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Original poster

How long to give this relationship?

78 replies

Socialbutterfly198 · 23/12/2020 19:04

I’ve turned 36 and I am thinking seriously about settling down with a partner and starting a family. I’ve been seeing a man for just over a year who I can see myself settling down with. He started off extremely keen but things have calmed down now. I told him very early on I was looking for a husband to start a family with and he said he was on the same page. Now he seems a little unsure, and as a result, I’m unsure now as well.

I don’t want kids now, but I know I can’t leave it too much longer.

I was thinking of giving it until next summer to bring it up seriously as to next steps - as we’ll have been seeing each other for approaching two years.

Does this seem reasonable?

OP posts:
TinaTurnoff · 23/12/2020 22:31

No. Billy Joel’s ‘don’t go changing to try and please me’ springs to mind. Sorry that is trite but seriously don’t.

RosesandPumpkins · 23/12/2020 22:37

Nah mate bin him. If he’s weird about your weight and shape now then he’ll be even worse after you’ve popped out a couple of kids.
Honestly, don’t have kids with a dick. Find a better man.

teaandtoast49 · 23/12/2020 22:39

His comment about your figure seems very rude, and I urge you to contemplate whether a relationship in which you feel under pressure to achieve a certain size is one that you deserve and will be truly happy in. Don't subject yourself to years of slaving away to 'get fit' to conform to a standard imposed upon you by anyone else as you are absolutely perfect as you are, at any weight. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 22:43

Oh, op. What on earth are you thinking? His attitude towards your body is appalling. I'm stunned you don't see this.

He’s early 40s.

He says he’s not ready now for kids and marriage, and definitely sees potential.

Translation, he will most likely never want kids or marriage, and if he ever does it's not with you.

Please stop wasting your time.

JurassicParkAha · 23/12/2020 22:53

*He’s early 40s.

He says he’s not ready now for kids and marriage, and definitely sees potential.

He said he loves everything about me, just he wants me to get fit and tone up - I’m a size 10-12. He’s very fit and he wants a partner who takes it very seriously as well.*

Read that to yourself again! Dear god OP, do you really think a man in his 40s who isn't sure about you because you're the wrong size is ever going to marry you? So many red flags, but mostly your own lack of self esteem that you think a 40 year old man who tells you he isn't yet ready for marriage and kids, will magically change his mind in a few months if you drop a dress size.

Also, a man encouraging you to be healthy can happen alongside commiting and wanting to marry you. Withholding a future because of it is not the sign of a man who values you as a more than just a body.

He knows everything he needs to about you, and has made a decision that you're not the one. Please don't waste your best, most fertile years on someone who is as old as he is, and still making relationship decisions based on superficial things like size. And still not sure what he wants a whole year in.

Just because a man is kind, decent, talks to you a lot, and helps you during tough times does not mean he sees a future with you. He can spend years doing this because it's comfortable, it's companionship and he doesn't have the biological pressure. What happens if tomorrow he meets a women who's the right size already? Are you so sure he won't leave you and marry her immediately?

The only way you can know if someone wants a future with you is by what they tell you, and this man has told you he does not see a future with you. You deserve someone who absolutely cannot wait to marry you and have a family with you!

SimplyRadishing · 23/12/2020 23:10

He’s early 40s.
He says he’s not ready now

😂😂😂

You are barking up the wrong tree. This guy is a waste of time.

Dispassionately reread your posts. What would you say to yourself
? Because this guy isn't giving you buying signals.

I was 34 and my now DH was 28 when we met.
We were talking marriage early doors.
We knew where we stood and what we wanted. He moved in after a year and proposed shortly after we are now married.

We were on the same page and could talk openly. You don't have this and he sounds like a man baby - sorry!

EarthSight · 23/12/2020 23:51

just he wants me to get fit and tone up - I’m a size 10-12

Sorry WHAT????

The older I get the more I notice where women get their insecurities from. It's not other women who's fat shaming them and holding them to stupid standards, it's their partners. At least your partner has the decency to be and hold himself accountable to the same standards he expect from you.....makes a change.

However, if he's like this now......what is he going to be like when you've had a baby? The weight sometimes never comes off some women. Is he going to make you feel guilty about, or not believe you when you say that your hormones are different or metabolism's changed? What are you going to feel like when you're exhausted from the lack of sleep, but he expects you to go to the gym? It sounds like he's into high maintenance fitness.

Aprilx · 23/12/2020 23:54

After your first post, I was thinking you need to have the conversation now. After your update, I would not give this relationship another second more.

Diddlysquatty · 23/12/2020 23:59

Er.... wtf?
How do you think he’ll come when you’re pregnant/post natal/start ageing....????
You can do better

Diddlysquatty · 24/12/2020 00:00

*cope! Not come...

Dery · 24/12/2020 00:02

“After your first post, I was thinking you need to have the conversation now. After your update, I would not give this relationship another second more.”

This. It is totally unacceptable for his commitment to you to depend on your body shape. In your desire to settle down, you’ve tried to make this okay but it isn’t. It’s abhorrent. You cannot build a future with such a shallow man.

Lampan · 24/12/2020 00:03

If having kids is important to you, don’t waste any more time on this relationship. You need to move on and look for a partner who is certain about wanting kids soon, and also doesn’t criticise your appearance. If he’s putting pressure on now can you imagine how he will be if it takes you a while to get back into shape after pregnancy?

jessstan1 · 24/12/2020 00:10

@MissSmiley

Unless you're crazy about him and he is about you, don't even consider getting married
I agree. Also you cannot have seen that much of him in a year, surely. There are other fish in the sea.
Suzi888 · 24/12/2020 07:57

What size does he want you to be?Hmm Does he want you to maintain that figure when you are pregnant! Confused What other demands is he going to make once you complied with this one?
Personally I’d be throwing this one back in the sea!

XiCi · 24/12/2020 08:07

I can't really believe what I'm reading. Why do women stay with twunts like this?
Come on OP, you're 36 years old, surely you can see you're wasting your time on this man. He's stringing you along and in the meantime your chances of children will be going out the window.
And in answer to your question, yes people do know early on if they're right for each other, and a year isn't early on. How much time do you want to waste figuring it out?

Oryxx · 24/12/2020 08:10

Nah, mate. He’s not the one for you. Find someone who loves you as you are now not someone who dangles marriage/commitment like a carrot to encourage you to jump on board with his (shallow) idea of what’s important.

You’ve done some mental gymnastics to make this seem ok/normal but it’s really really not. Don’t waste another day on this man.

Neverbeme · 24/12/2020 08:51

You should have walked out of the door the first time he told you to ‘tone up.’

GreenlandTheMovie · 24/12/2020 10:45

Early forties, wishy washy about commitment and telling you to change your figure and lifestyle (ie setting up his excuse for ending it)? He's a player.

Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 11:03

GreenlandTheMovie The signs would point to that but he's only had 1-2 girlfriends his whole life. Virgin until his 30s. Starting to see why!

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 24/12/2020 11:06

Doesn't matter OP. He can still be a player if he plays with wonens' emotions. Late starters are often the worst as they feel they're entitled to play the field as they've missed out.

Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 11:12

Thanks all for your comments. I broke up with a few times, he always came running after me. I told him what each of you has said - I want a man who loves me, and accepts me for who I am, he isn't perfect, he doesn't have a six pack etc, but I accept him for who he is. I am actually healthy with a good weight, and not bad looking!

He says he does love me, he just wants someone as fit as he is, and he doesn't want to break up. If he didn't love me, he said he'd just accept breaking up.

I've explained about how women's bodies change, even men's do over time. It's really not about looks at our age! He said he gets all this and he hasn't brought it up since.

I told him if he were that concerned about my weight, he should be cooking healthy meals for me, and encouraging us to work out together. He seems to have changed his tune now.

I'm making healthy changes for myself, not him - trust me. I know he is punching with me. He hasn't affected my self esteem.

Other than this, we have a good relationship, and he ticks all the boxes. I know what he has said is awful, although as everything else is so good, and we get along and hold similar values, he's financially secure like me, I thought I'd give this more time to see. Trust me, I am not excusing him!

I've been dating for a very long time, and it's not often I meet someone who I actually like. So I don't want to throw this one away just yet. So wondering how much longer I give it. Appreciate some of you think I need to walk away now. Which I have done over the months.

OP posts:
Deepfilledmincepie · 24/12/2020 11:17

Run! And when you're done running, run a bit more!!
His comments about your body are absolutely vile! You are you. You're not a piece of clay he can mould into his 'perfect woman' If he loves you, he loves you as you are, warts and all (you sound lovely to me size 10-12 is in no way big). If you were to have children with him, how is he going to react to your mum bod? He should be worshiping you like a godess OP.
Also, any bloke in their 40s saying they're not ready would also be a bit of a red flag to me, when will he be ready? 45? 50? Why is he blowing hot and cold?
Personally, I wouldn't waste any more time on himFlowers

Deepfilledmincepie · 24/12/2020 11:19

Sorry cross posted x

Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 11:20

That’s fine, good to know what you think Deepfilledmincepie Flowers x

OP posts:
Sakurami · 24/12/2020 11:23

When you tone up, he'll think of another reason to put off marriage and kids. The man is in his 40s and is in a serious relationship with a good looking nice woman who is a size 10-12. He really is trying his best to come up with a reason not to get more serious with you if that is all he can come up with.

If you carry on with him, all your doing is lowering your chances of meeting the right person for you. And there are lots of men out there, and lots that you would get on with and probably a lot better than him!