How can I fix this?

[Indianafrankie]

Ok so I’ve messed up this afternoon and I have no idea how to fix it. I have very low confidence and don’t like people to see me without make up and properly dressed - I know, I know...but I grew up in a family where I was repeatedly told I was ugly and stupid and no one would ever want me unless it would be to be used for sex. Today I was having a quiet day - just me and my 2 children - pjs, house still a bit messy from yesterday’s presents etc, my partner out of the blue knocks at the door shouting he has something for me, I said sorry we’re not dressed please could you just leave it there for now and we’ll catch up later. He gets in a mood and storms off and messages me telling me I’m not normal etc. I explained back that ok I guess maybe I’m not and I’m sorry but I would rather he didn’t see me looking that way, I’ve said sorry several times and explained it wasn’t about him but me and he is now just ignoring me. I have explained to him many times that I would just like a little notice if he wants to come over but he never listens as he says I should just be comfortable around him. Do I just leave him to it now? He will inevitably at some point tell me we can’t be together as he can’t make me happy, do I just need to accept I can’t be with anyone as clearly there’s too much wrong with me? Sorry this was long I’m just feeling low and alone I guess.

@Indianafrankie

Yes I don’t think I do ever feel truly comfortable.

Fair enough. But in that case, it might be best not to regard/treat him as a partner. There seems to be a mismatch in what you and he expect of that title. You have different boundaries.

I consider a "partner" to be a couple relationship that includes  some easy informality, familiarity  and intimacy, spontaneity.

He sound really scary, none of this is normal

Ok well thanks everyone for all your replies, didn’t really expect it to take the turn it did so I guess I need to do some thinking and yes for those that asked of course I can see my part in it, I will always hold my hands up where I know I’m wrong and certainly don’t blame others for my problems.

I'm sympathetic but quite honestly he's probably made a big effort to drop the items off and thinks because you are in a relationship it would be ok to just pop over. He may not have really thought about it.
i had someone shut the door in my face once because I turned up unannounced with a gift and I was really cross and hurt, all I wanted was to drop it in and leave straight away as the house was on my way back from work. It was my parents house. i thought I'd be able to hand them a gift over the doorstep without having the door shut in my face.
You really do need to get help for this as eventually your relationships will end because of it. Nobody wants to be with someone who can't relax for a second or just be themselves because it's exhausting.
Have you considered counselling/ Because that seems like the way to go.

@madcatladyforever, did you read op's updates about his other behaviours?

It's actually OK to want to have a lazy day and not have someone, even a boyfriend barge in on it unannounced. Op's boundaries are not unknown to the guy, he's deliberately trying to roll over them.

Maybe with a guy who doesn't push and insist and chase her down in his car humiliatingly and ignore what she says in favour of what he wants, she'd be able to build trust and emotional safety in order to be spontaneous. But not with this wanker.

Yes I understand, I have had counselling in the past and understand my issues but I struggle to understand whether people need to accept my boundaries and why they are there or if I just need to change. It wasn’t a gift - not that this is the major point i know, but something he had asked if I wanted for my house and I had said no thank you I don’t several times. I’m very much compartmentalised in his life and when he has free moments he expects me to drop everything instantly but when he is with family or friends I’m not allowed to be there.

He came round against your wishes to give you something you've already told him you don't want?

Bin him. It's not you, it's him. Bin him today.

Let's say, for example, that you are all the bad things you think or believe about yourself. You still wouldn't deserve to be bullied and controlled by someone else.

When you finish with him, this afternoon, by text probably... you can say to yourself "I'm a sensible, strong woman. I've ridded myself of one of the negative aspects of my life. I'm going to feel better from now on." Every time you think "Oh, what have I done?" reply with "I've made my life better!' Let this be the start of your positive self talk. It will change your life.

People DO need to accept your boundaries. It's not you that's in the wrong here. He is a controller and things will only get worse if you progress the relationship with him. Some posters haven't read your updates and so are responding about the makeup 'thing'. Please break up with him and be prepared for him getting aggressive and trying to persuade you otherwise. He is not someone you or your children need in your lives.

Basically he's ignoring everything you say.

Your boundary of "ask me before coming round" is fine.

A gift of something you've said you don't want is not a gift, it's an imposition. It's him deciding he knows better than you what you should want.

He's very much telling you through his actions that he's the important one, he knows best, he's in charge. A man who ignores your nos on small things, will ignore your nos on big things.

Fuck him off. Honestly. He's not a good egg. It'll only get worse.

A good man listens and respects your boundaries, even if they're less common or need working on, because they're there for your own reasons and it's up to you to decide if you need to change them, not for him to push past.

He sounds very controlling OP. Think about your kids and bin him, he’s not a nice man.

He sounds not very nice and very hard work, why is everything about him? Xxx

Not sure if anyone will see this but wanted to give an update, so, as many people who replied to me will probably already guess this, I found out last night that he has been sleeping with someone else the whole time we were together, devastated but at least I can walk away now knowing I’m not crazy and thank you to everyone who helped me with their comments, happy new year hey!

Oh thank goodness for that.

I mean, I'm sorry and it must be really hurtful but this guy is a bullet dodged.

A better 2021 lies ahead of you.

Please spend a bit of time working on your self-esteem, cos your family background set you up to tolerate rubbish from men, and you deserve far far better.

And at least you know where his ridiculous jealousy came from - projection of his own behaviour.

Absolutely, at the very least finding that out has brought back a part of the old me - and a bit of strength, thank you so much for the time you took to reply to me, your comments make so much sense now and definitely I will work on me now

Thank god for that, you are so much better off without him! Happy New Year!!

@OP - that simplifies things. Btw, many PP made valid points about opening in relationships but I think many of them were responding to your opening post without reading your updates. It’s easily done. This guy sounded bad news anyway because he kept pushing you around and ignoring your boundaries. It was weird and unacceptable in a relationship. And as @category12 said, he was projecting his infidelity on to you. Onwards and upwards, OP.

“opening up in relationships”

Well at least you know now! Best of luck op

OP, don't worry about the make up thing, it's fairly common. I hate seeing anyone unless I'm ready, DH never saw me without a bit of make up on for many, many years. He wasn't bothered at all.

Sorry you've discovered he's a cheat, but perhaps it'll help you in the long run. You'll be ok. x

Sounds like there are two things going on here.

1. he waited outside my house and then drove alongside me shouting at me to get in the car He's not a very nice man
2. don’t like people to see me without make up and properly dressed here's the thing, with the right person you'll feel like they love and see you like your children do - that is, they'll clearly think you're beautiful and a sight for sore eyes no matter what your outward appearance is (It may, however, be frustrating that they never notice new haircut / clothes etc, as they will just be "seeing" the unchanging and ever wonderful Inner You).

@Dontweallfeelthiswaysometimes have you read the op's update?!?! I might help!

Ime when you get concrete evidence it has to be finished it is easier to deal with... You have indeed dodged a bullet. Make sure to get an sti check up op..
New year, new feisty you op...

Posts crossed (slow writer) oh OP, so sorry: hoping you have the future you deserve with someone wonderful.