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Original poster

How long to give this relationship?

78 replies

Socialbutterfly198 · 23/12/2020 19:04

I’ve turned 36 and I am thinking seriously about settling down with a partner and starting a family. I’ve been seeing a man for just over a year who I can see myself settling down with. He started off extremely keen but things have calmed down now. I told him very early on I was looking for a husband to start a family with and he said he was on the same page. Now he seems a little unsure, and as a result, I’m unsure now as well.

I don’t want kids now, but I know I can’t leave it too much longer.

I was thinking of giving it until next summer to bring it up seriously as to next steps - as we’ll have been seeing each other for approaching two years.

Does this seem reasonable?

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 24/12/2020 11:37

Him chasing after you when you break up is not a sign of him loving you. It's a sign of not wanting to be lonely, and missing your companionship. But he's spent most of his adult life being alone, and while he might like the idea of marriage/kids, and want to want them like all his peers, the reality is obviously not exciting him. Hence the wishy washiness and excuses.

The truth is, if he loved you how you want to be loved, he'd be wanting a future with you, and working hard towards proving he does. Especially knowing your biological clock doesn't give you much time for faffing about. Not laying down conditions or making the relationship so unpalatable you feel the need to leave regularly.

It's already such hard work and leaving you so confused and upset, a year in. You're not new to love, and just figuring yourselves out, and what you want in a relationship - you're both trying to force something to work out of fear of being alone. Because deep down you (and he) know it isn't working. Marriage is very very lonely when it's with the wrong person - there's enough people going through divorce to show you how much it is than just waiting for the right person.

If you do get him to move in/propose - how much will you wait till you actually get married? How long till he agrees to trying for a child? Do you think he wants kids enough to support you if conception is long and difficult, and takes its toll on your mind and body? Is he ready for the hard work raising kids if he's barely managing relationships? That's why it's important to have a guy who REALLY wants those things with you, and not one you have to convince.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 24/12/2020 11:39

Jog him on

madcatladyforever · 24/12/2020 11:42

My last husband was the love of my life. Didn't last, he turned into a serial cheater and left after 20 years. Id start thinking about having a baby on your own if you have to. If he's still not on board after another year.

Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 11:54

you're both trying to force something to work out of fear of being alone.

Get what you’re trying to say but I can speak for myself - I’m not afraid of being alone. I like this guy, thought I loved him even. Just wondering how much more time to give. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man. Nobody is perfect though. Again not excusing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 11:55

Id start thinking about having a baby on your own if you have to.

I’d love to if I had much more support and money but it’s just not an option for me.

OP posts:
elfycat · 24/12/2020 12:13

Don't let this man fuck about with the last few years you have before the inevitable menopause. I started the perimenopause at 42 (having had my 2nd child at 39) and I've known women who've wasted their time with the promise of marriage/children with feckless men until it's either too late for children, or until they're on their last handful of menstrual cycles and trying to find a better man.

You need to think about how much time you're prepared to give him bearing in mind I'd have had no more than 6 years of reasonable fertility chances by your age. And don't accept any 'I would if...' That's him putting his unwillingness to get on with it onto you.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/12/2020 12:18

Are joking??? If he’s 40 and doesn’t want kids “yet” then he doesn’t want kids full stop. He doesn’t like that yours a size 10-12??? Wtf. Raise your standards.

Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 12:27

Thanks all, I’m hearing you, and had the same response to him when he said this.

Just need to figure out my next steps, eg, how long I give this before bringing it up a a serious discussion. I don’t want kids now but I guess I’ll want to start trying in a year or so with him. Otherwise it’s back to dating.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/12/2020 12:49

I really wouldn't waste another year on him.

NoDontDoIt · 24/12/2020 12:53

NEXT!

Dont waste any more time on him - new year, new start, find that daddy!

MasterMargarita · 24/12/2020 13:04

Op, everything in your posts screams that you're simply settling. You're not even sure you love him. If you do have a baby and he doesn't meet your expectations of how a father should behave you'll end up loathing him. Bringing a baby into the world can take a toll on the best of relationships, never mind on one fabricated out of necessity.
I will echo a pp to say if you're desperate for a child have one on your own. I know you say there's lack of finances and support but millions of women do this on their own and so could you. If you really can't see yourself without a child.

category12 · 24/12/2020 13:10

You're 36, if you give him another year to be "ready", you're taking the chance he still won't be, and another year will have gone from your fertility window.

And he sounds like a fucking dick with enforced fitness ideal. What if you still don't match up, not toned enough, not skinny enough, not whatever enough? You'll have then spent a couple years trying to be what he wants you to be and it'll be that dangling carrot of maybe he'll be ready in another few months or another dress size. And will you choose to hang on and hope, or make the jump?

I'd cut your losses here. Either he loves you as you are and wants to get serious, or you should bail.

mrstea301 · 24/12/2020 13:30

This always just sits so wrong with me - like "ooh you're perfect, but I won't commit u til you're at an arbitrary weight of my choosing" if that's his only reason then it's really superficial. What if you get to that weight and don't look as thin as he hoped? Will he revise it? What if he then decides he doesn't like your hair colour? Or the way you dress? Throw him back!

Anothernick · 24/12/2020 14:12

Not sure if any men have replied to this but I agree with everyone else. All this telling you what size you should be is effectively threatening you, if you don't live up to his warped view of the ideal woman you he will be disappointed at best and leave you at worst. This is no basis for a successful LTR.

EckhartLolly · 24/12/2020 14:17

This all sounds very wrong. You've broken up a few times already, he doesn't accept you the way you are, he sounds way too intense and frankly not able to have an adult relationship based on mutual respect and love. I'd run a mile if I were you.

CharlotteRose90 · 24/12/2020 14:38

Bollocks to that. 10-12 is fit that’s not big at all. He sounds like an absolute twat. If you had a daughter with him and she was a curvy girl would you let him bring her down? Have some self respect for yourself.

Pollypocket89 · 24/12/2020 14:55

Why would you give it any more time? It sounds pointless from an outside pov

Ikeameatballs · 24/12/2020 14:57

Run away now.

His comments about your body and weight are awful.
He almost certainly will never actually want marriage and children.
When you’ve tried to break up with him in the past he’s come chasing after you, this is not love this is control.

You are 36. You have no more time to give to this guy. You are falling into the “sunken costs fallacy”. You think because you’ve already invested a year of your life you would be wasting that time if you didn’t give it longer. In fact that time is already wasted, the best you can do is get out now and don’t look back!

ChristmasFluff · 24/12/2020 14:57

OP, you can bring it up with him when, and as many times as you like - it will make no difference at all.

You need to listen to this - I apologise in advance, because it isn't what you want to hear. But it is true, and everyone on this thread knows it except you:

His chasing you after you dump him is yet another signal of his emotional unavailability, not a sign of love.

RantyAnty · 24/12/2020 15:04

I wouldn't waste another day on him.
You mentioned breaking up with him a couple of time but didn't say why you did.

Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 15:07

Pollypocket8 because I’m in this relationship and I may not have the benefit of being an outsider, but I also know that I need to do things my way. And I think that may mean more time and another conversation. My original post is about how long to give it, as it’s been only just over a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Socialbutterfly198 · 24/12/2020 15:10

RantyAnty I broke up because of the things he said about my body. He was upset, and said he didn’t mean to hurt me, it’s just something that’s important to him. I gave him the benefit of doubt. He said he was dating me ‘with intent’ and said we have potential for marriage and kids and that he needs to be ready on his side too. I get that. I’ve always been very cautious, hence why I’m childless at 36. But I just don’t know how long to give him - and me to be honest. I know my time is limited so I am under pressure myself more than he is!

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 24/12/2020 15:25

He's fortysomething, has verbal diahorrhea with regards to criticising women and sounds a bit socially inept. He's not exactly going to have a lot of choice of lithe size 8 athletic women pining at his door. Realistically, he is going to have to tailor his "wants" to what he can get. And a size 10/12 is very slim and fit.

I do running, and you do get men like this who join running clubs or other sports groups to try and meet younger women. The women are almost universally never interested, as they have younger, more athletic men to choose from who don't have these oddball ideas.

He honestly doesn't sound very nice and what would worry me is that he isn't very loyal to you. He thinks he could be loyal to a different version of you, but if another woman came along who met his more exacting requirements, I'd worry that he would drop you faster than hot coal. He won't of course, because not many women want a not very nice fortysomething man.

"Intent" and "potential" are very calculating, cautious words to use about a relationship. I really don't like the sound of him.

Dontbeme · 24/12/2020 15:40

Just over a year? Seriously this is when it is supposed to be the most fun, least amount of pressure, it's supposed to be effortless at this point and he is talking about you sculpting your body to his standards and playing stupid games. Honestly OP does this guy make you happy? Are you genuinely happy with him or just hanging on as if he was a liferaft and your last shot at motherhood? What does life look like if you walk away from him, if motherhood doesn't happen for you?

inanotherlifetimeok · 24/12/2020 15:57

You'd give it long enough some time ago