How to have difficult conversation about inheritance?

[Quickncjust4this]

My grandparent passed away in 2019 , we were very close. They left a slightly complicated will which left some smallish sums to my cousin's, the house to my mother and the remaining money and belongings to be split between my mother and I.
My mother's sibling died a few years ago, so she has been the sole executor.
She's been really dragging her feet. It took 6 weeks to hold the funeral because my parents didn't want to reschedule their booked holiday (the wait for the funeral I found very difficult). After that It got to the point that I had to intervene to get my grandparents ashes interred 8 months after they passed away.
My sibling wasn't left anything in the will, but my grandparent noted that they wished my sibling to be permitted to live in the house. For context my sibling has had a very troubled adulthood,they do not own their home and are single parent to two children - lots of issues with alcohol and social services have been much involved. My grandparent felt this was the best way to help. My sibling doesn't want to live in the house.
My mother went quickly into the house and cleaned out what might be useful for my sibling - without consulting me despite half of the belongings being owed to me.
Probate was granted about 7 months ago.
It's now 18 months since my grandparents passing and I'm still waiting for my inheritance. My cousin's have received theirs with a top up, sibling has been given a considerable sum despite not being named in the will.
My mum keeps talking about all the work that needs to be done to sort the house and what it's costing in insurance , maintenance etc and how this needs deducting from what's left to split between us.
The house is nothing to do with me, it's been left to my mother.
I don't have a good relationship with my parents and only see them a couple of times a year. I'm finding this all very stressful. It's not that the money is life-changing, my grandparent was not well off its just the fact that this was what my grandparent wanted me to have , I need the closure.
My mum is not a nice person and asking for an update will result in a row. I don't really know if I care at this point, it's gone on so long. But any advice on how to handle this? I know I need to have the conversation , just not sure how.

Your mum can only create a deed of variation using assets that from her own inheritance. She can't use this mechanism to redistribute your inheritance to whomsoever she prefers.

My cousin's have received theirs with a top up, sibling has been given a considerable sum despite not being named in the will.

Given that the house hasn't been sold, where is all this extra money coming from? Your inheritance I'd guess.

My mum keeps talking about all the work that needs to be done to sort the house and what it's costing in insurance , maintenance etc and how this needs deducting from what's left to split between us.

She's lying and you know that. Your mum is trying to steal from you. I cant sèe your relationship surviving whether you take legal action or not.

I would strongly recommend that you take legal steps. If you don't it will rub you the wrong way forever. Put it like this - your mum is trying to rip you off. If you let her steal from you it won't reduce your hurt whereas if you stop her you will at least know you carried out your much loved granparent's wishes.

I would also strongly advise you to see a solicitor about your concerns that things are not being done as per the will.

As far as I know no one should get their inheritance until you all do ?

And the deed of variance should come from your mothers share ? It’s complicated because how do you measure your sibling being allowed to live in the house in a financial sense ? If they decide to forgo that privilege then I would have thought all parties would have to know about the variance.

Not an easy one but hopefully one letter from your solicitor to the solicitor dealing with it should sort things .

Did you not get any letter from the solicitor at all confirming your share ?

It all seems very odd.

I've had nothing at all from the solicitor. My sibling living in the house is expressed as a wish in the will.
There are gifts to both cousin's stated in the will, and the house is left to my mum. Everything else is to be put in trust to be divided between my mother and I - money and belongings (I've checked into this already, it should be anything that isn't a fixture of the house)
My mum didn't even tell me what was left to me, I had to make sure she knew I had a copy after I'd confirmed once probate was done that I had an up to date copy.

Prawn this is the conclusion I've come to I think. The damage is done, it's either done with my inheritance in my bank or my mother's.

The worst is that I can hear the conversation that they'll have between them when I start to address it - that I already have a comfortable life, that it's not fair that I get something more than my sibling (despite the fact that by not telling my grandparent that my sibling had no intention of living in the house my mum had effectively increased her own inheritance as well as giving to my sibling) , and that I'm being awful and grabby. I know that none of that is true and that I cannot control how they choose to respond but somehow when it comes to my parents I still find it difficult to not find it all so hurtful and feel that I'm in the wrong

Anyone else get the feeling the mother is deliberately trying to ensure the OP doesn't receive a penny out of the spite and the remaining money has been given to sister and the cousins?

My mum has always had a chip on her shoulder that she felt both sets of grandparents favoured me.
She (wrongly) felt her older sibling (who has now passed) was always favoured. That really wasn't the case. My grandparents did so much for my parents when we were growing up. My mum worked really hard (still does) to ensure that my younger sibling doesn't feel overlooked - to the extent that my mother and I have had very little relationship. My grandparents more than made up for it, especially in adulthood and that only increased my mum's view that I was being favoured.
I was never going to be able to win.
I've maintained a polite relationship with my parents through adulthood but it's only been my me biting my tongue and the effort has all been my side

I doesn't sound as if the extra attention your sibling has had from your parents has done her much good in life, OP.

Prawn this is the conclusion I've come to I think. The damage is done, it's either done with my inheritance in my bank or my mother's.

I see it differently. Your DM may have used proceeds that were not hers to use. She will have to rectify this. How she does this is none of your concern (she has an additional property she can borrow against or generate rent from).

A solicitor will turn this around with a letter instantly. You have nothing further to do.

Scribblingpixie it certainly hasn't. They are an unpleasant person, very much like my mum. They went NC with me for a couple of years ago after I refused to keep lending her money. She had thousands from me over the years - none repaid.
At least it's been easy to never feel jealous :) I've got a wonderful life and I had a brilliant relationship with my grandparents. I feel they've missed out rather than me.
Sslou I hope that this is that easy for a solicitor sort :)

Sslou I hope that this is that easy for a solicitor sort

It is. They apply to process of the law. No further emotion or thinking required by you. Just press the button. They have to answer to the solicitor / law not you. If they harass or blow up at you - pass that further level of intimidation onto your solicitor to address.

They are not above the law.

They are not above your GP wishes.

Wishing you strength. Be brave. Can’t have courage without fear.

You deserve this moral victory / boundary - for once - it will make you feel proud.

Expect their ranting, raving and histrionics - that’s how they have kept you subjugated all your life. Just emotionally protect yourself and weather it - if they step out of line report for harassment.

Thank you sslou I truly truly appreciate it. My husband has just said much the same. He said at 40 years old it is time I understand my worth and saw myself worthy of fighting for.

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted. I still feel very anxious about what lies ahead but I feel confident that this has to be done. I can't control their reaction, or see their choices as a reflection on me. I will stay polite and dignified but I will ensure things are done properly.

You've got this, OP.

Think of it as ensuring your grandparents wishes are completed. They would be angry and devastated to think that you were being treated like this.

Honour their memory.

OP, yes, just keep going, be confident that you are doing the right things, be brave when you need to, and at the end of this experience you will be able to feel really proud of yourself, as the granddaughter who did the best she could for her wonderful grandparents. It's so tough going through this alongside the grief, but it is the best path for you.

@Quickncjust4this

Kursaalflyer I think you are totally right that she is out of her depth. She's also got my dad in her ear who was sole beneficiary of his parents estate who thinks things should be working the same way. I've just seen a Facebook photo that shows my sibling is at my grandparents house with my parents , not for the first time since they passed. It's been amazing how everyone has suddenly found the time to get there now there is no one there to visit... My sibling and cousins hadn't been to the house in over a decade. It's so sad :( I really don't want to get into a battle about money but I also don't want to see my inheritance go to such grotty people

Who doesn’t visit their grandparents for over a decade? Even if you live in a different country surely you’d make the effort. I’m so sorry for the situation that you are in, it would seem that the legal route is your only solution

Hi OP, popsydoodle4444 is completely right. Your mother is doing everything she can to ensure you don’t get your inheritance. If it was me I would be doing everything I could to fulfill my grandparents wishes. Your mother could be resenting the relationship you had with them. Fight for what is yours, you won’t miss a relationship that was non existent anyway but you will years later regret not having fought for what was yours. You can do this x

I would also add you're not fighting over money - it's your grandparents desire for you to benefit from them. It was their money/stuff and it's theirs to give away not your mums.

Families are difficult when it comes to this at the best of times, but, it's not your doing, you didn't write the will.

Deff get to a solicitor, hopefully a sternly worded letter will be enough. Your parents are being unreasonable.