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Original poster

How often do you argue with your OH?

82 replies

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 27/12/2020 18:13

My OH and I have been together for two and a half years. We don't live together. We get on really well but every once in a while we have an argument. We probably have an argument every six weeks or so. Not a full blown one because we both choose to cool off and go back to it later when we can discuss it without arguing. I'm wondering if this is too often. They are usually minor things but I am very hot headed whereas OH doesn't like confrontation. This drives me even madder because I want to discuss stuff. I just wanted to get an idea whether expecting a relationship where you rarely argue is unrealistic.

OP posts:
evenBetter · 28/12/2020 17:13

I don’t understand from your examples what your fighting about. The NYE thing-ok, stay at your own house, he’s not bothered either way.
Food-order what you want for your own house.
The only point of a relationship is that it’s meant to be fun, it’s meant to enhance your life.

DownstairsMixUp · 28/12/2020 17:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

evenBetter · 28/12/2020 17:20

I’ve been with my husband for just under twenty years and we don’t argue. I don’t argue, it’s not something I would consider doing, for anyone, and me and my husband like each other, there’s nothing we disagree on to the extent that we’d want to fight each other. I can’t understand anyone who chooses to live a combative life, or who loves drama, just fuckin chill out and enjoy life.

Lulu1919 · 28/12/2020 17:33

Rarely
Can't remember last time we argued....

MilkshakeandChips5 · 28/12/2020 18:53

I've been with my OH for 11 years. We used to argue a lot. Rarely seriously but we came from different backgrounds with very different views and communication approaches (his parents NEVER argued and my parents regularly screamed at each other). We adore each other. He's my best friend and a wonderful husband but we have had to work on our communication. He's better at recognising his stressors and I've learnt a lot about picking my battles and walking away from the small things. I don't think arguing is a deal breaker. Our relationship feels like it's getting stronger as we grow together. We bicker and get frustrated particularly when we're tired and stressed but I think being irritated by a situation or a specific moment is very different than "arguing".

Wallywobbles · 28/12/2020 18:58

All our arguments are about are respective teens. That said we really don't argue as such. We've raised voices a few times but it's rare. Only 7 years in. Kids will start leaving home in a couple of years. Arguments should disappear with them in our case.

Woodlandbelle · 28/12/2020 19:02

About once a year now. It was more at the start. I used to make my point but saying it and dh would be all high and mighty and cool

So now I tend to get in the car and leave him to it and I go for a coffee or something. Ides probably not the right way but otherwise I say things I regret. Like tonight after I cook everyday at 6pm the kids say they are hungry and I walked off down to the room. He doesn't know what to make for them. That type of thing.

SimonJT · 28/12/2020 23:24

Neither of us are shouty or arguey people.

We do whinge and have the odd bicker, but we’re able to discuss what is annoying us and why so no one is left angry or upset. We are both very direct, which may seem cold or even rude, but it works for both of us.

blissfullyignorantorinpain · 28/12/2020 23:29

These replies are SO interesting. Me and DH argue quite badly once a month. And I can track it to my cycle!!! It's beginning to really affect us.

Normandy144 · 28/12/2020 23:43

The examples sound like really petty things. Just tell him to come to yours on NYE as you can't get a dog sitter. Regarding food, just order what you like and don't even comment on it. If he says what is for dinner just say, "oh I got us some pizza or thought I'd cook a curry". He doesn't really need to pre order and as another poster said, if you decide to go for take away, is it the end if the world.
As for tradespeople, I would just tell him when the appointment is and hope he can make it. Make a note of any questions and get him to follow up on the phone. None of your situations are really argument worthy in my opinion.

Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 29/12/2020 16:01

Just to clarify something - I'm calling them arguments because we are discussing stuff we don't agree on but we are not shouting at each other, swearing or calling each other names. But it's a bit of a back and forth of he replies, I counter reply and so on. Which could escalate but we don't let it. However I do get annoyed because I'm not as easy going as my OH is.

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 29/12/2020 16:18

With both my ex’s arguments were all day every day. I’m talking screaming rows that would leave me confused and not knowing which way was up and which was down and physical abuse with my first ex (him to me) some intervention from women’s aid and one freedom program later and I now know I was in two back to back abusive relationships.

I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship and not be on eggshells waiting for the next row to start.

Everyone’s relationships sound so lovely and healthy, I want that for myself one day.

vanillandhoney · 29/12/2020 16:43

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

Just to clarify something - I'm calling them arguments because we are discussing stuff we don't agree on but we are not shouting at each other, swearing or calling each other names. But it's a bit of a back and forth of he replies, I counter reply and so on. Which could escalate but we don't let it. However I do get annoyed because I'm not as easy going as my OH is.
They're not arguments then, are they? Confused

DH and I often disagree on things, but I don't refer to those conversations as arguments. Surely you're just having normal conversations or discussions?

MiddlesexGirl · 29/12/2020 16:45

Never. Rarely bicker either. But that doesn't mean we're happily married - just that we're mostly on the same page about things, neither of us is the arguing type and we're both pretty good at agreeing compromises.

MiddlesexGirl · 29/12/2020 16:51

Given your update and that you don't live together, I think you should be acting more independently.
So NYE - he's left it too late to get a pet sitter so you will be staying at yours.
Food - just buy in what you want. If he doesn't like it he pays.
Tradespeople - that's on you. You don't need him there.

vanillandhoney · 29/12/2020 16:52

@MiddlesexGirl

Given your update and that you don't live together, I think you should be acting more independently. So NYE - he's left it too late to get a pet sitter so you will be staying at yours. Food - just buy in what you want. If he doesn't like it he pays. Tradespeople - that's on you. You don't need him there.
Very well said, imo.
VivaMiltonKeynes · 29/12/2020 16:54

@Rollingpiglet

You do sound very different to each other.
Nonsense . It's give and take . My H was the last minute person and he has learned to compromise Grin
Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 29/12/2020 16:57

@vanillandhoney I'm not sure hence why I provided more info. I call them arguments because with a discussion there is usually more 'conversation' - with an argument it is more comment and retort I believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 29/12/2020 16:59

@MiddlesexGirl

Given your update and that you don't live together, I think you should be acting more independently. So NYE - he's left it too late to get a pet sitter so you will be staying at yours. Food - just buy in what you want. If he doesn't like it he pays. Tradespeople - that's on you. You don't need him there.
I agree but:

NYE: I would have to then put it to him as a fait accompli and it would make me sound unreasonable for just deciding for us both, I think.

Food: I'm trying to be nice and get in stuff we both want to eat

Tradespeople: he is one and is very handy generally so knows much better than me what questions to ask. I can certainly hold my own but he regularly asks questions I wouldn't have thought of (and often have no idea what they are talking about because it's too 'technical')

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nanbread · 29/12/2020 17:00

We came from different backgrounds with very different views and communication approaches (his parents NEVER argued and my parents regularly screamed at each other). We adore each other. He's my best friend and a wonderful husband but we have had to work on our communication. He's better at recognising his stressors and I've learnt a lot about picking my battles and walking away from the small things. I don't think arguing is a deal breaker. Our relationship feels like it's getting stronger as we grow together. We bicker and get frustrated particularly when we're tired and stressed but I think being irritated by a situation or a specific moment is very different than "arguing".

This sounds a lot like us. Very different upbringings and communication styles. We can go ages without any bickering or arguing, but the hardest thing is unpicking our learned unhealthy habits in communication and showing each other grace and understanding.

I don't think disagreement / arguing is a sign of a bad marriage, but maybe the way couples deal with those arguments is?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 29/12/2020 17:00

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

Just to clarify something - I'm calling them arguments because we are discussing stuff we don't agree on but we are not shouting at each other, swearing or calling each other names. But it's a bit of a back and forth of he replies, I counter reply and so on. Which could escalate but we don't let it. However I do get annoyed because I'm not as easy going as my OH is.
You need to realise that you can have differences of opinion yet you can still love each other . People who say they never argue ? Hmm ... Regarding the thing you mentioned you both need to learn to compromise on it but you're a fair way in . This was resolved by myself and H about 6 months in . Are you thinking about moving in together ?
nanbread · 29/12/2020 17:04

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

Some of your posts really remind me of us, in that we both wanted to consider the other in our decision making and as a result we'd get frustrated and resentful and making decisions became painful.

You can still be considerate but more decisive.

Soinstead of saying "do you want pizza or curry?" and getting annoyed if you don't get an answer, you could say, "I'm gonna get pizza for Saturday. That ok?"

Or instead of, shall we stay at yours or mine for Nye?

"If it's ok with you can we stay at mine for Nye as I won't need a sitter for the pets that way? No worries if you have to work"

meow1989 · 29/12/2020 17:05

Not for the last 6-7 years at least (together nearly 14)... we do occasionally snip at each other or bicker ( maybe once every couple of months) but we are pretty harmonious in general.

Once every 6 weeks would have me considering moving on.

Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 29/12/2020 17:07

@VivaMiltonKeynes No plans to move in together. We both love our homes (he lives in a big city, I don't - so we have the best of both worlds) and are happy to see each other half of the week or so, go on holiday together, to go my second home, etc. I don't think I'd want to live with anyone again to be honest. I may change my mind in future but, right now, I think we have a great balance (and when we do see each other it's great, possibly because we don't live together).

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Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 29/12/2020 17:09

@nanbread Good suggestions - I just like giving him the option to choose. But it seems that becomes an issue because choosing is not something he does! At least not until the last minute. His whole family, and ex wife, have always made all the decisions in fact and he just went along with it. I think I may have to start following suit and if he doesn't he can speak up.

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