How can I fix this?

[Indianafrankie]

Ok so I’ve messed up this afternoon and I have no idea how to fix it. I have very low confidence and don’t like people to see me without make up and properly dressed - I know, I know...but I grew up in a family where I was repeatedly told I was ugly and stupid and no one would ever want me unless it would be to be used for sex. Today I was having a quiet day - just me and my 2 children - pjs, house still a bit messy from yesterday’s presents etc, my partner out of the blue knocks at the door shouting he has something for me, I said sorry we’re not dressed please could you just leave it there for now and we’ll catch up later. He gets in a mood and storms off and messages me telling me I’m not normal etc. I explained back that ok I guess maybe I’m not and I’m sorry but I would rather he didn’t see me looking that way, I’ve said sorry several times and explained it wasn’t about him but me and he is now just ignoring me. I have explained to him many times that I would just like a little notice if he wants to come over but he never listens as he says I should just be comfortable around him. Do I just leave him to it now? He will inevitably at some point tell me we can’t be together as he can’t make me happy, do I just need to accept I can’t be with anyone as clearly there’s too much wrong with me? Sorry this was long I’m just feeling low and alone I guess.

True, I know he will try for a while to turn up at places he knows I’ll be at - with some reason or other but I guess if I ignore him that will wear thin after a while

but if you ever get together and he moved in, then he would see you in all states of undress? I don't understand your viewpoint here. If you don't want him ever to see you 'au naturel' then you should never have started the relationship, or am I misunderstanding something here?

Don't let him move in with you.

True, I know he will try for a while to turn up at places he knows I’ll be at - with some reason or other but I guess if I ignore him that will wear thin after a while

If he continues with behaviour like that it's stalking and harassment. You would then need to go to the police. Don't stay with him just because you're worried how he'll take it. That's his problem.

It's not you, tho, it's him. You're not the one overstepping boundaries, chasing him down in a car, making scenes and then stonewalling and dramatising. How is it your fault that it's not working?

The only thing you can say is that you picked a lemon, and that's because your shark cage is a bit busted up, (which is rooted in your low self-esteem and awful upbringing). Have a look at the shark cage analogy here: www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

@dogmandu Read the OP's updates!

I really hope you can get him out of your life and find time to meet new people and gather real friends.

We’re a long way from moving in together for many many reasons, I guess that’s all I can say although I do understand your point

@thingsadogetbetter

but she says in the op ‘ I have very low confidence and don’t like people to see me without make up and properly dressed - which suggests that there are much deeper issues at play here which would torpedo any relationship.

OK Indiana, my last post cross posted with yours.

People aren't abused because they're stupid, they're abused because an abuser targets them.

There is no "fixing" an abusive / controlling relationship. You might as well try to row a boat across a lake with no oars.

Exiting such a relationship on the other hand is a success to be proud of.

[quote dogmandu]@thingsadogetbetter

but she says in the op ‘ I have very low confidence and don’t like people to see me without make up and properly dressed - which suggests that there are much deeper issues at play here which would torpedo any relationship.[/quote]
The deeper issues seem to be a not nice guy that has sensed the OP is vulnerable and is using that as a way to bring her to heel. Do you know what a stable person does if their partner is too busy to meet up? They say "ok, let me know when you are free" they don't wait outside your house, follow you in their car screaming at you and holding up traffic until you do what they want.

[quote dogmandu]@thingsadogetbetter

but she says in the op ‘ I have very low confidence and don’t like people to see me without make up and properly dressed - which suggests that there are much deeper issues at play here which would torpedo any relationship.[/quote]
Is that really the priority when the op is currently enmeshed in an abusive relationship? Come on.

The op hasn't caused this abuse and doesn't deserve it.

I have a friend who get up before their husband to put their face on. Living together years and she can't be seen without her make up. He asked her about it once, accepted her reasoning and loves her still. It's not that unusual OP. It's a minor issue only if you feel it's an issue, and you can get help if you want/need to.

However, his stalking/control/stamping on your boundaries/feelings is a HUGE issue. Like a huge red flag parade waving in your face.

I stand by my point that this is an issue that would likely surface with any relationship if it went far enough.

It's Ok to trash her current BF . I'm not defending him for one moment, but going along the lines of most posters here, then this issue will continue to arise for just about every single BF the OP gets, so the basic issue will not be solved longterm by trashing her current BF.

the basic issue will not be solved longterm by trashing her current BF

How much healing can the OP do in her current relationship realistically? How can she create the space and safety she needs to face these lifelong issues when she has to walk on eggshells to appease this man who doesn't respect her?

If you were in a relationship that you wanted to progress to the stage of e.g. living together, then of course you'd like to be comfortable around them enough to e.g. not be wearing full makeup all the time and be ok with being relaxed.

But in this relationship you are not and it sounds like you have good reason to feel uncomfortable with him and him ignoring your boundaries. And you shouldn't have to fake being comfortable in the relationship to please him.

Breaking up with someone controlling may be difficult as they try to refuse your right to call time on the relationship, but not as difficult as staying in the relationship and dealing with them forever.

I stand by my point that this is an issue that would likely surface with any relationship if it went far enough.

On the other hand, with a man who actually respected her boundaries and built up trust with her, she might feel emotionally safe enough to drop the make-up or work on dropping it. But with a man who is pushy, demanding, who follows her in a car shouting, tries to roll over her boundaries, she is quite right not to feel safe.

the space and safety she needs to face these lifelong issues when she has to walk on eggshells to appease this man who doesn't respect her?

I'm not defending him for one moment. She needs to get free of him. All I'm saying is there is another issue at play here.
What have I said or implied that makes you think I'm defending him? Please let me know as English is my first language and I thought I was very clear.

On the other hand, with a man who actually respected her boundaries and built up trust with her, she might feel emotionally safe enough to drop the make-up or work on dropping it. But with a man who is pushy, demanding, who follows her in a car shouting, tries to roll over her boundaries, she is quite right not to feel safe.

Good point. Totally agree.

I don’t like people turning up unannounced at all (including my close family and best friends) and it’s not the same because my husband is my kids dad but the only people who I don’t feel like this about are my husband and kids.... so I find it a bit weird that you don’t like your partner turning up unannounced... unless he’s a relatively new boyfriend?

In his position I would probably be upset too.

Can you work on getting more comfortable with him dropping by? That’s not to say you have to become comfortable with all and sundry doing it- just him.

@Singlenotsingle
In a way he's right. If he's close enough to be your partner you should be comfortable enough to have him come and go like a normal person, without having to make an appointment to see you. Is this the same for everyone?

NO ONE is allowed to come and go (they can go anytime, of course) as they please in my house, unless they live with me. Why would they??
Same applies to my kids once they're grown up. If there is no notice, I would assume it's an emergency.

Why would it be OK for my adult son to just "pop by" and make me jump out of my bath or out of my bed where I'm shagging someone or.. (insert any other of the 100 moments that would be inappropriate )?

Have you read OP's updates, @EreLongDoneDoDoesDid ?

I can see what you mean and understand your point, I think I have just blindly ignored too many warning signs from the start of this relationship and I think I feel that I have to be perfect to justify why he would want to be with me, I guess from the start if I had felt comfortable then I wouldn’t be where I am now and therein lies my answer I guess.

Am I missing something??