Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too many texts from a married man?

55 replies

LadyLightning · 26/12/2020 18:56

I have a friend at work I have known for many years. He is married, ( I was invited to the wedding but was away at the time). He never talks about his home life, and has always been very flirty in the office. He always seemed harmless to me, and I always felt comfortable with him. A few years ago there were some allegations of inappropriate behaviour made against him, but he was cleared of wrong doing. We have always had a friendly relationship, but in the last few months have had more online contact because of changes to work, and this has led to increasingly frequent texts. I am under a lot of pressure at home (single but with responsibilities for disabled relatives) and he has been a really great support - he texts me, and we met once for a meal back when it was ok to do so. Last week we were commenting on Christmas movies and he made a comment about taking me to a movie when life is back to normal. I really appreciate his support but I am wondering if this seems ok to others? AIBU to feel uncomfortable? If it were your husband, would you be ok with that?

OP posts:
firecracker69 · 26/12/2020 19:02

Does his wife know about you and how much he texts?

category12 · 26/12/2020 19:03

Are you friends with his wife as well? Is she aware of you meeting up and messaging?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2020 19:03

He never talks about his home life, and has always been very flirty in the office. He always seemed harmless to me, and I always felt comfortable with him

Well it's a question of boundaries / standards then really I guess.

Someone who doesn't mention their home life and flirts in the office is someone I would think is a wanker.

The fact he's been cleared of inappropriate behaviour could mean he doesn't sexually harass people, but it means he is still someone who doesn't mention their home life and flirts with people at work...

You sound like you're happy with the dynamic, but you also clearly have an underlying knowledge it's not ok as you've taken the time to post online.

Think of it this way:

If YOU were married to someone and they never mentioned you at work, flirted with women at work, messaged a female colleague increasingly frequently and said he wanted to go to the cinema together with her, would YOU think it was perfectly fine? If not, probably stop engaging in it all...

firecracker69 · 26/12/2020 19:10

A few years ago there were some allegations of inappropriate behaviour made against him, but he was cleared of wrong doing.

And, he's married..... how many more red flags are you waiting for?

Original poster
LadyLightning · 26/12/2020 19:15

I honestly dont know if his wife knows he texts me or not and have never met her - he is work colleague, not someone I met socially. I think my original post gave the wrong impression. We dont regularly meet up - we had a meal once. And talked about work a lot of the time. I dont want to be over reacting to someone who is just being friendly and supportive, or assume bad intent on his part. But I also dont want to be drawn into something inappropriate. As for how I would feel if I were married to a man who did this, I would not be ok with someone doing this behind my back, but if I knew about the communications and felt it was just friendly, I would be ok with it.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/12/2020 19:18

I think my original post gave the wrong impression. We dont regularly meet up - we had a meal once.

Met up for a meal, planning to meet for a film. Tomato, tomato.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2020 19:19

He wants to take you to a movie? So basically a date. I'm sure his wife would be thrilled.

Original poster
LadyLightning · 26/12/2020 19:21

We are not planning to meet for a movie - he mentioned it, I am not intending to take that up as it seems a step too far. Seems like the consensus is this is inappropriate, so unless I meet his wife and check it out for myself, will take a step back.

OP posts:
Melange99 · 26/12/2020 19:27

The fact that you are asking the question on here would suggest you know he is making a play for you and wants to take things further. I would start to pull away.

MadeForThis · 26/12/2020 19:32

If you were comfortable with the situation you wouldn't be asking. You obviously sense that something isn't right. Go with your gut.

OldWomanSaysThis · 26/12/2020 19:35

How would you get sucked into something inappropriate - like involuntarily? Do you have warm fuzzies for him?

BestWatcherInTheUnit · 26/12/2020 19:36

Hmm it seems a little bit much. Do you feel emotionally reliant on him? My cynical side thinks maybe he’s seen that you have been having a bit of a tough time and is trying to bond you to him by being nice, and will then try to progress things to sexual/romantic. Some people can be very manipulative.

EagleFlight · 26/12/2020 19:37

So you are happy for a married man to flirt with you in the office and to go out for a meal together but now you are worried you might be crossing the line?

JudyGemstone · 26/12/2020 19:38

He sounds like a creeper to me.

The fact that he was cleared of wrongdoing doesn't mean shit. Men hardly ever face consequences for sleazy behaviour.

soopedup · 26/12/2020 19:38

It’s very inappropriate. You are having an emotional affair. If I was his wife I’d be furious

Original poster
LadyLightning · 26/12/2020 19:42

OldWomanSaysThis - I dont feel anything more than I would for anyone I am friendly with - and I have lots of different kind of friends, all ages, nationalities, genders etc. I dont want to be part of something that has a negative impact on a marriage and would rather duck out sooner than later if it is going that way.

OP posts:
Fredelliottisayfredelliott · 26/12/2020 20:11

No this is not ok.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 26/12/2020 20:15

It's not OK and you know it .

parsnipsnotsprouts · 26/12/2020 20:15

Nope not ok

TragedyHands · 26/12/2020 20:23

Not appropriate, he's married.
He was a good support as was obviously after more.
Sounds like there was something in the allegations even though he was cleared.
A happily married man doesn't behave like this. Make sure all texts are necessary for work, if they aren't then don't reply or you are encouraging him.
It sounds like you are giving him the green light for an affair. You didn't reply that he's a married man and a movie would be inappropriate.
Flattering as it might be, find someone who is free.

Windmillwhirl · 26/12/2020 20:23

How would you feel if your your husband was incessantly texting and taking another woman to see a movie? You sound vulnerable and given the previous claims against him he sounds like a predator.

I'd be very, very careful here.

Sweetooth92 · 26/12/2020 20:32

For me it’s okay, if she knows.
One of My husbands best friend is female. They do stuff 1:1 all the time. Call/text daily, do lunch dates, shopping, stay over after their work do in a hotel etc. She will happily call at 6am when her pipe burst and DH runs straight around & she moved from being 45 mins away on the train to a 2 minute walk.
My husband loves me and our kids. I trust him, and her. Just because she has a vagina doesn’t mean she can’t be his friend.
It would be the transparency that would be my measure-not the nature of the relationship with him

notquitealonealone · 26/12/2020 20:33

No I would say, not ok.
But also I want to say that you are doing the absolute right thing getting a second opinion and please ignore anyone jumping down your throat.
You haven’t done anything wrong and sounds like you have no intention to.

He, on the other hand, sounds like he may have other, not so innocent, intentions.
I’d politely decline and leave it there.

Please don’t confuse his ‘support’ for actual support. And I hope your pressures at home give you some respite soon. It’s hard to know to be fair when there’s pressures in your life who’s your friend. And it’s so nice to have someone to rely on, help shoulder the burden. I am not sure that his intentions are this though.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 26/12/2020 20:36

@Sweetooth92

For me it’s okay, if she knows. One of My husbands best friend is female. They do stuff 1:1 all the time. Call/text daily, do lunch dates, shopping, stay over after their work do in a hotel etc. She will happily call at 6am when her pipe burst and DH runs straight around & she moved from being 45 mins away on the train to a 2 minute walk. My husband loves me and our kids. I trust him, and her. Just because she has a vagina doesn’t mean she can’t be his friend. It would be the transparency that would be my measure-not the nature of the relationship with him
You are way more understanding than most women would be Shock
Blahblahblahzz · 26/12/2020 20:37

Perv. Step back.