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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I fix this?

74 replies

Indianafrankie · 26/12/2020 19:37

Ok so I’ve messed up this afternoon and I have no idea how to fix it. I have very low confidence and don’t like people to see me without make up and properly dressed - I know, I know...but I grew up in a family where I was repeatedly told I was ugly and stupid and no one would ever want me unless it would be to be used for sex. Today I was having a quiet day - just me and my 2 children - pjs, house still a bit messy from yesterday’s presents etc, my partner out of the blue knocks at the door shouting he has something for me, I said sorry we’re not dressed please could you just leave it there for now and we’ll catch up later. He gets in a mood and storms off and messages me telling me I’m not normal etc. I explained back that ok I guess maybe I’m not and I’m sorry but I would rather he didn’t see me looking that way, I’ve said sorry several times and explained it wasn’t about him but me and he is now just ignoring me. I have explained to him many times that I would just like a little notice if he wants to come over but he never listens as he says I should just be comfortable around him. Do I just leave him to it now? He will inevitably at some point tell me we can’t be together as he can’t make me happy, do I just need to accept I can’t be with anyone as clearly there’s too much wrong with me? Sorry this was long I’m just feeling low and alone I guess.

OP posts:
ILoveShula · 26/12/2020 19:42

I wouldn't like i either OP. I hate people turning up unannounced or uninvited. If he loves you he'll be ok about it.

category12 · 26/12/2020 19:45

Well, you have a bit of an issue around your appearance.

BUT it's not like it's new to him, and basically he's saying that he should be able to override a boundary you have because he doesn't agree with you having it. But that's not up to him. He should respect your wishes even if he doesn't agree with it.

It's not hard to give you notice that he wants to turn up.
It's actually pretty rude to turn up unexpectedly.

And his response to conflict - giving you the silent treatment and threatening to end things are really poor and can be emotionally abusive tactics.

On the whole, I would stay, stop bloody apologising and stand by your own boundaries.

Parkperson · 26/12/2020 19:45

How would you feel if you moved in together? It doesn't sound as if you are able to relax around him. Probably not a keeper then.

category12 · 26/12/2020 19:47

I would say, not stay. ^ in my earlier post

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 26/12/2020 19:53

Yes you are right, earlier in the week he asked if I wanted help with a particular thing, I said thank you but no I can manage and he went ahead and did it anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 26/12/2020 19:54

Yes I don’t think I do ever feel truly comfortable.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/12/2020 19:57

He sounds pushy.

Stop apologising to him and start thinking, actually is this guy right for me?

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/12/2020 19:58

He's a loser! And a manipulative bastard.

He knows you want some warning and ignores your wishes and turns up anyway. Regularly by the sound of it. (Control 101).
He then throws a huge temper tantrum when you do not do what he wants, after you have repeatedly told him his actions make you uncomfortable. (Narcissism 101).
He tells you how you should feel, ignoring your actual feelings. (Control 101).
He tells you you aren't normal (gaslighting 101).
He ignores your multiple apologies and explanations. (Stonewalling 101).
He threatens to dump you if you don't stay in line. Regularly by the sound of it too. (Back to Narcissism).
He plays the victim/martyr when saying you should split. (Manipulation 101).

Why do you think he has such a need to 'catch you out'? Is it because he doesn't trust you or because he wants to exert control or so he can make you feel bad? Cos it's certainly NOT a loving gesture to turn up unannounced when your partner has repeatedly told you they don't like it!

What ever minor issue you might have about not wanting to be seen without make up, they pale into insignificance with his!!

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2020 20:01

I have explained to him many times that I would just like a little notice if he wants to come over but he never listens as he says I should just be comfortable around him.

Who is he to tell you anything? I think your issues regarding your appearance are irrelevant here. He has no respect for you or your boundaries. Get rid.

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 26/12/2020 20:03

Gosh that has made me think, he has absolutely no reason not to trust me so I guess control

OP posts:
Dery · 26/12/2020 20:04

He doesn’t sound right for you. He thinks it’s okay to overstep your boundaries and then sulk when you push back.

Dery · 26/12/2020 20:06

And how can you feel comfortable when he persists in ignoring your boundaries?

Dontbeme · 26/12/2020 20:07

he says I should just be comfortable around him

Why does he get to decide your boundaries? I am someone that has a lot of personal " quirks" and sometimes people think I am odd, but the truth behind my behaviour is that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and the after effects of that can pop up in strange ways. I no longer explain ( invent excuses) to people who question why I can't be normal, my reasons for how I am are my own and I am trying to provide security for myself in the best way I know how. If people don't like that, they can jog on.

electronVolt · 26/12/2020 20:08

@Dery

And how can you feel comfortable when he persists in ignoring your boundaries?
This.

With nobs on

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 26/12/2020 20:09

I don’t think he does, I remember when he asked to see me and I said no sorry I can’t I’m busy and he waited outside my house and then drove alongside me shouting at me to get in the car - at which point I had to as he was holding up all the traffic and once he messaged saying did me and the kids want to join him and his kids for dinner, I said no thank you it’s too late at night and he said well I’ve ordered their food already

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2020 20:10

He's awful, op. You know you need to end this.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2020 20:12

He doesnt sound a good'un op. Thanks

category12 · 26/12/2020 20:19

@Indianafrankie

I don’t think he does, I remember when he asked to see me and I said no sorry I can’t I’m busy and he waited outside my house and then drove alongside me shouting at me to get in the car - at which point I had to as he was holding up all the traffic and once he messaged saying did me and the kids want to join him and his kids for dinner, I said no thank you it’s too late at night and he said well I’ve ordered their food already
OP! Shock None of this is OK.

Do yourself a favour and start the New Year single.

LizzieSiddal · 26/12/2020 20:20

Oh he sounds a control freak who doesn’t listen to you at all. Who the heck wants to go out with someone who goes against their wishes?
You cannot trust him at all.

Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2020 20:21

In a way he's right. If he's close enough to be your partner you should be comfortable enough to have him come and go like a normal person, without having to make an appointment to see you. Is this the same for everyone? What about your dc when they get older? Is there any therapy you could take?

Dontbeme · 26/12/2020 20:21

OP do you think you can safely split from him, do you have family and friends nearby that would help and support you? Your last post was frightening to read, do you spend a lot of time modifying your behaviour or agreeing to things you don't really want to keep the peace?

Lemonpiano · 26/12/2020 20:25

This is not a good relationship. It's a controlling, coercive one.

I get the feeling your background means you have a bit of a skewed sense of what a healthy relationship would look like or how you deserve to be treated.

Because this sure as hell isn't either.

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 26/12/2020 20:30

I think I could split from him, but I know after his initial silence he will start trying to get back in, for several reasons - I don’t want to say too much I have only one friend here at the moment and he knows this, yes I definitely do things to keep the peace but I think it’s because I believe I’m the problem

OP posts:
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 26/12/2020 20:32

The sad thing is I’m actually not a stupid person and what you have said is probably true, I guess I feel like a failure if I couldn’t make it work

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2020 20:32

He can't "get back in" unless you allow him to. Tell him it's over, block him, and change your locks if necessary.

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