That old chestnut: DH wants to relocate, I really don't. How does this get resolved??

[mummabubs]

Will try and include main points but not waffle...

DH and I met 7 years ago in the geographical area that we still live in today. By sheer coincidence both of our families live 150 miles away but within 7 miles of eachother if that makes sense. Pre covid we'd been travelling back to our parents' location about every 4-6 weeks on average for the weekend and seeing both families each time. We now have 2DC that are preschool age. We have very different life experiences so far in that from the age of 18 I left home to go to university and then moved around the UK for jobs 4 times in 5 years, so became very used to relocating and having to start from scratch and make friends in new areas etc. DH meanwhile stayed local with the same large friendship group he's had since junior school right up until I met him (he only moved to our current location for a 3 year training programme that only runs in a few locations across the UK). Possibly because of these differences I've made friends here and feel very settled (and relieved at not having to relocate anywhere again). Apart from a few work colleagues he gets on really well with DH has not sought any friends where we live.
DH has told me that after much consideration he is unhappy where we are and wants to move back "home". I feel completely torn as I can tell he is genuinely not very happy in life at the moment and he says moving back home will make him a better husband and father. The thought of him being unhappy here upsets me, but I can't even articulate fully how unappealing moving back is to me. My parents are looking at moving to another part of the country within the next year and they're the only motivation I'd have for going back (and even then we're still really close and maintain that relationship really well at this distance, DH by comparison goes weeks/months without contacting his family). As far as I can tell he wants to move home to get help with childcare from family (which I don't want, yes it's hard but I'd rather see him step up more in the parenting department if I'm honest) and so he can be back near his friendship group. I meanwhile would lose my friendship group as I have no friends from our home town now. My job is in a very niché area of the NHS and I literally got offered a promotion to my dream job here where we live just 2 weeks ago which he really encouraged me to apply for. Another confusing point for me is that just 12 weeks ago we had our house on the market and were putting in offers on houses where we live now which he seemed genuinely gutted to not secure. (We decided to delay moving due to covid and not wanting viewings during the pandemic). But he says his mind is made up, he wants to move back and to stay there indefinitely.

So I'm stuck, seems either he's miserable not moving or I become miserable if we do move. I'd actually be more open to the idea of relocating elsewhere in the UK but just not where we grew up, that's how strongly I feel. Anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it get resolved??

Thanks for reading.

Personally I wouldn’t agree to move in a year if happy with location friends and job.

So you are expected to give up your home, friends and a job that you have just been promoted in and enjoy so he can have a kickabout with his mates from primary school? What's in this for you OP? No friends or family in the area, less job prospects and probably left handling a relationship with the in-laws and one of them has an alcohol problem. What happens if this move sinks the marriage, are you then stuck living in that town for the sake of the kids relationship with their dad? I would say no, not maybe, not think about it if DH puts in effort for a year, just no.

To me reading your OP, staying means you get your promotion and retain your friendship group so keeps you happy, whereas moving may or may not increase your DHs happiness, but will definitely decrease yours.

@category12

he says moving back home will make him a better husband and father.

No, that's big old lie. He wants to move back for his social life and maybe to fob the kids off onto his parents. In no way is that him stepping up more as a father or a husband.

I think he’d be in for a shock with the parents and childcare too. He has gone months without contact, that doesn’t happen in a supportive close knit family

If I were you I’d say that I don’t want to move back to that area because there isn’t and eventually won’t be anything for you there. Job, friends, family. You’ve made your life here and having relocated multiple things times, you know realistically how hard it is.

Then I would remind him about the new job, that it’s a huge deal for you, applied for with his encouragement and blessing and that you want at least 2 years in the role before considering going anywhere.

Therefore he has at least 2 years to make an effort in this area, to get himself back up to speed with his sport - with your full backing - get himself a social life and get better invested in parenting and running about for the dc

I do understand that there are times in our lives where we crave change, and perhaps this falsely placed nostalgia is due to this and to the current Covid situation

But it’s a knee jerk reaction and wouldn’t solve the problems, only create more

I think you can say that you will discuss it and consider it if he tackles the issues you see as this real problems first.

The phone addiction and ignoring family life has to be sorted first, you will just take that with you wherever you go. Unless he rules out the other possible causes did his feeling fed up, you won't consider drastic solutions that affect your life and career. That's fair.

I would spell it out to him in very plain language that

1. Sitting for hours scrolling your phone and ignoring family life won't be fixed by relocating.

1. He doesn't make any effort to keep in touch with these friends and family he's so desperate to move near.

1. Paying babysitters where you are now for date nights, are cheaper than moving the whole family across the country.

It sounds to me like he's got this vision of going out a few nights a week with 'the lads' while his parents babysit (so you can't moan about it).

The more you post clearer it is how lazy he is with parenting, his own family, and you.

Date nights my arse, what's stopped him booking a babysitter and having date nights where you live now, or simply getting the kids to bed early and ordering in with a bottle of wine, setting the table and lighting some candles - does he even do that? I'm guessing the answer is 'no'. Probably can't pull his head out of his phone for long enough.

he says moving back home will make him a better husband and father honestly, what a shitty excuse for being a bit of a crap husband and father.

Both my DH and I moved to be closer to friends and family. Whilst pre covid we saw more of family we were surprised how little saw of the friends. Between work, small children and that people change over time we just don't socialise with them as much as we anticipated.
Another friend of ours moved 'back home' to a different area and found his old friendship group that he thought went out every weekend etc didn't actually meet up much any more and he's since moved away again.
I'd be very careful about moving for friends that he currently rarely sees. They are unlikely to be the friends he has in his head anymore. It also sounds like he's wanting to shift childcare on to his family but given the alcohol problem I doubt you'll actually get much help.
Basically don't move, it'll cost you too much and he won't get what he's looking for.

It seems like he has a fantasy of relationships with his parents and friends that he in no way actually has/tries to foster, nor would exist if you moved there.

I wouldn’t even consider moving somewhere to pander to a man’s general laziness as a parent, friend and son.

I really wouldn't go down the route of saying you will give it a year and if he still isn't happy, then move. He will see this as a green light to put plans in motion and by Dec 2021 you will be where he wants to be.

DH is clearly unhappy and thinks that moving geographically will solve it, which is unlikely. I really would not move if I were you. A friend was in a very similar position recently. She agreed to move to be near her ILS on her DH insistence and within three months he told her the marriage is over. He now has childcare on tap for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay any child maintenance and she is far from her support system.

I am not saying this is what your DH plans, but your post just reminded me of my friends situation.

Don't move!

Yeah, I wouldn't move.

Sounds like he is stuck in a rut and thinks that the solution is to go back a decade! Problem is, he can't have that life any more - you won't have your parents on hand to help, PIL cannot facilitate date nights and might not be keen to do childcare AND his friends might not be actually that bothered about regular socialising, especially if he doesn't see them when he goes back.

I don't think that the middle of a pandemic is the time to make these kinds of decisions and I definitely don't think you should harm your career for what could be a whim.

Is there a way that you can save to put together a fund for date nights, a travel/experience you could do together?

I think that you have to make clear that unless he tries to solve his issues locally (join clubs, social events, babysitter), there is no way you will think about a move back.

he says moving back home will make him a better husband and father

No, that's big old lie. He wants to move back for his social life and maybe to fob the kids off onto his parents. In no way is that him stepping up more as a father or a husband.

Just echoing everyone else.

And pointing out that it'd be easier for him to move and then get divorced, because he'd have his old drinking mates on hand, his parents to do childcare, and not have to travel EOW to see his DC.

You'd be stuck somewhere you didn't want to be for the next 15 years, in a job you didn't want, with your friends miles away, with a shit part-time Disney dad.

If he could buck up into Dad of the Century, where you are now, it would be less of a gamble but as it stands you've got far too much to lose.

Your marriage might be rock solid, but echoing a previous poster, I would be wary of moving to where he gets free childcare on tap, in case he has some unspoken thoughts, or subliminal idea that he is dissatisfied in the marriage and family life. Stay where you are OP and arrange regular babysitting and encourage him to go back home for weekends on his own. He'll hopefully see the grass isn't greener.

Thanks all, a lot of you speak a lot of sense. It's been really helpful to reassure me that moving in a few years might not be too much for the dc which takes the pressure off a bit. I completely agree that things like the relationship/ phone use/ parenting need to be priorities now, not if we move.

A couple of people have mentioned not relying on in-laws for childcare. If it's relevant my in-laws already provide regular childcare for one of their 2 granddaughters (SILs children) every week and even during covid have used the childcare bubble line as a justification to have them both over a lot in the week and still sleeping over etc. They interact very differently with them than with our dc, possibly due to seeing them much more frequently. My SiL doesn't like the drinking situation either but has said that frankly it suits her more to have the free childcare so doesn't act on this. I wouldn't be willing to bend on this and DH is unwilling to talk to his parent about it for fear of upsetting them. My parents love all their dgc deeply but would prefer to be visit-y grandparents rather than substitute parents if that makes sense? Personally I prefer my parent's style of grandparenting as when we do see them it feels like a special thing rather than just popping round to grandma's for tea etc.

Absolutely don’t move back. Sounds like you were clear from the outset. You have the job you want there and it sounds like you wouldn’t have the same back home. That itself is reason to stay. The friendship circle is also important as why should his trump yours?

Seeing as you made it clear in the beginning that you wouldn't be up for relocating, your new job promotion and recently looking at houses in your current area, together with your DH's lack of oomph, there's no way on earth I'd be dragging my family across the country!
He needs to address his own issues and I can't see relocating helping with that.

So, to be clear, his reasons for moving back are to be closer to friends he hardly speaks to and family he's doesn't make the effort to keep in regular touch with plus some sort of magical childcare option which will allow him to further abdicate his parental responsibilities. And who exactly is going to provide that? You (understandably) don't want his parents doing it and I can't see any of those 'friends' being close enough to help. In return for him gaining these riches you give up your own friends, the kids' routines and a job you love, including a promotion he encouraged you to go for and that you won't be able to replicate if you move. So in short, you give up everything and gain nothing while he gives up nothing and, if he's lucky, he regains some old friends but more likely he gains nothing either. The answer is an obvious 'hell no'.

I don't think you should offer to give it a year because that won't change all the stuff you are giving up and it won't make 'going home' a more attractive option to either of you. I also don't think you should offer to move to another random location - how does that help either of you?

If I was being generous I might suggest he has depression which is making him nostalgic for the past and suggest he seeks some counselling. But actually, I think he sounds like a selfish childish twat who wants to give up as many adult responsibilities as possible.

Can’t he just go and stay with his parents for a weekend every couple of months and have a boys weekend with his old mates?

The dream job seems a reason not to move in itself.

My view would in part depend where you live now and where the move would be too. OP without being outing, can you give us some clue?

I'd put money on him still being miserable even if you moved.

So many people have said this here OP. Please don’t move with him and give up your dream job. It will never work out.

Don't move OP. Let him if he wants to, alone.

@mummabubs

Thanks all, a lot of you speak a lot of sense. It's been really helpful to reassure me that moving in a few years might not be too much for the dc which takes the pressure off a bit. I completely agree that things like the relationship/ phone use/ parenting need to be priorities now, not if we move.

A couple of people have mentioned not relying on in-laws for childcare. If it's relevant my in-laws already provide regular childcare for one of their 2 granddaughters (SILs children) every week and even during covid have used the childcare bubble line as a justification to have them both over a lot in the week and still sleeping over etc. They interact very differently with them than with our dc, possibly due to seeing them much more frequently. My SiL doesn't like the drinking situation either but has said that frankly it suits her more to have the free childcare so doesn't act on this. I wouldn't be willing to bend on this and DH is unwilling to talk to his parent about it for fear of upsetting them. My parents love all their dgc deeply but would prefer to be visit-y grandparents rather than substitute parents if that makes sense? Personally I prefer my parent's style of grandparenting as when we do see them it feels like a special thing rather than just popping round to grandma's for tea etc.

You have mentioned a few times that you've been uprooting and building friendships in a nomadic fashion. Yet, your oh has been consistent in his friendships and wishes to reconnect and you now say you couldn't possibly build new friendships. Contradiction.

Likewise, you don't really have the relationship that your oh presumably had with his grandparents and prefer the hands off approach. That's working for you. You sound fairly detached emotionally on many levels. But you it everyone is. And I think that as we age it is more the norm to want to have closer, more frequent family contsct. And the come for tea grandparents visits you scoff at are probably what many grandchildren and grandparents cherish. And I know from my own experiences and that of my child this is true. I don't think that your dislike of his mother should be the overriding driving factor here.

I don't disagree that your own future, from your perspective looks brighter where you are. And you're not unreasonable to not want to move, if you accept the unintended consequences of not trying to find a compromise. Likewise you're adamant it would be also a brighter future closer to wherever your parents are and choose to move to. Do you not see though that this is a contradiction as you wish to deprive your oh of this? And actually more as what he wants is for a closer relationship. You don't.

You also don't wish to compromise and nor does he at this point. Have you, however, considered that by being steadfast in you both focusing on your own interests, that you may find that you're now at a fork in the road, regardless of what has provoked it and you may find that without compromising you find that your relationship cannot survive. The worst case scenario then could be that the pil have unfettered access to your children if you separated and he moved back to that area. And if that's such a genuine concern, then you may need to consider that by not looking into the possibility of your ohs wishes, that this is one of the unforeseen outcome.

What many other posters have said. Don't move and don't offer some kind of 'in a year' type compromise as that will allow him to do absolutely nothing on the basis that you're moving in a year so why bother? He needs to take responsibility for his own life. For starters, I would suggest he gets to work on a) booking a babysitter so you can go on these date nights, b) speaking to his family more often and c) organising some time back 'home' just for him so he can spend more time with his valued family and old friends. Let's see how fast he actually moves himself to make any of that happen.

@MotherExtraordinaire but I'm not convinced he does want a closer relationship with his parents. He hardly speaks to them. It's talking the talk but not walking the walk.

As for unintended consequences, I think @TodgerStrunk's picture of how OP could end up stuck there if they were to split is pretty compelling. If you look at splitting as a worst case scenario, then where would OP be better off if that happened? That's what to consider.