I really really need some other perspectives and would appreciate anyone who could offer their’s.
It’s a long story.
I’ve been with my DH for 12 years. Early on it was quite clear the in laws didn’t like me very much as they felt like I’d ‘taken him away’ and we would spend more time with my family than his. We were 18/19 when we got together.
We had a bit of a fall out about 5 years in which started because they wanted me to go round on my birthday to get presents and me and my DH had planned to go for tea together. So we said we could come over afterwards. He didn’t live there at this point. They rang us throughout the evening to ask when we would be there which was a bit annoying when they knew our plans. We did get there at about 9 and I got annoyed because his brother and his gf were whispering whilst we all sat in the front room.
I said “if you want to whisper, why don’t you just go to another room”. They sniggered, looked very uncomfortable and then didn’t really say anything. They carried on with the whispering and I said to my MIL “I’m really sorry but it’s making me Uncomfortable and I’m going to go.” This caused a big argument where they told me I was ungrateful and rude and I’d been ‘dragged up’. I found that quote offensive. I was equally as offensive and said to my FIL that he’s a control freak and I won’t have him speak to me the way he does everybody else in the house.
This was the catalyst for a years worth of drama which led them to basically disown my DH. He worked for them at the time and they sacked him at work and told him to leave his company car. So he left work that day with nothing. They wanted him to choose and he wouldn’t choose them so that was that.
It went on a few years. They were quite unkind during this time with Facebook posts and I can honestly say I never wrote one towards them.
We made up because we had a baby and I basically turned up at their door when she was about 3 months old saying “are you really not going to sort this out?” And we did. We moved on. I thought. A few years of this and it’s been fine. Actually we were quite close at one point and they were there for me when our daughter was still born.
It started to change middle of last year and I think it was because I wanted to invite the FIL’s sister to my DH’s surprise birthday meal. They told me I shouldn’t but I said that I wanted to. There was one conversation about it but I didn’t change my mind. His dad then said well he wouldn’t come. I thought he was just saying this but he actually didn’t come and on the night my MIL made a fuss and we had to move people around so that she wasn’t sat near the auntie. I didn’t think much of this at the time but come September when my baby was born I noticed they weren’t really bothering with us and then looked back and realised that all of summer they hadn’t seen my eldest and had made excuses when usually they see her a lot and she adores them.
I then noticed FIL had deleted me and my DH off Facebook and just generally they had distanced themselves. They live a few minutes away but come December last year had only been round once to see us. Our youngest was in NICU for 3 weeks and when there they didn’t really bother either and we had to rely on friends a lot to help with our eldest.
I said something around Christmas time and it turned into an argument and then basically telling me to stop causing arguments and that I was making them upset.
They then sacked my husband again and didn’t pay him for the last week or his Christmas bonus.
It was awful. They said some awful stuff.
I said that I felt really hurt because I was so close to them after the still birth and I had his dad near me hours after giving birth and I felt comfortable around them when obviously they have never really liked me and I felt hurt by that. That it was all false.
They said that I’m always using my “dead baby” to get sympathy and lots of other horrible things.
Anyway I’ve continued to try and facilitate W relationship between them and the kids. My DH doesn’t want to know and won’t get involved. He’s obviously hurt by their actions and can’t manage that but it then puts pressure on me.
I have put effort into gifts for them this Christmas and they bought for the kids. The MIL has started to come and visit for a few minutes, just dropping stuff at the door. Since about Easter. I try to make her feel welcome and I want my kids to remain unaware of the situation. Covid has helped with that as that’s an excuse.
But, I’m feeling upset. Probably more than necessary. They bought my youngest a soft doll and she was really excited by it. I did a video of her kissing it and laughing and jumping around with it. She’s only 1 and I’ve never seen her his excited so I sent a message to say look how much she loves this - thank you so much, hope you’re all having a lovely day. Merry Christmas. She replied with Merry Christmas, thanks for the presents.
It just felt really cold. I was upset that she didn’t acknowledge the video and I realised it’s my own fault for giving too much and I need to take a step back and stop trying yo make it all ‘normal’ again.
But I’m really uncomfortable with her coming to my house and being normal to my face when she makes it clear in her messages that she still holds bad feelings.
Am I right to consider no contact?
My eldest loves her. But the rest of the family don’t bother and it makes things really awkward. They don’t come round or even ring on birthdays. And they also don’t really bother at all with my youngest. MIL brings things round for my eldest and just doesn’t really even speak to my youngest. It’s just really awkward and I hate the situation.
I think I’m feeling hurt that I’ve made the effort again and I realise I need to accept that it won’t ever be ‘normal’ between us.
But should I continue to facilitate contact which at the minute can only really be the MIL coming here and standing in the doorway for a few minutes. She has started to come in and sit
Down for 5 minutes.