That old chestnut: DH wants to relocate, I really don't. How does this get resolved??

[mummabubs]

Will try and include main points but not waffle...

DH and I met 7 years ago in the geographical area that we still live in today. By sheer coincidence both of our families live 150 miles away but within 7 miles of eachother if that makes sense. Pre covid we'd been travelling back to our parents' location about every 4-6 weeks on average for the weekend and seeing both families each time. We now have 2DC that are preschool age. We have very different life experiences so far in that from the age of 18 I left home to go to university and then moved around the UK for jobs 4 times in 5 years, so became very used to relocating and having to start from scratch and make friends in new areas etc. DH meanwhile stayed local with the same large friendship group he's had since junior school right up until I met him (he only moved to our current location for a 3 year training programme that only runs in a few locations across the UK). Possibly because of these differences I've made friends here and feel very settled (and relieved at not having to relocate anywhere again). Apart from a few work colleagues he gets on really well with DH has not sought any friends where we live.
DH has told me that after much consideration he is unhappy where we are and wants to move back "home". I feel completely torn as I can tell he is genuinely not very happy in life at the moment and he says moving back home will make him a better husband and father. The thought of him being unhappy here upsets me, but I can't even articulate fully how unappealing moving back is to me. My parents are looking at moving to another part of the country within the next year and they're the only motivation I'd have for going back (and even then we're still really close and maintain that relationship really well at this distance, DH by comparison goes weeks/months without contacting his family). As far as I can tell he wants to move home to get help with childcare from family (which I don't want, yes it's hard but I'd rather see him step up more in the parenting department if I'm honest) and so he can be back near his friendship group. I meanwhile would lose my friendship group as I have no friends from our home town now. My job is in a very niché area of the NHS and I literally got offered a promotion to my dream job here where we live just 2 weeks ago which he really encouraged me to apply for. Another confusing point for me is that just 12 weeks ago we had our house on the market and were putting in offers on houses where we live now which he seemed genuinely gutted to not secure. (We decided to delay moving due to covid and not wanting viewings during the pandemic). But he says his mind is made up, he wants to move back and to stay there indefinitely.

So I'm stuck, seems either he's miserable not moving or I become miserable if we do move. I'd actually be more open to the idea of relocating elsewhere in the UK but just not where we grew up, that's how strongly I feel. Anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it get resolved??

Thanks for reading.

Is he particularly homesick at the moment because of covid restrictions and not being able to stay over with friends & family as easily? If you were local would you be able to pop round and chat in the garden etc but that isn't a possibility at the moment?

I’ve known several people with partners who’ve moved “back home” and they have all regretted it. One family moved to Australia and moved back within 6 months!

Like others have said “home” hasn’t stayed the same and although old friends are there, you can’t go back to how things were 7 years ago. It’s chasing a fantasy sadly. It’s even worse than moving to a completely new location as the person wanting to go home has such unrealistic expectations of slotting straight back into their old groove. Moving to a new area takes effort and your DP will need to put in the effort as well as you.

I wouldn’t move in this circumstance- and I have moved north and south with my DP each time to new towns or cities where we both had to forge new friendships.

If I wasn't feeling utterly ground down today by Covid, I would post a nice post.

Tell him to jog on and fuck the fuck off and when he gets there, tell him to fuck off some more.

How fucking dare he.

Yup, was very clear about me wanting to stay here from day one. I very deliberately applied to this particular course as I've wanted to live in this part of the uk since holidaying here with my family as a teenager. Living where our parents do has never been something I've wanted to do.
I think DH lacks social interaction over here which doesn't help his mood but he doesn't think he's depressed and I don't either. He's ok at doing practical things like nappy changes but it's more the playing / general interacting which tends to be left mostly to me. He stares at his phone for hours on end each day (which he does agree is a problem) and I'm not sure I see how relocating will fix this. He's also become much less affectionate since we had DC. His argument is that if we had more support with childcare we could go on date nights (which would be lovely) but one of his parents has a difficult relationship with alcohol so I've been very clear that I wouldn't be happy leaving dc with them in the evening anyway.

I don't feel that he's being unreasonable for wanting to move, but I'm very sad that we don't want compatibile things.

Where are your parents planning on moving to? I would be much more inclined to think about moving there, where you will have their support, then somewhere you'll be stuck with no friends, a DH trying to recreate his youth and difficult in laws your don't trust who you'll be pressured to leave your DC with.

I do think maybe covid has made it harder, although he insists this isn't due to covid and in fairness he makes no attempts to contact his friends when we are with our parents visiting and he doesn't contact his family for weeks on end, it's me that's arranged our four zoom calls during covid and my motivation is more so dc can see them. By contrast I'm in touch with my family via WhatsApp everyday and Facetime regularly too so for us the distance doesn't impact on our closeness. I'm not sure if it's relevant but I think another factor for me is that when we go to my parents house they are very involved as grandparents and play with/talk to our dc all the time. I have no doubt that my in-laws love our dc but when we go there the kids are pretty much just left to themselves so naturally they don't have the same bond with them.

@messallover they're thinking of moving to a rural location which is about 2 hours from where they live now and 1.5 hours from where we are now. My parents and I both feel the same, that we love eachother deeply and they are so close to their grandchildren but none of us feel a pressure to live locally to eachother. Growing up my maternal grandparents lived over an hour away and I saw them maybe six times a year but I was so close to them. My paternal grandparents on the other hand lived 20 minutes away and I saw them about the same and wasn't very close to them at all, so for me I don't worry about distance affecting my dcs' or my relationship with them. DH says he wants to see more of his family but his actions don't reflect this so I'm a little confused by his position on that. He also said yesterday we don't necessarily have to live very close to them but then in the next sentence referenced them being able to help do school pick ups and drop offs! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Needing to be in an area for your dream job trumps wanting to move home for what seems to be a vague and idealised nostalgia.

From what you write it seems like he's unhappy with a lot of aspects of his life - little social life, less fit, probably feels a bit trapped by parenthood - none of these are uncommon and all understandable as men get to middle age. He's lit on the comfort of moving home as the quick fix but actually, they're all fixable where he is. Being a dad in your 30s doesn't mean giving up on your fitness. It's never too late to meet new friends, even if you're a man it doesn't come naturally to. I think he should try to level up his life in his current location before asking you to start again.

Getting fit again with a view to picking his sport back up could be a good 2021 project for him?

Is he satisfied with life generally? I think covid is making already mildly dissatisfied/itchy feet/grass is greener people feel worse and they think the answer is something drastic like a relocation – “in the new house/city/living rurally/moving abroad I will suddenly become someone with friends/someone who runs/I’ll be a bit taller, thinner, happier, more gregarious/we’ll keep chickens in the garden and have adorable baking sessions on Sundays/it will be eternal spring in england and never a pissing damp January day”, etc.

You’re not supposed to make big decisions like moving when you’re very stressed and nothing is as stressful as a pandemic. I suspect he wants to move to “fix” something, without working on the things in himself he’d need to fix – like making more effort with friends and with his personal life satisfaction.

My DP is a bit like this, always hoping the next job or home will transform him, but he’s got a melancholy, grumpy streak that will always follow him/us from job to job, home to home. And what would actually improve matters is drinking less and exercising more, but that involves effort and is a slow fix, vs “magic wand Rightmove solution”.

I think the compromise is that you'll consider moving but not to the area you grew up. DH and I similarly are from the same part of the country and we briefly discussed moving "home". The deciding factor was friendships. Like you my friends from that period of my life have moved on, some of DHs friends are still there. I painted a picture of what that would look like for me: holding the baby whilst he was down the pub, not making any new friends because he already has a readymade set (of single men in their 40s and 50s). He agreed with me in the end. We are moving closer to family, but still an hour drive.

@gannett and @burritofan I think both of your posts resonate a lot with my thoughts. I was thinking of suggesting to him that we give it another year here and he has to show me that he's making a decent effort to change things he's unhappy with here, and if he still feels that way then we look at moving. He makes the point that we should move before DS starts school which I would agree it's not ideal to consider relocating him if he's just started school, but given he's just turned 3 we've got a while yet.

I've offered this PurBal, his position is he wants to move to be closer to his friends and family so moving somewhere else wouldn't fit the bill for him.

Well I've had similar feelings myself recently. We live 250 miles away from both our family's and moved 12 years ago. We have 1dc 18 mths.

I have fair weather friends here, and have lost 3 in the last year due to life changes in their circumstances they are no longer nearby. I'm trying hard to make new friendships again.

But, I think I came to the conclusion that the feeling of wanting to move home is more because I haven't been able to travel to see them due to COVID. Perhaps your dh is the same, no visits make it really hard to stay well balanced. Usually I enjoy going but am relieved to come back to where we live as it can be an intense visit trying to see everyone.

So I don't honk I really want to move, I just miss them.

Could your DH be the same? I would want
My Dh to say the same as you - pre school years are the time to really think this through and be away as once they are in primary you really want to avoid upheavals again. So make the effort now but see if you can help him. It is very miserable not having good friends nearby.

I agree with @category12.

And I think your suggestion of staying where you are for another year while he makes a real effort is a good one. But please make sure you don’t spend that year pandering to him so he feels happier. So yes he spends time making friends but you also get the same amount of time with your friends.

Quite a tricky situation OP and a very difficult one to compromise on. I think, seeing a you've just had a promotion and given your DC are still very young you could suggest giving it 18 months - 2 years for you to be in your new role long enough for a move on to be acceptable and then have the discussion again at that point. Hopefully then things will have got back to normal more, post covid, and if he is genuinely serious then he would still feel the same about it then and its not too far off either if he is genuinely struggling. If it doesn't totally fit in with school start times then it's also not that bad for a child to restart at a new school again when very little and they'd settle in at a new school again fine at that age

@mummabubs another point I'd make is that it's very easy for us, and you, to say "well just fix your life, get fit, make new friends" - but if you're feeling stuck in inertia like he seems to be, that can be really hard. I think as well as him showing you he's committed to doing this, you have to show him you'll support him.

I don't mean "centre his needs" or "do all the legwork and organisation" but more moral support IYSWIM? It helps a lot if you're trying to pull yourself out of a rut to know you have someone in your corner, who believes you can be a better and happier version of yourself.

As @pisspants said, moving schools when your children are little is really not a big deal so don’t feel you need to rush to resolve this before your DCs start school.

Relationships are built on a context and some times they don’t work when you change it. For example, you have a neutral context where you live and your life has been built around that environment. In your case, changing the context may mean less friends (or more if his friends are a friendly bunch), different social interactions, less job satisfaction/income, which on their own may affect the balance in your relationship.

If he feels so strongly about moving as you feel against it, the best option is to go/stay in the area where you will have the best network of support/ease/money to raise your kids. Because believe me, if it doesn’t work, it is better for it to end in the place where you have it easier to raise your kids, particularly if he is not a massively hands on parent.

If you tell him to give it a year he will make no effort or simply pretend to because in his head you will have said yes to moving.

If you never want to move don't leave him thinking you will. Say no.

As a pp said, those young friends will now be older men with families and responsibilities. You being stuck somewhere you'd hate for the sake of the odd date night will destroy your relationship anyway and not allow you to work on the area you trained for.

This sudden need to go home is odd though, after encouraging you to go for a promotion and looking at buying another house there.

I get the feeling that if you moved you will end up stranded there

Been in similar situation but it was international. I was the one who wanted to move. We did, it was a complete disaster and led to divorce within 6 months (there were also other reasons not applicable to your case, also far more job opportunities and way better schools in my place). He felt about my home town exactly what I felt about his (frustration and despair) except I'd already served more than a decade of time in his home town and he wouldn't make the effort even for a few years.

I'm now having to live there again (divorced) as he refuses to let DCs live anywhere else.

In your case, unlike in mine, it sounds like there are zero good reasons for you to relocate. He probably feels trapped. Covid will have made it a million times worse. Be gentle with him. I strongly suggest he gets therapy, because this usually isn't something that just goes away. Therapy won't make him suddenly love where you're living, but it might show him a way forward in your current situation. Best of luck OP.

Oh, another thought FWIW – my family moved when I was 7 and again when I was 11, neither felt like upheavals to me, I recall only excitement and adventure. I’m sure it was enormously stressful for my parents – both were cross-country moves so they had to look at houses and schools and organise the whole shebang from afar, with four kids and two cats – but my siblings and I weren’t drastically affected emotionally or academically. It’s really teenage/GCSE/A-level moves you want to avoid. Though of course it does depend on children’s temperament/gregariousness/resilience, etc. So I wouldn’t worry about rushing to decide or only giving yourself a year before considering it: 2021 isn’t likely to be much better than 2020 so it’s not fair that this should be the make or break year for staying or going, when your DH can’t really make an effort to build a life where you are right now.

I agree with gannett about the moral support. You can’t book him the hobbies/force his mindset to change but you can cheerlead and be present for conversations about his dissatisfaction/make suggestions – even if, frustratingly, he doesn’t follow up on them.

I don’t think the ‘might move in one year if you’ve tried harder and still want to move’ thing is a good idea. Your needs and wishes are as important as DH’s. You don’t want to move and are unlikely to want to do so in a year.

Suggest couple’s counselling. Expensive, especially with childcare, but could make a difference.

Suggest reiterating your boundary about his parent(s) providing childcare due to one of them having an alcohol problem. I have a similar boundary: sometimes the partner too is unsuitable to provide childcare as they prioritise their partner over DCs’ safety, sadly.

When covid restrictions end, the two of you could easily organise childcare and you could do stuff out of the home as a couple.

Your follow up post is unclear on whether or not DH is doing a fair share / OK job of parenting your DC. If the problem is that he’s not, would seek to tackle that.

Some other practical things to consider, having been in a similar situation myself.

Don't all the 'old gang' now have kids and responsibilities etc which mean they get together way less than DH imagines? How much family time would you accept to give up for 'the lads'. Is it one night a week/fortnight/per month.

Also, do grandparents have other long term existing commitments to other grandchildren who live locally? Which might prevent the utopia he imagines. Do they want to do hands on childcare or are they more the 'visity' type.

My exh always hankered for home when he was depressed and there was no reasoning with him. He'd even say things like 'oh there is nothing to do round here etc'.

I'd say, accept the job, say you want to do it for a minimum of 1 year so its on your cv. You'd agreed not to move till covid is over whether thats locally or cross country-still stands. And that you would need to see changes at home and in him to be able to consider it in a year-as you would need a lot of support and rely on him heavily having given up everything. And then just hope its a phase that will pass. I suspect it will. But sometimes I found they have to have a little dream to keep alive and crushing it altogether makes you the bad guy.

I think you need to explicitly state to him that simply moving won't change the type of parent he is. If you move away from your chosen career and your network of friends, there's no guarantee he will become a better parent. Its changing your whole life on a promise.

If he wanted to, he could parent better now. He could book a regular sitter for date nights. He could work on his friendships.

I find it very strange that he doesn’t have contact with his family or friends but wants to move home to be with him. Have you chatted about this with him? Also it might be worth putting his mind at rest and showing him childminder contacts or after school clubs so that he can see you’ll get support with childcare. Also get a babysitter/childminder and arrange a date night/afternoon once a fortnight so that you can have some time together. Help him find some clubs or activities to intergrate into. Cricket football cycling. It sounds to me like he’s feeling isolated and like life’s a slog. if you can help him to have a meaning leisure activities and time away from the kids and work, you might find he feels more settled.