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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby hates me working

56 replies

CrazyHappyMom · 28/12/2020 22:25

So my partner has always worked (been together 20 years 2 kids aged 10 and 15) I had always been a stay at home mom but decided I wanted to apply for the training for a job in the ambulance service. Anyway I had been there 8 months when the kids went back to school and my hubby had no business to go back to due to Covid. Anyway the last 3 months he has really struggled with me working,he doesn't say it but I feel it,he will make little digs sometimes and he looks really down. I have asked him and he said it's a struggle for him knowing I am in an office environment and I have this whole other life that he needs to get used to. Obviously I would rather be at home but the money is needed now and I feel like I have put a lot into the job,I wish I could make him feel more at ease about the whole situation but I haven't a clue how to.

OP posts:
covidCRAZYmom · 28/12/2020 23:19

Getting married hasn't been a priority as we had children young and financially,plus family wise both sides we have not wanted to get married since there's a lot of family issues across both families so we are basically a little unit of our own. We rent and don't have any assets. He is going back to work asap when he gets a call to say there is a job. I definitely won't be leaving my job, and there no nastiness it's just an underlying thing I can feel and maybe me being more sensitive than him dare I say it 🙈

ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 28/12/2020 23:21

OP has been quite happy in her set up, it's hardly the case that her dp has browbeaten her into submission.
He will feel pretty shit about losing his job, as his sense of identity as a "traditional" male will be bound up in being a provider.
Obviously the OP needs to hold onto her job. I notice she writes "obviously I would rather be at home" - it isn't obvious to many of us on here I imagine.

covidCRAZYmom · 28/12/2020 23:25

Just wow... That's all. Thanks for the replies everyone x

partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 23:27

Don’t give up work whatever you do.

Clearly he’s having a tough time with loosing his business, it’s grim and I am sorry for you both.

However he needs to take himself in hand here. I’d sit him down, say you understand he’s having a tough time, but his behaviour isn’t supportive and that needs to change.

If he doesn’t change after this chat then you have a big problem. Do not make yourself more vulnerable by quitting work.

Dery · 28/12/2020 23:27

“You say you aren’t married but have a traditional relationship. That’s not true though. Traditional would be married. Sounds like he’s had everything his way. When you weren’t married you had no protection. Is the house in both your names? If you aren’t married then you need to protect yourself”

This. If he wanted a non-working partner, he should have offered marriage so he’s only traditional to the extent it suits him. If you’re in England, by not working and being unmarried you have put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position financially. Unless there are additional needs, children of 10 and 15 don’t need a SAHP. It’s great that you’re now in the workplace - definitely keep it that way. (FWIW, I think it’s great role-modelling for your DCs as well to show them that their mum - after years at home - can be out in the workplace).

Bananalanacake · 28/12/2020 23:32

Is he controlling in other ways, does he stop you seeing friends.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/12/2020 23:39

I have asked him and he said it's a struggle for him knowing I am in an office environment and I have this whole other life

Sorry but that's a massive red flag for me. He wants to keep little wifey clueless and dependant in the home... Yuck.

No matter what you do don't give up that job.

covidCRAZYmom · 28/12/2020 23:47

Nope not controling,we both have our own money aswell as joint money,both have friends who we see with no issues and we both do stuff around the house. I think it is probably easy for people to pick at the small things such as not being married,or say he is controlling. I won't respond to the stuff that doesn't apply to me,and yes it's definitely been mentally hard for him going from being on the go all the time to being in the house a lot,he loved having the kids at home and has really developed a much stronger bond with them since I have been at work too and he has said how much he appreciates me for everything.

covidCRAZYmom · 28/12/2020 23:49

Thanks x

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/12/2020 23:49

Uhuh, just don't give up that job 😁

category12 · 28/12/2020 23:52

It's not a small thing not to be married if you're financially dependent on him. Or indeed, vice versa.

When he gets a job again, please keep financially independent and grow your own pension pot. It's not just in case of splitting up, but in case of unexpected death of life-changing illness/injury. Make sure you have wills and life insurances for each other.

category12 · 28/12/2020 23:57

or not of. ^

Tootletum · 28/12/2020 23:58

Some major paranoia on here. Bloke struggles with change and is occasionally a little dicky = he is a controlling bastard?? Geez.

covidCRAZYmom · 28/12/2020 23:59

I am not giving it up and it's never been an option to,he knows how much it took for me to push myself to go for the job and the training was difficult. He was so proud of me passing. Thanks for the reply x

covidCRAZYmom · 29/12/2020 00:24

I am at work now so slow replies if any. Thanks to all that tried to be helpful who read my post and answered my post. The wild ones I will leave out. I am happy not being married,I am not locked away from friends,I am not financially in the sh## and reliant on him for anything. We are happy sorry to say,I just wondered if anyone had been through similar with role changes etc. I didn't expect for him to be portrayed as a vile abusive twat

Hill1991 · 29/12/2020 00:58

I'm a SAHM my DS is 2 before lockdown never bothered me because we used to be out and about most day doing something new visiting family and friends but since we entered the first lockdown and everything closed I do feel abit jealous that my DP gets to go out off the house even if it is to work and see gets to see other people.

So I do feel for your DP as it's not easy being so busy seeing different people to not seeing anyone especially as your DC are in school. It can get rather lonely.

Once all this is over and we all can get back to as normal lives as we're used to things will get better.

blueshoes · 29/12/2020 01:47

Since you are now the one with the job and him not, don't marry him and DO NOT accept a proposal at this point Wink How the tables are turned.

Rainbowqueeen · 29/12/2020 02:09

I think perhaps he’s not so much struggling with you working but struggling with not working himself and feeling a bit envious.

Could he do some volunteer work to give himself a sense of purpose and structure ti his day? Or further study?
Or even projects round the house ( might be tricky if you are renting).

MaryLeeOnHigh · 29/12/2020 02:44

What is he doing about finding work? I know it's not easy at the moment, but has he thought about retraining in the same way as you have done?

gutful · 29/12/2020 06:31

He can’t be that traditional or he wouldn’t have chosen to “live in sin” and would be married by now with kids on the scene.

So he gets to cherry pick his traditional views on women when it suits him financially.

He sounds sexist & a bloke cracking the sads because his wife is working after he got laid off during Covid sounds like a loser to me. A better man would be grateful

Also what an interesting job with the ambulance service! Sounds rewarding...

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2020 06:50

It either is an issue, or it's not.

I know Mumsnet can be a bit full on and it makes you defensive of the partner that's being criticised. But he's either made digs or he hasn't. If he has, that's not OK.

And other posters are right, he's not traditional or you would be married. He's just sexist, not traditional.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/12/2020 07:41

Nope not controling,we both have our own money aswell as joint money

Where did your money come from when you were a SAHM?

IdblowJonSnow · 29/12/2020 10:03

What do you mean by digs OP?

Glad to hear you're planning to stay in your job.

Snog · 29/12/2020 10:05

Does he actually hate you working or is he struggling with no having a job himself? Very different scenarios.

Redruby2020 · 29/12/2020 10:05

But whether he was traditional or not, which he's obviously not, whether he was at work or not, you still need to think of you. It was one thing back in the day to be a SAHM, but it is a different world/life now.

Yes it is true that it can affect someone quite badly, especially a man if they feel the pressure to be the provider and now can not, due to matters that are out of his hands. But what he does have to realise is someone has to work, and money needs to be coming in, so his feelings are going to have to be put aside. He might go back in to work himself, I think only then will you really see whether that helps him or not, to adjust to you being in work.