DH can deal with my DM

[Assamteaformeplease]

Not posted on here before but be interested to get feedback. DM staying with us last few months and needs quite a lot of care and can be quite demanding ( staying with us is temporary not for ever). Initially DH couldn't do enough to help but recently he has decided that she's not doing enough to help herself and has basically stopped helping her and therefore most of the work falls to me. He won't even interact with her now and just makes nasty comments ( luckily she's pretty deaf so can’t hear).
He was meant to help cook Xmas dinner yesterday but said he couldn't cope with being near her so took himself back to bed leaving me to do most of the cooking ( he did help with washing up afterwards to be fair). He wouldn't eat dinner either us .. sat in another room ..
She can't do much for herself so relies on others to help and she does drink a fair bit of alcohol .. always has.. and does like to talk about herself a lot . He says he's annoyed with how she treats me and my sister and that's why he is like this . But on other hand when I try and say .. "you know what she's like .. she's not going to change .. can't you just keep the peace and not ruin it for everyone else " he will then turn it around and say I treat her better than him and why can she she get away with bad behaviour when he can’t ?
Is he being an Arse or does he have a point?

I think he has a point tbh.

Sounds like he has a point.

Why can she get away with bad behaviour and he cant? Because he is better than that?

When is she going back she needs to leave

He's angry she tears you badly and to express that anger he also treats you badly? So who is nice to you? Yanbu. Your mum may well be a cow, but she's infirm and vulnerable. What's your "d" h excuse?

Hmmm he doesn't like your mum treating you badly but he can (leaves you to pick up the pieces while he sulks in the bedroom). Also Christmas Day is the worst time for him to throw his toys out of the pram, why not any other day?

He has a point. Your writing style seems very passive and accepting of her flaws but not his.
You say she is staying temporarily but it's as already been months.... When is she planning on moving out?
I think he feels your mum is taking the p#ss. Is she?
Why can't she does things for herself? How is she demanding?
How is she drinking lots? ..are you enabling that or is she fit enough to get her supplies ?

Is there an end in sight? What are you doing as a couple?

You all generally sound as bad as each other...

This is a difficult situation. You obviously feel a duty to take care of your mum but your dh doesn't get on with her. You say she is staying for a few months, what is the plan for her long term?

He has a point. Are there children in the house while all this drinking and horribleness is going on?

When’s she leaving?

You say he made an effort at first but you’re asking too much.

@Assamteaformeplease is your husband angry at you for not standing up for yourself?

He has a point - it must be horrible to see your spouse be treated badly. He should have eaten Christmas lunch with you to keep you happy and then retreated and avoided your DM as much as possible.

I think you need to make other arrangements for your mum, it's not fair that he has to feel like that in how own home! How long has she been there? (Sorry if you already included)

He's not dealing with it in a very mature way, but it sounds like your mum has outstayed her welcome in your home and in your marriage, and this is his way of making you see that. It is a bit ridiculous if you are running around after her all the time, enabling her and she's also drinking (where's she getting the drink from, if she's able to get drink, she's able to care for herself). I think the transition to her going back to her own home needs to begin asap.

He has a point. It sounds like you need to make alternative plans for her to have care in her own home.

She will be leaving soon . She's not being nasty more self centred.. . She has heart problems and mobility issues snd can’t walk more than a few steps . She's drinking a lot less than she used to as I am controlling it but she's probably an alcoholic. It would be great if she could stop but I can't see that happening tbh.
Tried to support DH .. we go out for walks, sit in another room together and I do get that's it's hard ., just not really any alternative at moment .. I've been on to social care but not much they can do as she's out of their area ( gp in another part of Uk) .
Older teens in house and don't generally see much of them anyway.

God this could have been written about me and my MIL.

If she is as all all consuming as mine (demanding/ relentless/ self obsessed and generally very unpleasant), he may be at breaking point and cannot cope.

I started off similarly couldn't do enough, put my all into caring for her. She slowly ground me down to the point I do it for my husband only.

Having reached my own breaking point I hate being near her now. I feel bad but I've been through too much, so I take on the mental load and try to interact with her as little as possible.

The difficulty you have is that at the end of the day he is your Mum so you probably have nice memories growing up etc. Whilst he loves you he doesn't have that connection with her or have those lifelong memories meaning his tolerance threshold is likely lower than yours.

Caring for my MIL and dealing with her ridiculous behaviour nearly destroyed my relationship at one point. Much of my own frustration was centred on how she treats my husband which ironically manifested in me having awful arguments with him which sprang from sheer frustration and then made me feel even worse.

In the end I had to step back for my own sanity whilst supporting my husband in my own way.

All I can say is you need to talk to each other if you can. Have a really frank conversation whilst being prepared to hear things you don't like - I've had to be very diplomatic whilst setting boundaries for myself. It hasn't been easy and we have had awful arguments (prior to we barely argued in 13 years) but touch wood, we're in a much better place now.

Good luck

Was her moving in agreed by all in the house? Did your DC have an opinion on there alcoholic nan moving in who required care? You seem very passive and not accepting by bringing your mother into your home would change the dynamics. Do your DC avoid being around her too?

Sounds like your mum isnt very nice and has always been difficult, add to the mix she is living in your home and your DH has had enough. She needs to move back out....heart problem and mobility issues arent going to be helped by her drinking alcohol, seeing how she cant mobilise your clearly giving her that too.

Thanks all for perspectives snd okok interesting to hear how it feels from the other side. It was actually DH idea that she stay with us for a bit .. it's just gone on longer than we thought..
I think he does have a point and I can see why he feels like this, it just doesn't help me much.

I'm on your hubby side, it's your incapacitated, alcohol dependant mother, not his who has moved into his home. How accommodating would you be if it was your MIL. I'd bet not very.

I do actually understand, my DP struggles with my family because he is right they were really hard work and not pleasant to me. Not to mention he lives with the product of their crap parenting so he sees how it impacts me even now

In terms of the comment of him not getting away with behaviour , I had this from DP once and was really shocked. When we calmed down he explained it was just frustrating that I would be absolutely on him for anything and he wanted me to apply that to my parents and stop letting them be rude or unpleasant and just letting it go. He knew I was capable of it as he pointed out rightly I was direct with him.

The reality is that the situation will wear on him. However I had to be clear with DP that as much as his frustration was fair and he hated seeing me being treated badly his reaction made things even harder for me. He realised this that actually although he wanted to protect me he was , for good reasons or bad , becoming a problem

We both compromised, he reeled it back in and I reinforced boundaries (ill or not there are boundaries you can set.)

He has a point ,but the way he is making that point makes it harder for you.

How old is your mother?

Is the fact that she is a heavy drinker/alcoholic contributed to her ill health

I think your mother does need to leave

Not understanding that you say she is leaving soon but then say you have been trying to find an alternative place to go but there isn’t one.

I think a date needs to be set and stuck to for when she is moving on. Could other family take her? Or could she move back to her home.

It sounds like she has a couple of physical conditions but nothing that would make her incapacitated.

If I allowed my Mother to stay with us for any longer than I few hours, my dh would leave me and rightly so, she is a right bitch.

Your DM is an alcoholic who will have brought on her heart problems and mobility problems bully ruining her health with drink. Limited sympathy from me. My father was an alcoholic who did similar but at leave he eventually stopped drinking, albeit to late to save his own life.

I can't imagine what like is like for your dh have someone who wants everything done for her, witters on about herself and treats her adult children badly.

She's never been much of a mum in the traditional sense.. I think that's a lot of the problem as his mum ( sadly no longer with us) was ( almost) perfect and he compares them in his mind. He thinks I've always been the parent to my siblings as she wasn't really there for them and now I'm having to be a parent to her too .. or so it seems .
She will be going to stay with one of my siblings ( where she normally lives) in a few weeks once they are able to look after her again ( have been unwell) so hopefully all will be ok if can get though the next few weeks .

If I were your husband I would have moved out, sorry.

In answer to questions she is 80 and yes I think the drinking hasn't helped her