What to tell angry teen DC about divorce (happened 10 years ago)

[ElizaSchuylerHamilton]

DH has teen kids from previous marriage. We've been married for 9 years. The reason his prevoius marriage broke up was due to his ex cheating on him. He tried very hard after he found out. She said she'd try, then was caught again etc (with different people). Eventually she said he has to learn to share her as she's just too gorgegous for one man to own, then he filed.

The issue is that she tells DSC DH abandoned them (for me). I met him a year after the divorce. DH never told DSC why they divorced (obviously). They blame him, treat him awfully (it seems the ex spends the entire time with DSC slating him). This Christmas was a disaster - DSC blaming him again and again how he ruined their happiness, how he doesn't pay enough (he pays twice as much as per the settlement and the kids know no need in anything).

Question: is there an age when DH can finally say the divorce was not his fault although he filed for it? DSC are early and older teens. Of course saying that will be meaningless unless he says why he did it.

If you want to go at it softly, could you talk about planning something for your 10 year anniversary? Open a conversation that way, and mention how you met 'I was doing..., and your dad was just starting dating again a year after your parents divorce'. That way it's completely non confrontational, but will plant the seed that their mothers version of events can't be true. If their ready they can ask more questions, which I would answer truthfully, but if their not ready they can choose to ignore it for now.

Hi @ElizaSchuylerHamilton I agree that sounds awful and I feel your frustration and hurt. The problem we faced was my exDW has a personality disorder and she is an A grade manipulator (the two are linked) so I felt i had few options that would not make things worse.

There is of course normal teenage angst as well. For that we found this book very helpful in understanding that her angry words did not always mean what she felt.
"Get Out of My Life but first take me and Alex into Town"
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1781253315?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Even if there is manipulation going on (it sounds likely) the book and maybe even some professional help from a family counsellor can help you understand and hopefully establish a better relationship.

It is hard, I wish there was a simple solution.

THis seems very odd to me. I don’t see why he hasn’t gently corrected them over the years? There’s no need for all this anger.

“Dangerous nut case” wives - are usually divorced from controlling men who have painted them that way.

I would definitely correct two lies - i) about when you met him, and ii) about the finances.

The rest DH should correct as and when it comes up - if the kids truly want to know. The child at uni is certainly old enough (I might wait a while longer with the 13yo). It needs to be kept factual and unemotional, and only the very basics unless they want to know more. But he should answer any questions they have truthfully.