What to tell angry teen DC about divorce (happened 10 years ago)

[ElizaSchuylerHamilton]

DH has teen kids from previous marriage. We've been married for 9 years. The reason his prevoius marriage broke up was due to his ex cheating on him. He tried very hard after he found out. She said she'd try, then was caught again etc (with different people). Eventually she said he has to learn to share her as she's just too gorgegous for one man to own, then he filed.

The issue is that she tells DSC DH abandoned them (for me). I met him a year after the divorce. DH never told DSC why they divorced (obviously). They blame him, treat him awfully (it seems the ex spends the entire time with DSC slating him). This Christmas was a disaster - DSC blaming him again and again how he ruined their happiness, how he doesn't pay enough (he pays twice as much as per the settlement and the kids know no need in anything).

Question: is there an age when DH can finally say the divorce was not his fault although he filed for it? DSC are early and older teens. Of course saying that will be meaningless unless he says why he did it.

The difficulty is that you don't know the actual truth. You know the version of events that he has told you.

Wading in on his behalf about things you weren't around to witness personally won't make things any better and could worsen them - and you might find things out that you didn't want to, such as, for example, that he wasn't actually divorced at the time he told you he was.

There is no way of involving yourself that can ever turn out well, to be honest. Not with an angry, resentful, hurting teenager.

That doesn’t matter though. Because clearly it’s not the OP that is going to talk to them but their dad.

And yes he needs to tell them the truth. Which, even if responsibilities are shared (let’s forget we would never say that to a woman), the ex wife isn’t all white.

Probably they are old enough but it is for your DH to tell them.

It may be difficult for them to accept the truth (assuming the DH has told you the truth), as most examples of infidelity and cheating they are likely to have read about will be men, for example Ryan Giggs.

Teens should absolutely be told the truth and given the proof. Why should mum be allowed to wallow in self pity and encourage the DSCs hatred that DH abandoned them? The problem you face is why DH is only telling them now. This should have been an open and frank conversation when they were younger to avoid the shit storm now.

Just tell them the truth. I don't think lying is helping.

Imo dc should know the damage shagging about in a marriage can do...

They should be told the truth about the money. The cheating however is something they don’t need to know as it’s between the adults, and telling them only serves to pit one parent against the other.

They absolutely can be told that you met after their father had filed for divorce, assuming he did and can prove it, but all children need to know beyond that is that marriages can be complicated, and sometimes people just don’t stay together for numerous reasons.

There is absolutely nothing to be achieved by telling them that their mother cheated.

Imo dc should know the damage shagging about in a marriage can do... No, they really don’t need to know.

After all, they’ve been told that the OP’s dh has shagged around during the marriage and while it’s not true they believe it is and what has that achieved? Two angry, bitter children who constantly have a go at their father. Having seen that first hand, should he really be wanting the same for their mother? Who’s that then about? Definitely not the children, it’s about the adults wanting to prove that one is worse than the other and using the children as pawns in the middle of their bitterness. No good can come from it.

The money is a different matter and can be proven.

I would tell the truth and I'm sure there are court papers to back him up then halve the money provided so that it's the designated amount. He seems to be putting a lot in and is shown zero respect.

@AlternativePerspective

Imo dc should know the damage shagging about in a marriage can do... No, they really don’t need to know.

After all, they’ve been told that the OP’s dh has shagged around during the marriage and while it’s not true they believe it is and what has that achieved? Two angry, bitter children who constantly have a go at their father. Having seen that first hand, should he really be wanting the same for their mother? Who’s that then about? Definitely not the children, it’s about the adults wanting to prove that one is worse than the other and using the children as pawns in the middle of their bitterness. No good can come from it.

The money is a different matter and can be proven.

I don’t agree. The two angry teenagers are the consequence of the ex spending years slagging of the father and the father not clarifying the situation.

It’s the consequence of the LIES the mother has said. Not the fact that children have told of an affair.

However, I do agree that knowing your parents divorced because of an affair could have repercussions on the parent. Hence the reason why the mother has been so keen on burying her behaviour underneath lies.

FWIW, I think there is a discussion needed with the teens and for them to be told the truth. I also think they would all do well with getting the support of a family counsellor when breaking the news. Because of the dcs’ anger but also because the father should have said something a long time ago.

The only person being protected here is the ex wife, who clearly doesn’t deserve to be painted as the innocent custom. The children have already built up a story around you and your DH in which they believe you were having an affair, and in doing so destroyed the family, rather than the ex wife - so the story is essentially the same, but with different protagonists. I would sit them down and tell them the truth - start with the money as you can produce hard evidence for that, then tell them when you met, and then tell them why the marriage broke up. Do it in an age appropriate way, and with love and respect.

I didn't bad mouth my ex to our boys, but I corrected them the first time they told me their Dad had said I'd left him when it was decidedly the other way round.
I just said that wasn't how it happened, didn't go into details and it wasn't mentioned again.
Tricky to deal with it years after.
I think I'd just state "that's not the way it happened" each time it was brought up.

This is very sad.

I think they're all old enough to be told and I disagree that it's too late.

It'll come as shock though and they each react in different and perhaps unexpected ways.

But they deserve to know. Agree that you should lay out the facts and timeliness, calmly and unemotionally. No judgement or criticism of their mother, and he should reiterate how much he loves them.

Be prepared to provide evidence should they ask to see it - eg settlement and evidence of when you first met.

Good luck

Just in case I need to specify, don't go providing evidence of their mother cheating or other bad behaviour on her part!! They'll make up their own minds

@Lillygolightly

Maybe the way to do this is for him to sit the children down and calmly open the conversation. Why do you think your mum and I divorced? Do you really believe I abandoned you? Why do you think/feel that? Do you realise that I had already divorced your mother before I even met (X)? X is not the reason for our divorce? What would you like to know, or feel you need to know about the divorce and why it happened?

Do not get angry or be reactive to their answers, chances are up until the point they have just parroted what they have been told or may have even come to their own completely inaccurate conclusions in the absence of any real information. It is very important not to slate their mother or call her a liar, this will only make them defensive and angry. If they state something that is inaccurate you simply state that it isn’t correct, give the correct information as you see it, and then make it clear that it’s absolutely up them what they choose to believe and that whatever they do choose to believe won’t change how you feel about them. After all there are 3 sides to ever story, yours, theirs and then the truth.

By the way this is the conversation their father should have with them, I would suggest you leave them to it. Also be prepared for the fact that they may not want to have the conversation initially, but I would be if you leave it open then will have the conversation when they are ready.

This is excellent advice.

Keep the communication channels open. Keep repeating the same thing: i.e your DH shows DSC how he is paying his way, explains how it wasn’t his choice for the marriage to end the way it did but fidelity was important to him etc.
And then work towards any other issues they have. Parental alienation is brutal but if this teen is smart, with some tender truths, they’ll pick their way through the bullshit. Presumably if ex is as bad as your OP states then other relationships and friendships will have gone the same way as her marriage and the kid might work it out eventually.

Thank you so much all for your kind responses, it’s great to hear so many varying points of view. We’ve been skating around this issue, wanting to preserve DSC and their innocence when they were younger. Conversations did happen all the time but every time DH would just say something about differences between him and the ex that led to the divorce or appeal to their new way of life as a better deal (the ex was explosive after he filed for divorce and the separation must’ve felt like a relief for DSC).

I have not and will not have any conversations with DSC about their parents myself, it goes without saying. This is something for DH to talk to them about. I stay well out but I think it’s time for me personally to confirm that I was not around when their parents got divorced, as DSC tell DH that he’s lying - anything else should come from DH, with me not being present.

Of course I’ll never know what happened exactly re: ex’s cheating. I do believe my husband after 9 years together and his story is backed by his friends, colleagues, siblings and parents. I also saw the divorce papers, which were on the grounds of adultery. I didn’t realise, however, that these could be accessed by general public - I’ll explore that. It could be the proof for DSC but not something I’d want them to read really.

Re: age, both are teenagers now, eldest DSC is in uni - fees paid by DH so showing how he pays his way is really a travesty but I think we should do the print outs of all finances anyway at this stage.

The youngest DSC is in early teens. I think it was a great point re: what it’d achieve, calling out the reason for divorce, the damage it could do. However, DH said zero negative things about their mother in the last 10 years and DSC hate him as they get their mother’s version of the story all day every day. He also disciplines and educates them (like phones out at dinner table or during holiday activities, helps with weak school / uni subjects) whilst the mother only indulges (doesn’t get involved with school work, buys expensive gadgets). I think it isn’t right that this should continue, and they should believe DH is evil, the one who broke up their family home. Oblique phrases like we had differences, sometimes things happen, there are 2 sides to every story mean nothing to them and make DH sound guilty.

They deserve to know the whole truth - no more cover-ups and deceit. There's been enough of that from their mother.
It's their right to know.

I think just plain facts, he needs to tell them.

Sometimes children never see through a parent's lie, they want to believe it and so never think for themselves.

If he has the paperwork to hand, show them the divorce and the settlement and what he pays.

They are old enough to know these things. At the end of the day she is lying about so many things, they just need to be set straight.

I'd get him to take them out for a chat, one on one, starting with the older one, and tell them the facts. That he understands why they are angry at the split and looking for someone to blame, that they split after the mum got with someone else, that he tried to make it work, that he loves them very much and wants to support them, and that he's willing to answer any questions they might have. I'd also expect the mum to go nuts at him telling them and deny it and would probably pre-empt this with them, is there a neutral third party they could speak to as well? To get facts without such emotional tension in the way?

Hi OP, I was in your DH's position. My exDW cheated, repeatedly, but blamed me to our DD. I said nothing to her about it nor did my (new) DW.
It took a long time but 14 years later when DD was 16 she asked me to tell her about it. I gave her the usual bland answer but she then said she really wanted to know the full story. She said she needed to know as she had figured out she was basing her life on a lie.
So I told her what had happened, but I avoided blame as much as I could. It was very emotional for both of us and over the next few months she asked many follow up questions. Our relationship is really good now and I know that having maintained my silence for so long helped her to deal with it, and she knows that too.
I recommend waiting. You don't want to push your step DC into having to take sides, or into being divided. It is hard I know, but they will get there and will respect you both more for your dignity and decency.

How can you be sure that it's definitely her who cheated, or that she was the only one who cheated?

Not saying that he DID cheat but in any case obviously his own parents, colleagues (not sure why work colleagues would know anyway?!), siblings etc. would back him as they would only hear his side of the story.

There’s a difference between not slating the other parent and correcting a lie. I can totally understand why they have little respect for him and his silence has contributed to that.

He may not want to correct the lie that you were the OW but I personally wouldn’t stand for it.

So helpful to read those posts with experience of similar situation. @alvinp, from your post it doesn’t follow your DD was angry with you before your conversation with her. Did she try to blame you on all fronts before, financial as well? DH gets You didn’t buy me this designer outfit, or anything like that - you can’t tell me anything. You can’t take away my latest iPhone for talking back, DM bought it, you’re nothing (DH pays their DM, of course, and buys them functional things but would never buy things like that).

Re: how do I know what happened - again, I read the divorce papers. My DH story is laid out there, his exDW didn’t make any such allegations against him during divorce. DH’s colleagues have worked with him for 30 years and formed an opinion of exDW character having had numerous interactions with her. I’ve had fortunately few interactions myself and have an opinion too - not about her alleged promiscuity but that she’s generally a dangerous nut case, unfortunately (not dangerous to the kids though).