Anyone else worried/scared about the impact of being stuck in an unhappy/toxic relationship during lockdown

[DigitalChristmas]

Feeling trapped and very alone. Tier 4/ lockdown looming and there’s no escape. I need to get ducks in a row in order to leave but due to the financial fallout from the pandemic it’s going to take a bit longer than it otherwise would.

Didn't want to read and run.
Luckily I'm not in that situation, if I had stayed in my miserable marriage then I would have been.
You are the only one who can change things, make a plan to leave and go.
The alternative doesn't bare thinking about and you will feel happier - when I left I was terrified that I couldn't financially afford to go, but things quickly worked out and I'm finally happy.

I am in exactly the same position in a miserable marriage that has stuck together for the kids. I struggled through the March lockdown but can't do it again. This morning I phoned a divorce lawyer and made an appointment for the first week of Jan. I will focus on getting my ducks in a row over the next fortnight and then start he new year by filing for divorce. Ready and willing to hand hold others going through the same situation.

@sundaysupperclub thanks for responding, I was starting to feel rather alone.

It’s sad how many Christmases I’ve spent promising myself that if things don’t improve I’ll leave. Dc are now more aware of his behaviour and one has actually started trying to hold him accountable for said behaviour. It’s scary when a child shows more emotional insight than a grown adult. The dc concerned still absolutely dotes on their father.

@anotherglass That’s great you’ve taken the step of contacting a divorce lawyer. The feeling of being stuck together 24/7 is overwhelming.Things are suffocating being around him and although I’m never at home on my own I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.
One of the Dc is sleeping appallingly and tried to start their day at 4:30am. They were not impressed when I told them to go back to bed. It’s going to be a long day as I’d only managed a couple of hours sleep prior.

It's tough Digital I don't have children and it was still a difficult time (entirely due to my ex's behaviour) but that just confounded my resolve.
Life won't get better if you stay with him
IMHO, and it's really not healthy for children to be raised in that environment

I now know life won’t get better while I’m trapped in a relationship with him. I suppose I didn’t t just want to walk away and wonder what if.
My parents divorced and got back together so perhaps that’s skewed my view some point.

I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. The combination of the uncertainty of having the dc at home with childcare/schools being closed in Jan and having to put up with him 24/7 is filling me with dread.
Tier 4/lockdown restrictions leave me with nowhere to go and no “release valve” on a daily basis. My dear friend is currently stuck overseas for the foreseeable due to the pandemic and I’m unable to confide in my family. It’s so bloody disheartening/depressing that I’m needing to share here as I’ve nobody in real life to turn to. Partners should support each other through the challenging times instead one is being the main driver of additional and unnecessary stress/challenges.

Is there anyone else out there feeling this way?
I had my head bitten off for no good reason by a relative over the phons that I had helped . Under normal circumstances, I’d have chatted to my husband about it but I’m not going to give him further ammunition to justify treating me like crap.

I live with family as well as my husband, so I feel less trapped as I have them, however I have felt like leaving my marriage for a long time and feel unsure about what to do.

@annabellacomestotea I’m glad you have your family support it makes things a bit more manageable.
Is he abusive? If not, is it something you think you can work through?

I am in an unhappy marriage we both have now realised we hate each other basically. We will you live around each other for rest of lockdown. I’m thinking how good things will be once weather improves and we can do things again. I’m thinking of a life without him and just focusing on myself and young children.

[quote DigitalChristmas]@annabellacomestotea I’m glad you have your family support it makes things a bit more manageable.
Is he abusive? If not, is it something you think you can work through?[/quote]
Not abusive. He is just quite absent. He watches TV and video games when not at work. He doesn't talk much. We don't have sex anyone (he would like to but I can't bring myself too.) I stay more because I'm scared of being alone and he is good and kind, just not so much there.

Yes, me. I have been unhappy really for a long while and lockdown and restrictions this past year have lifted away all my usual support networks and coping mechanisms such as work, friends, clubs etc. and I now see what a selfish, manipulative arsehole I have been married to. I have 2 young children and plan to divorce but the fear of him trying for 50/50 custody of the children has dampened my resolve and now we are on the brink of another lockdown (I am already in a tier 4 area). I long to have space from him, especially as he knows I am no longer prepared to put up with his emotional blackmail and is putting on an Oscar-winning performance of how sad he is and what an amazing father he is (despite being pretty lazy, selfish and inept as a parent since day 1). I could cry at the thought of weeks or even months in lockdown again.

I hear you re: the release valve OP, that is how I have coped for years, unwittingly!

@Indecision1234 sorry to hear you also find yourself in a tough situation. Yes, the whole 50:50 custody thing scares me too especially as we are located close to his family and it would just be me when they were in my care.

The discipline issues that we “butt heads” on no doubt would become ammunition for him to win points with the dc. He already paints me as the unreasonable one who prevents them from doing activities I believe are not age appropriate. There are always digs about me not wanting them to have fun when all I’m trying to do is protect them. His justification is that said activities never harmed him, to be completely honest, I don’t think that’s the case.
I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve spoken of the importance of us sharing a united front on these issues but none of that matters to him.

@annabellacomestotea even although the relationship is not abusive, it’s still a very solitary and lonely existence for you by the sounds of things.

The hardest thing is knowing you should have someone there in your corner who has your back and with whom you share a mutual respect. I don’t think I’ve ever had that in my life. My ex partner made it clear to me I was second best.

My New Years resolution is not to see in 2022 with this poor excuse of a relationship. We managed less than 10 mins into the new year before he displayed shitty behaviour.

Just feel so utterly deflated. Just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. No idea how I’m going to get through the current lockdown.

@DigitalChristmas I feel the same as you. Not helped with the holiday period, but I can't stand being in the same room as my husband. I can't see my future with him at all. The thought of another lockdown is too much. We can't split up really due to our financial situation so for now I'm stuck. I'm willing him to have an affair so at least he's occupied and off my back 😬

Hi,

I split with my husband in June after a really shitty lockdown 1. Realised we weren't a team, everything fell to me and the only reason I was sticking with it was I was able to escape at times. He actually didn't speak to me at all for 6 weeks of lockdown while I worked full time, homeschooled two children and did every single other thing to keep the house running. I just realised I deserved better!!

I'm not going to lie, the time since then has been horrific. He has exposed his true colours and has subjected me to some awful emotional abuse. We are getting divorced and decree nisi is due on 5th jan and although I'm still struggling mentally, a lot due to being locked down again on my own now. There is an end in sight and by the end of this I will have my own little house and a life free from him. And I cannot wait!

His family were saying I was crazy to do all of this during the pandemic (but they don't know they half of it) but my feeling was the pandemic is horrible anyway so may as well get this done now!

Please stay strong. You are worth more and can make that break xx

Well done @sophmum31 for getting through such a tough time. The best is just around the corner!

@DigitalChristmas it is so hard being in lockdown when in a bad relationship. Would you consider starting the process of separation regardless of lockdown?

I have resolved to speak to my H this week. I am dreading it. I know life is going to be even worse before it gets better. I am just hoping he sees sense and I get to have the DC stay with me majority of the time without a huge battle. As @sophmum31 says this year is likely to be difficult anyway so kind of May as well get this over with too!

I have had some legal advice but not sure what to do now to get ‘ducks in a row’?

Did you get all the financial information you needed before getting legal advice @Indecision1234? All the information on assets including pensions and debts and what income you each have. That's where I'd start.

@profilechange I've had the same wish, that he'd have an affair. Even run off with her. Would get rid of the guilt I feel. Whenever I see a thread on here saying their OH has left I think wish my DH would do that.

Thanks @HereIAmOnceAgain - I had some vague figures on his income and pensions (and not sure how I would find out accurate figures without outright asking him?!). Could have a bit more in pensions than I know about. Mortgage and property value and my own salary and pensions I do know. Debts are joint, but in his name. Again, I have a rough idea what they are although only based on what he’s told me in the past. No other real assets to worry about. Solicitor advised I could expect 60/40 settlement in my favour. Annoyingly a lot of money in the house came from my parents but solicitor has told me that means nothing as we’re married and the house is jointly owned.

@profilechange - I also have hoped H would have an affair and bugger off. But why should we feel guilty for wanting a calmer, happier life? Need to keep in mind the reasons we find ourselves in this predicament.

[quote profilechange]@DigitalChristmas I feel the same as you. Not helped with the holiday period, but I can't stand being in the same room as my husband. I can't see my future with him at all. The thought of another lockdown is too much. We can't split up really due to our financial situation so for now I'm stuck. I'm willing him to have an affair so at least he's occupied and off my back 😬[/quote]
@profilechange I could have written HMO’s word for word minus the affair part.

This is HMO’s. My autocorrect is on drugs.

How is everyone doing?

I told my H tonight that I want to divorce. I am now on the sofa after he refused to take it in turns having the bedroom (we have no spare room) and suggested we carry on sleeping in the same bed. He spent a bit of time trying to persuade me that it was down to the pandemic, then that I ought to give counselling more of a shot, before then turning unpleasant and announcing he won’t be moving out (he hadn’t been asked to).

I imagine I’m in for a rough few months now. Instructing a solicitor this week. I feel anxious but a bit lighter.

@Indecision1234 that was a bold move while we are in lockdown, sorry to hear that he’s being so difficult. Glad you’re feeling a bit lighter now you’ve started the ball rolling

I’m probably looking at March/April before I can do anything due to finances, I couldn’t even scrape up enough money for the initial consult with the divorce lawyer at present.

@Indecision1234 could you put a mattress on the floor in one of your kids rooms? Tell them daddy snores and you need to catch up on sleep. No spare rooms here too. Our youngest two boys were in together and they were fighting a lot, youngest boy has not sleeping much. So I moved middle boy into the room with his older brother and moved in with the youngest 'because' he wasn't sleeping.

I'm worried about DH getting 50/50 too. DH is not good alone with the boys for long. He has very little patience and doesn't cope well with their SN. They won't talk to him when something serious is wrong. They won't go to him for support. And selfishly I want to see my kids more than 50% of the time. I don't want to not see them every day, but I don't want him to miss them either. This whole thing is so painful and so unfair.