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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner thinks my daughter is controlling me

61 replies

JeffJen1234 · 28/12/2020 13:35

Ok...so I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we don't live together. I have 2 children at home, 18 year old son and daughter 16. For the past year I have been staying over at my boyfriend's overnight twice a week. Recently I found out that my daughter is suffering from anxiety at night when I'm not sleeping at home. I've not slept at my boyfriend's anymore but he has taken it badly. He thinks she is putting it on and is just pretending so I stay home, he also says she shouldn't have anxiety as my son is home and I should just leave her. I understand he misses me staying with him but surely he should understand I can't just leave my daughter like she is. (He can't sleep at mine as he has a dog that would attack my cat)

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2020 15:29

Good for you OP

Anydreamwilldo12 · 28/12/2020 16:16

Great decision OP

Butterymuffin · 28/12/2020 16:20

Well rid, what a git!

SortingItOut · 28/12/2020 18:07

My DD is 17, nearly 18 and she hates being at home alone after 8pm.

Earlier this year when my DS was still at Uni I used to pop out for 2 hours to see my new boyfriend a few times a week or he would pop over to mine for a few hours but not stay until I felt DD was ready for that.

Since my DS is home I can stay over at my boyfriends once a week but if he was out I wouldnt sleep away from home because DD doesnt like it.

My boyfriend is totally fine with this, we either dont see each other or he comes to mine more.
If he tried to tell me my daughter was unreasonable for being scared of being alone I'd get rid of him straight away.

Well done for putting your DD first.

Original poster
JeffJen1234 · 29/12/2020 13:01

Sounds like you're got a good boyfriend there. One day I'll find one :)

OP posts:
AndcalloffChristmas · 29/12/2020 13:11

Good decision OP.

I can’t believe he thought you should be leaving an under 18 who was uncomfortable with it alone over night, with your Ds also being barely an adult. Yet he wouldn’t leave his dog!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 29/12/2020 13:14

You don't need a manchild in your life. Good decision, OP 👏👏👏

TwentyViginti · 29/12/2020 13:20

@2bazookas

Funny he can't just leave his dog at home overnight. If it gets upset it's just an attention-seeking control freak and he should leave it to get over itself. 
   Or does he live in a logic vacuum?</div></div>

This.

Branleuse · 29/12/2020 13:21

your boyfriend sounds more manipulative than your kid tbh

TwentyViginti · 29/12/2020 13:22

He thinks his dick is more important than your daughter.

TwentyViginti · 29/12/2020 13:23

Well, his dick and his dog Grin

Crystal90567 · 29/12/2020 13:38

Put your daughter first. Anxiety is not something you want to exacerbate.
A friend of mine thinks my daughter, who also has severe anxiety, is controlling. People have their own opinions but if it's a relationship then I would recommend putting your daughter first.

jimmyjammy001 · 29/12/2020 15:43

Your boyfriend should know his place that he will allways be second best to your children and they come first, he should of known that before he decided to get into a relationship with you.

Opentooffers · 29/12/2020 16:13

I think it's wise to consider both sides here. Could there be any truth to your DS putting a spanner in the works theory? Have your DC's met your BF? Do they get on? Have they shown any objection to him being on the scene at all?
I'm actually thinking that by 16 your DD should be able to cope with being at home overnight, especially as she has your DS around. My DS has had nights at home on his own for last few years as I work nights half the time, so no choice - well actually he asked me to not bother sorting my DB to come round anymore at night as he felt he was fine on his own, so it came from him, but he was only 14 at the time, with just the dog for company.

SandyY2K · 29/12/2020 16:58

The fact that it's taken 2 years for you to know this shows she's not trying to control you, otherwise you would have known before now.

The good thing is you've made changes as soon you found out.

Some 16 year olds will be fine with it...others not. My youngest is like your DD and I remember some years ago I reduced my working hours so she wouldn't be at home on her own after school.

di2004 · 29/12/2020 19:18

Your daughter comes first. She shouldn’t be on her own (even with her brother) in the house, her safety is priority before any man!

billy1966 · 30/12/2020 00:28

Good decision OP.

I would absolutely focus on your children.

Very young to be left twice a week overnight.

Anxiety at this age can become hugely debilitating.

Sounds like she has been trying to manage it for a while.

Good luck.Flowers

RAOK · 30/12/2020 00:34

Your children’s needs come first. He should never have expected you to leave them for two nights a week in the first place.

HollyGenneroMcClane · 30/12/2020 00:34

@Opentooffers

I think it's wise to consider both sides here. Could there be any truth to your DS putting a spanner in the works theory? Have your DC's met your BF? Do they get on? Have they shown any objection to him being on the scene at all? I'm actually thinking that by 16 your DD should be able to cope with being at home overnight, especially as she has your DS around. My DS has had nights at home on his own for last few years as I work nights half the time, so no choice - well actually he asked me to not bother sorting my DB to come round anymore at night as he felt he was fine on his own, so it came from him, but he was only 14 at the time, with just the dog for company.
You regularly left your 14 year old alone over night?! Wtf. That is not ok. You should not be giving advice as you have clearly no concept of appropriate behaviour.
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/12/2020 01:10

My DS is 20 and my younger DCs are 16 and 14. No way I’d be happy to leave them overnight regularly (as a one-off I know they’d be fine). At 16 they’re still children. At 18 they’re barely adults - and yes legally could live alone, but how many do these days?! Even at 20 my DS would go round trying to set fire to things, winding up his sister and harrasing the cats! They don’t NEED me here, but I feel much more comfortable being here than not overnight. There are lots of break ins in this area, especially around Xmas and I’d never forgive myself if something happened when I was getting my rocks off elsewhere.

My DP has two DCs also, and he seemed to think once his eldest was 16 (younger 13) they’d both be fine without him there. I disagree and said I didn’t want him to stay with me if it meant leaving his DC home alone. He gets their mum or nan to stay with them.

Apparently their mum’s BF has also said they’re fine alone and that she shouldn’t have to spend the night with them when DP is with me. He’s a knob and so is your (now ex) BF!

Original poster
JeffJen1234 · 30/12/2020 07:45

Thanks everyone for your replies. My boyfriend (now ex) phoned me last night to try to sort things out. He said I should take my daughter to the doctor and ask for antidepressants so I can sleep away again! He said if this didn't work we'd have to forget it as he wouldn't be happy. He then went on to run my son down... I am actually shocked that anyone could think this way! Obviously we no longer are in a relationship Angry

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 30/12/2020 07:49

So no concern from him about your daughter, just thinly veiled annoyance that her needs are limiting his access to you. You are very well shot of him.

PollyDarton1 · 30/12/2020 08:05

Out with the trash! Bless your poor daughter, hopefully she'll enjoy having her mum about a bit more!

shallbe · 30/12/2020 08:18

I think it's pretty awful you've been leaving your 15 year old, older brother or not, 2 nights a week for a year, I'm not surprised she's developed anxiety over it. That isn't responsible or appropriate, I think the relationship needs to end as he's clearly clouding your judgement as a parent.

Ineedteabags · 30/12/2020 12:05

@shallbe I dont think it's irresponsible to leave a 16 year old alone overnight especially with another sibling in the house too.
My DM went to another country for 2 weeks when I was 16, I was home alone and completely fine with it.
The OP's boyfriend was clearly a dick and of course considering the daughter's anxiety the OP understandably doesnt want to leave her alone at night now but I wouldn't go as far as calling it irresponsible in the first place.