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Original poster

DH does not want to mix with my family at xmas

69 replies

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 22/12/2020 18:37

Hi all
Wanting to hear from others in a similar situation. Married for 6 years. 2 DCs 6 and 4. I come from a close family. 3 sisters, grandparents, mum and dad, aunts and uncles. We would all spend Xmas and Boxing Day together each yr. obviously different this year.

But since we got married 6yrs ago my DH has been against my parents because he felt they were critical of the wedding reception - in particular the music which he had spent a long time planning. So he has held a grudge since. My parents probably won’t even remember that evening in terms of the detail. But I think that was the start of the problem. Gradually he has withdrawn from most family events and occasions and does not want to participate.

For the last few years we have had Xmas day on our own with our DCs. It is actually a lot easier for us because we can do exactly what we want to our schedule and eat when we want. I know my DH likes to get food that he chooses and each year we have had something different rather than stick with the tradition of turkey.

So I have started a tradition on Xmas eve where I invite my parents, sisters, grandmother who is still alive and now my sister has a son 3 yrs so my nephew. My kids really enjoy it. We allow some presents to be opened so my parents can see them opening some gifts. But DH says he is not going to be involved so will either go out or will spend the whole time upstairs. I think he did that last yr too.

If my parents ask I tend to brush over it and says he has work to finish ( he works at home). But I think I am going to have to be honest and tell them there is an issue. It’s pretty obvious. Also as our DCs get older they will become more aware and it will be obvious to them too.

For context he is not that close to his Dad. Doesn’t really keep in contact by phone. His dad lives in the other end of the country. His mum died when he was 15 and he fell out with his sister over the inheritance so he has not spoken to her in approx 20 yrs. I think he views family very differently and does not have the same bonds that I do to my family.

Anyone in the same position? How do you manage the underlying tension? (Luckily there’s have been no big arguments).

I really want my DCs to feel that they are part of a big loving family.

OP posts:

OmarListening · 22/12/2020 19:59

^^ exactly, I think it's partly to do with personality types.

I'll happily go for a nice meal with 4 or so other people, that's lovely.

But even as a child when my whole rowdy loud family of 20 plus people gathered together at Xmas at someone's house I'd find a quiet corner to zone out in. Or if my equally introverted cousin was there we'd sit behind the sofa and play cards or read together.

I'm a perfectly friendly person, I just don't enjoy big loud gatherings with lots of people. I hate having to "join in" and pretend I enjoy situations I don't.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/12/2020 20:02

Can he articulate to you why he doesn’t like the Christmas Eve gathering? Does he know you would rather he stayed and socialised with everyone?

I feel very sad for your children that he thinks he can be so rude as to ignore guests in his own house. It sounds like a really petty reason to take a dislike to your parents too.

OliveToboogie · 22/12/2020 20:05

He sounds obnoxiously rude and controlling. Sorry I would be ashamed of my DH if he behaved like this. Agree you are so lucky to have a large supportive family. I am totally estranged from my siblings... Not my choice.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/12/2020 20:15

He will influence your kids into thinking this kind of behaviour is ok.
I would seriously consider my options.

You could suggest counselling but if he won’t do that I’d walk. Sorry OP I’m sure that is upsetting to hear but it will only get worse.

Time4change2018 · 22/12/2020 20:26

Leave him to it and you carry on with your fabulous routine. No need to upset your family with the harsh truth, a kinder truth is he isn't extended family orientated and would rather you enjoy it without him.

I wonder what his thoughts are longer term ... When your children grow and have family. Would like to keep contact and hope the siblings and possible cousins keep in touch ? If he's never had it, it might take the generation for him to appreciate what he has. It took years for my father to appreciate my mother's family and how much warmer and inclusive they were compared to his practical stand offish family.

Lots of love and keep your chin up. Accept differences not bad manners and enjoy your new traditions x

tootiredtospeak · 22/12/2020 20:55

6 years over wedding music that may affect his childrens happiness. No No No you need to address it head on don't keep letting it slide and making excuses. Challenge him on it and say he needs to be present and pleasant otherwise you wont be celebrating his birthday next with him.

sayagain86 · 22/12/2020 21:25

This is exactly the same situation I had with my ex. He basically had a grudge against my family about a total non thing and wouldn't let it go for years. They had always been nice and welcoming to him, although one day they had words with him because he lost his temper with me in their presence. From there it escalated and got to the point where he would call them names and disparage them every chance he got. He also refused to be in their presence at any time whatsoever.

The whole situation was his making tbh and it really took a toll on me as my family are really close and a really important part of my life. No matter how much I pleaded he wouldnt drop it.

My family were no longer welcome in my house. They felt uncomfortable coming over and he would hide in the other room if they did. I had to "ask permission" for them to come over, but they weren't welcome and that was obvious.

Especially for someone who has grown up with
a family who pop in and out of each other's houses this was totally unacceptable. I know see what he was trying to do.

I know how shit you will be feeling about all this. It's truly horrendous. Please don't put up with as much crap as I did. Your family will always be there for you and no man who really loves you will try to put a wedge between you and them. Your sanity and happiness is worth so much more.

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2020 21:34

Tell him to get over it
Wow.
I would actually divorce a man acting like this

MackenCheese · 22/12/2020 21:44

Sorry your husband sounds autistic, and is using excuses and 6 year old "grudges" to avoid socialising. It's so classic. My dh was the same. Now separated. He quietly fell out with or avoided all of my family. Obvious looking back now. I hope you have the happy relaxed Christmas you're hoping for. Sending positive vibes!

SimplyRadishing · 22/12/2020 21:47

@soopedup

You are SO lucky. Do you know how lucky you are? I’d give EVERYTHING to have that lovely, big supportive family who spend time together. You have been given a special gift that money cannot buy. Do NOT let him ruin what you have. Please. I cannot tell you how lucky you are. You probably have no idea at all. Sisters, plural that are involved in your life and who are NICE? Your kids have cousins kind of the same age? In your position I would get rid of the husband and find somebody who will be part of what you have

This sums up what I was going to say.

NoSquirrels · 22/12/2020 22:25

@soopedup

Second post on the thread has it:

Family - close, committed, loving family - with the bonus of kids in the next generation who also love you all too? It’s precious.

Your DH might feel uncomfortable in a multi-generational family because of his background. That’s valid. But he’s being an arsehole not to a) try or b) tell you why he won’t try.

Lineofconcepcion · 22/12/2020 22:33

Op where are you in the world you are allowed to mix as you are intending?

FunTimes2020 · 22/12/2020 23:54

@Lineofconcepcion

Op where are you in the world you are allowed to mix as you are intending?

Snog · 23/12/2020 07:05

My dad had what I now realise was social anxiety and didn't like my mum hosting big gatherings of her family. She held them anyway and he was viewed as a bit antisocial in an embarrassing and annoying way. It did affect us as kids and really limited my mums social life. I wish we had all - including my dad - understood that this was social anxiety and had all had more empathy.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 23/12/2020 07:48

You said your DH felt your parents were critical of the wedding reception and the music in particular implying they were critical about other stuff too, not just the music? I do wonder what kind of dynamic there is between you all that made your parents feel it was ok to criticise him about what should have been one of the happiest and most significant days of his life. Why would they want to spoil his day/spoil his memory of it (if the criticism wasn’t on the day itself)? It’s not like it could have been constructive advice is it unless they thought your DH was going to be planning other weddings!

You seem to be very dismissive of your DH’s feelings over it but incidents very rarely happen in isolation. The music was obviously important to him. How would you have felt if your husband’s PIL had criticised e.g. your wedding dress but you didn’t have the support of a large close family who you know have your back? Maybe your DH feels there’s a pattern of behaviour from your family towards him that you’ve brushed off because of your closeness with your family. It’s horrible feeling like an outsider/interloper in a big tight knit group and if my own PIL had been critical of my wedding I’d be wanting to start distancing myself too tbh.

You don’t say your DH tries to stop you from seeing your family, he’s just gradually withdrawn from it. He doesn’t start big arguments over it. Does he just absent himself or does he sulk? I don’t think he deserves the pasting he’s just from the info you’ve given so far.

BarkHoneyBark · 23/12/2020 07:57

It’s the sulking over something that happened 6 years ago that stands out to me. Really?

The rest of it seems window dressing for that.

I opt out fairly discretely from dh big noisy family gatherings after a bit as it’s all a bit much. But I ‘play nicely’ and just pop upstairs for a bit, and meet them all the time in smaller groups. This isn’t about introvert type issues.

JillofTrades · 23/12/2020 08:05

Given his background can you not even think that this is the reason why? And he probably can't speak to you because people like you who have this close family cannot fathom that others didn't grow up like this.
He could also have social anxiety - very valid. But of course he must be an arsehole on MN.

yikesanotherbooboo · 23/12/2020 08:17

The thing that I don't like here is the fact that he is not putting you and your happiness ahead of himself. If he were to be honest and say that he really struggles with groups but that you and the DC should go ahead and have fun growing relationships that would be one thing but he is trying to control the situation to suit himself which is not right. My DH likes everything on his own terms and can then be described as a 'great dad' 'good Husband' etc but it is very hard work and I have had to put him first for nearly 40 years now. I have lovely DC and do see my wider family but I wish I had handled it differently. It has taken this long for him to start to understand what my family mean to me. Like your DH he has come from a very small family unit so hasn't got a model for cousins etc but that isn't the whole story.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 23/12/2020 12:19

He is an unsupportive twat, and what is this stuff about him choosing what he wants for Christmas dinner, what about your choices.

ittakes2 · 23/12/2020 12:54

While I don’t think your husbands behaviour is ok, I am just trying to understand it. Both my hubby and I are very family oriented but my family all live overseas. I often feel like I desperately want to be a fully signed up member of his family to counteract my lack of family...but it has unfort not worked out that way. They are polite to me so to anyone else it looks like we are one big happy family - but it’s clear they only consider their own blood real family. Maybe your husband feels the same way - your family might be polite to him but he doesn’t feel he is part of the family and it reminds him he doesn’t have his own family. Regardless, I agree with others that counselling is worth considering - his behaviour is rude so it’s worth getting to the bottom of what is motivating him to isolate himself from them.

Bitcherama · 23/12/2020 13:06

Whatever his feelings - which may be valid, as other posters have shown - he is handling them like a total wanker. I could respect someone finding it hard, but not someone being so rude and unpleasant. Other little flags in your post that he's a tool, I note.

As for the poster who had to "ask permission". No, you don't. Fuck that.

SeasonFinale · 23/12/2020 13:09

So this year you can't meet on Christmas Eve anyway so I assume you mean for future years you need the advice.

Spied · 23/12/2020 13:18

Your family will know he's hiding upstairs and will think him very rude- which is true.
Does he not even come down and say 'Hello'?
He obviously doesn't care about how awkward you feel or appreciate how happy your family make you and his children.
I'd be requesting that if possible he pisses off out whilst your family are round if he can't join in for even an hour. Cheeky fucker.
Does he accept a gift off them?

gannett · 23/12/2020 13:18

I'll hazard a guess that the wedding reception music is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to little bits of criticism your family has offered your husband over the years. And it may seem a little thing but it is incredibly rude to criticise someone for their own music choices at their own wedding - who on earth does that?

All these "big", "close-knit" families who seem inordinately invested in the IDEA of being big and close-knit just come across as suffocating to me. Most of those I've seen/experienced have demanded you conform in some way to fit in.

Let him opt out and don't try to force a "close-knit" dynamic on him when he's not used to it and doesn't want it.

ExeterMummaMia · 23/12/2020 13:52

I admit he sounds like he is being a childish brat and sulking for 6+yrs about something insignificant.... but - I don't really think that's honestly whats going on here, but he either doesn't understand his true feelings or is too ashamed to explain it to you.

I come from a small but close family - no real issues and happily spend time with them all. No aunts/uncles/cousins growing up and just one sibling. DH has a larger, louder family and every occassion is a huge event with aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I go along mostly, but I don't enjoy it. I find it incredible overwhelming and without any malice on DH's family's part, I feel like an outsider and its uncomfortable for me. Given the choice, I will happily go for lunch with them in a smaller setting - but the big, loud, OTT gatherings are hard going. That's my experience coming from a small but close and fully functional family.... I dread to think how overwhelming it would be had my family life been difficult and disfunctional (losing a parent at a young age, estranged from sibling etc.). These big happy gatherings are everything for you, but perhaps they make him sad as he doesn't feel he can relate to that, and it might make it more stark what sort of family life he has missed out on. Often we mask our sadness (and envy) with silly frustrations or push people away.

Could you do these gatherings somewhere else? Having DH upstairs whilst you're all downstairs is so awkward! Certainly discuss calmly and gently about how important your family is to you, but remember to have a bit of empathy about the fact that he might be feeling uncomfortable and upset about his own family too.

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