Views on lone porn in a relationship

[alwaysthinking88]

Literally that really. Just want to see what people think is acceptable not in a relationship.

I've been going through some issues in my marriage. Sex life great. He watches porn st ever opportunity he can when I'm not in/asleep etc.
I'm no prude, but I don't agree with porn.
What are tour opinions? I've read so many stories about men who watch porn are more likely to cheat, and some people who think porn is a form of cheating.
What's your view?

My ex left me in bed one day "I'm just off to get a drink" - he went downstairs and never returned. I went down looking for him to check that he was OK and he was sat there watching porn .

He literally left me to go and watch porn.

The relationship never regained itself and even now with my new partner I am affected by this (my own issue i know).

But if you are not happy with it, for whatever reason, you need to communicate this to/with him x

@hillarypcof
I've had a very similar experience with him, not nice at all is it

@covidaintacrime

All men watch porn, and it’s incredibly naive to think otherwise.

Utter nonsense, this pops up on every thread about porn and it's never true. There are men who do not watch porn for a variety of reasons (as there are women).

There are plenty of men who wouldn't even be interested in watching porn.

I love porn alone partner doesn't like it
Never cheated

@BubblyBarbara

You can ditch your partner at any time for any reason

You can but it might not be a decent thing to do in many situations.

"Decency" is still not a good reason to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship.

"Decency" is still not a good reason to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship.

I think decency and obligation can be good reasons to stay in a saveable relationship during tricky times whether that’s something like the stress of having a baby, a change in libidos (common topic here lately), or a shift in porn usage.

I personally don't see anything wrong with porn use, but what I wouldn't like in your situation OP is that you say he uses it every time you're out - which makes it sound like he's on it as soon as you're out the front door? That I wouldn't like. It's the difference between someone liking a occasional glass of wine, or downing vodka as soon as they know you're out the door - big difference. He does sound addicted and I would not like that, because it sounds like his sexual focus is porn and not you.

I'm 100 percent against it I would leave in a heartbeat . I think it's a form of cheating and he now knows it . He would be out on his ass if I ever found out he was watching it

That stat about porn sites being in the top 10 of visited sites is incredible. 350 million visits a month and 4 billion views a month! I am gobsmacked

It's a horrible habit.

OP - not sure what you are looking for from this post.
A quick search on MN would show you that porn pops up regularly, and comments are always the same.
Some people think it’s cheating; some object to it based on women exploitation; some are OK with it.
Point is - these threads never lead anywhere because they are mostly not discussions of logical points - they are emotional for many people. Porn strongly reinforces people’s insecurities - looking at other people with sexual interest of any kind threatens us as we think our partner may leave us for them.
So no amount of logical arguments about masturbation and visual stimulation helps.

So - since your H’s masturbation seems to make you unhappy - it’s up to you what you do with it. If the unhappiness of it is stronger than what you get from the rest of your relationship on physical and emotional level, and if it’s worth losing a family unit for your child over it - it’s your choice to make

relationships are about bending to accommodate the other person (and vice versa).

If sex life is fine i really wouldnt worry about it.

It may be he has a higher sex drive, or has an interest in a particular niche that turns him on.

Id much rather my DH watched a bit of niche porn than decide he wants to bang my arsehole 3 times a day.

I think women who ban porn watching end up suffering in the long term relationship wise.

Personally, occasional watching doesn't bother me at all. I'm a woman, currently living apart from my boyfriend, and we both will occasionally watch porn (him probably less than me). I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I'm an independent woman and like to embrace my sexuality. Part of that is via my sex life with my partner, but part of that is sometimes by myself. It's not cheating in my eyes either - if a man said to me that I'd cheated on him by watching porn, then honestly I'd find him too insecure for me. I'd also never physically, or emotionally, cheat on my boyfriend in real life. In fact, my boyfriend is the only person I'm properly attracted to and I would choose to have sex with him over any other man, hands down. I know porn makes some woman insecure, but it doesn't for me as I know it's insanely unrealistic.

At the end of the day, it's your decision what you're comfortable with. Whilst I've said occasional watching is fine for me, I wouldn't be happy with excessive watching (more than once/twice a week). Watching porn whilst your partner is in the house is, in the majority of cases, inappropriate for me. Unless there's a reason we're not having sex, e.g medical, then I wouldn't be happy with this. I'd find watching porn, whilst your sex life is non-existent with your partner, inappropriate. Also, anything verging on an addiction would be alarming for me.

I'm actually shocked at the number of woman on here who are completely against and ban their partners from watching it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I can't imagine ever banning my partner from anything.

@Enchanted100 I'm surprised too especially given the porn site view stats. I think a lot pp are lying/boasting, being lied to, or they're wilfully oblivious.

Porn is part of a wider context of individuals connecting to markets and not each other. Now I can just go on my phone but 20 years ago I definitely wouldn't watch/read porn. I'd need to do a pink panther routine in a newsagents to get nude pictures of women that people think I should be attracted to but I actually don't find attractive at all.

But also 20 years ago I wouldn't be chatting to strangers at 2am because a storm is keeping dd and me up. I'd probably be chatting to a mate doing that free call thing where you had to hang up before the hour ended and ring back to not be charged.

Personally, I hate porn and wouldn't like my husband watching it.

But it's really what is right for you. You do sound fed up and pissed off and I don't blame you. You say you have a higher sex drive than your dh and your sex life isn't affected, is that right? There are probably a lot of different reasons for not liking porn so it may help to work out what your reasons are and have a conversation with your dh.

Good luck, you've shown a real strength of character here and I really wish you all the best.

You write 'at every opportunity'. A red flag to me. Apart from issues such as supporting the exploitation of the women (and men) involved, it will give him a warped view of sex and bodies.

I never understand the point of these posts.
View this site on any given day and you'll see that this is an incredibly common impasse in heterosexual relationships.
A petition signed by any number of women is not going to change a man's general view towards porn.
You've already identified your options, which are to tell him it bothers you, see how he reacts and decide to stick or leave with that information.

Regardless of how you view this, he clearly sees this as an arbitrary (and controlling) restriction being placed on him and has taken the cowardly option of attempting to hide his behaviour rather than outright refusal or compromise.

It might help the conversation if you define your terms.
Are you unhappy with him masturbating at all or is it just the porn?
If it's porn, is your objection an ethical one?
Can he use Instagram or Tik Tok or Onlyfans where adults freely post sexual imagery of themselves?
Can he use no aids at all and if so are you ok with the fact that he'll likely be imagining women that he comes into contact with in daily life who are not you (because if he didn't have any desire for novelty, he wouldn't be using porn)?
This is important because giving him a blanket ban on any sexual release that isn't mediated by their SO is something that most PEOPLE would balk at (outside of kink communities), so define his options.

The truth is that men who don't use porn are pretty rare,though men who lie about it are fairly common, and men who have a "healthy" sexual appetite but don't use porn at all are a pretty small cross-section of society. You're the only one who can really decide if you feel strongly enough and your marriage is poor enough to tank it over this.

@DedlyMedally

I never understand the point of these posts. View this site on any given day and you'll see that this is an incredibly common impasse in heterosexual relationships. A petition signed by any number of women is not going to change a man's general view towards porn. You've already identified your options, which are to tell him it bothers you, see how he reacts and decide to stick or leave with that information.

Regardless of how you view this, he clearly sees this as an arbitrary (and controlling) restriction being placed on him and has taken the cowardly option of attempting to hide his behaviour rather than outright refusal or compromise.

It might help the conversation if you define your terms.
Are you unhappy with him masturbating at all or is it just the porn?
If it's porn, is your objection an ethical one?
Can he use Instagram or Tik Tok or Onlyfans where adults freely post sexual imagery of themselves?
Can he use no aids at all and if so are you ok with the fact that he'll likely be imagining women that he comes into contact with in daily life who are not you (because if he didn't have any desire for novelty, he wouldn't be using porn)?
This is important because giving him a blanket ban on any sexual release that isn't mediated by their SO is something that most PEOPLE would balk at (outside of kink communities), so define his options.

The truth is that men who don't use porn are pretty rare,though men who lie about it are fairly common, and men who have a "healthy" sexual appetite but don't use porn at all are a pretty small cross-section of society. You're the only one who can really decide if you feel strongly enough and your marriage is poor enough to tank it over this.

This.

Balanced and sensible post, should be at the top of all porn threads.

"are you ok with the fact that he'll likely be imagining women that he comes into contact with in daily life who are not you (because if he didn't have any desire for novelty, he wouldn't be using porn)?"

• Yikes. Really? Seems like staying single is the best option.

@DedlyMedally

I never understand the point of these posts. View this site on any given day and you'll see that this is an incredibly common impasse in heterosexual relationships. A petition signed by any number of women is not going to change a man's general view towards porn. You've already identified your options, which are to tell him it bothers you, see how he reacts and decide to stick or leave with that information.

Regardless of how you view this, he clearly sees this as an arbitrary (and controlling) restriction being placed on him and has taken the cowardly option of attempting to hide his behaviour rather than outright refusal or compromise.

It might help the conversation if you define your terms.
Are you unhappy with him masturbating at all or is it just the porn?
If it's porn, is your objection an ethical one?
Can he use Instagram or Tik Tok or Onlyfans where adults freely post sexual imagery of themselves?
Can he use no aids at all and if so are you ok with the fact that he'll likely be imagining women that he comes into contact with in daily life who are not you (because if he didn't have any desire for novelty, he wouldn't be using porn)?
This is important because giving him a blanket ban on any sexual release that isn't mediated by their SO is something that most PEOPLE would balk at (outside of kink communities), so define his options.

The truth is that men who don't use porn are pretty rare,though men who lie about it are fairly common, and men who have a "healthy" sexual appetite but don't use porn at all are a pretty small cross-section of society. You're the only one who can really decide if you feel strongly enough and your marriage is poor enough to tank it over this.

I don't care what social media he uses, but a paid subscription to a site like only fans which you mentioned, Id have an issue with yes. Paying girls for a subscription to see their naked pictures? No. To be fair, I know he wouldn't pay for that anyway. Free porn for him he likes but he wouldn't part with money for it. But you mentioned am I ok with him using his imagination to get off, I don't care about how often he masturbates, but why do people need to do this over other people?

@DedlyMedally

I never understand the point of these posts. View this site on any given day and you'll see that this is an incredibly common impasse in heterosexual relationships. A petition signed by any number of women is not going to change a man's general view towards porn. You've already identified your options, which are to tell him it bothers you, see how he reacts and decide to stick or leave with that information.

Regardless of how you view this, he clearly sees this as an arbitrary (and controlling) restriction being placed on him and has taken the cowardly option of attempting to hide his behaviour rather than outright refusal or compromise.

It might help the conversation if you define your terms.
Are you unhappy with him masturbating at all or is it just the porn?
If it's porn, is your objection an ethical one?
Can he use Instagram or Tik Tok or Onlyfans where adults freely post sexual imagery of themselves?
Can he use no aids at all and if so are you ok with the fact that he'll likely be imagining women that he comes into contact with in daily life who are not you (because if he didn't have any desire for novelty, he wouldn't be using porn)?
This is important because giving him a blanket ban on any sexual release that isn't mediated by their SO is something that most PEOPLE would balk at (outside of kink communities), so define his options.

The truth is that men who don't use porn are pretty rare,though men who lie about it are fairly common, and men who have a "healthy" sexual appetite but don't use porn at all are a pretty small cross-section of society. You're the only one who can really decide if you feel strongly enough and your marriage is poor enough to tank it over this.

Maybe I'm old fashioned relationship wise (but as I say, certainly no prude) but he's enough for me. I aren't interested in anything else to get me off, porn or imagining random men I know, no, he's enough.

As I've just replied to one thread
"Maybe I'm old fashioned relationship wise (but as I say, certainly no prude) but he's enough for me. I aren't interested in anything else to get me off, porn or imagining random men I know, no, he's enough"

I started this post to try to understand things, as I said, I heard it was known that men who watch porn are more likely to cheat.

Me- I'm very loyal in a relationship. If I needed more to get me off, I wouldn't be with that person. There's very little sexually that I wouldn't do with him. But what I don't get. Is why people think it's ok for their SO to lust over other people. Some people class it as cheating, some don't. I do, and that's my opinion, each to their own
I won't be commenting to further threads but thanks for everyone who has

Well it's not a popular opinion on Mumsnet but IMO even in a marriage people are entitled to a private/fantasy life. You don't have the right to dictate to someone what they can and can't do in private - it's not "boundaries", it's controlling behaviour. If it bothers you that much you can always walk away from the relationship.

But tbh you'd be hard pressed to find a man who doesn't watch porn, and a large number of women watch it too (something like 1/3 of the audience of mainstream porn sites is women). It's just part of life now and women who think their man doesn't watch it are massively kidding themselves.

The 'at every opportunity' seems odd and unhealthy to me, even without your opinions on porn on the table. Like, even if we're discussing the concept of ethical porn, that often would be concerning even if sex was fine.

I don't view porn as cheating. I was neutral to it when I was younger - not really my or my spouse's thing (always been more written erotica people, if anything), and have since grown to dislike it more after years of hearing terrible abusive stories coming out of the industries around it (see what's currently happening with PornHub as it scrambles to salvage itself after years of people pointing out it's hosting child rape is finally getting some legal power) and concerns around the impact of social systems encouraging the commodification of other people in this way.

The impact some of these photos, videos and porn sites have had on people - neither of us tried to 'ban' the other, but as these stories came out, we'd talk about them and what appeal these things might have had faded & we chose differently. There have been written stories or erotic drawings I've equally lost interest in over the years, some because the creator was dodgy and some I just was no longer interested, but none have really had the impact of some of the awful events within pornography. I just can't get into it anymore and I'd find it hard to be compatible with someone who eagerly dove into that stuff without a care with all that's come out on it.

I find the 'all men watch porn thing' kinda funny, as it reminds me growing up of the mantras of how all men eat meat and all men drink beer, but while some may doubt their masculinity, I've not yet heard the idea that vegetarian and vegan men (whether for ethical or just don't like the taste reasons) or teetotal men (or drink other types of alcohol) are entirely a naive myth dreamed up by women because we're insecure or something even with stories of men who turn out to be lying.

It's just part of life now and women who think their man doesn't watch it are massively kidding themselves.

Why do people keep saying this? Sure you can't dictate what your partner does, but you can make your boundaries known and they can choose what they'd like to do after understanding them. I hate this idea that you should just silently put up with things you don't like because "it's just a part of life" or "all men watch it" (which isn't even true).