Anyone else worried/scared about the impact of being stuck in an unhappy/toxic relationship during lockdown

[DigitalChristmas]

Feeling trapped and very alone. Tier 4/ lockdown looming and there’s no escape. I need to get ducks in a row in order to leave but due to the financial fallout from the pandemic it’s going to take a bit longer than it otherwise would.

Well done on making the move.

I’ve planted the seed with mine now but H is doing the usual stonewall technique and saying if I knew how to talk to him things would run smoothly.

I plan to focus on the children for next few weeks wait till he comes to me and say I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve already said to him we are both unhappy so hoping he will
Come to the conclusion himself.

I have been watching YouTube videos on narcissistic marriages it in a way makes me feel comfortable to know it’s his problem.

@DigitalChristmas - most solicitors offer a free 30m consultation, that’s how I got my initial advice. Even that was worth having. I am skint but thankfully parents are supportive and will sub me any fees.

@HereIAmOnceAgain my eldest is only 6 but already questioned my night on the sofa last night. I told him I have a bad back, and after last night’s dreadful sleep it’s the truth. Just sucking it up for now. I will see about an air bed though! Still panicking about the 50/50 thing. My H is also not great with the kids on his own, and in fact has never taken both out on his own! He shirks parenting, unless it is fun for him or earns him glory. Rolls his eyes when they play too loudly or irritate him. Huffs and puffs when they want anything. This is one of the many reasons I want to divorce. It makes me feel sick to think of the kids having to spend more than an overnight at a time with him, but the kids are young and know no different, they love him. So I won’t make access difficult but I do hope he will allow their main residence to me with me.

@Stiltonloving I also planted a seed, a few months ago now. I totally thought he also wanted a divorce but apparently not, I have evidently shocked him by not wanting to put up with his miserable behaviour for the rest of my life. I must watch the narcissistic marriage videos. I am convinced my H is a covert narcissist. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me to stop falling for his (and anyone else’s) ‘feel sorry for me’ acts.

Waiting to hear back from mortgage broker and solicitor with options for the next steps. I just want to get through the awfulness and out the other side!

@Indecision1234 I’ll look into things but given our circumstances are rather complex I think a 30 min consult will leave me feeling even more confused than I already am.

How are people managing with the colder weather. I think the whole of the uk is currently sub zero.

I to have a miserable marriage, I hate these lockdowns, am WFH with the DD he his working as normal, I dread 6pm when I know he’ll be home, I started with new year let’s go you got this! started looking for a better paid role to help with the separation I want so much now home schooling again so am stuck and trapped can’t breath and hating every second he’s in the house, x

@Feelingchicken99 sorry I missed your post. I think lockdown acts like a pressure cooker on already strained relationships.
I think homeschooling has thrown a spanner in the works for many of us as all our energy is just focused on getting through each day with our dc. The fact that there is no “finish line” in sight I think makes it all the more challenging.

Why would a solicitor make you more confused OP? It can be clarifying to know where you stand legally, no? If I were on the throes of a divorce I would be begging borrowing or stealing to get any initial advice money together, and as a PP said maybe you could get first 1/2 hour free?

@PipTeak my circumstances are such that there are so many variables, issues with relocations, specific school needs for each of the dc, property prices through the roof for rentals in our current area, problematic in laws. It would take far longer than 30 mins to discuss options, hence me concerned about being left even more confused. I will look into it and perhaps just ask for a few key issues/concerns to be addressed.

I’m really struggling with the dc and homeschooling and the complete lack of support and disrespect from both the dc and dh. One has told me they have no motivation for home learning so I’m fighting an uphill battle each and every day.

Sick of dh twisting things around so I’m the one being cruel and/or unfair. DARVO springs to mind although we are not really doing much denying at the moment just twisting things so everything is my damn fault.
Just feel so damn trapped at the moment, I’m also feeling under the weather(not covid related) and have had a specialist appt cancelled due to covid so the symptoms for that are adding to the current lurgy

Hopeful bump

Hey lovely, whats he doing that's so bad day to day? Is it bad enough, do you think, that you might need to chat to women's aid? I left my husband in November and I feel so free now, I promise you there's hope x

DH does the same, twists it all into my fault. He's more likely counter attack then deny. Though if I push back on the counter attack he'll deny, say he didn't say/do that or that I interpreted wrong.

How old are DC? Could you make something they enjoy doing contingent on finishing school work? I use screen time for that. In my case it's doing therapy homework and tidying toys away. Both must be done or zero screen time (tablet & console) . Not in lockdown currently here.

I to have a pretty shitty week with my H, the DD has been ok with the schooling this week but I’ve put strict rules in with screentimes of work isn’t completed before the end of the normal school day.
Today was looking up made some plans with the girls for weekends away they surprised me with a birthday trip, I’ve told him about these plans well in advance and now we’re back to stomping and banging things and him taking his frustrations about me out on DD, just being sharp and impatient with her, so it’s looking like sofa for 1 again tonight. How old are your kids? I’d have a sit down with them explain the expectations that they need to meet and then leave it with them my DD is 9 she understands this is her education it’s the only one she’s getting at the moment and she has to just get on with it,

Dd is 9 and dsd is 12. It’s dd who has lost all motivation. She was doing so well up until the start of this lockdown. She says she feels like an only child as dsd isn’t here all the time and is really struggling without the day to day school routine and being with friends The thing is dh over rides me with the dc if I try to restrict tech. He told me it’s not fair he misses out on playing a game with the dc.

@havecourage8bekind it’s not any one specific incident it’s the constant chipping away that’s taking its toll.

@Feelingchicken99 only just read your post after my last one posted. Yes I too am trying to explain that this may well be our new normal for the foreseeable and she needs to try her best. I’m not prepared to have a battle every day but then my hard work gets rapidly undone by him undermining me at every opportunity.
Any time I try to speak to him about anything I’m being mean or cruel. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so defensive before in my life.

Men! Why can’t they just help in a helpful way just to spit us, I’d be having a family discussion and making your point to them both and force some sort of agreement, are you WFH as well, it’s really hard work.
I’ve had a week of over bearing hidden meaning comments from him, it’s made life rather uncomfortable I have explained we remember things differently he’s remembers it as great and I remember it as me just going along with it to shut him up, that’s untill tonight we’re he’s got the face on because he’s realising that I’m making op labs that don’t include him,
You got this x

Spoken to them before but sadly only results in temporary changes. Will just get ore accusations of being mean/unreasonable or pestering them if I broach the subject again.

Texted him last night to raise and issue and my response sounded something like a veiled threat. Called him on it and he was alleging it was genuine concern.

It’s so lonely not having someone else to chat to. Don’t feel able to even chat to him any longer due to some of his attitudes. If I confronted him, he’d claim I was being sensitive or taking him far too seriously.

Trigger warning ⚠️
Discussing covid and wider implications including suicide. He said there should be a regular service for people to end their life called squish o’clock at six o’clock. He’s got no concept of just how abhorrent what he said and just said it would stop causing inconvenience to commuters.

I've told my h a couple of weeks ago that we are separating due to his behaviour.

At the moment he accepts he's fucked up one too many times and I've calmly explained to him how his behaviours and lack of thought and lurching crisis issues have affected me for so long I am no longer willing to carry on propping shit up all the time

I've told him his ways drain me and that he needs therapy to help him really deal with his issues rather than sticking his head in the sand as all that's done is damaged our marriage beyond repair this time.

I've been unhappy for quite some time.
The intimacy went a while ago and I haven't even wanted to to be honest.

The affection has gradually waned and I've turned into his mother more than lover

How much of it he has taken in I have no idea and I know him well enough to know that he will only feel
Sorry for himself.

All's calm at the moment because we haven't actually sat down to work out the logistics as the first thing he said was he is not moving out

I've no contingency fund thanks to Covid so I can't realistically do anything until I have some more finances behind me but trying to get my head around everything right now

@yellowperil40 hope you are doing ok all things considered. I won’t even broach the subject of separation while we are in lockdown. Cowardly perhaps, but I’m at his mercy from a financial perspective and I’m not prepared to give him any more power than he already has.

Do you have dc together? Disheartening to see his default and first instinct was to say he’s not moving out but sadly all too common.

@DigitalChristmas
Yes two dc that I have homeschooled from day one of the first lockdown and have pretty much always managed all the schooling appointments parents evenings you name it even though when not in lockdown I work full time and more.

I've been juggling work and dc and house admin myself for a long time and when he wanted the training for the new job role was promised it meant his hours would change so he would be home earlier in time for pick up so I could work extra hours to earn more myself however that never materialised and actually got worse.

I always work one weekend day a week and more often than not the night before he would come home and say he's been asked to work the day I was working and it used to really wind me up and mean I would have to organise childcare

He's just got more selfish over time to the point I realised I'm literally juggling everything and he was no longer another adult that had my back and did his fair share,he's been like having another dependant and I'd have to ask him to actually do things around the house on his days off.

When I finally snapped a couple of weeks ago whilst telling him I've had enough I told him he doesn't have my back,he doesn't think of me when he makes choices and decisions and has no respect for me as his partner.

His response is that he loves me more than anything and never does things deliberately but I've put him straight that as an adult he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and how they affect other people in life and that's exactly why I'm waking away from him.

I know I'm making the right decision because I haven't once regretted saying it and telling him why and I have not shed one tear because I know it's the right decision.

The frustration is we get on so well and because he's been off this week he's slipping back into doing things without me asking but time will tell if that's just to try and prove he can do it and wants to play happy families

I've told him I need more than that from a partner.
I deserve to be not looked after but treated equally and respectfully as a partner and mum not at someone's disposal

I want someone who has my back and that I can trust and tell anything to and I can no longer do that with him

Sad but true.

I have to get finances in order and save up so I have some money behind me and then I guess it will be a battle but Im not willing to rock the boat until the dc are back into school.

A poster said when they see posts from women that their partners have upped and left she wishes that was her husband,well I feel exactly like that which is sad but staying with someone because you feel sorry for them isn't the right thing to do.

I've learnt that now

Is there some way your DD can connect socially? Could she Skype or face time with friends after school work is completed or play an online game with a friend/s again when school work is completed?

My eldest is 8 (Adhd and anxiety) , his psychologist said with kids if you want to change behaviour when they do the behaviour you want from them they need a tangible immediate reward every time, it ends their brain the message that behaviour is beneficial to them. Often kids don't know why they're acting a certain way and their brain is still developing, so they might struggle to understand the future reward of schooling for example.
Can just be something little or stars/stickers on a chart working towards something bigger they want.

@HereIAmOnceAgain yes she does manage some online catchups but sadly it’s not cutting the mustard. Trying to get her out as much as possible. Dsd does join us when she’s here which is great.

Speak to school and see if they can offer her a place based on her emotional health, a few children at my D school have 2/3 days a week based on this,
Hope your weekend isn’t to bad, I’m off out for a snowy social distance walk to my BF in the woods to do some swearing.

@Feelingchicken99 thanks for your kind words. Sadly the school are not in a position to help. Other people in her year group have not been able to get a place that have desperately needed one. My DF is coming off night shifts having to look after her dc as her DH can’t work from home. She’s trying to sort something out.
Hope you have a lovely walk and it’s the stress relief you need.

@DigitalChristmas, I’ve had a a lovely walk out, done some swearing and screaming in frustrations out in the woods with no one to hear, made me feel able to face the rest of the weekend,
I would be pushing the school each week about your situation until they give, maybe explain in full to them your homes issues schools are meant to be taking in vulnerable children and I’m in now way saying she’s at any harm, but maybe stress to them your home life situation and they maybe able to offer some help, x

@Feelingchicken99 that’s great you were able to get out and enjoyed your walk.
No luck with the school unfortunately so will just keep plodding along.