How often do you argue with your OH?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

My OH and I have been together for two and a half years. We don't live together. We get on really well but every once in a while we have an argument. We probably have an argument every six weeks or so. Not a full blown one because we both choose to cool off and go back to it later when we can discuss it without arguing. I'm wondering if this is too often. They are usually minor things but I am very hot headed whereas OH doesn't like confrontation. This drives me even madder because I want to discuss stuff. I just wanted to get an idea whether expecting a relationship where you rarely argue is unrealistic.

Only one proper, yelling, furious argument in a decade-ish. I can't even remember what it was about.

Obviously there are spiky moods and pointed words here and there but I find that turning a bad tempered disagreement into A Row is a choice. Maybe because we're both conflict-averse (at home, anyway) but we both consistently - in my case consciously - avoid saying the thing that will ratchet up the drama.

Also, never going to bed angry with each other - that's also a choice.

In previous relationships both of us dropped dramatic, "passionate" exes like a stone the minute it became apparent they thrived on emotional rollercoasters. A priority for me was a relationship with as little drama as possible.

We have disagreements but not proper shouty arguments. If either of us find ourselves starting to get a bit het up we take a breather and come back to it as we wouldn’t want to say something hurtful in anger and we don’t like shouting,

If something comes up more than once we try and find a new way of approaching it so it’s not a problem in future and try and see it as the two of us against the problem rather than us being on opposing side. E.g when x is happening I react this way and he reacts this way which cause tension. Since it’s hard for us to change our personalities, what’s the easiest way we can resolve the tension or understand each other when that happens?

Together 8 years, married 2, we've never had an argument. If he upsets or annoys me i let him know and he stops. And vice versa. If we disagree, we discuss it.

A relationship where you regularly need "cooling off periods" after actual arguments is not a good one, IMO.

I suppose it depends on what you mean by an argument really. We have had discussions to resolve a tricky issue which have been frustrating in the middle of it but we don't raise voices or snap or call each other names.

It's not always been easy as DP is not DC father and we've had serious health issues and the impact of the fact im divorced and exdh is around. These haven't been arguments but where there has been an issue and hashed it out.

Probably once every 3 months I am the more hot headed one and will snap a quick reply to which I get a raised eyebrow and I generally apologise because I am aware I can be sharp. To be fair after the raised eyebrow he usually resolves whatever I've snapped about or I ask more nicely.

I don't entirely think there is a right or wrong as long as it's not abusive. Couples resolve issues in different ways. We are just feeling old and tired so really don't have the energy for full blown arguments.

No we don't raise voices or call each other names, never. But I won't let something go just because he doesn't want to discuss it. And if I feel his points are wrong I will shoot every point down. Which can come across as being hard but it's my way of addressing things. I don't know how else you are supposed to do that if not by providing your view on what the other person is saying. However it does come across as harsh when they keep on coming up with things and you have something to say back. I am aware of that. But short of just brushing it under the carpet, how do you talk things out? Anyone else here in a couple where one person is hot headed and the other doesn't like confrontation?

I don't really understand what you're finding to argue about so much, though? Could you give an example of the sort of thing it's about?

@ducktales1986

I'm really surprised by everyone on here saying they never argue! I argue with my DH all the time, at least once a week, probably more. We've been together 15 years and married 8. Our relationship is good.

I was worried it was just us for a minute there!

We disagree almost daily and have a shouty argument about once a month.
We've always been like that (20 years). We get over it as quickly as it starts though and don't let things fester.

It sounds like you don't feel like he hears you so you push and push for a reaction. There's also the desire to be right. Shooting down his points and 'winning' the argument won't actually make you feel any better. It's about compromise and if you really feel like he doesn't understand you, it's probably not the right relationship.

Me and my now exDH never argued but that wasn't necessarily a good thing either. We did bicker. But we never could see each other's point of view because it became clear further into the relationship that we had big fundamental differences.

Me and DP never really argue, we may bicker now and then but that’s usually when we are tired/cranky. We are mindful that we need to nip things in the bud and talk about things if we have something that is bugging us so I guess we don’t let things escalate. We’ve been together 6 years so hopefully it won’t change!

Also I think we are quite similar people and I guess you have to weigh up if you think something is really worth an argument? He’s not perfect and neither am I but I just think you have to pick your battles and it’s not worth arguing over minor annoyances.

Just over 6 years with DP. We've argued maybe 3 times. I can't even recall when the last argument was. I was in a very argumentative relationship previously (we also didn't live together) and when that ended I swore to myself I would never, ever get into such a relationship again. It's negative and stressful, just wears you down. Life's too short.

We bicker maybe weekly 'oh ffs will you stop leaving your socks over there' 'well if id laid in bed for 3 hours this morning like you then x y z wouldn't get done' but they're always passing comments and gone quicker than they began. In 10 years i can count on 1 hand the number of actual, raised voice, really cross arguments weve had.

We once had a major argument about 18 years ago. Since then we have a bit of a disagreement about opinions maybe once a year.

OP can you give us a specific example? It sounds so far like you are making arguments out of trivial things (whose house to sleep at!). And when you shoot down what he is saying...are these things actually factually incorrect or just his opinion that you don't like? And why is your way of having things planned so much better then his carefree last minute decision making? I'm not meaning to sound harsh btw, it just sounds like you don't like compromise and perhaps need to look at things from your DP's point of view.

It interesting that loads of pp's are saying they rarely argue. Yet mumsnet is full of women saying they constantly bicker with their oh. Especially when young children are involved.

So I wonder what and argument actually means? What is an actual argument and what is a bicker or disagreement?

@GooseFat

OP can you give us a specific example? It sounds so far like you are making arguments out of trivial things (whose house to sleep at!). And when you shoot down what he is saying...are these things actually factually incorrect or just his opinion that you don't like? And why is your way of having things planned so much better then his carefree last minute decision making? I'm not meaning to sound harsh btw, it just sounds like you don't like compromise and perhaps need to look at things from your DP's point of view.

For example - NYE. I need to know where we are staying because if we are staying at his I need to get someone in to look after my pets. I can't just find someone at the last minute. However he is not sure whether he needs/wants to work (he's self employed) on 31st (during the day) so won't commit to a decision. His thinking is that I'll just find someone who's not booked yet. I well might but I would much rather ask someone now.

Or choosing what to eat at the weekend - I shop online so stuff gets delivered - that means I need to know in advance whether we want pizza, curry, etc because I need to buy that stuff. I don't have enough fridge/freezer space to buy one of each and then choose. But he won't make a choice - but then if I get say, pizza, he might not necessarily run with it but will instead say he fancies curry and get a takeaway.

Or if we need a trade to come over to mine to look at a job, and I'd like OH to be here because he may know more about X than I do, he won't tell me when he can come over even though I need to make an appointment with the trade person.

So nothing is a deal breaker but I can't see why he can't just give me an answer out of laziness when knowing would give me peace of mind. I don't think I'm asking him to make big decisions...

OP in a case like the NYE example you have given, I would simply tell him that if he doesn’t make a decision by X date you will be staying at yours as you are not prepared to rush around organising a sitter at the last minute. Done. You can’t force him to change but you can change how you react to it.

From your update it seems like it might be a specific compatibility issue that goes deeper than just being argumentative?

Him being self-employed is important - I'm self-employed and when I first got together with DP he got annoyed a lot at what he perceived to be my flakiness/inability to commit to times and dates. His job ends when his workday finishes and he didn't understand that my work expanded/contracted somewhat unpredictably. When you're self-employed you have to be flexible, willing to drop things to work at the last minute, and the work only ends when it's done. When you're self-employed and single you get VERY used to arranging your schedule without anyone else in mind.

We learned to compromise but that didn't happen overnight!

I can see exactly where you're coming from in terms of needing to know definitive plans as far in advance as possible. I can also see where he's coming from in terms of keeping things loose and flexible until the last minute. As a SE person it's really, really hard to let go of the guilt that you should be working all the time, and thus really hard to commit to a definitive time when you're not.

I'd sit down with him in a moment when you're NOT arguing about a specific plan, and talk about how to get past this with compromises on both sides. Use a calendar or a tool like whenshallwe.com so he can give you a range of dates he can be free - when DP did this to me it helped focus my mind into realising I had to commit and carve out time for him. Pick your battles - there are some times when being organised in advance is more important than others.

Me and my exH every single day. With my now OH we've never argued. We maybe have a slight disagreement over something and it's usually me that gets a bit huffy. Usually over asking something via a text and it taking about 20 messages of repeated asking until I get an answer. He says he can work out if I'm huffy cos I cut the last 5 of my X's off his texts or Skypes

Been married over 20 years. We don't have arguments as in yell at each other but we do sometimes disagree on issues eg best way to deal with something re one of the children and we talk it out and come up with a plan.

I used to be like you describe yourself. Short fuse. Oh I went off on one regularly 😳 back then.

As I've got older I really can't be arsed. Maybe you'll be the same. 😁

We bicker once or twice a week but we only have really shouty arguments with us both in tears maybe once a year (if that) and they usually last less than 24 hours. My DS and her partner have awful arguments on an almost daily basis

We never used to argue. The last 2 years we argue constantly. I keep thinking it's going to get better but maybe it's not.

22 years together and hardly ever have a disagreement let alone an argument. I can remember the last one which was last Feb. I’d gone to a lot of trouble for his birthday and was stressing over one arrangement
DH “ Will you just stop going on about it?”
Me ( raised voice) : If we don’t sort it today then xyz can’t happen. I’ve put a lot of effort into this so don’t be so ungrateful!
DH “ Sorry love . I know you have . Thanks”

That was it! DH even said to his daughter later “ Ooh we’ve just had a domestic in the car park!”

So I'm not going to say how often DH and I argue because it's largely irrelevant I think. But in answer to your scenarios upthread:

For example - NYE. I need to know where we are staying because if we are staying at his I need to get someone in to look after my pets. I can't just find someone at the last minute. However he is not sure whether he needs/wants to work (he's self employed) on 31st (during the day) so won't commit to a decision. His thinking is that I'll just find someone who's not booked yet. I well might but I would much rather ask someone now.

I would have just said "I need to stay home due to my animals" and let him make his own arrangements. If he wanted to see you, he'd have made arrangements to come over after work, or if that wasn't possible, you could have just seen him another day. No need to argue.

Or choosing what to eat at the weekend - I shop online so stuff gets delivered - that means I need to know in advance whether we want pizza, curry, etc because I need to buy that stuff. I don't have enough fridge/freezer space to buy one of each and then choose. But he won't make a choice - but then if I get say, pizza, he might not necessarily run with it but will instead say he fancies curry and get a takeaway.

If he's paying for the takeaway, does it really matter? Stuff can be frozen if you don't eat it in time. Again, I really don't see it as something to argue about - I wouldn't want to plan my meals days in advance - it would depend on what I fancied at the time, how hungry I was etc.

Or if we need a trade to come over to mine to look at a job, and I'd like OH to be here because he may know more about X than I do, he won't tell me when he can come over even though I need to make an appointment with the trade person.

You really don't need your OH around to deal with a tradesperson. What would you do if you were single or he was away or unwell? Just deal with issues in your home on your own.

Sorry, but from what you've said you sound a little obsessive and controlling about things and that would bother me. Life doesn't need to be planned out to such a major extent.

Ah, well that changes my view now. I can see why you get annoyed after the update OP. It must probably feel like your time is seen as less important by your DP. With the NYE work thing, (unless he has financial worries), it sounds like he sees his life as very much separate to yours still and doesn't feel the need to keep an open dialogue with you about things that affect you both.

Rarely. But its because neither of us are good communicators so everything is brushed under the carpet. I actually think I've given up now trying to argue about anything I just go with whatever DH wants because I can't be bothered dealing with his moods. But I realise that's not healthy or normal so I'd be happy to argue every 6 weeks and have an otherwise happy relationship instead of the underlying resentment I have each and every day.