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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This was my fault and I can’t stop tormenting myself

58 replies

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 18:51

Me and ex DP had been together two years. At the start, maybe six months in, I explained that I had been in a very abusive relationship and I wanted to take things slowly. He was very full on with me, or at least he was full on in the context of me wanting to take things slowly...so maybe just normal speed for anyone else! After a year I said to him that I really needed just a few months to have some therapy and some time to gather myself together and then I would be in the best place to continue our relationship, which I emphasised to him I really loved and didn’t want to lose. He was angry, upset, a bit rude to me, said I had issues and he didn’t want all this drama, said he thought I was weird etc, then he calmed down and was massively apologetic and said he would give me the time I needed and that we would keep in touch. He was nothing but wonderful to me when we were together and I think understandably he felt aggrieved that I needed this space. I would have felt the same as we really did have a fantastic thing between us. The reason I wanted this time was I knew how serious me and dp were and I felt if I didn’t have it then I never would. My head was a mess. I told him I wouldn’t be dating anyone and that equally I was asking a lot of him so wouldn’t expect him not to date or whatever if he wanted to. We kept in touch

Six months later we got back together. Things were better than ever and we moved in and talked about getting engaged. I was blissfully happy and so was he. Next thing I know he confesses that he slept with someone ‘on and off’ in the six months we had apart and she is pregnant. I broke things off and he didn’t put up a fight or ask me to stay except to get cross with me and say that i made my bed so I need to lie in it and I’d ruined things between me and him, it was on me. It was all horrible. He didn’t know this person, met her online. So it’s a year later and for the first time in months I’ve looked him up online and he’s with her and they seem to live together, she’s not posted pics of him and her but lots of her with the child and in the house or same street etc. I keep beating myself up about the break I asked for and how really this was my fault. I’ve not met anyone since and have been dating but he really was the most amazing relationship I’ve ever had. I feel like I’ve lost the right one for me and also feel a bit blindsided that it looks like he’s started a relationship with her and just swapped me for her just like that. I’m tormenting myself a bit tonight. Any advice anyone? Just want to forget I ever met him and I can’t seem to.

OP posts:

yellowhighheels · 27/12/2020 20:04

Sounds as though he wasn't particularly nice to you at crucial points in the relationship when setting your boundaries, such as saying you needed to slow down and then take time out to reconcile your abusive past.

However, after 6 months break from a 12 month relationship, and you saying you didn't expect him not to see others, I don't think he was in the wrong for dating others and an unexpected pregnancy happening (could have been a contraception mishap).

OP, I don't think it is your fault that you haven't ended up together, inasmuch as you did anything wrong. The timing just wasn't right. You needed that space. Also, tbh, from the things he said to you, I think you may be remembering him as a rather better partner than he really was. An 'amazing' man would not have called you weird, dramatic etc for needing to take time out to deal with an abusive past, or blame you for things ending when he had got another woman pregnant, even if he was disappointed.

Try and avoid social media, get back out there dating when you can and try not to build this man up into something he wasn't in your imagination.

ScottishBetty · 27/12/2020 20:18

[quote Fetters12]@Aknifewith16blades thanks for the link. Your post made me laugh with the opening comment

I think it’s the fact he’s now seemingly settled down so instantly with someone he didn’t even know properly. It makes me think he was actually a great guy and he was easy going and this next lady was clearly happy to have him back. She wouldn’t have done that if he was a monster.[/quote]
Woah! Some of the biggest shits I know have partners. It doesn't say anything at all just because someone has stuck with him 😄 Things might be great between them but he might badly let her down when she needs him most. Or perhaps her hour of need never arrives and she thinks he's great forever. Point is he let YOU down, therefore he's not the one for you. Also, remember you can't tell anything about how happy someone is from their social media - people only show the good stuff!

SaltyAF · 27/12/2020 20:23

I don't think either of you were in the wrong. You were just both on different pages with regards to how much you wanted from a relationship when you first fit together. At least he's there for his child.

Djouce · 27/12/2020 20:26

@DrizzleandDamp

I don’t think you were wrong here and I do think you need to move on, you had good boundaries and recognised what you needed to be in the right place.

But I also don’t agree with bashing this man. You asked for 6 months out from what was a fairly short relationship, I honestly think if he’d posted at the time we would have been telling him to take you at your word and date others rather than waiting for someone to “be in the right place”. It was fair for you to ask but it was equally fair for him to date others not wait for something that may not happen.

There is no fault here, no one to “blame”, he’s happy, now it’s your turn

Yes, this. No one is at fault, particularly. You recognised that you can’t expect someone to wait around indefinitely while you get your head together, and he happened to impregnate someone else during the time you were apart. You can’t know what would have happened had you stayed together while you had therapy. He might have got tired of a slow pace, you might have ditched him as a distraction from getting your head together. Had the pregnancy not happened, you might have stayed together, you might not. There are no guarantees.

It does seem to me a slightly presumptuous move on your part to take time out for therapy when you say the therapy was intended to improve your relationship — it sounds as if you were assuming you could have him back when you were ready, and not really allowing for the fact that you can’t freeze time?

LNSL · 27/12/2020 20:29

I think you need to forget him. You wanted a time out. I don't blame him for seeing someone else during that time. He was probably very hurt. Put him out of your mind now.

Original poster

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 20:38

I know and I don’t blame him for being hurt, I get it. Him saying I had made my bed and that I ruined things between us has really stuck in my mind. I go over that often and given he’s now bounced into something with ease it’s obvious I was the problem and it’s why I’m alone.

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 27/12/2020 20:40

He wasn't quite the catch you thought after all... blaming everything on you was pretty nasty way of refusing to accept what he did.. and he is trapped.. by his one night stand... let him wallow... you will find someone worthy my lovely

p.s. you will usually find everything is never a rosy as FB would have you believe ... ever

Sssloou · 27/12/2020 20:41

I am confused by the timings - you say you were together 2 years - but ended the RS after one year - had 6 months off and then got back together.....

When did he tell you she was pregnant?

Original poster

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 20:42

@BlueThistles that’s the thing though, even if he did lash out as he felt trapped, he’s clearly made it work which goes to show he’s decent.

Argh my head is spinning. I really wish I hadn’t met him. I’ve really not met anyone like him before or since.

OP posts:

category12 · 27/12/2020 20:43

I go over that often and given he’s now bounced into something with ease it’s obvious I was the problem and it’s why I’m alone.

Or he's about as deep as a puddle.

Original poster

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 20:44

@Sssloou I think around 5 months later and I left him a couple of weeks after that. It feels like ages ago now yet I wish I could just go back and not take the break.

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2020 20:46

He was not nice. You were vulnerable.

If he'd really liked you he would not have tried to fill the gap. Nice guys wait.

Sorry, but you are fixating on a nanosecond you thought he was perfect. He was never perfect.

Sssloou · 27/12/2020 20:47

How long had he known she was pregnant before he told you? Are you clear on the dates - could she have got pregnant when he was back with you?

Original poster

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 20:48

@Tistheseason17 I did ask initially for a few weeks of just less chatting in the evenings and perhaps meeting every other weekend instead of every weekend. He was understandably hurt by this and even when it was attempted it didn’t work as he would end up wanting to speak and getting annoyed and upset if I didn’t. That’s when I made it clear we should just have some complete alone time. But obviously it hurt him and he just wanted to make it work :(

OP posts:

SaltyAF · 27/12/2020 20:50

He is getting a really rough ride here. The OP didn't want to see him so he saw someone else. It's not as if it happened over the course of a week.

Honeyroar · 27/12/2020 20:52

He doesn’t sound as bad as people are making him out on here. He wanted the relationship, you weren’t ready. He gave you the space when you asked for a break. It’s not fair to expect someone to be celibate for six months while you make up your mind. He had a fling. When you finished it again he snapped at you, and now he’s gone back to her. You just weren’t on the same page as each other.

Original poster

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 20:54

@Honeyroar I didn’t finish it again. I had no choice, I left it open to him to work something out together and he just snapped at me and said it was all my fault. I agree though he was free to do what he liked.

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 27/12/2020 20:57

This wasn't anyone's fault, OP. It just wasn't meant to be.

Hopefully soon you'll meet someone who helps you realise that.

You 100% can't change the past, but you can focus on the future.

Pastryapronsucks · 27/12/2020 21:10

Some people need the adoration of others to feel good about themselves. My partner of 18 years (at the time) was unfaithful to me when I was suffering from PND, he didn't feel loved and wanted😳

I think you have dodged a bullet hear. If he genuinely loved you he would have waited, but he didn't. When he confessed to his child, instead of allowing your anger and hurt, and trying to make amends he flits of to someone who 'needs' him.

Who knows a time may come when the new lady needs someone to have her back and he will be off again.

BillMasen · 27/12/2020 21:10

@Tistheseason17

He was not nice. You were vulnerable.

If he'd really liked you he would not have tried to fill the gap. Nice guys wait.

Sorry, but you are fixating on a nanosecond you thought he was perfect. He was never perfect.

Nice guys wait?

Seriously, you think he should have accepted being dumped and waited around in case she decided to carry on?

Would you advise a woman in the same position to “just wait”. I really don’t believe you would.

CharlotteRose90 · 27/12/2020 21:12

He just wasn’t the right guy for you. Doesn’t mean he’s a monster but he met someone else during your break, she fell pregnant and they’ve decided to make it work as a family. You will meet the right guy eventually just have to get out there.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2020 21:47

Seriously, you think he should have accepted being dumped and waited around in case she decided to carry on

He was not dumped - OP gave him her reasons for needing space and therapy which he said he accepted... but he went and shagged someone else straight away. He was not a nice guy.

Original poster

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 21:52

I’m not disputing that it would have been hurtful for him. I would have reacted the same I expect. But I didn’t just dump him. I tried initially to just tone down how much contact we had. It wasn’t ideal and I wouldn’t have liked it the other way round. I’m just sad it happened how it did.

OP posts:

BillMasen · 27/12/2020 22:03

@Tistheseason17

Seriously, you think he should have accepted being dumped and waited around in case she decided to carry on

He was not dumped - OP gave him her reasons for needing space and therapy which he said he accepted... but he went and shagged someone else straight away. He was not a nice guy.

She decided to have a break “to see how she felt about him”. Not his choice. He was free to see other people so in my book has done nothing wrong.

How would you advise a woman in his position? Wait around, he’ll have you back?

BillMasen · 27/12/2020 22:06

@Fetters12

I know you’re feeling down, but this bit feels cruel. You tried to tone down contact (so basically left him hanging or were blowing hot and cold) befor deciding you wanted space.

If you were a man you’d be getting a much harder time.

I think he’s only getting bashed because he’s a bloke. He’s done nothing wrong

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