaks to me, the way he ignored me or rejects me or anything to do with us as husband and wife. We have DD(2) and I'm also currently pregnant. I told him he makes me feel like to him I am the mother of his children and a house wife, nothing more and nothing less. He has nothing to say. There's been so many things that I've not been happy about since he's turned so cold and last week I exploded and let it all out. He said he will start making the effort, etc. But this was after 2 days of him trying to turn it around on me and it being all my fault and he's done nothing wrong. I was a crazy bitch who's exploded out of nowhere according to him and I was making all this shit up. He said he was sick of me moaning as that's all I ever do.... that was the first time I brought up the issues in 3 months..but ok. This morning, I was sat in the kitchen and a notification has popped up on his phone (it was on the kitchen table) from TikTok. Yes, I had a look because I didn't recognise the username it referred to him as. I looked on the account and he created a whole new anonymous account on TikTok for the sole purpose of watching, following and commenting on half naked women's videos. Disgusting. I felt pure rage in my body as I was going through the comments he had posted on these women's videos. It was things like 'consider it enjoyed ;)' or 'I would simp 🥰😍❤️' or just heart eyes, hearts, heart faces, disgusting comments and compliments. I felt my entire world fall apart and I knew this was the last straw and I couldn't take anymore. He never ever compliments me, never ever says anything nice to me like that and the fact that he has done this makes me feel so insecure. I started crying and said 'what the fuck is this' 'what are you doing?' He came into the kitchen and immediately snatched his phone off me and went into complete defence mode. He said it was my fault, 'here we go again, constantly fucking moaning about everything I do' 'fucking hell, you're acting like I've cheated on you' and I said to him that to me this is cheating. He said it's not and that that's what social media is for. In his eyes he's done nothing wrong and I was the one in the wrong starting this argument in the first place. I had a good long think about it and I sat him down and said that I don't want this marriage to continue. I'm so broken. I feel so sorry for our children, they do not deserve this. I've been a wreck and he's done nothing. I asked him to delete the account twice now, he still hasn't. He disagrees when I say that it's disrespectful. I feel lost for words but now it all makes sense as to why he's been so strange, cold and distant. What have I done with my life? I should have never married him.

OP posts:
Pippa234 · 30/12/2020 23:47

He sounds disgusting, you deserve more.
I wouldnt put up with that personally it's gross.

MsDogLady · 31/12/2020 01:36

OP, your H is cold, disdainful, mocking, and highly manipulative. In short, he is treating you with utter contempt.

If you dare to set boundaries and refuse to tolerate his disrespectful behavior, he quickly shifts the blame to you and accuses you of moaning. He dismisses your feelings and never accepts responsibility for his cruel or unethical actions.

He set up this anonymous account to objectify, drool and perv over these women with his disgusting comments. What a betrayal. In my marriage that would be cheating. This is likely the tip of the iceberg, OP.

A life with this man would diminish you beyond recognition. Plus, this is clearly a toxic relationship model to expose your children to.

user1471565182 · 31/12/2020 03:28

If its cheating or not is irrelevant with this and his other behaviour. TBH a grown man on TikTok would be enough for me.

Abi86 · 31/12/2020 03:43

"He has the audacity to say to me 'do you really think it's a good idea to bring another child into a divorced relationship'"

Response - "yes, because you’ll be paying maintenance for the next 18 years". I tell you, he’ll hate that thought particularly if he thinks "his" money gives you the freedom of getting on with your life and still be a good and successful mother.

OldAndWornOut · 31/12/2020 03:46

He's probably working out a strategy to get around this, if he can.

He will probably start to turn the blame onto you, somehow.

VeganCow · 31/12/2020 09:15

You know what, if you get rid of this vile man, you will be perfectly fine. You won't be alone because you will always have your children with you and the 3 of you won't have the baggage of him weighing you all down.

The relief when he has gone will be immense. It won't be easy, am not saying that (have brought up my 2 by myself when their father left so I can speak from experience) but I can tell you that the physical hard work of day to day life as a single parent, I would still take that any day over the emotional stress you are going through with this absolute waster. He will NEVER change, but you can change how you react to him.

CrimsonCattery · 31/12/2020 09:29

You won't be able to divorce until you have been married a year but you can sort a legal separation. Untangle any joint finances, stop cooking for him and washing his clothes. Sleep apart.

If you have no money, you can then claim benefits as a single adult. Save up a small pot if possible.

Make sure you have copies of important documents and an overview of any assets, accounts and his earnings/pension. This means you can get started on working out a fair divorce settlement taking into account the short marriage and the children. Factors will include housing, maintenence and child residency/contact. Yoy can get this agreed beforehand then start the legal process once a year is up.

Good luck. Flowers

MiddlesexGirl · 31/12/2020 09:32

www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Have a look at these pages. Free downloads. There's also advice on dealing with children on divorce and separation.

ElGuardiandenoche · 31/12/2020 14:59

@rastapasta what’s the housing situation? Are you in rented or mortgaged? Whose name is it in?

Another good source of information and support is Wikivorce

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Wikivorce-Customer-Reviews.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrof6or347QIVjZntCh15Nw0pEAAYASAAEgKdavD_BwE

bumhead · 31/12/2020 16:17

What a creep he is. I guarantee the women he commented on will all be creeped out by him "consider it enjoyed"? Hmm

Look at www.entitledto.co.uk and get a free 30 minute solicitors appointment on Monday when things are open again.
You will be so much better off without this pathetic letch in your life.

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