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Original poster

How long to give this relationship?

78 replies

Socialbutterfly198 · 23/12/2020 19:04

I’ve turned 36 and I am thinking seriously about settling down with a partner and starting a family. I’ve been seeing a man for just over a year who I can see myself settling down with. He started off extremely keen but things have calmed down now. I told him very early on I was looking for a husband to start a family with and he said he was on the same page. Now he seems a little unsure, and as a result, I’m unsure now as well.

I don’t want kids now, but I know I can’t leave it too much longer.

I was thinking of giving it until next summer to bring it up seriously as to next steps - as we’ll have been seeing each other for approaching two years.

Does this seem reasonable?

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 23/12/2020 19:08

Unless you're crazy about him and he is about you, don't even consider getting married

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/12/2020 19:09

In my personal experience, if he's not sure now, he never will be. He may go ahead and marry you, but for a marriage to survive having a child, you both need to be all in.

That said - both my husband and I were 100% sure when we married, but split after 5yrs...

category12 · 23/12/2020 19:12

You haven't got time to faff about if you want dc. I'd have a talk with him at New Year and potentially start 2021 single.

JurassicParkAha · 23/12/2020 19:13

Hmmm, I think for people in their 30s (Assuming he's similar age?), they know within a year whether they see a future, marriage, kids with you or not.

The fact that he started off keen, and has now changed his mind, wouldn't bode well for me. Has he said what it is that it giving him doubts? At 36, you don't have years to waste on men who aren't keen and excited to have that future with you. Unless he has some actual reasons for what is bothering him - nothing is likely to change between now and the Summer. He knows who you are, what life with you is like - what new information will he be getting?

You're better off having the conversation now - and if it goes badly, breaking up, then taking some months to heal from the break up and being ready to date again in the Summer. Every month matters if you want kids and you're already mid-late 30s - don't let his wishy washiness ruin your dreams for the future.

Aubergina · 23/12/2020 19:16

@JurassicParkAha

Hmmm, I think for people in their 30s (Assuming he's similar age?), they know within a year whether they see a future, marriage, kids with you or not.

The fact that he started off keen, and has now changed his mind, wouldn't bode well for me. Has he said what it is that it giving him doubts? At 36, you don't have years to waste on men who aren't keen and excited to have that future with you. Unless he has some actual reasons for what is bothering him - nothing is likely to change between now and the Summer. He knows who you are, what life with you is like - what new information will he be getting?

You're better off having the conversation now - and if it goes badly, breaking up, then taking some months to heal from the break up and being ready to date again in the Summer. Every month matters if you want kids and you're already mid-late 30s - don't let his wishy washiness ruin your dreams for the future.

This is excellent advice
Suzi888 · 23/12/2020 19:28

It would be way too soon for me to consider having children with someone. Have you even lived together yet.

Treacletoots · 23/12/2020 19:37

This isn't something that time is going to improve OP, he's not a fancy cheese or wine. People don't go off people and then suddenly change their feelings back to hot again if it's fizzled out within a year.

I met DH when I was 36, and we knew right away we were a perfect match. We talked about marriage and kids within 2 months, as in, this is what I want, in the future, and we were on the same page.

8 years on we're still blissfully happy with one DC and we got married 4 years ago.

What I'm saying is, stop flogging the horse and find one that's really into you and the same things you want. Let this one go back into the sea.

Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 23/12/2020 19:43

Thanks all

He’s early 40s.

He says he’s not ready now for kids and marriage, and definitely sees potential.

He said he loves everything about me, just he wants me to get fit and tone up - I’m a size 10-12. He’s very fit and he wants a partner who takes it very seriously as well.

This is the only thing bothering him. I said I’d get a personal trainer as I’m keen to get back into shape as I haven’t been going to the gym lately due to covid19, home working etc. It’s something I want to do for myself.

We spend a lot of time together, and when we aren’t together, he calls me multiple times a day. He’s really been there for me during a redundancy I went through.

I can see myself with him, I guess I also need more time to be sure as well? It’s only been just over a year? Are people ever really that sure so early on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 23/12/2020 19:44

And, no, we don’t live together. We both own our own places and have bubbled up.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/12/2020 20:20

What the actual fuck???

No. Just no, OP.
You would be INSANE to put your chance of having children away forever and put yourself through the torture of trying to live up to an unhealthy physical ideal because this cock is so shallow that he's only attracted to one very narrow physical "type".

Just oh fuck no. Can you imagine his look of revulsion if you get pregnant and fail to magically snap back to a size 8 two hours after pushing a human being out?

Plus if he's not had kids by the age of 40, he's very unlikely to be prepared to do so now.

You will ruin your self esteem if you stay with this loser.

nancybotwinbloom · 23/12/2020 20:22

No.

Your husband is someone you see yourself with for life.

If you have children you are tied to that person forever in some way.

He's not for you

category12 · 23/12/2020 20:25

He said he loves everything about me, just he wants me to get fit and tone up - I’m a size 10-12. He’s very fit and he wants a partner who takes it very seriously as well.

Fuck that, OP. Are you insane? If he's that shallow and holding out commitment as a carrot for you getting to some sort of ideal figure, how exactly do you think it would go having kids? And getting older?

Swaning · 23/12/2020 20:30

OP that comment, about your figure, right there, is a HUGE red flag.

No man who loves you ever adds a ..."but" and then a condition after it.

This will never ever go anywhere happy for you. Ditch and run. Fast. The hills are that way >>>>>>

TripleSeptic · 23/12/2020 20:38

No no no. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a trophy.

End it now and get back to the drawing board.

He's had time.

I was a 12 when I met my husband, 14 after a year, 10 when we married, 18 after the child was born, a good solid 14-16 for 5 years, and now a 12.

I'm intermittent fasting after watching Dr Fung on YouTube. 6 months in, 2.5 stone off.

My husband says I look HOT again, but in 10 years I've been his pretty, his beautiful, he would ravage me in an instant regardless of my size.

If you need to lose weight/tone up for you, do it. You will lose the weight.

I fear he'll always be an arsehole, and if you put on 5 stone when you're pregnant like me (I grew a child out of Cadburys mini eggs and Walker's cheese and onion), he'll be off up the road because you've "let yourself go".

Don't put yourself through that.

Haffiana · 23/12/2020 21:00

Oh OP. You know full well that what you are imagining to yourself is that he will love you more and he will want a baby etc etc with you when you are thinner and fitter. You have made this OK to yourself, haven't you?

You already are reinforcing HIS boundaries at the expense of your own by agreeing that you also want to be the way he wants you. That you agree you should be his 'better' version of yourself, and lose weight or whatever.

It will never end. There will always be something else that you need to change. You are already losing who you are in order to be who he wants. This is not how a healthy relationship should be.

Indiethecat · 23/12/2020 22:06

No way would I waste my time.
A relationship works if you're on the same page and can communicate openly.
That is essential.
Find a man who is on the same page.

Neverbeme · 23/12/2020 22:09

Have you posted about him before? He wants you fit and toned up and not how you are. That says it all!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/12/2020 22:12

Ugh he sounds vile

corlan · 23/12/2020 22:14

Run. Run like the wind.
If your size 10 body bothers him now, what's he going to feel about your post baby body?

Sundance2741 · 23/12/2020 22:17

Agree with everyone. Ditch him. How dare he say he needs you to be more toned. Be yourself!!!!

DfEisashambles · 23/12/2020 22:17

Having a convo with him will seem like pressure to him even if it isn’t.

I’d end it unless you feel there’s a good reason. That in itself may make him come to his senses but with men when they wait to commit they mostly do so readily.

Cheesypea · 23/12/2020 22:18

You want kids with this creep?

waitinggame108 · 23/12/2020 22:21

A woman being a size 10-12 "bothers him".

What a waste of space.

Get rid and have kids with someone who loves you for you and actually WANTS to.

NataliaOsipova · 23/12/2020 22:25

Run for the hills, OP. He sounds awful....

LividLover · 23/12/2020 22:29

You shitting me?

I met DH at 38. I was a size 16. He looked at me naked like I was an unwrapped Christmas present.

I told him what was important to me and we were married within six months and had our miracle baby within a year of meeting.

He still looks at me like that while I’ve got one saggy boob flopped out, my greasy hair in a bobble and mum-leggings on.

You’re better off single than someone’s “maybe”.