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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too many texts from a married man?

55 replies

LadyLightning · 26/12/2020 18:56

I have a friend at work I have known for many years. He is married, ( I was invited to the wedding but was away at the time). He never talks about his home life, and has always been very flirty in the office. He always seemed harmless to me, and I always felt comfortable with him. A few years ago there were some allegations of inappropriate behaviour made against him, but he was cleared of wrong doing. We have always had a friendly relationship, but in the last few months have had more online contact because of changes to work, and this has led to increasingly frequent texts. I am under a lot of pressure at home (single but with responsibilities for disabled relatives) and he has been a really great support - he texts me, and we met once for a meal back when it was ok to do so. Last week we were commenting on Christmas movies and he made a comment about taking me to a movie when life is back to normal. I really appreciate his support but I am wondering if this seems ok to others? AIBU to feel uncomfortable? If it were your husband, would you be ok with that?

OP posts:
QueenoftheAir · 26/12/2020 20:48

Last week we were commenting on Christmas movies and he made a comment about taking me to a movie when life is back to normal. I really appreciate his support but I am wondering if this seems ok to others? AIBU to feel uncomfortable? If it were your husband, would you be ok with that?

Don't worry about what other people think - it's enough that you're uncomfortable.

I would be, too OP. As a single woman I am sick and tired of married men using me to "spice up" their lives. I am not there to be flirted with because they're bored with their wives.

I have feelings and my feelings are important. So say NO very clearly to this man. He's using you.

It's absolutely nothing to do with his wife - you are the important person here.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/12/2020 21:02

Good point by @QueenoftheAir.

But yes I would feel uncomfortable too and I am sure his wife would also not be happy.

Big step back

Jobsharenightmare · 26/12/2020 21:14

If he was my husband I wouldn't be happy with this. You're not friends from uni etc, but colleagues do the boundaries are way off.

I can't imagine my OH going for dinners and a movie with a woman I've never met. Would your husband mind that if you had one? I don't think is OK at all.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/12/2020 21:18

He needs to be put back in his box the lines are blurred here

SarahBellam · 26/12/2020 21:31

Depends on what you think his intentions might be. Going out for a meal can mean anything from grabbing a salad in Pret at lunchtime to a candle lit Michelin starred 7 course tasting menu with matching wines. The former is perfectly fine and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if my DP was doing that with colleagues every day of the week. If it was the latter we’d be having words. Equally, if he and his female colleague were massive Star Wars fans and wanted to see the latest movie but I didn’t I’d have no problem with that. If he wanted to take his colleague to see a Jennifer Anniston romantic comedy or Fifty Shades of Grey I’d be Hmm. Remember that he is married and if you feel he’s overstepping boundaries go with your gut.

Mlm1236 · 26/12/2020 21:40

I'd be very surprised if his wife knows how flirty he is at work, that he's gone out for a meal with you and wants to go to the cinema with you. I don't think you've done anything wrong, but you're being naive if you don't think he has an ulterior motive. I'd definitely back off completely 😊.

stuffedforchristmas · 26/12/2020 21:44

I wouldn't be friends or feel comfortable with a married man who was flirty with other women. His poor wife.

Suzi888 · 26/12/2020 21:46

I’d be very, very careful not to keep replying in this caseHmm

Suzi888 · 26/12/2020 21:49

“Equally, if he and his female colleague were massive Star Wars fans and wanted to see the latest movie but I didn’t I’d have no problem with that. ... to some men that’s the equivalent of porn” Wink seriously

Natsel84 · 26/12/2020 21:59

No I wouldn't be ok with this..
If his wife doesn't know about your friendship and found out you were texting and going for a meal and he planned a possible movie to go and watch together .. then I should imagine she wouldn't be vest pleased . I think he could be testing the water with you. Take a big step back.

QueenoftheAir · 26/12/2020 22:05

To clarify: I don't think the OP's first concern should be this man's wife - her first concern should be looking after herself. Married en have a terrible way of playing fast & loose with single women's feelings. They can be pretty scummy about it - they think that single women are always available to them.

So keep yourself safe, OP. His wife is not your concern; your feelings are.

Graphista · 26/12/2020 22:06

I dont want to be over reacting to someone who is just being friendly and supportive

Do you want a reputation at work for succeeding not on merit but by who you associated with and how you associated with them?

I'm guessing he's also more senior than you and was more senior than the person or people who made the allegations?

It takes a lot for someone to make such allegations and in the current climate of sexual politics I wouldn't be so sure there was no wrong doing there!

I suspect if it all flared up at work you'd be the one who's job was at risk

@Sweetooth92 sorry but I strongly suspect you're being taken for a mug there!

Skyla2005 · 26/12/2020 22:16

Think about it from his wife’s point of view. I bet she doesn’t know his asked another woman to the cinema ! Wanker

venusandmars · 26/12/2020 22:48

I'm married, my work colleague is married. We both enjoy eating out and often our work meetings are arranged around lunch somewhere nice.

Occasionally we have work events where we are away, together. We might have dinner somewhere lovely, sometimes with other colleagues, sometimes just the two of us.

We were away together in a city and there was a new film showing. Colleague and I would both have enjoyed it (and our spouses would both be less interested). But... it didn't feel right. It would have felt like a boundary crossed. For us, eating out feels OK but another environment doesn't.

Maybe that's because over the (many) years, it has always been open and above board. And accepted as part of the norm by all of us. If I suddenly came home and said that I had been to the cinema with colleague, I think it would feel a bit 'off' to my dh.

You have to know your own boundaries. You have to know your own relationship. You have to know your own motivation and secret desires (if there are any).

And in the context of all of the above, my dh and his dw are well acquainted. And all 4 of us meet up occasionally. There would be no hiding places.

nosswith · 27/12/2020 09:02

I wonder about his inappropriate behaviour, and whether he was cleared because it could be proven, as opposed to being falsely accused. It makes me wonder if he is testing the water to misbehave in future.

Say no and steer well clear.

PicsInRed · 27/12/2020 09:59

@Sweetooth92

For me it’s okay, if she knows. One of My husbands best friend is female. They do stuff 1:1 all the time. Call/text daily, do lunch dates, shopping, stay over after their work do in a hotel etc. She will happily call at 6am when her pipe burst and DH runs straight around & she moved from being 45 mins away on the train to a 2 minute walk. My husband loves me and our kids. I trust him, and her. Just because she has a vagina doesn’t mean she can’t be his friend. It would be the transparency that would be my measure-not the nature of the relationship with him
Oh dear, PP.
PicsInRed · 27/12/2020 10:01

OP, do you want to be an OW or not?

You have agency here. It's a choice. Make your choice.

Dontletitbeyou · 27/12/2020 10:08

I dont want to be part of something that has a negative impact on a marriage and would rather duck out sooner than later if it is going that way.

Excellent , nows the time for you to duck out . Suggesting he take you out for a movie sounds lovely and cosy . Dud he invite his wife . You know it’s sketchy . He sounds like your everyday bog standard office sleaze . He’s got form . Pity his poor wife .

itsgettingaberrylikechristmas · 27/12/2020 11:37

This is not ok. You need to start setting boundaries. The poor wife!!! In fact you sound like my dh boss. She is his boss but she is so needy, for someone so high up in her career. She is constantly wanting reassurance from him.
it's ridiculous and if I had a way to tell her to back off I would.

Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 08:43

I’m married and have a married friend at work, we get on really well and message each other every day. From the outside I guess that could look weird but we are just friends, there’s nothing more to it.

Pechanga · 28/12/2020 09:49

I would be ok with my DH texting a colleague about work related things, possibly some friendly chat 'how was your weekend' type of thing in amongst work discussions.

I would not be comfortable with jokes and memes being sent that are personal and regular...inside jokes between clue friends (unless it's a general work type related joke - once in a blue moon)

I would definitely not be comfortable with a meal out (just the two of you!?)

And definitely not a movie date!

It's also a red flag that he doesn't talk about his wife to you.

You need to pull back and make this more professional than special friendship (you said you have lots of friends so I'm sure you can do without this one - it sounds wrong and complicated and will 100% hurt his wife and marriage if it continues)

Pechanga · 28/12/2020 09:51

*close friends

SmileyClare · 28/12/2020 09:58

You need to pull back and make this more professional than special friendship

I became very good friends with a male colleague, we had the same sense of humour and we're always making each other laugh, we had a similar upbringing and just got on.

However, when he wanted to start an affair, I refused. Because of that rejection, he turned very cold towards me, it was uncomfortable working together, he started being quite cruel. I caught him once laughing with another guy over how I looked. I ended up leaving the job.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 10:01

You don’t actually know if his wife knows or not? She might do?

Behind her back not ok, if she knows fully fine.

Hailtomyteeth · 28/12/2020 10:10

@Sweetooth92
I'd be having a closer look at that one.
My neighbour's mistress moved in a couple of minutes walk away... so that every time her husband went out, neighbour could nip round and shag her. Sounds like your husband has a commitment to her that's as great as his commitment to you. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.