In laws - go no contact?

[MandB23]

I really really need some other perspectives and would appreciate anyone who could offer their’s.
It’s a long story.
I’ve been with my DH for 12 years. Early on it was quite clear the in laws didn’t like me very much as they felt like I’d ‘taken him away’ and we would spend more time with my family than his. We were 18/19 when we got together.
We had a bit of a fall out about 5 years in which started because they wanted me to go round on my birthday to get presents and me and my DH had planned to go for tea together. So we said we could come over afterwards. He didn’t live there at this point. They rang us throughout the evening to ask when we would be there which was a bit annoying when they knew our plans. We did get there at about 9 and I got annoyed because his brother and his gf were whispering whilst we all sat in the front room.
I said “if you want to whisper, why don’t you just go to another room”. They sniggered, looked very uncomfortable and then didn’t really say anything. They carried on with the whispering and I said to my MIL “I’m really sorry but it’s making me Uncomfortable and I’m going to go.” This caused a big argument where they told me I was ungrateful and rude and I’d been ‘dragged up’. I found that quote offensive. I was equally as offensive and said to my FIL that he’s a control freak and I won’t have him speak to me the way he does everybody else in the house.
This was the catalyst for a years worth of drama which led them to basically disown my DH. He worked for them at the time and they sacked him at work and told him to leave his company car. So he left work that day with nothing. They wanted him to choose and he wouldn’t choose them so that was that.
It went on a few years. They were quite unkind during this time with Facebook posts and I can honestly say I never wrote one towards them.
We made up because we had a baby and I basically turned up at their door when she was about 3 months old saying “are you really not going to sort this out?” And we did. We moved on. I thought. A few years of this and it’s been fine. Actually we were quite close at one point and they were there for me when our daughter was still born.
It started to change middle of last year and I think it was because I wanted to invite the FIL’s sister to my DH’s surprise birthday meal. They told me I shouldn’t but I said that I wanted to. There was one conversation about it but I didn’t change my mind. His dad then said well he wouldn’t come. I thought he was just saying this but he actually didn’t come and on the night my MIL made a fuss and we had to move people around so that she wasn’t sat near the auntie. I didn’t think much of this at the time but come September when my baby was born I noticed they weren’t really bothering with us and then looked back and realised that all of summer they hadn’t seen my eldest and had made excuses when usually they see her a lot and she adores them.
I then noticed FIL had deleted me and my DH off Facebook and just generally they had distanced themselves. They live a few minutes away but come December last year had only been round once to see us. Our youngest was in NICU for 3 weeks and when there they didn’t really bother either and we had to rely on friends a lot to help with our eldest.
I said something around Christmas time and it turned into an argument and then basically telling me to stop causing arguments and that I was making them upset.
They then sacked my husband again and didn’t pay him for the last week or his Christmas bonus.
It was awful. They said some awful stuff.
I said that I felt really hurt because I was so close to them after the still birth and I had his dad near me hours after giving birth and I felt comfortable around them when obviously they have never really liked me and I felt hurt by that. That it was all false.
They said that I’m always using my “dead baby” to get sympathy and lots of other horrible things.
Anyway I’ve continued to try and facilitate W relationship between them and the kids. My DH doesn’t want to know and won’t get involved. He’s obviously hurt by their actions and can’t manage that but it then puts pressure on me.
I have put effort into gifts for them this Christmas and they bought for the kids. The MIL has started to come and visit for a few minutes, just dropping stuff at the door. Since about Easter. I try to make her feel welcome and I want my kids to remain unaware of the situation. Covid has helped with that as that’s an excuse.
But, I’m feeling upset. Probably more than necessary. They bought my youngest a soft doll and she was really excited by it. I did a video of her kissing it and laughing and jumping around with it. She’s only 1 and I’ve never seen her his excited so I sent a message to say look how much she loves this - thank you so much, hope you’re all having a lovely day. Merry Christmas. She replied with Merry Christmas, thanks for the presents.
It just felt really cold. I was upset that she didn’t acknowledge the video and I realised it’s my own fault for giving too much and I need to take a step back and stop trying yo make it all ‘normal’ again.
But I’m really uncomfortable with her coming to my house and being normal to my face when she makes it clear in her messages that she still holds bad feelings.
Am I right to consider no contact?
My eldest loves her. But the rest of the family don’t bother and it makes things really awkward. They don’t come round or even ring on birthdays. And they also don’t really bother at all with my youngest. MIL brings things round for my eldest and just doesn’t really even speak to my youngest. It’s just really awkward and I hate the situation.
I think I’m feeling hurt that I’ve made the effort again and I realise I need to accept that it won’t ever be ‘normal’ between us.
But should I continue to facilitate contact which at the minute can only really be the MIL coming here and standing in the doorway for a few minutes. She has started to come in and sit
Down for 5 minutes.

I’m sorry but your FIL shagged the auntie or something of that ilk . She said Merry Christmas and she probably loved the video. Where in her messages has she indicated bad feelings. Some people are just more stoic. I do feel though that they seem a very passionate family and their reaction in sacking your DH isn’t on. That said you don’t need to snap at them and seem quite passionate too. I think you go low contact rather than no contact and just say it’s up to them to arrange to ensure you are in. Don’t take on the administrative nightmare. Why don’t they like your youngest though?

Louisetrees......i really hope not as she's his sister!

Make 2021 the year you stop bothering or caring...
Life is too short really...
Your eldest doesn't really know them does she? Stop trying to inflict toxic people on your dc just because they are related...

I'm just curious... Why did your in-laws not want the sister at the party, and why did you still invite her knowing how they felt about it?

Main thing is surely your DH's job. If you rely on this job provided by PIL it would seem best to get along with them and not make unnecessary drama.

Sorry but usually in these situations if the child (your husband) wants to go no contact with their parents then the spouse (you) should back him up. If this was you in the situation would you not be pissed off that you can't respect his decision and still facilitate these people into your own children's lives. Or the other way would be the wife moaning how horrible her husbands family are but he won't stand up to them or go no contact causing stress and arguments within the marriage. You need to have your husbands back on this one

Wow. I would never speak to them again in my life.
Regardless of my DH's opinion. They have treated you horribly. I would be over and done with any kind of civility or trying to fix things.

If DH wants to cut ties, support him in that.

Your in-laws may have a point... From what you've written it's you that has instigated the arguments usually. You effectively caused upset and got your husband sacked twice!

If your husband is not fussed, stop keep trying to make things right. You can't keep causing arguments and bad feeling and then want to make things right.
Either stay out of your in-laws lives or grit your teeth and keep schtum.
Your eldest loving in-laws etc is questionable, as the dynamic of the overall interaction is very hot and cold.

Your first run in with them was a bit dramatic. You were dramatic, they were too. You should have just given them a time that you would be there. Not sure why them sitting whispering to each other would make you want to leave, unless you know they were whispering about you.
In the second incident, why were you so insistent on inviting the auntie? Who was unreasonable all depends on why they don't talk to her i suppose. Did your dh expect her to be there? What didn't he think of you insisting that she be there so much that his dad dint come? They did let you know that he wouldn't but you were so determined to make them back down, you did it anyway.
They sound very rude and hurtful in the things they say, but it does sound like you are the instigator for the falling out.

I’m sorry but you sound like really hard work! I’d like to know the ILs’ side of this.
Why couldn’t you tell them what time you were going to be there on your birthday? Why was it your business whether two adults were whispering together?
Why invite the auntie when they made it clear that this would be difficult for them?
Christmas Day is a busy time - I’ve written fairly perfunctory texts to people in the last couple of days too. She said Happy Christmas - it’s not like she was actually rude.
They sound overly dramatic to sack their son repeatedly but I think you’re to blame for a lot of the bad feeling I’m afraid.

They sound batshit, sacking your dh twice!

Why did you insist on the auntie being there?

If someone did that with my dad I wouldn’t go and you could think whatever,you liked.

I'd like to hear the other side of this.

Since you're asking for perspectives, mine is that you need to calm down, in general. You're obviously very good at standing up for yourself, which is great, but in the context of PIL relations you need to learn the art of compromise, unless you enjoy regular confrontations.

They probably find you hard work.

Got 1/3 way through this and I'm with the in laws. You need to be nicer and make more effort

P.s. you can't just cut your bf away from his entire family because you're an entitled princess

I would follow your DHs lead; I’m not entirely sure why you’ve pursued things when he’s not keen and they’ve treated him so badly. Maybe for the sake of your DC but then they don’t seem to be bothering with your youngest. I dont think youve helped the situation at times and I think now you need to step back and leave it with your DH to do what he wants.

You shouldnt have invited FIL's sister if he didnt want you to!!! Period! Thats not ok.

MIL shouldnt be treating your kids differently! Or saying your attention seeking from the loss of your child!! Thats not ok.

You need to ask your Dh what he wants to do. Either draw a complete line under it all and move forward and forget the bad or cut them out completely.

@Justcallmebebes

P.s. you can't just cut your bf away from his entire family because you're an entitled princess

if you had read it all you would realise that HUSBAND has gone no contact with his family on his own and she is still trying to facilitate contact

@MandB23 both you and IL are to blame, you are all drama llamas tbh
stop flogging a dead horse. u cannot force a relationship with your DC if they arent interested.
cutting them off would be best in the long term, as even though eldest loves MIL and MIL: gets involved with her, MIL ignores youngest.how long till youngest realises this?

tell your MIL that you are done trying to facilitate, they are welcome to see DC but u are no longer gonna be chasing them up for contact. And if they do decide to keep contact they are expected to treat both DC equally or not to bother at all

I do think you were wrong to invite the aunt

@Ging7878

Louisetrees......i really hope not as she's his sister!

Oops thought it was the MILs sister. It will be something scandalous though. Bloody drama llamas!

Ok lots of questions.
The in laws haven’t ever given a reason why they don’t like her. They don’t like a lot of people. When we had the conversation they said it was because she never rings and asked how the FIL is - he has had some minor health issues in the past. But they don’t ring her either. To me, it just seems they’ve drifted apart but they’ve taken it personally. It was a surprise birthday meal so my DH wasn’t involved in the organising. But the auntie does always visit and buy gifts on birthdays and Christmas’ and it just felt wrong not to invite her when my MIL wanted to invite all her friends. I was paying for the meal and they didn’t have anything to do with organising it really but wanted to have a say in who came.

Maybe I am a bit dramatic. I definitely over react with things when I feel upset but I do always try to be respectful. I don’t think I was in the wrong for saying something last year. They should have communicated their issues with us properly and not just basically cut down on contact but pretended everything was fine. I know how they work and they hold a lot of grudges and anger and spend a lot of their time at home talking about past events and people they don’t like. So when we realised we were being pushed out and other things happened with my DH’s siblings - we realised we were the new targets of their gossiping around the kitchen. They made my husbands life hell when he worked for them and he should have left on his own terms a long time ago but didn’t want to rock the boat. I guess I could have played along with them a bit more but I don’t really think I should have to.

They are not nice people if I’m honest. I don’t particularly like them or want them in my life but I feel obliged to facilitate a relationship for my eldest.

I suppose I felt upset yesterday because I’ve really made an effort especially for my MIL as I know she cares for my eldest. I want to do what I can to let that continue but she really does make it hard sometimes by excluding my youngest and also the way she can be when we arrange anything or communicate. She’s just very cold and I suppose where I’ve gone wrong is by not accepting that and expecting her to act ‘normal’ just because I am.

What happened last year was dramatic. I suppose we all work differently but I personally don’t think a disagreement needs to be dramatic and I think it’s okay to say to somebody that you’re hurt and explain why. I don’t think that needs to be blown up and everybody needs to fall out. They see every tiny little disagreement as a huge deal and they can’t stand anybody to think differently to them.

I guess I need to just continue as I am but stop thinking everything is okay because it clearly isn’t.

@Justcallmebebes it’s actually him that doesn’t want anything at all to do with any of his family. They have been really horrible to him. There’s a lot but I don’t really want to say too much.

I honestly made a lot of effort. When things were good and even now when they’re not. If we ever made plans it would be me making them. I would arrange birthday meals or surprises. I make a lot of effort to make gifts with the children at birthdays and send video messages. For years it was fine, I was close to them. Or so I thought. We saw a lot of each other. It’s just literally this one meal that seems to have really rocked the boat. But I don’t understand how they think they have a say on who is invited to his birthday? When they’re not arranging it. And their isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t invite the auntie. As far as we know, she’s the nicest woman and we get on really well.
Yeah - the argument years ago was ridiculous. But I thought we’d moved on from that. I was only about 20 I think so yeah only a few years in actually. But I was upset that day because I hadn’t heard from my own dad and my mum passed away years ago. I obviously appreciate that they were making an effort but i don’t understand why I needed to rush round to theirs when I already had plans and I do think I’m allowed to ask someone to stop sniggering and whispering when it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why are you pushing him to be in contact with his family?

@Mdmd I’m not really. He works afternoons and that when my MIL would be here. She has recently started to collect from school one day a week and she brings her straight home and will just stay for a couple of minutes. My DH is at work at this time.
The thing is, he’s said to me that he wants nothing to do with them and he wants to actually move away so we don’t bump into them or have to really see them at all. But he hasn’t had a proper conversation with them in about a year and he hasn’t said anything like that to them.
It’s just he doesn’t like me to arrange contact or encourage the relationship. He doesn’t like me buying them gifts. But I feel obliged and also I don’t feel like I should put a stop to my MIL’s relationship with my daughter.
It just isn’t working though because it’s very awkward when nobody else in the family bothers. It’s just my MIL, but even she makes it clear that she can’t stand me and I’m just a bit fed up of making so much effort and it feels like I’m trying to make things ‘normal’ again but that will never be the case because they don’t want it to be. But the way things are now, it’s a bit draining.