What to tell angry teen DC about divorce (happened 10 years ago)

[ElizaSchuylerHamilton]

DH has teen kids from previous marriage. We've been married for 9 years. The reason his prevoius marriage broke up was due to his ex cheating on him. He tried very hard after he found out. She said she'd try, then was caught again etc (with different people). Eventually she said he has to learn to share her as she's just too gorgegous for one man to own, then he filed.

The issue is that she tells DSC DH abandoned them (for me). I met him a year after the divorce. DH never told DSC why they divorced (obviously). They blame him, treat him awfully (it seems the ex spends the entire time with DSC slating him). This Christmas was a disaster - DSC blaming him again and again how he ruined their happiness, how he doesn't pay enough (he pays twice as much as per the settlement and the kids know no need in anything).

Question: is there an age when DH can finally say the divorce was not his fault although he filed for it? DSC are early and older teens. Of course saying that will be meaningless unless he says why he did it.

How old are the children now?

Because, if they are teenagers, I'd say that they are old enough to be told the truth.

The only person lying has protected so far is their mum. It certainly hasn't done them any favours.

I think they are old enough to be honest with in a sensitive way and say you both know that there are 2 sides to every story. That was not the case and I did try but we were unable to move on from difficulties it has nothing to do with you guys and I hope one day you will make up your own minds on things rather than taking on your mums anger.

It’s probably time for the dsc to hear the truth.

I say that caveated heavily with age appropriateness. And also with the principle of not lowering yourself to her level and slating his mother unnecessarily.

People cheat, although it’s painful, it’s not unique.

I apologised to my dc that my marriage didn’t work out, that I wasn’t able to keep it together. And that was due to DV which def wasn’t actually my fault!! They often need to know that they aren’t being unreasonable to be upset that a marriage failed. It’s painful for kids too and they need that validating

Tell them when you like, they won’t believe him as it’s been drilled in for ages that it’s his fault.

As teenagers they are old enough I'd lay it out nicely in full.
So cma then the settlement then the amount being paid.
I'd talk about the timeline of your own relationship
And explaon the ground for divorce and context around it.
It's probably a bit late though and
I'd have been correcting the wild stories in an age appropriate way earlier

I think he is entitled to tell them the truth. If they are teens they are old enough to hear it. It might not change anything right away though. Kids have all sorts of reasons for acting out and blaming their parents. The most important thing that he can tell them is that the divorce wasn't their fault and wasn't because he didn't love them.

They won't believe him and it actually might be really damaging for them to have their trust in their mum shattered while they still hold all that bad feeling towards their father.

They're likely to completely withdraw from their father to protect themselves psychologically.

Maybe a better approach would be to show that you couldnt possibly have been the reason for the breakup as you hadnt met yet, but leave the mother's behaviour out of it.

It's unfair, but the children's wellbeing is still more important. Parental alienation is a hell of a thing.

I think the only thing you should correct is the idea that you are responsible for the breakup. Absolutely refute that, with evidence if necessary.

However, I don't think there's anything gained by slagging their mother off as promiscuous. Perhaps when they're in their twenties you can have a calm and more truthful conversation. Btw, how old are the children?

Marriage - for the time being leave as 'non-compatible' which is true.
Money- show them the evidence
Timeline- show them the evidence

if they are older than 13 I'd say they can be told a version of the truth. They can be told their mother did not love their father anymore and had an affair which ended the marriage. They must also be told he did not meet you until after the separation. Offer proof if this is possible as demonstrating the mother lied about leaving her for you, will strengthen the argument and hopefully make them think again.

Not telling the truth now allows a lie to go unchallenged (they could turn around in a few years and say they don't believe him because he'd had opportunity to tell them and didn't). The longer a lie lives the stronger it gets.

Its appalling to say he must continue to suck up the blame

Tell them, but expect to produce 'proof' (maybe a family member who remembers events). Because he would be calling Mum a liar and accepting that he let the lie go unchallenged for years.

He has a lot of explaining to do. I'd almost be tempted to start with the financial accusations, as those are easy to prove incorrect. Then once there's a chink in Mum's story, the rest might be easier to accept.

Tread very very carefully OP. There are 2 sides to every story particularly in the case of divorce. You weren't there and you haven't heard the other side. In my experience it is rarely unequivicorably one party's fault. Why did she cheat ?people who are in happy marriages tend not to. A dignified silence is often the most powerful and definately from the POV of the step mother. Although on the money front I agree show them the figures in black and white.

@Scottishskifun

I think they are old enough to be honest with in a sensitive way and say you both know that there are 2 sides to every story. That was not the case and I did try but we were unable to move on from difficulties it has nothing to do with you guys and I hope one day you will make up your own minds on things rather than taking on your mums anger.

He needs to tell them. The ex is running a vendetta against him. He can show them the amount agreed (paperwork) and how much he pays. He needs to tell them about the cheating. In. Age dependent words but as teens, they ought to know. I’d say they should have known for a while.. Just like they should be aware that you didn’t meet up until aa year after.

He needs to stop sugar coating things and correct whatever their mum says (wo slagging her off)

What do the divorce papers say? Surely they could just look this up?

How do you know what happened?

Surely he should have said something before now if they are this angry? Get a copy of the settlement figure and a print out of what he pays and show them that. Then say “this proves I pay more than I’m supposed to” then say “so the other things mums telling you about me arent true either” then see if that makes a difference.

@TonMoulin yes but there is a big difference between a young 13 year old and a 17 year old. Without knowing the full ages it's difficult and children should never be in the middle of parent war fare hence giving them the choice and handling it carefully. Its going to be pretty upsetting for them to find out their mother has been lying to them so long and a potentially explosive situation if not handled with care.

Why did she cheat? People who are in happy marriages tend not to

Rubbish. Some people just want to have their cake and eat it. Others have a void within themselves, perhaps caused by a past trauma, that they use the attention of other people to fill. Others might be in a mentally unhealthy place due to factors unrelated to their partner and see an affair as an easy way to make them feel better about themselves.

Rubbish. Some people just want to have their cake and eat it. Others have a void within themselves, perhaps caused by a past trauma, that they use the attention of other people to fill. Others might be in a mentally unhealthy place due to factors unrelated to their partner and see an affair as an easy way to make them feel better about themselves.

With all due respect this is bollocks. In 95% of cases an affair is a symptom not the cause. Unpopular opinion on here I know.

@hopefulhalf

Rubbish. Some people just want to have their cake and eat it. Others have a void within themselves, perhaps caused by a past trauma, that they use the attention of other people to fill. Others might be in a mentally unhealthy place due to factors unrelated to their partner and see an affair as an easy way to make them feel better about themselves.

With all due respect this is bollocks. In 95% of cases an affair is a symptom not the cause. Unpopular opinion on here I know.

What’s your source for that figure?

If you read Shirley Glass’ “Not Just Friends” she goes into detail into dispelling this myth.

Plus an affair can still be a symptom even if a marriage is otherwise ostensibly okay. As I said, it can be a symptom of deeper personal issues or an unresolved trauma or trying circumstances outside of the marriage itself.

This is an awful situation and I really feel for you, dh, and your stepchildren.

Telling them the full truth must be incredibly tempting but I wouldn't do it. It could shatter them or, if they don't believe their dad, could cause them to pull away further.

Instead I agree with PP. Show them proof that dh pays for their upkeep and that you met way after the split.

He doesn't need to lie about the reason for the divorce, just to tell them that unfortunately not every marriage works and the specifics are private (but both parents love them etc.).

It must be so difficult but this way at least one parent is putting their wellbeing first

Maybe the way to do this is for him to sit the children down and calmly open the conversation. Why do you think your mum and I divorced? Do you really believe I abandoned you? Why do you think/feel that? Do you realise that I had already divorced your mother before I even met (X)? X is not the reason for our divorce? What would you like to know, or feel you need to know about the divorce and why it happened?

Do not get angry or be reactive to their answers, chances are up until the point they have just parroted what they have been told or may have even come to their own completely inaccurate conclusions in the absence of any real information. It is very important not to slate their mother or call her a liar, this will only make them defensive and angry. If they state something that is inaccurate you simply state that it isn’t correct, give the correct information as you see it, and then make it clear that it’s absolutely up them what they choose to believe and that whatever they do choose to believe won’t change how you feel about them. After all there are 3 sides to ever story, yours, theirs and then the truth.

By the way this is the conversation their father should have with them, I would suggest you leave them to it. Also be prepared for the fact that they may not want to have the conversation initially, but I would be if you leave it open then will have the conversation when they are ready.

I agree with pp

They can see proof that he pays, and they can be told that you met after ( can he pull out paperwork).

I don't think they need to be told about the cheating. Its private, and what good would it achieve?

My ExH, now in his 50s, has had multiple affairs within a number of marriages and live-in relationships.

I would say the problem is with him, for sure, as well as with the relationships themselves - in the sense that he entered those relationships masking what he was really like. Of course the marriages/relationships were unhappy - he was a fake husband and partner within them.

Our DC finally twigged what he was like when they saw how he treated his second wife, when they were around 19/21 years.

But I put them straight on child support amounts when they were teens, and they helped budget it and understood it.