Partner thinks my daughter is controlling me

[JeffJen1234]

Ok...so I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we don't live together. I have 2 children at home, 18 year old son and daughter 16. For the past year I have been staying over at my boyfriend's overnight twice a week. Recently I found out that my daughter is suffering from anxiety at night when I'm not sleeping at home. I've not slept at my boyfriend's anymore but he has taken it badly. He thinks she is putting it on and is just pretending so I stay home, he also says she shouldn't have anxiety as my son is home and I should just leave her. I understand he misses me staying with him but surely he should understand I can't just leave my daughter like she is. (He can't sleep at mine as he has a dog that would attack my cat)

What? Your daughter's at home with her brother who is barely an adult, and he thinks she should "just get over it"?
Screw him. No empathy at all. If it was his sixteen year old worrying "what if burglars, what if someone with a grudge comes to the wrong house, whatifwhatif..."

Yes, he should understand. He's not a nicean and he doesn't deserve you.

So a 16yr-old should be able to cope without you there at night but your adult partner can't?

That's some interesting logic he's got going there.

he also says she shouldn't have anxiety as my son is home and I should just leave her

She's your daughter while he's just your boyfriend - he has no right to make any disapproving comment like this at all about your dc, your cat, you, your life etc etc

The fact he feels okay making comments is a bad sign
The fact he can't sympathise with your daughter's anxiety is an extra dodgy sign (in my opinion)

Well he's quite clearly not the caring sort. Tell him to fuck off and put your daughter first. She's still a child.

Sounds like the end of the relationship to me.

Ya, screw him!

Calling your daughter "manipulative" is disgusting. She's a child who wants her mother and feels safer with her mother.
That to me is a HUGE RED FLAG!!

So he can't leave his dog at home to stay at yours, but you should leave your child? That says a lot about the kind of person he is.

Well tatty bye to him then.

You started doing this when she was 15? I think leaving your teen children 2 nights a week is pretty awful honestly. It's this period in their life when they can make some terrible choices. They need you at home.

Isn't he a peach?

From 15 my mother left me and my older brother from Fri to Monday every week to stay with her then BF. I judged her then and when she died I actually mourned my dog more than. If your dd was 18 plus I would just speak to her but she's still a child who is lower down the priority list than the cat, reduce the overnights away from the home, you could try and coordinate you staying at your bfs with your daughter's friends staying with her

Wtf!

OP, you are putting a grown adult before your teenage child needs. And he is putting his dog before your needs.

I have a teenage dd with anxiety. It's no walk in the park can I just say.

Never put a man and his dog ahead of your child

In case it didn't come over clearly, this is a major red flag.

"So a 16yr-old should be able to cope without you there at night but your adult partner can't?"

100% this ^

Don't let him move in with you, even when he no longer has the dog.

When my daughter was a teen, she was a very capable and confident girl, but she did not like being home alone when it was dark. It really bothered her. It breaks my heart to think of your daughter anxious and scared, and I seriously doubt her brother offers much support. Put your kids first over this twat of a man.

Well tatty bye to him then

This.

@Aquamarine1029

You started doing this when she was 15? I think leaving your teen children 2 nights a week is pretty awful honestly. It's this period in their life when they can make some terrible choices. They need you at home.

Amen to this!!

Funny he can't just leave his dog at home overnight. If it gets upset it's just an attention-seeking control freak and he should leave it to get over itself.

   Or does he live in a logic vacuum?

I think leaving a 15 year old alone two nights a week is quite a bold decision in the first place. When my younger sister was about 15/16 making me 18/19 my parents went on holiday leaving us alone. But it was with our agreement, we didn’t want to go on holiday with them and we thought it was fun to get our own shopping budget for the fortnight and doing the shop. If we had said we were nervous, they would not have gone.

Your partner is an idiot, your daughter is definitely not controlling you. I am 50 now and occasionally I feel slightly anxious when I am on my own overnight. Not in an excessive way, I lived on my own for twelve years and am not generally an anxious person. But I have got used to DH being here now and when he isn’t I do find myself hearing and investigating noises more thoroughly than I would normally. So I can totally understand a 16 year old girl genuinely having anxiety.

Thank you all for your replies. I feel really bad for leaving my daughter in the past but I wasn't aware of how she was feeling, now I know, I certainly won't be sleeping away again. My boyfriend doesn't understand so I will be saying goodbye!

Good for you and your daughters welfare coming first.

Sounds a sensible choice there OP.
No dad or gps around to give you a bit more peace of mind when dating?

No unfortunately not. I think I'll stay single, I've had such bad luck with relationships!