How to have difficult conversation about inheritance?

[Quickncjust4this]

My grandparent passed away in 2019 , we were very close. They left a slightly complicated will which left some smallish sums to my cousin's, the house to my mother and the remaining money and belongings to be split between my mother and I.
My mother's sibling died a few years ago, so she has been the sole executor.
She's been really dragging her feet. It took 6 weeks to hold the funeral because my parents didn't want to reschedule their booked holiday (the wait for the funeral I found very difficult). After that It got to the point that I had to intervene to get my grandparents ashes interred 8 months after they passed away.
My sibling wasn't left anything in the will, but my grandparent noted that they wished my sibling to be permitted to live in the house. For context my sibling has had a very troubled adulthood,they do not own their home and are single parent to two children - lots of issues with alcohol and social services have been much involved. My grandparent felt this was the best way to help. My sibling doesn't want to live in the house.
My mother went quickly into the house and cleaned out what might be useful for my sibling - without consulting me despite half of the belongings being owed to me.
Probate was granted about 7 months ago.
It's now 18 months since my grandparents passing and I'm still waiting for my inheritance. My cousin's have received theirs with a top up, sibling has been given a considerable sum despite not being named in the will.
My mum keeps talking about all the work that needs to be done to sort the house and what it's costing in insurance , maintenance etc and how this needs deducting from what's left to split between us.
The house is nothing to do with me, it's been left to my mother.
I don't have a good relationship with my parents and only see them a couple of times a year. I'm finding this all very stressful. It's not that the money is life-changing, my grandparent was not well off its just the fact that this was what my grandparent wanted me to have , I need the closure.
My mum is not a nice person and asking for an update will result in a row. I don't really know if I care at this point, it's gone on so long. But any advice on how to handle this? I know I need to have the conversation , just not sure how.

Sorry that was very long

Was there any solicitor involvement in the will? Who had it in their possession?

I think you need to appoint a solicitor to help you. The granting of probate should have seen you receive your inheritance and something smells off to me

Get a solicitor on this asap.

Yes there has been a solicitor involved. The will was prepared by a solicitor, my grandparent gave a copy to me when it was made (I've checked the probate record to ensure it wasn't changed). My mother used a solicitor to help with the probate application (eventually).
My mother also told me she was having a deed of variance prepared so that my sibling could be included (this frustrated me a lot, as my sibling and parents knew the contents of will for ma be t years and also knew that they no intention of living in the house - so effectively now they've increased my mother's inheritance as she'll be selling the house instead of being landlord to my sibling)
I've considered engaging a solicitor myself but it feels a little aggressive. I think I need a conversation first.

I know not all the belongings have been dealt with yet, there is still a car to he sold and much of the house to clear. I've offered help with this but that's been declined. As I inherit half of the belongings (after the gifts to my cousin's) I know I have to wait got them to be dealt with but i feel it's taking much longer than it should

I really think you need to get solicitor advice ASAP because your mother is running around doing various things that she shouldn’t be by the sounds of it. You’ve already said how difficult a relationship you have with your mother, I’m not sure what a conversation with her would achieve especially without knowing your legal rights.

I'd have thought that the upkeep of the house - which she now owns - is down to your mother.

I see your point fingers. It seems sensible to make sure I know exactly where I stand even if just to step into the conversation informed.
Eurgh, the whole thing is just miserable.

Katy that's my thought too. The house is hers so it seems all upkeep and insurance should be too.

OP

You need a solicitor asap.

Can you contact the solicitor that wrote the will for an update.

You have to make a clear choice.
Accept that your mother is treating you badly not following your grandmother's wishes and possibly diddling you out of money.

Or ...

You engage a solicitor and stand up for yourself.

Agree with pps.
There will be nothing left by the time your mother has used up assets in dealing with things related to the house.
You should be given your half of the physical monies. She can sort her own dealings out of hers.

Just to add be very careful, the longer you leave it the chances are there won’t be any belongings left. There may be some sentimental items you really would like to keep that your mother decides to get rid of. Surely you should be involved in sorting through the house if you have been left half of the belongings in the will?
I know it’s miserable and you are grieving the loss of your grandparents but just remember they wanted you to have these things. Please book to see a solicitor this week if you can.

I think you need a frank conversation with your mother where you say “DM, I just wanted to clear up what you thought was happening with my share of DGM’s will and her house. Last time we spoke you mentioned deductions for house upkeep and I’m not sure that’s correct, is it? Because the house wasn’t left to me, just to you. Now that probate is granted, shall we sort out my part in it and then you’ll be free to do whatever you need to do with the house.”

@Spied

Agree with pps. There will be nothing left by the time your mother has used up assets in dealing with things related to the house. You should be given your half of the physical monies. She can sort her own dealings out of hers.

This. Dragging your feet IS a decision. You are deciding you mumgets the money.

Basically - make her pay you now. If she won’t, go back to the solicitor to “clarify”. You can offer to do this with her or without her, whichever she chooses...

Ask your mum to view the estate accounts. She shouldn't be giving money out to others, but not to you.

As you said, you haven't inherited the house so shouldn't need to wait until it's sold to get your inheritance.

As she's inherited the house solely, the bills should now be hers, as you've said.

Can you arrange to go there to choose some things to remember your grandma by?

She's not a nice person, and she is lazy so I expected her to drag her feet and huff and puff about the effort involved but it's still difficult to admit that it really does seem that she is intent on stealing from me. She's already been outspoken about my sibling being 'left out' of the will (which genuinely was not my grandparents intent, they wanted to provide a home for my sibling without giving them an asset to squander).
I've spent my whole adult life walking on egg shells to keep the peace , I bit my tongue my mum got nasty about me stepping in and pushing for the internment. It's a hard habit to break but I know that I am going to have to speak up now.
I've considered just letting it go, it's not huge sums and life is about more than money. But then I'd have to give up the relationship anyway I think, how could we go on exchanging pleasantries knowing they'd stolen thousands of pounds from me?
I will book in with a solicitor, find our what options I have and go from there.
I assume if I was to go to the solicitor who handled the probate and my mum still has then engaged then they would have to let her know I was enquiring?

You are going to have to decide if this is worth fighting and to what degree. If you want to fight it, you need your own solicitor. You could challenge the whole thing in court or just make a bit of a stand. The solicitor can go over the pros and cons and costs of each approach.

If it were me, I’d probably offer a settlement amount to just be done with the whole thing. The value of personal belongings is not going to be large, so I’d let that go or massively low-ball it and just ask for your cash payment now to be done with the whole thing.

I have been back to the house. I chased months ago as there were some sentimental bits I wanted. I said I think we have to divide belongings up (I knew we did, I was trying to be gentle) I asked if she can meet me there so we can go through things like jewellery. She did agree, but she had to bring the jewellery back from her house where she had taken it.... She had already removed everything she wanted. Her view is she is their daughter she could pick what she wanted first. None of it was worth anything just costume jewellery but much of it I remember fondly.
She's very bitter that I was left more than the other 3 grandchildren however I was the only grandchild that was close and visited often. It was me that was with my grandparent when they passed away, my mum wouldnt take the time off to sit with them in the hospice.

I'd recommend that you find your own solicitor, who represents you alone and not the executor. Much will depend on the wording of the Will and whether the beneficiary was given a right to occupy a particular property or a life interest. Whether the costs of dealing with the house come from the house proceeds or the residuary estate also needs to be checked. Second the suggestion that you/your solicitor ask to see the estate accounts.

You are being stolen from. As others have said, engage your own solicitor. The sooner you confront it firmly and with legal support the quicker it will be resolved. Don't delay any further.

Your mother sounds awful, you have nothing to lose by challenging her, she is playing mind games with you.

Do you want any of the belongings that remain, OP?

If so, set a date with your mum to take what you want, then tell her anything else can be sold, but you would like the money currently owed to you settled, and can have anything else paid out when the house is finally cleared.

Then if there’s nothing in the second payment, at least you have closure and aren’t bring shafted by paying bills on the house.

A deed of variation has to be agreed by any beneficiaries that are left worse off - so your mum can't give away any of your share to your sibling without your agreement, although it sounds like she's done it anyway.

She said she was doing the deed of variation with the solicitor, but I've had no contact with the solicitor so maybe she's told them that's coming from her share?
I have everything except a book that my grandmother asked me when I was little to take care of when she died. My parents said they found it a couple of months ago but I've not received it yet. Ive checked it didn't have any considerable value (about £30 on eBay).
The whole thing makes me feel sick. I loved my grandparents very much and I just hate that this is what's happening to what they have left.
I'm going to book with a solicitor.
I'm considering sending a message to my mum in the mean time to say I have an appointment next week with a financial planner and would appreciate if she could let me know a rough total of my inheritance? She won't know that I knew what they had in their accounts so it'll give me the best indication of whether she is just being really slow and awkward or is actually planning to steal from what was intended for me...