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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH does not want to mix with my family at xmas

69 replies

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 22/12/2020 18:37

Hi all
Wanting to hear from others in a similar situation. Married for 6 years. 2 DCs 6 and 4. I come from a close family. 3 sisters, grandparents, mum and dad, aunts and uncles. We would all spend Xmas and Boxing Day together each yr. obviously different this year.

But since we got married 6yrs ago my DH has been against my parents because he felt they were critical of the wedding reception - in particular the music which he had spent a long time planning. So he has held a grudge since. My parents probably won’t even remember that evening in terms of the detail. But I think that was the start of the problem. Gradually he has withdrawn from most family events and occasions and does not want to participate.

For the last few years we have had Xmas day on our own with our DCs. It is actually a lot easier for us because we can do exactly what we want to our schedule and eat when we want. I know my DH likes to get food that he chooses and each year we have had something different rather than stick with the tradition of turkey.

So I have started a tradition on Xmas eve where I invite my parents, sisters, grandmother who is still alive and now my sister has a son 3 yrs so my nephew. My kids really enjoy it. We allow some presents to be opened so my parents can see them opening some gifts. But DH says he is not going to be involved so will either go out or will spend the whole time upstairs. I think he did that last yr too.

If my parents ask I tend to brush over it and says he has work to finish ( he works at home). But I think I am going to have to be honest and tell them there is an issue. It’s pretty obvious. Also as our DCs get older they will become more aware and it will be obvious to them too.

For context he is not that close to his Dad. Doesn’t really keep in contact by phone. His dad lives in the other end of the country. His mum died when he was 15 and he fell out with his sister over the inheritance so he has not spoken to her in approx 20 yrs. I think he views family very differently and does not have the same bonds that I do to my family.

Anyone in the same position? How do you manage the underlying tension? (Luckily there’s have been no big arguments).

I really want my DCs to feel that they are part of a big loving family.

OP posts:

soopedup · 22/12/2020 18:42

You are SO lucky. Do you know how lucky you are? I’d give EVERYTHING to have that lovely, big supportive family who spend time together. You have been given a special gift that money cannot buy. Do NOT let him ruin what you have. Please. I cannot tell you how lucky you are. You probably have no idea at all. Sisters, plural that are involved in your life and who are NICE? Your kids have cousins kind of the same age? In your position I would get rid of the husband and find somebody who will be part of what you have

soopedup · 22/12/2020 18:43

How did you even end up with this man?

LawnFever · 22/12/2020 18:45

He sounds horrible, your family sound great

What kind of ridiculous man child holds a silly grudge about nothing for six years? What redeeming features does he have?

Palavah · 22/12/2020 18:47

Out of interest does he have any friends that he's known longer than a couple of years?

Goawayquickly · 22/12/2020 18:49

God he sounds appalling, so rude. How do you bear him?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 22/12/2020 18:50

What a pathetic man. Probably jealous of the relationship you have with your family.

TokyoSushi · 22/12/2020 18:51

He sounds horrible. How is he other than this? It sounds like he's trying to cut you off from what sounds like a lovely family...

MondayYogurt · 22/12/2020 18:52

He wants you in the same boat as him. Don't fall for it. Your family is precious. Music selection at a wedding ffs. What a tenuous excuse for a grudge.

sundaysupperclub · 22/12/2020 18:55

Abusive men always try and separate their wives/partners from supportive family & friends (just saying).

Your family sounds so precious- don't lose any opportunity to spend time with them for that loser, you shouldn't have any regrets.

Ughmaybenot · 22/12/2020 18:55

He sounds like a rude, immature twat. Your family sound lovely. Do not, ever, let him separate you from them, you’ll regret it forever if you do.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 22/12/2020 18:56

He sounds immature and rude. I’d find that very hard to get past. Pathetic that if he has a problem he can’t either say something or get over it. What a manipulative way to handle conflict. Honestly it rings alarm bells. Every time I’ve seen this kind of simmering problem with in-laws it leads to a split either from the family or the marriage.

picklemewalnuts · 22/12/2020 19:00

Another one asking about friends? Are you the only person in his life? It's very poor that he can't welcome people into his home and host them politely.

Tangerines2021 · 22/12/2020 19:00

What did your parents do that was so bad (sounds like practically nothing)? I’m struggling to think of an excuse for him behaving so appallingly, I really don’t think you should put up with it. As pp said, lovely that you have such a big close family. Your DH sounds... not so lovely.

ChateauMargaux · 22/12/2020 19:05

Allow him to step out of this family time but remind him that it is a choice and that you want your children to be part of this extended family and to have this as a template to build their own futures from. Tell him you are sorry his family is not the same and that he is very welcome as part of your family.

Tell him that this is non negotiable and that it makes you sad that he cannot find a way to be part of it.

Ask him to explain it to you so that you can explain it to your family and your children.

Tell your family that he does not feel comfortable in this family situation and that it is not your place to explain.

When the kids are older, you can explain that Daddy doesn't like being part of a big group.

Rosiedo · 22/12/2020 19:06

I would love to have a family like this, don’t let him take this away from you. Tell him he is being bloody petty and to grow up. Falling out with your parents over music FFS!

Can I just ask what type of parent is he to your children? Would he like your children to treat you and him the same way as he treats your family? Would he like your children to just not bother with either of you when they are adults?

Tell him he’s a twat and tell him to grow the fuck up.

Original poster

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 22/12/2020 19:07

I am sure that because of this behaviour that is how everyone will view him. Which is a shame because as a family we have a good family unit. He is interested in us doing activities as a four. I think that because he has never been part of a big family unit. He does not realise how important it is.

Our family unit is much like he had as a kid: his mum and dad had moved here from Hong Kong far away from their family. No grandparents or aunts uncles close by. It was just his dad, mum sister and him. We are mum, dad, daughter and son.

He does not have a close relationship with his dad. His mum is gone. His sister is just absent.

He does have friendships with people going back 10-15 yrs. but now u would say he doesn’t make much effort to see them or keep in contact. With 2 young kids it’s hard. Even I struggle to make time for my friends.

I know I know it’s a really stupid thing to hold a grudge over. Yes the red flags were there about the rift with his sister. But the one thing I know is that I will not change him. So I have to make the best out of this situation for the DCs.

OP posts:

soopedup · 22/12/2020 19:16

No you don’t. It’s not down to you to make the best of it. Do you really want to be appeasing this way for the rest of your life?

BenoneBeauty · 22/12/2020 19:17

I completely agree with everyone else on the thread - you're very lucky to have such a great family so please do your best to not let him ruin that. Sadly I have a friend in your position and over the years her DH has successfully managed to drive a wedge - no big fight or fall out & no real reason why he's done it, but he's managed to severely restrict how often she sees her family and their DCs rarely see their grandparents or extended family at all.

Put a stop to it now Op - please don't let that be you in 10 years time. My friend is the loveliest person and she actually had a complete nervous breakdown over it a few years ago - she's in a better position now but the whole situation has absolutely wrecked her.

4amWitchingHour · 22/12/2020 19:19

@ChateauMargaux

Tell him that this is non negotiable and that it makes you sad that he cannot find a way to be part of it.

Ask him to explain it to you so that you can explain it to your family and your children.

Tell your family that he does not feel comfortable in this family situation and that it is not your place to explain.

When the kids are older, you can explain that Daddy doesn't like being part of a big group.

This is good advice

picklemewalnuts · 22/12/2020 19:20

Make the best of it for your D.C. by telling him that it's impolite to hide in the bedroom when you have visitors.

OmarListening · 22/12/2020 19:20

Going to be completely honest here, I really hate large family gatherings. Even with my own family. I'd rather see a couple of people at a time. Anything over 6 people gathering in a house I find stressful and I end up feeling very insular and quiet and overwhelmed.

Does DH have any sensory processing issues? Is he an introvert?

Tbh I tolerate large family gatherings but I don't enjoy them at all. I put on a cheerful face because it's expected of me. I'd prefer to have a couple of smaller family lunches.

NoSquirrels · 22/12/2020 19:26

How do you manage the underlying tension?

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I’d ask my DH to come to relationship counselling with me to understand how critically important this was to me.

I would find this a slow, prolonged death knell fir our relationship otherwise, so he’d HAVE to take it seriously.

But you say

But the one thing I know is that I will not change him.

So it sounds like you know he won’t listen to you, even on something important.

So I have to make the best out of this situation for the DCs.

The thing is, you can’t. Not unless he agrees to addressing his issues. Because otherwise you’re modelling a really unhealthy dynamic. Like - really awful, that it’s OK to just ignore people and that’s normal.

I’m really sorry but I can’t say anything positive that doesn’t involve your DH addressing his issues.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2020 19:29

He sounds incredibly bloody rude. Presumably your family aren’t stupid and know fine well what's going on, it sounds pretty bloody obvious. I would stop lying to them. He holds a grudge over something from 6 years ago?! Like a child!

NoSquirrels · 22/12/2020 19:33

@OmarListening

Does DH have any sensory processing issues? Is he an introvert?

Tbh I tolerate large family gatherings but I don't enjoy them at all. I put on a cheerful face because it's expected of me. I'd prefer to have a couple of smaller family lunches.

That’s different though, isn’t it? OP is saying her husband refuses to have anything to do with her family, regardless of group dynamics or size of gathering. That’s unacceptable.

If my DH said “I find this hard - I’m not used to it and it’s tricky for me and I wish we didn’t host these massive gatherings” I would listen and adjust.

But he’s not. He’s just ... ignoring that he has any form of relationship to his wife’s extended family, with no explanation. Isolating her as much as he can from the family she grew up in. It’s shitty.

ChocolateTea · 22/12/2020 19:33

I'm with Omar. I come from a very small, and rather distant, family. Only person I'm close to is my mum. DP comes from a bigger very close family. They all happily spend Christmas together, they're loud, they're close, they have in jokes, it's manic, and tbh I probably look like I have an issue as I often opt out. This year gave me the perfect excuse and I'm so looking forward to not having to pretend all day.

Characteristics you think are endearing in your sisters, he may really dislike. And that's OK. He married you, not your family

He's not stopping them coming over, he's just opting to go elsewhere for it. I don't see any harm in that? If he banned them fr the house or you from seeing them or actively slagged them off to you, that's different. But if he just opts out, then that's OK surely?

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