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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexually harassed by friend’s boyfriend

93 replies

Rosemary26 · 22/12/2020 11:25

I had a very sour experience with a woman I considered to be a friend almost two years ago, and recently she emailed me out of the blue acting as if she wanted to talk and catch up.

We lived together for six months back in the day to help each other out with rent. I thought everything was good between her and I for a long time, until her boyfriend started to make passes at me. One night I was in the kitchen making myself a late dinner after I’d gotten home from work and this guy crept up behind me and put his hand down the back of my pajama bottoms. I was shocked! I flipped out instantly, telling him to never come anywhere near me ever again. No wonder I had never liked him. He gave me the creeps. Having been sexually abused in childhood, and having experienced men (men in relationships with people I knew, no less) being inappropriate toward me throughout adulthood, this really messed me up. I was scared of what would happen when I told my friend what he’d done, worried she’d react the way others had and choose to believe whatever he said, but I knew that I had to tell her. So I did. Exactly what I was afraid of happened. She grew cold toward me after he denied it all, she iced me out, and shortly after that I left and gave up communication.

In the recent emails she spoke about missing me and how she hoped we could spend time together again. She finished with the sentence, “I’ll try to convince M. (that same boyfriend) to let you visit here again.” Hmm
I responded briefly, wishing her Happy Holidays, and I didn’t mention anything about him or visiting.

This is what she wrote back: “If how far you went out of your way to not even type M.’s name is an indication that you still have a problem with him then it's probably not a good idea to have you come here. I always enjoyed hanging out with you and everything but I don't need any extra stress or drama in my life.
M.will always be in my life and he means more to me than anyone so if you have a problem with him then you pretty much have a problem with me.”

Um. STILL have a problem with him? Yeah, I do. I don’t wish to have any further contact with her, but this, her basically blaming me for what he did, really troubles me. Has anyone experienced anything like this? If you have any ideas about what I can say in response to try to get my point across please share those with me. I get that she’s going through her own issues, but...this burns.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 22/12/2020 11:28

I’d ignore her from now on and leave her to it. She’s stupid.

Clymene · 22/12/2020 11:35

Delete and block. You can't reason with people like that. I'm sorry your friend is a dick pandering idiot.

category12 · 22/12/2020 11:36

If you really want to say something, say it, but then you'd have to be prepared that that's it and probably cut her off forever from there.

So " yeah, I'll always have a problem with a guy who crept up on me and shoved his hand down my pants, so let's leave it at that " and go straight to blocking her.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2020 11:39

Agree

Two options

One jist don’t respond.
Two, say yes, I will always have a problem with him for putting his hands inside my underwear. Good luck to you. And then block

Plonthy · 22/12/2020 11:42

Block the bitch.

She doesnt need the drama but is inviting it?

Sounds like a deranged toxic denier.

You are better off steering well clear of this idiot.

sadie9 · 22/12/2020 11:44

You could say: '
M put his hand down my pajama bottoms which was an unwanted, unwelcome and uninvited sexual advance on me. I was very shocked, frightened and impacted by that experience and it has cost me.
I thought I was in a safe space but I wasn't.
I think if you were me in that situation you'd probably react the same, and I'd hope that you'd tell me the truth as well if it were you in my shoes.
I am happy to be your friend in whatever way we can, but I do have a difficulty with M.

Morgan12 · 22/12/2020 11:48

No I'd need to reply to that.

Tell her of course you have a problem with M considering he put his hands down your trousers uninvited. Then tell her to go take a big massive fuck to herself.

Neolara · 22/12/2020 11:49

Sounds as if the boyfriend has convinced your ex friend that nothing happened and maybe you just don't like him. So, to her, her response is logical. However, the boyfriend is clearly a massive creep and I suspect nothing you do or say will convince her otherwise. I'd not respond and forget about both of them.

SimplyRadishing · 22/12/2020 11:55

You can't fix stupid.

I'm sorry this happened to you and that she resurfaced to dredge it up again.

Agree I would want to reply and say yes i have a problem with being assaulted by your sleazy boyfriend and hope one day you realised what a colossal arsehole he is (and she has been for believing his lies)

YellowBeryl · 22/12/2020 11:57

Whatever you say she won't believe you, so just ignore her. Don't reply. This is the most powerful response you can send.

Thewithesarehere · 22/12/2020 11:59

Leave her to it OP. She sounds unhinged.

VettiyaIruken · 22/12/2020 12:00

It's best to just delete and block but I'm not sure I could follow the sensible advice I give out!

It would be more along the lines of he sexually assaulted me! I will never forgive him and you're a fool for believing him. Never contact me again.

Then I'd fume for days before the 'well I burned that bridge' misplaced guilt kicked in!

Sssloou · 22/12/2020 12:12

It’s interesting that she has pursued you at this point. I suspect it is because she knows he is lying but doesn’t want to believe it and somehow manipulating you to brush this under the carpet and be friends again will make her feel better about her relationship.

No doubt he has done this again and again he is a predictor and she is aware but in denial.

She was not your friend then and is not your friend now. This “friendship” will never be restored. She has her own agenda with this contact.

You owe her nothing. But you do owe yourself something - to be heard - to tell your truth - not to be silenced or manipulated.

You said that he made passes at you as well as the final sexual assault. Have you considered reporting this crime - he may have form?

I would document each of the passes and then assault to her in writing.

That would make you feel empowered.

But I would block immediately as these actions are not up for dialogue discussion debate and you should be drawn into anything traumatising.

SpaceOp · 22/12/2020 12:15

You can't get your point across because she already knows your point, she just doesn't believe you. Which means you can't be friends. And the tone of her original email makes it clear that she thinks she's being magnanimous by inviting you back into her life after your terrible behaviour.

So either just ignore or respond with, "I can't be friends with someone who doesn't believe me re being sexually abused, or who remains in a relationship with an abuser, so let's leave it at that." and then block and move on.

Sillysandy · 22/12/2020 12:16

"You are the one who made contact with me not vice versa. Your boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I have no interest in convincing you, he and I both know what took place. I have more than a problem with him. I will be blocking you now and have no wish to hear from either of you again."

YoniAndGuy · 22/12/2020 12:32

'yeah, I'll always have a problem with a guy who crept up on me and shoved his hand down my pants, so let's leave it at that " - is pretty much perfect.

You could add - 'As for asking your creep letch boyfriend if he'd 'let' me stay, LOL. You're right about one thing, not needing drama... which is why I'd never have contacted you first Wink '

Chloemol · 22/12/2020 12:44

Hi xxx

You made contact with me, so I thought that, finally, you understood the harm M did to me when he assaulted me. However that appears not to be the case. I hope it all works out for you, don’t contact me again as I can cope being around abusers

Chloemol · 22/12/2020 12:44

Can’t not can

AgeOfExploration · 22/12/2020 12:46

@category12’s response is absolutely perfect.

Jenifirtree · 22/12/2020 12:49

"You are the one who made contact with me not vice versa. Your boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I have no interest in convincing you, he and I both know what took place. I have more than a problem with him. I will be blocking you now and have no wish to hear from either of you again."

pickingdaisies · 22/12/2020 12:51

MN at its finest OP, take your pick from a fine display of responses. But then block.

fuzzymoon · 22/12/2020 12:51

When people know they have done wrong they act in two ways.

Admit it , apologise and make peace.

The other which is called the shield of shame (google it) makes them react in some or all of these ways.

Minimise what happened.
Blame / deflection
Rage / anger

And
Lie.

It helps when you know this. It doesn't excuse the person but it helps you make sense of it and move on.

I would say both of them have displayed the shield of shame.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 22/12/2020 12:55

My first impulse would be to say something, but I imagine she knows your side of the story well enough by this point. Rehashing everything might come at an emotional cost for you, is it really worth it?

Maybe write a letter you never send, but in reality just ignore her. She is angling for drama, reading between the lines and dredging up the past for no good reason. I wouldn't want to interact with someone like that if I could help it.

CrazyToast · 22/12/2020 13:19

I would have to respond to that, before I blocked her forevermore.

BrummyMum1 · 22/12/2020 13:25

So she contacted you out of the blue just to make you relive the experience and tell you you’re wrong again? This women doesn’t deserve even a second of your time.

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