DH can deal with my DM

[Assamteaformeplease]

Not posted on here before but be interested to get feedback. DM staying with us last few months and needs quite a lot of care and can be quite demanding ( staying with us is temporary not for ever). Initially DH couldn't do enough to help but recently he has decided that she's not doing enough to help herself and has basically stopped helping her and therefore most of the work falls to me. He won't even interact with her now and just makes nasty comments ( luckily she's pretty deaf so can’t hear).
He was meant to help cook Xmas dinner yesterday but said he couldn't cope with being near her so took himself back to bed leaving me to do most of the cooking ( he did help with washing up afterwards to be fair). He wouldn't eat dinner either us .. sat in another room ..
She can't do much for herself so relies on others to help and she does drink a fair bit of alcohol .. always has.. and does like to talk about herself a lot . He says he's annoyed with how she treats me and my sister and that's why he is like this . But on other hand when I try and say .. "you know what she's like .. she's not going to change .. can't you just keep the peace and not ruin it for everyone else " he will then turn it around and say I treat her better than him and why can she she get away with bad behaviour when he can’t ?
Is he being an Arse or does he have a point?

I understand that your husband may be finding it hard to have your mother there 24/7, but his complete lack of respect and compassion is quite alarming. I don't think it should be excused, how dare he make such horrible comments about a family member! To say he can't bear to hear her speak, etc, is vile. Yes he may be finding it hard, but where the fuck is his compassion?

@tofuschnitzel

I understand that your husband may be finding it hard to have your mother there 24/7, but his complete lack of respect and compassion is quite alarming. I don't think it should be excused, how dare he make such horrible comments about a family member! To say he can't bear to hear her speak, etc, is vile. Yes he may be finding it hard, but where the fuck is his compassion?

Unfortunately this is what he is like once he turns against someone. Yeah she can be hard work but she does have some good qualities too. He really struggles to see any point of view other than his.

You paint your DH as someone who can be quite difficult, but I don't usually see people who are difficult suggesting your DM came over, was thinking about her staying permanently and even helping so much in the beginning.

I don't think the unpleasant comments about her are necessary...but sticking to facts...is fine....if he could do it in a respectful manner.

That is so difficult for you, OP. I really am baffled by the support your husband has got in this thread. If you posted this exact thread next week you would probably get completely different answers.

I really feel that though he may think those nasty comments towards your mother, for most people those thoughts would stay firmly in their head and they would carry on caring for the family member regardless. Most people wouldn't dream of vocalising such horrible comments. It makes your task of caring for your mother even more difficult than it already is, as you won't want to set him off. He is behaving appallingly here, OP. You haven't done anything wrong, he sounds like a self-centered, selfish arsehole.

Hi Op, I'm back again. With the more you've said about your husband the more I think he is being unfair on you.

For context, re my situation, in addition to being dependent, she is downright nasty (she is shockingly good at getting to the crux of people's weaknesses and twisting them - mine are previous miscarriages and the fact we haven't been able to have any kids) and physically aggressive (she has attacked and harassed multiple carers purely for a reaction / distress because she can - she freely admits to this).

From what you've said you're mum isn't anything like this and he should be supporting you more rather than switching off entirely and sulking.

Despite all that has happened I now deal with the "mental load" for my Mil co-ordinating things (there is a lot to do and various agencies involved) whilst limiting direct contact as much as I can although I do still see her. I do this for my husband as by his own admission he wouldn't be able to cope otherwise and ultimately it frees up time for us together.

If he wont physically help with your mum, then he should be stepping up around the house etc and reducing your other responsibilities in order to even the load on you. It has taken a while for us to reach a balance but can't emphasise enough how important it is to have a frank conversation.

Seems like neither of them is covering themselves in glory, and you hardly mention your teens at all in all this. Yes, teens have a tendency of hibernating in their rooms, but they do very much need to feel that beyond that they have a home which is a warm and comfortable place. How much have you taken them into consideration in all this?

Your husband should have the right to put his foot down and say, yes if you want me to stay she has to go even if this means a residential home. "She's not going to change" is hardly a recommendation here.

However, what he does not have the right to do is this incredibly immature and rude behaviour he is indulging in.

You have the right not to be treated badly by him out of frustration that somebody else is treating you badly.

Your teens have the right to have a father who behaves like a civilised adult human being.

They also have the right not to have an alcoholic grandparent in their safe space.

What you need is a family council where you agree on a plan.

I think most people would hugely struggle with this.

My MIL is lovely but after 2 days I've desperately had enough. It's very very difficult for some people having other people in their home.

We wouldn't cope very well in this situation. I think all you can ask of him now is to continue to tolerate it.

Well the easiest thing you can do to make things better is make your house an alcohol free house, so then she won’t have access to or the right to drink (your house, your rules). We had to do this when my alcoholic mum lived with us for a while, very similar situation.

@Mydogissnooring

If I were your husband I would have moved out, sorry.

I agree with this - nobody could persuade me to stay in a house with a largely helpless, demanding and self centred alcoholic. Especially when the kids are also avoiding her and somebody was running themselves ragged appeasing them.

She needs to go and she needs to go in far less than 'a few weeks', particularly as there's a chance she might be so comfortable, she won't want to leave (and the other daughter/husband might say 'We changed our minds/aren't up to it'), so this could end up being permanent by 'accident' (assuming that there isn't any element of being deliberately more helpless). Has she also got you going and buying her alcohol for her? Bet if you stopped, she'd suddenly become more capable.

You've done more than enough for her. It's time to stop because it won't improve things and, as alcoholics tend to do, it won't make the slightest bit of difference to her if he leaves permanently with the children, as she'll be warm, fed, cleaned up after and able to continue drinking in your house.

Thanks all . With regards to the teens they tend to keep themselves to themselves anyway so it's not much different to usual. I asked the older one today what he thought of grandma being here and what he thought of his Dad having an issue with it .. he said he couldn't really understand what the problem was as DH didn't need to interact with her much and in his eyes she's not much of a problem. The younger one said he didn't like it when she mAkes noise ( when she's in pain from her arthritis) and that he wouldn't want to bring friends home .. but he can't do that anyway right now. Whilst she does drink she doesn't really get drunk as such usually . The hypocritical thing is that DH sometimes has issues With alcohol .. has been known to drink 2 bottles wine in a go on his own and get quite drunk. I think in new year we will do dry January so she won't be able to drink .. with it being Xmas a lot of people have gifted her alcohol.
DH has spent all day in bed as he can't interact with her. He's been crying and refusing to eat or drink . I offered to try and take her away for a few days to give him some space but he said there was no point as he'd know she was coming back. He basically wants her gone now and thinks I'm not supporting him by not agreeing to this as it's not practical.
She's not nasty just thoughtless and self Centered and wasn't a great mum growing up ( although she would dispute this). Clearly DH is affected by this but I do wonder if some of this is about control as he has behaved in similar ways previously over other issues .

He clearly resents her presence so much that the situation is beyond repair. Obviously this is horrible for you OP, but it must be horrible for him too - he is annoyed beyond belief in his own home. Get a date set for her to leave, that will help him a lot, and tell him that he needs to be nice until then.

So it's somehow gone from DM being a demanding, immobile alcoholic to your DH being the unreasonable one for turning away from her and being sulky and nasty, and now he's in bed crying and refusing to eat and the teen DCs are being expected to take sides

This chaos really isn't working for anyone, is it - with the possible exception of your mother, who seems to be able to do exactly as she pleases
Time to get this sorted out once and for all ...

I think your dh is acting like a child.
He’ll be old one day and have drinking issues by the sound of it.
I suggest he chooses his own care home early.
My dm often stays with us, she is a nightmare and my dh doesn’t like the way she treats me But dh treats my dm with the care any elderly person should get. He may give me a look sometimes when dm talks about my golden db.
He would never shirk helping me with her.