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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This was my fault and I can’t stop tormenting myself

58 replies

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 18:51

Me and ex DP had been together two years. At the start, maybe six months in, I explained that I had been in a very abusive relationship and I wanted to take things slowly. He was very full on with me, or at least he was full on in the context of me wanting to take things slowly...so maybe just normal speed for anyone else! After a year I said to him that I really needed just a few months to have some therapy and some time to gather myself together and then I would be in the best place to continue our relationship, which I emphasised to him I really loved and didn’t want to lose. He was angry, upset, a bit rude to me, said I had issues and he didn’t want all this drama, said he thought I was weird etc, then he calmed down and was massively apologetic and said he would give me the time I needed and that we would keep in touch. He was nothing but wonderful to me when we were together and I think understandably he felt aggrieved that I needed this space. I would have felt the same as we really did have a fantastic thing between us. The reason I wanted this time was I knew how serious me and dp were and I felt if I didn’t have it then I never would. My head was a mess. I told him I wouldn’t be dating anyone and that equally I was asking a lot of him so wouldn’t expect him not to date or whatever if he wanted to. We kept in touch

Six months later we got back together. Things were better than ever and we moved in and talked about getting engaged. I was blissfully happy and so was he. Next thing I know he confesses that he slept with someone ‘on and off’ in the six months we had apart and she is pregnant. I broke things off and he didn’t put up a fight or ask me to stay except to get cross with me and say that i made my bed so I need to lie in it and I’d ruined things between me and him, it was on me. It was all horrible. He didn’t know this person, met her online. So it’s a year later and for the first time in months I’ve looked him up online and he’s with her and they seem to live together, she’s not posted pics of him and her but lots of her with the child and in the house or same street etc. I keep beating myself up about the break I asked for and how really this was my fault. I’ve not met anyone since and have been dating but he really was the most amazing relationship I’ve ever had. I feel like I’ve lost the right one for me and also feel a bit blindsided that it looks like he’s started a relationship with her and just swapped me for her just like that. I’m tormenting myself a bit tonight. Any advice anyone? Just want to forget I ever met him and I can’t seem to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:12

Anyone? My mind is spiralling :(

OP posts:
ScottishBetty · 27/12/2020 19:13

This is so NOT your fault. You needed the time and you were open and honest with him and he was dishonest with you, go figure. Honestly I'm so sick of reading about men being total wankers on this site and women beating themselves up about it ☹️ I'm really sorry you're still upset about the breakup but it sounds like you dodged a bullet. He got upset with you when you asked for space and then restored to gaslighting and blaming you when it transpired that he'd knocked someone up. He doesn't sound all that. Please stop blaming yourself and wondering 'what if' and try to move on from him ❤️

Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2020 19:18

You are torturing yourself. You needed space and explained why. Instead of accepting that like a grown up he insulted you and found someone else to fill his time with. You did not cause him to do that, he chose to do it. Likewise I'm presuming the lack of contraception? His choice.

You are wasting your life here. He is not worth it, no matter how nice he was at the start.

Give yourself a break and move forward with your life x

Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:19

@ScottishBetty thanks for replying. I’m such a mess tonight. Hadn’t looked at his social media for nearly a year but caved tonight. I’ve blocked him again now.

The thing is he can’t be all that bad as he’s clearly stuck around for this lady. I just wish I had stuck it out when I was struggling and trusted in the relationship. I just couldn’t and I wasn’t fully honest with him as to why, I just said I had had a previously abusive relationship and I just wanted a bit of time to sort myself out and that I would not be dating anyone else, this was all for me to sort myself out and be the best version I could be for us. I can’t see that he is in the wrong and the fact he’s managed to be with someone from the off of a short one off relationship he ended when we got back together makes me feel like he was the prize here really. He’s clearly managing to make it work with her in some way so all the love and affection he poured into us also meant nothing. I’m just torn up. Nobody has come close to how well he treated me since we ended.

OP posts:
Aliceinunderland · 27/12/2020 19:19

I don't think he was as amazing as you think. He doesn't sound like he respected your boundaries and then wasn't honest until he absolutely had to be that he had a child on the way. Block him and her on social media, be kind to yourself and maybe look at doing some courses like the freedom programme that will help you to form a healthy relationship in the future.
Any relationship hurts when it's over but you can and will get over it with time and patience.

category12 · 27/12/2020 19:20

It doesn't sound that amazing if he continued to push and fast-forward things despite you asking for a slow pace in the relationship.

And he has moved on rapidly as if you were interchangeable with any woman, so obviously it didn't go that deep with him. I think he just wanted someone to fit that role in his life.

Overall, I think it's a bullet dodged, and you did the right thing stepping back when you needed to. There are other men, good men, out there. What's for you won't go by you. Flowers

Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:23

@category12 I think it’s true he’s now found an alternative to fill his life. But then that makes me sad as well because it could have been us if I’d got myself together sooner. The only times he wasn’t that nice to me was as I’ve said in my OP. He was totally amazing the rest of the time and good to me. Nobody has been like that since. I feel like I lost the one person who was right for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:24

@category12 I wanted all this with him, that’s the thing. I would have loved all of that. I don’t know how he’s jumped into a full on relationship which is seemingly successful from the Facebook posts and it just makes me feel like he was a catch and I wasn’t.

OP posts:
Aknifewith16blades · 27/12/2020 19:24

OP, I have whiplash from you saying 'He was nothing but wonderful to me when we were together' immediately after explaining how he went faster than you wanted, gave you loads of grief when you sensibly wanted some time out of the relationship to work on yourself.

You seem very sensible, have made lots of good choices and frankly are well-rid of him.

Have you come across the shark-cage article? He sounds like a shark, while you sound like someone doing a great job of building up their cage. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

category12 · 27/12/2020 19:27

You know from the work you've done on yourself that love-bombing and fast-forwarding in relationships are red flags, right?

Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:28

@Aknifewith16blades thanks for the link. Your post made me laugh with the opening comment Smile

I think it’s the fact he’s now seemingly settled down so instantly with someone he didn’t even know properly. It makes me think he was actually a great guy and he was easy going and this next lady was clearly happy to have him back. She wouldn’t have done that if he was a monster.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:28

@category12 yes exactly and that’s why I was a bit wary at the start of us. But the thing is he’s with her now and made a go of it, a year later they’re still together. So that just tells me he wasn’t bad

OP posts:
category12 · 27/12/2020 19:31

It makes me think he was actually a great guy and he was easy going and this next lady was clearly happy to have him back. She wouldn’t have done that if he was a monster

Don't be daft, that's not how it works, is it? If abusive men were obviously monsters all the time no woman would ever bother getting into relationships with them in the first place.

category12 · 27/12/2020 19:32

Women often stay for years and years in abusive situations.

Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:33

@category12 I just think that he wasn’t actually a bad person at all, he was just really keen on me and wanted us to be together. I had trouble separating that after my abusive relationship but I honestly don’t think he was anywhere near like the man before him. I just had my defences up. He’s done the right thing with this lady and she is smiling away in all her photos.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:34

What if I always feel like this, like he was the right one and whoever I’m with next will never match it

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2020 19:36

If you think no one will ever match him, you need to raise the bar significantly.

Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:37

Nobody has before or since @Windmillwhirl and I’m 35 now. I’m worried I messed up the one good thing.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/12/2020 19:39

Everyone smiles in social media pictures.

You really need to stop making believe about this guy. It didn't work out, you backed off for good reasons. He moved on, you need to as well.

And I think you might find more therapy, the Freedom Programme and some ongoing support beneficial.

DrizzleandDamp · 27/12/2020 19:46

I don’t think you were wrong here and I do think you need to move on, you had good boundaries and recognised what you needed to be in the right place.

But I also don’t agree with bashing this man. You asked for 6 months out from what was a fairly short relationship, I honestly think if he’d posted at the time we would have been telling him to take you at your word and date others rather than waiting for someone to “be in the right place”. It was fair for you to ask but it was equally fair for him to date others not wait for something that may not happen.

There is no fault here, no one to “blame”, he’s happy, now it’s your turn Flowers

Original poster
Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 19:46

I will look up the freedom programme thank you

OP posts:
titsaleena · 27/12/2020 19:47

Most of what you see on social media isn’t real. But would it make you feel better if he seemed unhappy and a shit dad?

The whole concept of ‘the one’ is bollocks imo. You will meet someone else op, I know it doesn’t feel like it now. Being in a relationship when your head isn’t straight is a bad idea, and you knew that. Trust yourself, be your own best friend right now. He doesn’t sound great tbh.

Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2020 19:49

The one good one would have respected your decision for space. I doubt it was a decision you took lightly. He jumped straight in with someone else. I'm not saying he should not have moved on if he wanted to, but he was not honest with you.

Dery · 27/12/2020 20:02

Have you posted about this before, OP? The story sounds familiar. Sorry to hear you’re still struggling. But the truth is - if he had been right for you, he would have slowed down and he would have waited but he was off having unprotected sex with another woman. In time, you will realise that he wouldn’t have done that if he had been a good partner for you.

HmmSureJan · 27/12/2020 20:02

Sorry but I don't think he's done anything wrong. I'd be pissed off and hurt if my relationship was going as brilliantly as you say and the other person suddenly decided to take some time for themselves, just because. That's a break up. Also how would I know he's not going to do it again once I reinvested in it. I'd never let myself bond again, just in case. If you were that into him you'd never have taken a break. He clearly just wasn't that into it second time round and I don't blame him. You didn't do anything wrong either though. You weren't feeling it so took a break and that's fine. It clearly wasn't right for you at the time. He's not the one. It's just a relationship attempt that didn't work out.