DH does not want to mix with my family at xmas

[Heartofgoldmumof2]

Hi all
Wanting to hear from others in a similar situation. Married for 6 years. 2 DCs 6 and 4. I come from a close family. 3 sisters, grandparents, mum and dad, aunts and uncles. We would all spend Xmas and Boxing Day together each yr. obviously different this year.

But since we got married 6yrs ago my DH has been against my parents because he felt they were critical of the wedding reception - in particular the music which he had spent a long time planning. So he has held a grudge since. My parents probably won’t even remember that evening in terms of the detail. But I think that was the start of the problem. Gradually he has withdrawn from most family events and occasions and does not want to participate.

For the last few years we have had Xmas day on our own with our DCs. It is actually a lot easier for us because we can do exactly what we want to our schedule and eat when we want. I know my DH likes to get food that he chooses and each year we have had something different rather than stick with the tradition of turkey.

So I have started a tradition on Xmas eve where I invite my parents, sisters, grandmother who is still alive and now my sister has a son 3 yrs so my nephew. My kids really enjoy it. We allow some presents to be opened so my parents can see them opening some gifts. But DH says he is not going to be involved so will either go out or will spend the whole time upstairs. I think he did that last yr too.

If my parents ask I tend to brush over it and says he has work to finish ( he works at home). But I think I am going to have to be honest and tell them there is an issue. It’s pretty obvious. Also as our DCs get older they will become more aware and it will be obvious to them too.

For context he is not that close to his Dad. Doesn’t really keep in contact by phone. His dad lives in the other end of the country. His mum died when he was 15 and he fell out with his sister over the inheritance so he has not spoken to her in approx 20 yrs. I think he views family very differently and does not have the same bonds that I do to my family.

Anyone in the same position? How do you manage the underlying tension? (Luckily there’s have been no big arguments).

I really want my DCs to feel that they are part of a big loving family.

@SeasonFinale

So this year you can't meet on Christmas Eve anyway so I assume you mean for future years you need the advice.

Unless she’s somewhere with no restrictions....

Ridiculous how much criticism your DH is getting on here just because he’s not comfortable with big family gatherings.

As always the Mn double standards prevail, and I’m sure if it were a woman saying that she didn’t want to spend time with her husbands large extended family that she’s felt criticised by in the past then she’d be told to put herself first and not join in if she’s didn’t want to. But when a man dies the same he’s being rude and and people wonder why you’re with him. It’s crazy.

Just let your DH do what makes him comfortable. He’s not trying to stop you from having the relationship you want with your family, he just isn’t interested in being part of it himself, and that’s absolutely fine! He can still be a good husband and father.

This is awful OP - it's emotional abuse. If this carries on you are going to be totally isolated, away from your lovely family and then God knows how he will run you down - and your kids too.

In the NY sit down and tell him what you need and agree a compromise of when he needs to show up to family events. Be clear that you won't accept being separated from your family and life by stealth.

If he point blank refuses to see your family, well you may find a way to live with that. But if he continues to try and separate you and the kids from them then that isn't OK, and you have to move on for the sake of yourself and the kids.

And for all the people saying he's just an introvert/it's double standards...he might be but it isn't.

Wanting to do the bare minimum of family contact is one thing, sulking upstairs when your partner's parents come round on Christmas eve is another. It's putting a dark cloud across your kids and your partner's Christmas, it's putting your partner in an impossible position where they has to chose between you and her other connections. That is manipulative and abusive whether the person concerned is a woman or a man.

Think you need to figure this out with him before you say for definite to your family that he has an issue with them as then the tension will be even worse. There have been lots of suggestions here as to why. Explore this first next year after Christmas and get to the root of the problem. Whether it is because of them not enjoying the music, jealousy of close family, too many people, too much noise, different personalities. Once you know the issue then you can deal with it.

Bloody hell OP. Does he have any other issues? Continuing to sulk about a wedding playlist from years ago is absolutely insane and he can't even play nice for Christmas eve?

He sounds jealous and bitter. Fancy having a grudge for six years over something petty like not liking the wedding music 🙄
Spend it with your family and give your h a bag of lemons to suck on 🍋🍋🍋🍋

What a nasty git. How can you accept that?? I'd be telling him that his behaviour is childish and causing problems in your relationship. That you'd like him to make more of an effort or else you fear the relationship may worsen.

It's horrible he's treating your family like that.

I can't really understand why you've let it go for 6 years. Have you really not broached it with him? It can't be solely over his choice of music at your wedding, though I can't imagine why his inlaws would have openly expressed criticism - what sort of people do that? Are you blind to the way they treat him maybe? Do they not like him generally? A sensitive person would feel that and not want to be surrounded by loads of members of the family, wondering how they also view him.

I also find the concept of people saying he's not worthy to be your husband absurd. We simply don't have enough information to reach that conclusion. All you have asked is how to deal with the tension.

He may be autistic, introverted, traumatised - none of these are things to be dismissed. Maybe the answer is smaller gatherings. Or at their houses? Why should his space be invaded when you know he isn't happy with that?

Surely as an adult one's immediate family is the most important? Not the family one grew up with. Yes they are important but not at a cost to your marriage.

There are other ways to manage seeing your family. Nothing you say suggests your DH tries to stop you seeing them, as some PP have stated. There are no issues re meeting up in my family but my kids know my brother, their uncle, particularly well as he has often joined us on outings (usually without my DH) or taken them out himself. It doesn't have to be everyone getting together the whole time. And kids can like being at home for Christmas- we have mostly gone away but at one time, they used to ask to stay home. Doesn't mean they don't enjoy seeing the wider family.

Of course, if you are looking ooking for confirmation that he is a terrible abusive man and you should leave him forwith, you have plenty of that.

What an odd post gannet. It’s wonderful for you and your children having a kind fun supportive extended family. It is very precious we are fortunate enough to be in a similar situation but dh values this very much too. Your dh sounds dreadful.

What did your wedding music have to do with your parents? Did they criticise your H to his face and if they did, what was said? I can understand your parents wanting to hear a couple of songs, maybe. But beyond that, why did they even have anything to say to or about his music choice? It wasn't their wedding. Or have they criticised behind his back and you told him?

@ChateauMargaux better put than I could. Don't leave it until next year, then the year after etc.

I am from a very small and insular family unit. Just my parents, myself and my sister, with my maternal grandmother one of the few regular visitors.

My DH came from a much larger family set-up. I did try hard to be sociable whenever there was a gathering we were expected at. I have to say though that I found large gatherings stressful and unnatural for me. I rarely enjoyed them and was always glad when they were over. They just aren't my thing and not something I grew up accustomed to.

You continue your contact with your family. If DH finds it awkward to join in then I'd tell him that that is fine provided he doesn't carry it to the point of rudeness, as he is at the moment.

I must say though that he sounds extraordinarily immature if he is still carrying a grudge over criticism of the wedding music after 6 years! Unless there is much more to it. I'd certainly put my foot down there and tell him to stop this bullshit once and for all.

I mean he just sounds really rude and I’ll mannered. Fancy j
Keeping a grudge about music choice going for 6 years! I wouldn’t protect him any more by making excuses about work. Call out the rudeness.

You don’t have to ‘get’ big families or even especially like your extended family, but family is all about making the effort.

At the very least, his manners are terrible.

And the sulking and grudge bearing is pretty controlling.

I would talk to him, after Christmas, about these people being family to his children. The people who will be there for them if you two meet a tragic accident. They are people important to you and it is undermining you and failing to accept what is important to you.

I would even consider asking him to go to couples counselling with you to address this difference in your family dynamic.

What you do tomorrow, I’m not sure. But as PP said, do not let him take this away from you.

Your family sounds just like mine and I love it. Luckily my DH embraces it, as he likes fun and good times.

One of my BILS on the other hand is similar to your H, but isn't quite as bad and wouldn't disappear....but can be unsociable. I think it's jealousy. Except what I don't like is he tries to infer that my Dsis makes their kids closer to our family...its just because he's not close to his own family and has issues from his childhood.

Don't change your family traditions because of him. The kids in our family love the time together and I wouldn't change that fir the world.

My Dsis kids are now old enough to see their dads insecurities.

Absolutely Sandy. Kids are tiny and biddable for only a few short years - teens seen all this very clearly - ours have seen things we haven’t even noticed! So these sulking adults are going to be seen for what they are by clear eyed 14 year olds...

My aunt was married to a guy like this.

I'm the end they divorced and she is a million times happier.

Why stay with this miserable controlling bastard?

My first thought was did OPs parents actually criticise the music or was that just an excuse not to see them. He's either sensitive to it in some way and can't cope, he doesn't care about OPs needs and just doesn't want to see her family or he's controlling and using the music excuse to isolate OP from her family. Only OP knows what is most likely given his other behaviours. @Heartofgoldmumof2 you need to talk to him. Tell him you want to understand and ask him how having your family there effects him. If he just goes on about the 6 year ago comment on the music I'd be thinking it's all about what he wants. If he is uncomfortable with the gathering because it makes him anxious or leads to sensory overwhelm then he needs to tell you that. You deserve to know why he's behaving like this.

I don't like my in laws, fil especially has said some horrible things, but they're DH family and despite all the problems between us and my social anxiety that means I'm anxious every moment they're here they are welcome in our home. They're our kids grandparents, they're DH dear parents and I'm not going to say they can't be in our house because they've been rude to me and make me feel anxious. I'm not saying everyone with anxiety or rude in laws should do this. Just I'd want a lot more reason than a rude comment years ago to explain your DH behaviour when you're family visit.