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Relationships

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Original poster

Hubby hates me working

56 replies

CrazyHappyMom · 28/12/2020 22:25

So my partner has always worked (been together 20 years 2 kids aged 10 and 15) I had always been a stay at home mom but decided I wanted to apply for the training for a job in the ambulance service. Anyway I had been there 8 months when the kids went back to school and my hubby had no business to go back to due to Covid. Anyway the last 3 months he has really struggled with me working,he doesn't say it but I feel it,he will make little digs sometimes and he looks really down. I have asked him and he said it's a struggle for him knowing I am in an office environment and I have this whole other life that he needs to get used to. Obviously I would rather be at home but the money is needed now and I feel like I have put a lot into the job,I wish I could make him feel more at ease about the whole situation but I haven't a clue how to.

OP posts:

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 28/12/2020 22:29

It’s not your responsibility to out him at ease,he needs to support you. Celebrate your achievements and praise you,not undermine and moan
Stop trying to please or appease him. He need to be an adult and not act like a truculent toddler

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 28/12/2020 22:29

It’s not your responsibility to put him at ease,he needs to support you. Celebrate your achievements and praise you,not undermine and moan
Stop trying to please or appease him. He need to be an adult and not act like a truculent toddler

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/12/2020 22:30

As you are unmarried it would be silly to not work.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 28/12/2020 22:32

Irrespective of whether married or not,he cannot prevent you working
op has posted he’s her husband, maybe she’ll clarify

ScreamingBeans · 28/12/2020 22:33

Tell him to go to counselling so that he can come to terms with the fact that he isn't working at the moment and he's not being supportive of you.

Porridgeoat · 28/12/2020 22:33

He’s will get used to it. Give him time. A year

Sassysally12 · 28/12/2020 22:34

I’m sure when you were a SAHM there were days you looked really down and tired too, and he continued to work and you got on with it. So will he. Your not doing anything wrong, good on you. He will get used to it, and surely without your income right now he would be a lot
More stressed and down, he will be fine! Xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2020 22:35

It’s not your job to put him at ease. You’re doing the best thing for your family right now, and for yourself. It can’t have been easy starting this job at this time and credit to you for doing so. Are you finding it rewarding?

Is he realising how much you did while you were at home and he was in his job? Is he picking up the slack to support you and your children?

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 28/12/2020 22:43

Tell him to stop it with the digs. You're keeping the household afloat financially and right now, until he finds work of some kind, he needs to do the home stuff and deal with it. He doesn't get to make nasty little remarks at you.

Well done getting the job, hang on to it like all hell. Financial independence is priceless.

Original poster

CrazyHappyMom · 28/12/2020 22:44

We aren't married and have always had a traditional relationship,he has come from man works woman stays at home environment. He has been great and supportive,we completely switched roles in January and he became"mom" when mom was at work. It's just recently,I think he is struggling with not being at work and misses being busy,also when the kids went back to school he seemed to miss them. I am not trying to pacify him,he isn't being horrible or asking me to give up my job he just says it will take time. It is a very rewarding job but also very stressful,I answer emergency calls so it's a massive leap from being a stay at home mom where my brains had gone to mush and I had no confidence in myself. I lost a dear friend to cancer and it made me realise I need to get out in the world and off I went and it's been a rollercoaster since lol. Thanks for everyone's replies,I will take them all on board and have a little ponder 👍

OP posts:

soopedup · 28/12/2020 22:47

That’s controlling and insecure behaviour. He liked it when you were a SAHM because he knew where you were and there was no chance of you being chatted up by another man. This is his insecurity and it is not ok. Stand your ground. You need this job and you deserve to be happy. It’s his job to work on his self esteem not yours.

Weenurse · 28/12/2020 22:48

Congratulations on the job.
My DH has struggled at times with being SAHD, I try to be supportive, but generally just let him get on with it.
Maybe he could volunteer?

soopedup · 28/12/2020 22:49

You say you aren’t married but have a traditional relationship. That’s not true though. Traditional would be married. Sounds like he’s had everything his way. When you weren’t married you had no protection. Is the house in both your names? If you aren’t married then you need to protect yourself

WunWun · 28/12/2020 22:51

Put him at ease at what? About an adult having a job? What is he talking about? Tell him to grow up and get a fucking grip.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 22:53

Given you're not married, I wouldn't leave that job for anything, and certainly not to pacify his fragile ego. Who owns the home? Do you have life insurance? Wills? Your children are older now and there's no reason to be at home all day. Think about your future and your own security.

NotMyDayJob · 28/12/2020 22:56

He can't be that traditional if he hasn't married you

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2020 22:57

If it was traditional you’d be married.

Ohalrightthen · 28/12/2020 23:00

Whatever you do, don't give up that job. Your kids are 10 and 15, they havent needed a SAHP for years, and you have been in an incredibly vulnerable position, unmarried and unemployed, dependent on a man who could fuck off at any minute.

You working has dinged his traditional (misogynistic) way of thinking and hurt his ego - it's fragile toxic masculinity at its finest.

category12 · 28/12/2020 23:01

So he likes having you completely financially dependent on him (yet having no legal status as a wife, so extremely financially vulnerable).

If there are any assets in the relationship, are they in your name as well as his?

Keep your job, build up a pension, have your own financial security. Cos you have none otherwise.

BlairCorneliaWaldorf · 28/12/2020 23:03

It’s sounds like he’s struggling with adapting to not working. This is not uncommon at all with men who have lost their jobs/businesses, whether COVID related or otherwise.

I suspect this is the main reason rather than because you are working, but seeing you go out to work every day will only serve as a reminder that he is not. For men who are used to being the bread winner this can be difficult to handle.

Some really harsh people on here. I suggest you give him some time and empathy and don’t take the advice on here of telling him to get a grip.

coldwaterfeed · 28/12/2020 23:05

Please stay in your job. His jealousy that you have another world now is worrying, he should want you to be fulfilled and happy.

WunWun · 28/12/2020 23:06

@BlairCorneliaWaldorf

It’s sounds like he’s struggling with adapting to not working. This is not uncommon at all with men who have lost their jobs/businesses, whether COVID related or otherwise.

Some really harsh people on here. I suggest you give him some time and empathy and don’t take the advice on here of telling him to get a grip.

Some nice internalised misogyny there.

Poor diddums needs time to get used to his wife having her own life and not being his slave.

WunWun · 28/12/2020 23:07

Oh sorry, not his wife. His.. girlfriend.

coldwaterfeed · 28/12/2020 23:08

@WunWun I agree.

How do you want OP to empathise with him, @BlairCorneliaWaldorf ?

ReallySpicyCurry · 28/12/2020 23:14

Well, firstly, tell him to grow up. It's 2020, women working isn't exactly new or unexpected, what did he expect you to do, with your youngest almost finished primary?

Secondly, you're not married? Make sure you stay in that job. Hold on to it for all you're worth.
What's your housing situation? Is your name on the deeds? With two children fast approaching the teen years, if you had no job, no claim on the house, and no marriage certificate, you'd be unbelievably fucked if he decided to take off to pastures new. You're wise to get a job now your children are older- it's a gamble to rely financially on a man you aren't married to.

Thirdly, well done. Retraining and going back to work must have been really challenging after being at home for so long. You should be really proud of yourself. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend - I bet she would be proud of you too.

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