How to have difficult conversation about inheritance?

[Quickncjust4this]

My grandparent passed away in 2019 , we were very close. They left a slightly complicated will which left some smallish sums to my cousin's, the house to my mother and the remaining money and belongings to be split between my mother and I.
My mother's sibling died a few years ago, so she has been the sole executor.
She's been really dragging her feet. It took 6 weeks to hold the funeral because my parents didn't want to reschedule their booked holiday (the wait for the funeral I found very difficult). After that It got to the point that I had to intervene to get my grandparents ashes interred 8 months after they passed away.
My sibling wasn't left anything in the will, but my grandparent noted that they wished my sibling to be permitted to live in the house. For context my sibling has had a very troubled adulthood,they do not own their home and are single parent to two children - lots of issues with alcohol and social services have been much involved. My grandparent felt this was the best way to help. My sibling doesn't want to live in the house.
My mother went quickly into the house and cleaned out what might be useful for my sibling - without consulting me despite half of the belongings being owed to me.
Probate was granted about 7 months ago.
It's now 18 months since my grandparents passing and I'm still waiting for my inheritance. My cousin's have received theirs with a top up, sibling has been given a considerable sum despite not being named in the will.
My mum keeps talking about all the work that needs to be done to sort the house and what it's costing in insurance , maintenance etc and how this needs deducting from what's left to split between us.
The house is nothing to do with me, it's been left to my mother.
I don't have a good relationship with my parents and only see them a couple of times a year. I'm finding this all very stressful. It's not that the money is life-changing, my grandparent was not well off its just the fact that this was what my grandparent wanted me to have , I need the closure.
My mum is not a nice person and asking for an update will result in a row. I don't really know if I care at this point, it's gone on so long. But any advice on how to handle this? I know I need to have the conversation , just not sure how.

I think you'd eventually feel better if you pushed it and lost the relationship tbh. Sounds like it's worth losing to feel you had closure and weren't ripped off by an unpleasant woman.

I think you are right yoni. I can't feel worse. It plays on my mind more and more.
I've always been the peacekeeper but what is the point if it is only ever hurting me

I have been through something not dissimilar, OP, and I pushed for things to be done the right way - insisted actually - after initially keeping quiet. It gives me a lot of peace of mind that I did the right thing by my relative and the relationship with the other beneficiary would have been busted either way so no loss there at the end of the day.

I'm so sorry you had that experience scribblingpixie. I think you are absolutely right that the relationship is busted either way. I've come to the conclusion that this can happen with me as a victim or me with my head high. I think I'm going with the head high.
If my mother wants a relationship with me and my family going forward then it is going to have to be up to her to improve her behaviour

Thank you - it's still a bit painful but if I'd let things go I would be tormented by regret now. The will is a direct message from your grandparent to you so don't be scared to insist that others respect it. Good luck!

I think using the financial adviser as an excuse to find out the state of affairs is very good, and push that as far as you can. It certainly seems your mum is trying to diddle you out of your rightful share, and I also suspect she's done exactly what she wants and hasn't done a deed of variance (or whatever you do with it) since you had no contact with her solicitor. Maybe they don't? Who knows?

If you have the keys for the house is it worth going round and taking sentimental items? It sounds like the relationship with your mum is very fragile and she isn't particularly worried about that. But you have done nothing wrong, you've stood by your grandparents, and you're right to hold your mum to account.

I'm also going through similar with a sibling tbh. It's a life-changing amount and them dragging their feet is costing me £1000s, potentially 10s of 1000s.. when I point this out to them it's ignored .. I haven't gone down the legal route yet, as I think they'll use that as an excuse to make things take even longer. Treading on eggshells it is, I just try to keep it to the point. It's draining. Best to set a aside a time once a week to deal with it so it doesn't become overwhelming.

OP, I didn't challenge things (similar situation with a much loved elderly Aunt that never married or had children of her own) and I stood by, in silent horror as my DM steamrollered her way into her will and did what she wanted.

Like you, I've always been the peacekeeper in a really toxic, bitter dynamic but I'm tired of it now. Tired of the lies and manipulation. I'll forever feel guilt and sadness that I didn't push for my Aunt's wishes to be fulfilled. Don't make my mistakes OP.

As othes have said ask a solicitor to advise where you stand (a different one from your grandparents'). You can take with you a copy of the will and any other documents that are relevant. Your mother as sole executor has obligations as a trustee of your grandparents' estate. She cannot just give money away before her inheritance has been separated from yours. If she does give money away it must come from her own share, not yours as well. As for the cost of keeping the house on - insurance etc. that must be from her share as the house itself was inherited by her. It is not your responsibility. Also she needs to get on with paying you your share, and giving you the items you inherited. There seems no valid reason why she is delaying this if probate has been granted. As someone who was in a similar situation after my mother died, I know how distressing this can be, particularly if things you were left "go missing", as happened to me. Good luck OP. She sounds a nightmare. You will feel freer when it is all over and settled finally.

Well I asked her for an update on what money is there And when she thinks thinks will be all finalised as I'm prepping to meet a financial advisor next week.
I got a call back from my dad that saying that my mum is now really upset. He said they will sort it out when they are good and ready and have the time to do and that what I do and I don't get is up to them.
I explained calmly that this is not the case, my grandparent left an inheritance to me and that it is my mum's responsibility as executor to ensure the estate is distributed per the will. I said that if they are struggling to find time for it all that I'm happy to help with anything that needs doing but that I would like to get things wrapped up asap so I can put it behind me.
He put the phone down.
I've since had a message from my mum to say that I'm being selfish and that I've no consideration for the fact she lost her dad.
I don't even know where to go from here. I'm 40 years old and I've seen my parents bother with my grandparents no more than twice a year since since they stopped needing them to babysit us ( which they did a lot, we spent every weekend there). It was my husband and I that did everything for my grandparents -very willingly I might add, they were wonderful.
I guess that just shows I'm going to need a solicitor :(

Oh, I’m so sorry, OP.

I would write a calm factual email or letter, stating that I just want to understand your current position in regard to the will - that your understanding is that as you were a beneficiary of your grandmother’s money & possessions 50-50 with your mother, that could be sorted out now, and then your mother is free to do what she wishes with the house. So you’d like to see the estate accounts and set a date to have this happen, as there should not need to be any further delay.

When they respond negatively, then I suppose it is solicitor time.

A nice spot of emotional blackmail from your parents there. You expected it, and they've reacted true to form. I think you have your answer now, very sadly. They have sacrificed your relationship with them by being so dismissive of you and your rights, and also shown that they have little consideration for your mum's parents. They seem very self centred and intent on doing whatever the hell they want, and when questioned pull the grieving daughter card.

Acknowledge their grief, say you share it, keep moving forward, OP. Keep stressing that you want to respect your grandparent's wishes and follow the terms of their will. Sadly, you will need to see a solicitor sooner rather than later as it is down to you as beneficiary to challenge your mother's actions as executor. I'm really sorry. It's horrible when family turn out to be selfish, money-grabbing so and sos. :(

My grandmother left a very simple will leaving everything to my mum apart from some modest bequests to us, the grandchildren.

It took two years to get the bequests, and that was with constant support, gentle nagging and endless practical intervention.

Some people either can't or won't engage with legal process and think somehow emotions come first. It is infuriating to the point of self medication.

I think your parents selfishness is clear.

Great advice above.

Time now to instruct a solicitor so that your grandparents wishes can be followed.

DH is in similar situation. He appointed a solicitor to look after his interests and it was very interesting what they uncovered which had been done to deny or deprive him what had been left to him. It's a horrible thing to have to do but at least he knows the Will of his DM has now been carried out as intended. He won't ever have a relationship with his sibling who caused the issues but then he wouldn't want to know someone who could do that anyway.

You need your own lawyer on this. It will be money well spent.

Thank you all. I will definitely take some legal advice. I'm a bit back and forth on how far to push it at the moment. One side of me is furious and very hurt and the other part of me wonders if I really want to go into all out battle over money. The relationship is damaged already, it was fragile to begin with so I imagine if I don't do anything now it'll just slide further and further until we don't bother with each other at all.
But if I go after what's mine it'll be stressful and emotional. I know my grandparents would want me to have what they've left me, and would be utterly furious but I just need to decide if its with the emotional cost to me. My husband is amazing but I feel very alone these days now all my grandparents have gone.
I will take legal advice and read through all of your comments again, I appreciate them very much you've all been a huge support x

Good for you. Don’t be a pushover and fight your mum. Very hard and shocking that you have to but you need to take this stand.

Can a variation of the will be allowed to include someone not on the original? The whole thing sounds horrendous. Definitely get your own solicitor, your dm sounds as if she was out of her depth with her executor duties and has behaved unfairly.

I can't see how a variation (which must be coming from your mums section - she can't unilaterally decide to share your 'bit' would hold up your section.

Your relationship is damaged because your Mother is shady as hell..

Get a Lawyer onto this ASAP ... do not delay 🌺

Kursaalflyer I think you are totally right that she is out of her depth. She's also got my dad in her ear who was sole beneficiary of his parents estate who thinks things should be working the same way.
I've just seen a Facebook photo that shows my sibling is at my grandparents house with my parents , not for the first time since they passed. It's been amazing how everyone has suddenly found the time to get there now there is no one there to visit... My sibling and cousins hadn't been to the house in over a decade.
It's so sad :(
I really don't want to get into a battle about money but I also don't want to see my inheritance go to such grotty people

He said they will sort it out when they are good and ready and have the time to do and that what I do and I don't get is up to them.

This is your worst fears come true. They believe they are entitled to do what they want with the money - they are on the wrong side of the law - they have obligations regarding process and timelines. This is a common situation. Your RS with them was flawed years ago, it is now damaged beyond repair.

But you need legal action ASAP for your own self esteem. Do the right thing for your GP.

You have had the difficult conversation now. All communications from now on will be from your solicitor. They will have to deal with them directly and respond to legal requirements, timelines and consequences set out by law - not by you - so they can’t blame you.