That old chestnut: DH wants to relocate, I really don't. How does this get resolved??

[mummabubs]

Will try and include main points but not waffle...

DH and I met 7 years ago in the geographical area that we still live in today. By sheer coincidence both of our families live 150 miles away but within 7 miles of eachother if that makes sense. Pre covid we'd been travelling back to our parents' location about every 4-6 weeks on average for the weekend and seeing both families each time. We now have 2DC that are preschool age. We have very different life experiences so far in that from the age of 18 I left home to go to university and then moved around the UK for jobs 4 times in 5 years, so became very used to relocating and having to start from scratch and make friends in new areas etc. DH meanwhile stayed local with the same large friendship group he's had since junior school right up until I met him (he only moved to our current location for a 3 year training programme that only runs in a few locations across the UK). Possibly because of these differences I've made friends here and feel very settled (and relieved at not having to relocate anywhere again). Apart from a few work colleagues he gets on really well with DH has not sought any friends where we live.
DH has told me that after much consideration he is unhappy where we are and wants to move back "home". I feel completely torn as I can tell he is genuinely not very happy in life at the moment and he says moving back home will make him a better husband and father. The thought of him being unhappy here upsets me, but I can't even articulate fully how unappealing moving back is to me. My parents are looking at moving to another part of the country within the next year and they're the only motivation I'd have for going back (and even then we're still really close and maintain that relationship really well at this distance, DH by comparison goes weeks/months without contacting his family). As far as I can tell he wants to move home to get help with childcare from family (which I don't want, yes it's hard but I'd rather see him step up more in the parenting department if I'm honest) and so he can be back near his friendship group. I meanwhile would lose my friendship group as I have no friends from our home town now. My job is in a very niché area of the NHS and I literally got offered a promotion to my dream job here where we live just 2 weeks ago which he really encouraged me to apply for. Another confusing point for me is that just 12 weeks ago we had our house on the market and were putting in offers on houses where we live now which he seemed genuinely gutted to not secure. (We decided to delay moving due to covid and not wanting viewings during the pandemic). But he says his mind is made up, he wants to move back and to stay there indefinitely.

So I'm stuck, seems either he's miserable not moving or I become miserable if we do move. I'd actually be more open to the idea of relocating elsewhere in the UK but just not where we grew up, that's how strongly I feel. Anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it get resolved??

Thanks for reading.

I wouldn't move. He sat there when you applied for that job. He sat there when you were house searching locally. Now seemingly on a whim he's decided he wants to move to a place that you don't want to live.

If he wants to go, then that's it. I wouldn't go with him, though, so it would be his decision to make.

I'm in very similar circumstances and while DH hasn't said he wants to move, I know he'd be happier back where we grew up. I will never move back there though.

I think you need to talk and tell him how you feel, that you won't ever move back but would consider a move elsewhere.

But having said that, should you move now? Sounds like your career needs you to be where you are at the moment.

Just start the conversation and see where it goes, but be honest about your feelings. My DH was shocked at how much I hate or home town but has accepted that I will never move back there.

I wouldn’t consider it until he can show that he has made a proper effort to be happy where you are. I know it’s hard at the moment but it sounds like he has never actually tried pre-COVID to make friends etc locally.

You would be giving up a lot for someone who hasn’t even tried to be happy where you are

Is he fancying some harking back to boozy nights out with the boys?

Sounds like it would be detrimental to your career to go, so it would need some bloody huge positives to get a yes.

Thanks for the replies. I think a few of you have definitely hit on things that I've been thinking, i.e that he hasn't really tried to integrate himself here. He was part of a sports club before DS was born and enjoyed that (a sport he's played from a young age and was very good at), but he stopped going after becoming a dad and now says his fitness is so poor in comparison that he wouldn't find it enjoyable anymore. I get the sense that he doesn't bother with making friends here as in his mind no friends will ever be as good as the friendship group of 20+ that he has at home.

He insists this isn't it but I definitely get the sense that he wants to re-live his younger days of going out to the pub / hanging out with his mates... Which I understand and obviously want him to do but again I'd want to see him committed to being a more emotionally present and available member of our family first.

If I suggest to him that I'll never move back he says I'm being stubborn and uncompromising, which to some degree I guess is fair. He says he just wants me to say I'll consider it but then if I say OK let's consider it long term that results in him saying he doesn't want us to spend ages thinking about it (!)

It's not stubborn to simply not want to do something. You are allowed to not want to move back there. Is make it clear that it's not an option for you, at all. Be very honest. Don't be manipulated into considering it when it's not what you want.

Maybe feeling nostalgic for security of old home isn't strange at the moment. Doesn't mean actually moving back is a good idea, though.

he says moving back home will make him a better husband and father.

No, that's big old lie. He wants to move back for his social life and maybe to fob the kids off onto his parents. In no way is that him stepping up more as a father or a husband.

What was the agreement when you moved to where you currently are? Did you both say you wanted to stay there permanently? Unless I've read it wrong, it seems the predominant reason for moving there was the 3 year training programme(was this your training programme?). If that's ended, it's fair enough if he's thought things over and wants to return "home". I'm slightly confused because you say you make friends fairly easily and are used to relocating so even if you have no friends at the "home" location now, surely you'll be able to adapt again and make new friends?

Whatever you do OP, do not leave this promotion to move with him. To me it sounds like he is envious of your success and trying to shy away from the increase in responsibility this means for him in household because a promotion definitely entails you have to work harder for at least some time. Does he do his fair share right now? You seem to imply that he doesn’t. Saying this because he supported you in everything and then had a sudden change of heart.

He may find that his friends have grown up and have families themselves now and what he is hankering for no longer exists.
Except on the odd weekends when they all get together when he comes back.
Point out that he is probably the catalyst for his friendship group to gather, and that may not happen if he moves back permanently.

If this is a recent thing he has only decided in the last fortnight then I would take a lot more convincing that he is serious.

I uprooted with DH to move elsewhere and it worked out well but I’d be very resistant about doing it again.

I used to have these swings and panga of wanting to move 'home' missing having a friendship group that has experienced things from youth etc but actually after 13 years I only really think like this when I'm abit down or things are abit hard - maybe he's struggling with things at the minute?
I don't make friends easily as I honestly think it's a skill I never learnt being from a small village and being with the same people from infants school to college and beyond. It's a skill I WISH I had learnt, it's so valuable - but I have really put effort into learning this over the past 4-5 years and especially since having children or it would have been a lonely time. Part of that is learning and accepting that not all friendships will be rock solid from years and years ago but that's OK, I now have close friends because of that acceptance.

Maybe he's a little down, maybe he's a little insecure and missing his old life. Which if he's honest probably doesn't exist in reality anymore as it does in his head. I wouldn't make any big moves just yet

I wouldn't move back. Tell him you need to stay in the job for st least a year or two. See how he feels then?

Sorry, to clarify - we were both on the same training programme as that's how we met, he's actually more successful than me now in that he's higher banding but the area he works in is more generic so there's likely to be more job opportunities for him elsewhere in the uk than for me. I definitely don't think he's jealous of me career wise and he enjoys the job he's in now/the team.

When he moved here for the programme he didn't have any intentions to stay where we are, but then he met me. I was clear from very early on in the relationship that I wanted to stay living in this part of the UK so that's not been a surprise to him. Until earlier this year he's never officially voiced wanting to move away.

In response to MixMatch I haven't lived back "home" since I was 17, so the friends I had there I either haven't spoken to in 15 years (they've changed a lot in that time as have I) or they've also moved away. It's true that I've been used to making new friends when moving in the past but I guess having lived here for 7 years (so this is the most settled I've ever been!) I really don't relish the thought of having to start making friends from scratch again with 2 young children and in a location that I don't really want to live in.

I also wonder whether it comes down to him seeing friendships differently from you. Just because someone is friendly, good fun, and you've known them a while, doesnt mean they'll be there for you during difficult times, which is the mark of a true friend. A lot of people are "fair weather" friends but you only find this out in the long term.

Having the same tight knit friendship group since childhood is unique and I think the time of Covid, social isolation, people dying etc. would have made a lot of people think what is truly important in life. Jobs are transient (and you can be made redundant, get a new horrible boss/sabotaging colleague etc in any 'dream' job) but close, deep friendships with people who fully know you and will be there through the thick and thin, and the supportive community that comes with that, is a rarity.
It's certainly completely different from making new friends every year or so when relocating - it's nowhere near the same level of friendship.

You discussed this from day one so that really is the end of this discussion. He is being very unreasonable.

But OP has decent friends where she is, and none where he wants to move back to - why should she have to give up her social circle so he can have the convenience of his?

That he's trying to sell it as the solution to his laziness at home is also a lot of old tosh. It wouldn't be. He'd just be free to go out more and socialise, while OP would have no friends and still have the same unfair distribution of labour.

OK just seen your update. Tricky situation. Did you explicitly tell him at the time you wanted to stay in your current area permanently? Have you talked to him in detail about what has triggered his change of heart? You say he's "not very happy with life"...sounds like there could be something deeper going on such as depression? Or bad work stress? Something that is prompting him to really need his familiar friendship group for support.

I’d say no. Who exactly would help with childcare? Why would you want to go if your parents are moving away? What’s in it for you? Have you pointed out to him that a) you don’t want help with childcare and he needs to step the fuck up and b) it’s pointless you moving back?

You also need to point to him that he can find a job in his area easily but you can’t. That is a reason enough in itself.

Could this be a post-Christmas, grim new year low point? Just this evening my partner, who's feeling miserable about Brexit and lockdown and January, suggested moving back to her family's home area. I'd be a real fish out of water there and wouldn't go. I think the idea of moving back home, back to old friends and an old lifestyle, offers a kind of false comfort when you're feeling down.

I’ve been in a similar situation except it was before marriage and DC, DH and I are not from the same region, we lived in London and I was the one who wanted to move. DH flatly refused. Job opportunities were better in London for DH, but there were some in my preferred location.

I had options of ending the relationship or staying where we lived and chose the latter, and worked to make the best of it. Overall it’s worked out pretty well. But my social life is still crap, eg have little time/energy to build friendships when working FT and with DC. And I have made far, far more ‘compromises’ / deferred to the other’s wishes in the relationship than DH.

I don’t buy his argument that moving would make him a better father/partner. You say you don’t think he’s doing his fair share of parenting at present. Should you move that would be v unlikely to improve IMO, and far more likely to get worse.

On childcare, as PPs say if the issue is his parenting, childcare won’t fix that. If childcare / time for yourselves IS the issue, paying for childcare costs a tiny fraction of the financial costs of relocating.