Please help me NOT waste my time...yes or no to this?

[PaperLaperRock]

I’ve always had a habit of going for men who are very busy, usually in a job context, and not hugely available to me in the sense that I have to fit around them. Part of this is that I am good at managing my work and my days that i don’t mind driving or cooking etc, and I’m m quite happy doing my own thing and easy going in that respect. However I would love a close knit relationship generally and I’m aware of my tendency to go for men who are like this. I now try to avoid it. I don’t know if I’ve gone too far here though...

Chatting to a very polite man who has a busy job. He was very chatting on the online messaging, maybe taking a couple of days to reply each time - all fine. I suggest a we exchange numbers and chat - he says great. We chat one night - he texts afterwards to say it was nice and when am I free again to speak or meet for a walk? We speak another night, another two hours. He’s well mannered and asks about my day etc.

This time I suggest meeting for the walk over the weekend. We arrange Sunday, he says he’s free all the time as he’s off work and obviously nowhere is open. He says he’s looking forward to it. But I could sense he would cancel I’m not sure why! He was polite as usual so I don’t know why I thought this. Anyway, today I have a message saying let’s do another time, maybe another weekend... first he’s off all week so that’s odd isn’t it? Even if he thought I was working why not actually set a time for next weekend? I just replied saying ok let me know and wished him a good day.

I realise all this makes me sound like hard work! I promise I’m not...I’m actually just trying to be careful about things for once, rather than going for men who show signs of being unable to commit from the outset that I miss and then end up wasting my time with later on.

I just feel a bit cold to him since we had such good chats and then for him to cancel like that doesn’t seem like dating is a priority for him?

@ElfieElfington yes I think it’s exactly that. Its just not being arsed at all either way. Which is fine but don’t say on your profile you’re looking for a relationship... I think his age is a flag to me too though. By almost 40 if you don’t want to prioritise a relationship then you never will.

Echo what other have said here.

Trust your intuition
Don't tolerate any shit. Not even a tiny bit. Being late, cancelling or just saying something annoying would be an immediate goodbye. I recall one saying something that vaguely reminded me of my exH. I just turned and walked out.
They're here to impress you, not the other way round.
Don't make someone you're priority if you're clearly not theirs.
Don't just stick to one. I used to have at least 3 on the go, which meant that if they did something that annoyed me, I still had irons in the fire.

Sounds harsh, but it's the easiest way of sifting the shit from the ones worth bothering with. Your time is precious, don't waste any time or head space on people who don't treat you properly.

And yes to definitely seeing a red flag to a 40 year old whose never had a serious relationship. I'd say divorced are better because it shows they've at least tried to commit. (Although why they're divorced could also be red flags..)

Thanks everyone. I’m not upset about him specifically. Just sad that I’m still on my own even after getting out there and trying to change it. I don’t want to be messed about though and I’ve written him off.

If he was upset about not meeting you he'd have apologised and explained why he can't meet. It seems like you are just a time filler to him to pass boredom I'm afraid. He can't be bothered to actually meet in real life. I've come across lots of these types online dating. I'd just block after a cancellation like that. Don't let him waste anymore of your time.

I would disagree. One rearranged date wouldnt be the end of the world or a blocking offence for me because life happens some times.

I would consider it a warning though and keep an eye on signs you are being shunted around due to being low priority

@Notdeliasmith I would usually agree (hence why I’ve wasted so much time before probably ) but given hed said himself he was doing nothing for the next 10 days...not sure what really could have come up or why he wouldn’t set a time for an alternative. He just sort of said maybe next weekend? I don’t know. I give up.

@PaperLaperRock dont give up! (I mean on dating etc in general, feel free to give up on him if you arent feeling it!)

Dating (especially online dating) is hard and the etiquette is impossible to get right. This thread is a classic example of that people saying to bin him off because hes probably talking to other people whilst others saying they spoke to multiple people at the same time (while presumably being nice, date worthy people). Its difficult to get tone etc via messaging and to properly get to know someone.

Eg this bloke could be a massive flake and this is common for him, or he could be genuinely sorry and something has come up

Its tempting to fall into the goal oriented style of dating, but realistically it's just seeing if you are compatible. That's for both of you! You both should be right for the other one, or close enough that it works. I'd expect that the person above who would delete someone who is late or "slightly annoying" would also expect her date to delete her if she met the same categories.

You dont have to be someone you are not, you are just getting to know someone.

I probably have a slightly different view though because I'm a woman who date women so sometimes am shocked by the sexist responses in threads about dating

Thanks @Notdeliasmith if it was a normal non pandemic busy week I wouldn’t really give it too much thought. Just think it’s lack of desire to prioritise dating in this instance. I feel super low today, life is feeling rather bleak.

Is it anything to do with moving into tier 4? Do you live in different tiers?

No @Taciturn it couldn’t be that. Tbh I’m less bothered about why, just fed up of the whole thing.

Me and my now DH met online and cancelled a couple of times on each other before meeting as we both had busy full lives. Nothing else to it. Also agree don’t waste your time with all the OLD pre-date chat. How people come across virtually and in person are often very different. Too much pre-chat and you become invested and get your hopes up before you even get the real measure of a person.

brummymum1 Completely agree, it's too easy to get involved before you've even met, meeting quickly is the easiest way to decide if they're worth spending time on and if they don't make the effort to meet, block and move on.

I'm not quite clear on how he could of been chatty online, but take a couple of days to reply . I think that may be an indication that he's hardhearted about it. He would of got back to you sooner all along if he was interested.

I don’t feel involved with him really. Just fed up with dating. I have better things to do than waste time chatting with someone who doesn’t intend to meet. It makes me not want to bother and even though I’m late 30s now I think I’m going to have to give it a break. Very fed up.

@Opentooffers yeah that’s true, I just meant he want quite lengthy in his replies and consistent with replying and taking the chat further. There was no indication he wasn’t looking for a relationship.

The red flag is that your response to feeling confused about the intentions of a man you've not even met yet leads you to an internet forum, rather than leading you to dropping him.

Needing to post on MN means you are uncomfortable. People who are in healthy relationships forget the internet exists at the start of their relationship! If you need advice on a relationship before it starts, don't start it.

I bet he isn't 39. He's older.

@Eckhart bit harsh, it’s a dating question not a relationship one! 😂 but I get your sentiment.

@OldWomanSaysThis what makes you say that?

You’re the catch here op, it’s his loss
I decided that I would give people a week to chat a bit, arrange to meet within 2 weeks and go from there. If a guy is keen then they’ll be happy to do this. If not I just moved on, endless chat just wastes people’s time yours and Theirs. It’s online dating not online chat and some men just want an ego boost and to chat to someone flirt etc. Just means you’re not chatting to one person and not others you can get back out there quicker and not invest so much in one person if they turn out to be flaky or don’t want to meet.

I did it for a few years op it’s really hard. I’m sure you’ll find someone lovely soon, set boundaries for your dating and what you’re prepared to accept and not.
Good luck

Ahhh OLD can be tough

So many to weed out

Keep going though OP

I can see how some posters think it's disproportionate to block/never message him again, however in all my years of online dating I have never come across a man who does what this man has done who actually turns out to be a nice guy.

He replied just now to say thanks for being understanding and we should do a later date but still no suggestion as to when.

Sort of want to call him out on it. But that’s just evening boredom, it’s obvious this one is a non starter!

I hope you’ve not answered.
He’s keeping his options open.