DH can deal with my DM

[Assamteaformeplease]

Not posted on here before but be interested to get feedback. DM staying with us last few months and needs quite a lot of care and can be quite demanding ( staying with us is temporary not for ever). Initially DH couldn't do enough to help but recently he has decided that she's not doing enough to help herself and has basically stopped helping her and therefore most of the work falls to me. He won't even interact with her now and just makes nasty comments ( luckily she's pretty deaf so can’t hear).
He was meant to help cook Xmas dinner yesterday but said he couldn't cope with being near her so took himself back to bed leaving me to do most of the cooking ( he did help with washing up afterwards to be fair). He wouldn't eat dinner either us .. sat in another room ..
She can't do much for herself so relies on others to help and she does drink a fair bit of alcohol .. always has.. and does like to talk about herself a lot . He says he's annoyed with how she treats me and my sister and that's why he is like this . But on other hand when I try and say .. "you know what she's like .. she's not going to change .. can't you just keep the peace and not ruin it for everyone else " he will then turn it around and say I treat her better than him and why can she she get away with bad behaviour when he can’t ?
Is he being an Arse or does he have a point?

I just hope that the sibling she normally lives with actually wants her back.

Not sure what exactly social care will do.
She is not someone without mental capacity and her physical needs have been self inflicted.

Yes I have suggested she might want to look at residential care but she point blank refuses

This is your husband's home too. Time for other arrangements to be made.

@Assamteaformeplease

Thanks all for perspectives snd okok interesting to hear how it feels from the other side. It was actually DH idea that she stay with us for a bit .. it's just gone on longer than we thought.. I think he does have a point and I can see why he feels like this, it just doesn't help me much.

You've reneged on the agreement . It is his home as well . It's interesting that your teenagers are no where to be seen either.

Appears that you are facilitating a fractured household and wanting your H to take the blame for this .

She can't do much for herself so relies on others to help and she does drink a fair bit of alcohol

How does she access this alcohol? Are you getting it for her?

There's something very frustrating about watching someone you love being taken for a mug. He sees it, your kids probably see it, but you don't. You had the responsibility of your siblings back in the day, now you have the responsibility of your DM in her poor health, old age. She seems quite happy to hand over responsibility to you. You see her behaviour as "just what she's like." But that doesn't give her the right to upset your family and your DH is simply pointing that out.

I think you can see from people's comments that your husband is worn down and frustrated. You need to ensure that this ends soon. And you have commented that she refuse to go to residential care. I am sorry but she is being selfish. She can not refuse to have proper care and therefore burden family because its what she wants. I hate when older people demand family to look after them to the detriment of the people/relationships in that household. She is like a toddler having a tantrum and someone needs to be in charge

I feel for your DH.

Need to find alternatives pronto and put some distance between you all. Caring for someone you don't like and has shitty behaviour is tough. He doesn't have the shared history you have with her.

I think he has a point the size of a bloody javelin!
Are her mobility issues and care needs because she is pissed?
She needs to move out, unless you want your DH to move out instead? It sounds like he's rapidly reaching that point. A temporary move that's been months and your DM not trying to get more independent because she's got you/him doing everything so she doesn't need to would push anyone over the edge, I expect he can see she has no intention of leaving.

Yeah he's at end of his tether . I just asked her if she wanted a cup of tea and he put his fingers in his ears and said he can’t listen to her answer as she makes him want to vomit .
The disabilities are not caused by alcohol but clearly it doesn't help . She problems drinks about a bottle of wine a day or equivalent .

DM staying with us last few months and needs quite a lot of care and can be quite demanding ( staying with us is temporary not for ever)

So she's a self centred alcoholic who's never been much of a parent to you and now has health and mobility issues
You may think this is temporary but somehow I doubt she does, and you'll probably find the siblings (if they've got any sense) will continue to find reasons she can't stay

Without doubt your DH has a point, and in your position I'd start looking for other solutions before she gets too comfortable and starts finding reasons she can't possibly move

I have suggested she might want to look at residential care but she point blank refuses

Apologies for bold fail in my previous post ... I missed the bit above, but suspected as much

As said it's high time you started making some arrangements, because otherwise this could go on and on. Having seen all this happening do you really think the siblings will willingly take her on?

Yeah I've realised she can’t stay .. my other sibling will take her back as she's been living there a few years and she's well aware of all the issues ..they've just not been well and not able to look after her for a couple of months but are on the mend now.
I get that DH really pissed off and why but it just makes it harder for me when he makes snide comments snd sulks rather than looking at how he can support me and help the situation . But then he's been like that about other things before so I'm used to it .. I just wanted some perspective as to wether he was justified in his behaviour and it sounds as though most think he is ..

I get that DH really pissed off and why but it just makes it harder for me when he makes snide comments snd sulks rather than looking at how he can support me and help the situation

Be honest with yourself, Assamtea; did he used to be supportive over her, and if not was that because he was being selfish or is she simply not the sort of woman he could reasonably be expected to care about?

Either way this is yours and his home, and as said it sounds as if some adjustment of priorities is needed - especially as she's starting to dig her heels in

@Assamteaformeplease

Yes I have suggested she might want to look at residential care but she point blank refuses

tell her she doesn't have a choice anymore 🌺

@ByersRd

This is your husband's home too. Time for other arrangements to be made.

That in spades. And no wonder your teenagers are keeping out of the way.

I have a mother like this. Thank goodness there was no other option but social care for her, as she's paralysed down one side. Doesn't stop her drinking though. If she was living in my house I'd be reacting like your DH and she's MY mother, not an inlaw.

Prioritise your marriage and your own kids. Be a better mother than yours was.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I get that DH really pissed off and why but it just makes it harder for me when he makes snide comments snd sulks rather than looking at how he can support me and help the situation

Be honest with yourself, Assamtea; did he used to be supportive over her, and if not was that because he was being selfish or is she simply not the sort of woman he could reasonably be expected to care about?

Either way this is yours and his home, and as said it sounds as if some adjustment of priorities is needed - especially as she's starting to dig her heels in

Yeah when she first came he couldn't do enough to help and like I said it was his idea she came, at one point he was even talking about her staying long term and making adaptations to the house. Unfortunately, as often happens with him, she said something that particularly annoyed him and now he can't get past that and has completely shut down all communication. He won't interact at all now and just stays in his room .. he just tells me how awful she is, makes nasty comments, and barely interacts with me or the kids. This is not the first time he's behaved in this way... but it seems that his behaviour is justified by the situation if I'm reading this right?

@Assamteaformeplease

Yes I have suggested she might want to look at residential care but she point blank refuses

Well, everyone does. But caring for ask older person inevitably comes to a point where it's necessary.

You seem to automatically expect your husband to care for her the way you do. He's probably extremely frustrated at the reality of looking after an older person with ever increasing needs.

It's not fair.

"Unfortunately, as often happens with him, she said something that particularly annoyed him and now he can't get past that"

So what did she say? Can you see why it upset him?

Dons flak jacket🥴......I’m going to go against the flow a bit here, can’t your husband bite down on it and do what’s needed, if not for his MIL then for you? I get that she’s not easy, but he suggested she come and stay, then things didn’t go to plan, (his plan, maybe) and he’s gone sulky.
Yep, I absolutely get it’s his house, but it doesn’t sound as if she’s there for the long haul, the ends in sight by what you say, so if this was me I’d be saying can you not be the bigger person, get stuck in, help and support and we’ll get through this together. Together being the operative word, as when yr Mother’s returns to yr siblings care, how are you going to feel seeing him being nicey nice again remembering his lack of support for you when you really needed it? Good luck, it’s not at all an easy road dealing/caring for aged parents.

@Onthemaintrunkline

Dons flak jacket🥴......I’m going to go against the flow a bit here, can’t your husband bite down on it and do what’s needed, if not for his MIL then for you? I get that she’s not easy, but he suggested she come and stay, then things didn’t go to plan, (his plan, maybe) and he’s gone sulky. Yep, I absolutely get it’s his house, but it doesn’t sound as if she’s there for the long haul, the ends in sight by what you say, so if this was me I’d be saying can you not be the bigger person, get stuck in, help and support and we’ll get through this together. Together being the operative word, as when yr Mother’s returns to yr siblings care, how are you going to feel seeing him being nicey nice again remembering his lack of support for you when you really needed it? Good luck, it’s not at all an easy road dealing/caring for aged parents.

Thanks .. that's kind of how I feel but doesn't seem to be the general opinion on here . He is fine , great , lovely when things are going his way but when they are not he's really sulky and can actually be quite nasty . Yes it's hard but she's old, probably won't be around much longer and this is the first time I've really spent much time with her for years. She not a great mother but she's not going to change this long in the tooth and I dont want to look back on this time and regret it because I started to resent her because of his constant bitching .

@TootDeLaFroot

"Unfortunately, as often happens with him, she said something that particularly annoyed him and now he can't get past that"

So what did she say? Can you see why it upset him?

It was a comment about someone else that he felt wasn't true

I feel sorry for both you and your husband.

But a few(how many?) months of his MIL living with you treating you all badly I’m not surprised he’s struggling.

I struggled after 3 weeks of my FIL with us. I thought I was going to have a breakdown.

Hi, hey you’re welcome, I feel for you, I see you’re the meat in the sandwich trying to keep everything on track, keep yr Mum happy, in doing so you’re in an almost impossible situation. And you’ve got a husband making things twice as difficult by his behaviour. I only wish there was a solution here, fingers crossed someone else will come on with things that maybe have worked/helped for them whilst in a similar position. You sound a lovely person, doing your best despite your Mum perhaps not doing hers in days past. All the very best x

@Onthemaintrunkline

Hi, hey you’re welcome, I feel for you, I see you’re the meat in the sandwich trying to keep everything on track, keep yr Mum happy, in doing so you’re in an almost impossible situation. And you’ve got a husband making things twice as difficult by his behaviour. I only wish there was a solution here, fingers crossed someone else will come on with things that maybe have worked/helped for them whilst in a similar position. You sound a lovely person, doing your best despite your Mum perhaps not doing hers in days past. All the very best x

Thank you .. that really helps xx