Please help me NOT waste my time...yes or no to this?

[PaperLaperRock]

I’ve always had a habit of going for men who are very busy, usually in a job context, and not hugely available to me in the sense that I have to fit around them. Part of this is that I am good at managing my work and my days that i don’t mind driving or cooking etc, and I’m m quite happy doing my own thing and easy going in that respect. However I would love a close knit relationship generally and I’m aware of my tendency to go for men who are like this. I now try to avoid it. I don’t know if I’ve gone too far here though...

Chatting to a very polite man who has a busy job. He was very chatting on the online messaging, maybe taking a couple of days to reply each time - all fine. I suggest a we exchange numbers and chat - he says great. We chat one night - he texts afterwards to say it was nice and when am I free again to speak or meet for a walk? We speak another night, another two hours. He’s well mannered and asks about my day etc.

This time I suggest meeting for the walk over the weekend. We arrange Sunday, he says he’s free all the time as he’s off work and obviously nowhere is open. He says he’s looking forward to it. But I could sense he would cancel I’m not sure why! He was polite as usual so I don’t know why I thought this. Anyway, today I have a message saying let’s do another time, maybe another weekend... first he’s off all week so that’s odd isn’t it? Even if he thought I was working why not actually set a time for next weekend? I just replied saying ok let me know and wished him a good day.

I realise all this makes me sound like hard work! I promise I’m not...I’m actually just trying to be careful about things for once, rather than going for men who show signs of being unable to commit from the outset that I miss and then end up wasting my time with later on.

I just feel a bit cold to him since we had such good chats and then for him to cancel like that doesn’t seem like dating is a priority for him?

How sure are you that he's not living with someone? Anyone who's single and living alone and wanting to date would surely want to meet up?

People that aren't available at the week-end are generally coupled-up in my experience.

Have you checked he's single?

He’s definitely single...well 99% sure. Sadly I’m very used to online dating and have done cross checking on LinkedIn and Facebook and Instagram - I always do this before meeting someone as there are some bad people on the sites!

He’s had comments about being alone in the pandemic and brother commenting jokes about him on his own, dating only days before we started speaking. I’m almost certain he’s single otherwise that’s one hell of a set up.

I wouldn't have even responded to his message.
If he was keen he wouldn't have cancelled.
Straight away you've given him the power in my eyes.
You don't sound as if you know your own value.

@OhDearMuriel really? That’s interesting to read! See I thought if I didn’t reply that was me being a bit of a dick...we’ve never met and he’s given me a bit of notice to cancel. Comments like yours make me wonder about myself sometimes. Urgh I hate dating.

Yes I'd delete and block. He's wasting your time.

Oh gawd what’s wrong with me. Never cross my mind to block after that. This is why I’m fucking single. I’d even said to myself I would give him a go for a few weeks as I liked him and thought it had prospects after the long conversations.

Nope.
Next..

I would reply - no problem and leave it for him to contact you. If he doesn't then don't message him. I think lots of people mess around chatting but have absolutely no intention of meeting up.

I don’t think you should him him just yet. It could be a number of things, anxiety? Forgot he was meeting up with a family member? Not well? I’d see if he apologised for it when you do meet up. If he does it again then bin.

@cansu that’s effectively what I’ve done but after reading these posts I think I should block.

I’ve no idea why someone would chat for hours like that and then cancel when they’ve even said they’re totally free for the next week. I’m in no doubt he’s single. But ffs what a waste of my time

Perhaps you're a bit too nice and flexible and he's sussed that already.

Above everything, ALWAYS know your value.

@DragonLegs his message was very firm but polite, no apology or real explanation just that he thought we should do another time. Tbh I’m over it having messaged about it on here. I think what’s bothered me is that he’s clearly not too fussed about a relationship otherwise you’d want to meet. He’s 39 too so it’s not like he’s in the middle of travelling the world or into drinking with friends every weekend (obviously now we can’t do either anyway)

I had this with someone on OLD a while back. They later revealed they had to cancel because they were keeping their “irons in the fire” and our date clashed with a date with someone else. No hard feelings. It happens but, yes, was a bit of a knock to my pride. Didn’t go any further, but for other reasons.

Next!
He is wasting your time. Maybe bored at home and chatting gives him a boost it arranged to meet someone else instead.
Don't take it personally.

I noticed you suggested going for the walk.
In future always let the man take the initiative.

I wouldn't contact him again, for whatever reason he is clearly not interested in you. He'll probably contact you when he's bored or fancies his chances.

@OhDearMuriel he suggested a walk the first time. I said let’s have another call. Then I suggested a walk after that. Just seems odd as he was all for it in messages.

I find this happens loads with online dating and I'm like you OP I can guess when its coming. I think most people are chatting to several at once and get a ' better offer' so cancel the date they've already arranged. Its crap but seems really common. Did he seem keen to rearrange another date or has he left it vague?

OP this sentence But I could sense he would cancel I’m not sure why! Stood out to me.
This sentence explicitly shows you are intuitive and have a gut feeling/instinct that is way trying to tell you the situation.
Congrats for having a good intuition and gut feeling but always, always listen to it even if at the time you're not sure why.

My intuition is excellent but for years I ignored it. When I started to listen to it I finally stopped wasting my time with losers.

He did vaguely suggest the following weekend, yes. But he’s off work for 12 days so unless he assumed I was working all the time (I’m not) we could have done it in the week. He could also have fixed a time for next weekend. I’m not sad or upset about it just fucking had enough of all this shit. I can’t take anymore of it. It’s not even like it’s happened much before, I’m usually not interested after a first chat and that’s then but I’m so fed up of being single and having to even do all of this. I despise it. At 37 I don’t feel like I have time to take a break from it either really. I don’t want a family alone so that’s a no. Also to be clear I don’t talk about this stuff with dates, I just see how things go. I’m not full on like that at all.

I’ve deleted his number, anyway.

@TossCointoYerWitcher

I had this with someone on OLD a while back. They later revealed they had to cancel because they were keeping their “irons in the fire” and our date clashed with a date with someone else. No hard feelings. It happens but, yes, was a bit of a knock to my pride. Didn’t go any further, but for other reasons.

It’ll be this, OP, people are rarely only chatting to just one person. He’ll be seeing someone else today who seems to him like a better prospect than you do at the moment.

It’s been years since I was OLD but I would never waste hours chatting to just one person - few brief conversations and arrange a date, see if there was any actual attraction or chemistry in real life. I’d usually have 3-4 dates lined up at any one time and when one went so well that it would have felt awkward going on others, the others would get cancelled. Obviously the pandemic is stopping all that at the moment, I don’t have any useful suggestions to be honest. Not sure I’d be trying to date at all right now, with it basically being illegal to snog anyone anyway! Not helpful I know.

@MawkishHawk yes I think the chatting is a bit of a waste of time you’re right.

I actually don’t think he’s got other dates planned. Obviously I can’t know for sure and it doesn’t actually matter. God I hate dating!

I had a couple of men who would chat almost constantly, good morning every morning, good night etc. One of them wouldn't arrange to meet at all after several weeks chatting, always busy but he checked out as single on social media etc. Another met me once briefly and then kept chatting but wouldn't meet again, always had an excuse, again definitely single.

Lots of men (and probably women) just want a penpal, someone for company and to feel like they're in a relationship but they don't actually want to have to make time for you or change their lives in any way.

After that they met me after no more than two weeks, and I kept the chat light or it was fine and they were blocked.

There's a difference between knowing your own worth & being so far up your own butt you can no longer see daylight.

I disagree that you should have ignored his message, that's just rude. He sent you a message & gave you plenty of notice. He didn't ghost you. Blocking him is a duck move too.

I think a polite but cool message is the best option. 'OK, no problem. Life happens' Then leave it to him to get in touch.

It's also no longer 1950, you don't have to sit at home waiting for a man to choose you! 🙄🙄

If he doesn't get in touch again, just assume something in his life has changed, but he doesn't feel able to talk about it, don't take it personally

If he gets in touch again, just see how you feel & take it from there. Online dating is hard, but I expect Covid has made it even harder. There's a lot going on in people's lives & it's not always easy to discuss it with people you've only just met online.

Take care.